Johann's Musings

The memoirs of a ghostly librarian. -- male - 226 - german - ghost/spirit -- Roleplay blog. Posts will be made in character, more than likely in journal format, but interactions over messages/etc. are welcome.

[allthingsroleplay]

[dasbuchderbereuen]

((Decided to doodle Johann. )o) May touch this up later, just wanted to post what I had so far.

[dasbuchderbereuen]

Ein abstand es gibt,

It seems I have found myself quite beyond the usual sphere that I am used to inhabiting. Such news I view as a boon, as more distance between my lingering self and the place of my death can only be a good thing. The lens of memory haunts me enough without the physicality of what happened confronting me on a daily basis. There are other details, too, which prove this to be a positive development. Shortly after finding my way to the nearest settlement, I ran into none other than Dyisi. After I left the Port I had very little hope of seeing any of my friends from that place again, but...It seems that we are meant to meet again. Not only her, but Xanus. Admittedly I am not as close with him as I am with Dyisi, but some bits of familiarity in this new place are comforting.

There are also a variety of new faces I have become acquainted with and look forward to knowing better. Wren, the adjutant of this village known as Mysthaven, was kind enough to fill me in on the pertinent details required to reside here. She was also quite enthusiastic about learning of my condition, which I found rather quaint, considering prior experiences. Beyond that I have also met the steward, Nathaniel, as well as Miss Aoibheann, whom in particular I am relieved did not take poorly to my presence. I have briefly greeted others as well I am sure I will see around as I settle in here.

To say that my short time here has already been quite eventful would be an understatement. The full moon happened promptly after my wandering into the village, which appears to be an especially dangerous time in this place...But beyond that, I was finally able to meet the lord of the village. Herr Maric is...something to behold, I suppose, is the best way to pen it. Someone like myself certainly doesn’t deserve to be in his presence nor hold any of his attention for any extended period of time, but nonetheless, that is what happened. I find a strange sort of solace in his presence, albeit one that is at war with the shackles of my worry and fear. Some mixture of this I am used to ever since Herr Reinhardt deemed it necessary to discard of me, but-- this is, in a sense, different.

While I am still rather surprised that I was able to earn his good will and blessing to tend the library, I am also extremely grateful. It has already been quite a comfort to me to be able to go over the tomes and sort them as necessary...Without that ability I am not sure I would have been able to calm down as quickly as I did after the turn in our conversation.

Now, before this meeting with Herr Maric, I had discussed briefly with Dyisi the idea of creating me a body utilizing certain sciences, magic and alchemy. Of course such a thing would be a miracle to someone in my state, and I was eager to pursue the idea. Given the size and experimental nature of such an undertaking, she told me she would want to speak with Herr Maric about it, and thus that is what happened.

Shortly after receiving permission to tend the books and stay within the castle, Herr Maric summoned Dyisi so we could all discuss. And it appears that it is something he is willing to aid with, one way or the other, but I cannot be certain as to why. Dyisi, at least, I can understand her motivation, being a friend and also seeing it as an intellectual pursuit that could be exciting...But Herr Maric, I... do not understand. It is not my place to question him, of course, and I am extremely grateful for not only his kindness and hospitality in allowing me to be his librarian, but also this...Whatever this may end up being.

Dyisi had a plan that would involve a puppet of sorts and a long wait and experimentation. Herr Maric had made commentary that seems to speak of the ability to simply carve me a body wholesale from his own form. The fact that he would even offer such is still ricocheting around my psyche -- the more I try to understand it the more baffling it becomes. There is, of course, the implication that such would mean that I would belong fully to him, and that is a frightening price, even to me, and yet...

Why?

He said that everyone deserves a second chance at life. Especially me. I do not understand how he could say such a thing so easily. Perhaps it is because I have yet to fail him, and that makes such kindness easier. I am not sure I could handle disappointing another again, I will have to be exceptionally careful to not do so. The mere thought burns, history cannot repeat itself. I will not let it...

And so it seems that I have a choice to make.

Dyisi’s original plan, in which I would be beholden to them both in a less severe manner...

Or Herr Maric’s offer, with the implication that I may yet again become a tool for a Vampir?

The fact that such a decision is such a struggle I am sure would perplex others, and yet it is.

I...

I require more data, possibly. Perhaps I should inquire into the details of how such a thing would work, when Herr Maric has the time and inclination. It may be easier to process hard facts and make it easier to ignore the weight of emotion.

This is something of import and should not be rushed...And yet...I find myself worried about hesitating, lest I again wait too long and find myself with more to regret...

[dasbuchderbereuen]

The time will never come back, pt 3

His twenty-sixth birthday had recently passed.

It was a happy, if subdued affair, not too different than the many other ones he had celebrated in the Reinhardt estate. In the morning he was greeted by a small, covered pastry tray on the dining room table when he went to fetch breakfast. A smile tugged at his lips when he seen it. He didn't even have to lift the tray to know what it was, this tradition had been going on for the past decade. It was a small cake (this year, chocolate, last year had been strawberry, the year before angel food...) and a simple card in sweeping cursive congratulating him on another year lived with a request that he take the day off to enjoy himself. The vampire had a penchant for waiting until Johann had slipped off to bed to set up the gift. He always wondered why he didn't give it to him directly.

With permission to step away from his duties, Johann took leave from the mansion. He bundled himself up in layers and pulled on a thick overcoat before he ventured outside, hoping the cool clear air would help him sort out his thoughts. He wandered, snow crunching under foot, not really paying any heed to his surroundings or time. He needed to do something. He was in his late twenties now. Other men his age were already in courtships or marriage and he was...In limbo. He wasn't exactly alone, no, he loved the company his master provided him, but...He felt stuck. It was as if there was some sort of invisible wall preventing him from getting close to the older man. Every time he attempted to make some step forward, he fell back. What if his feelings were not returned? What if Dieter became angry with him and sent him away? What if, what if, what if - so many possibilities and could-bes that he almost felt as if he would drown in them.

There, in the snow, wearing tracks around the garden from his constant pacing, he vowed to change that.

Johann shivered. He was startled to note the sun had set when he wasn't paying attention. When he finally made his way back inside, he was surprised to see the tall blonde vampire waiting for him. Though the scolding he received was rather calm and collected - the man was always so reserved - he could tell, by the look in his mentor's eyes, that the other was rather upset with him. Guilt was quick to nestle in his chest, and so he put up no complaint and made no move to act on the promise he made to himself earlier. It could wait. He spent the night in front of the sitting room hearth, all too aware of the blue eyes fixated on his form, only to flit away to something else when the red head glanced up.

They sat like that, in near silence, until the call of bed became too strong for him to resist.

The next evening Johann was determined to act on his plan. It would be hard, and it would be awkward...He would probably sound like a fool, but he could no longer stand his inaction. He resolved to bring it up over their nightly tea. That would give him something to busy his hands with while he soldiered through his nervousness. He went about his routine as he had for decades and soon had a tray elegantly set just so. With it in hand, he made his way into the library. He was caught a bit off guard to see that Dieter was already present, though he quickly covered it with a smile. His mind wandered as to what purpose would bring the vampire down early. Perhaps he was concerned, perhaps he anticipated that Johann had something to say...?

"Sir," He lilted softly as he moved to set down the tray on the coffee table, "There is something I would like to discuss with you..."

Th-thump.

A sudden shock of hurt shot up his left arm and rooted itself in his sternum, throwing him off balance. Metal and china clattered as he lost his grip on the tea tray and dropped it onto the table. He raised one hand to his chest, while the other shot out in an attempt to grasp on the near by sofa to steady himself. A low, pained noise rang out and he was disturbed to realize it came from his own lips.

Th-thump.

He was only vaguely aware of the sensation of arms around him. His eyes fluttered, and he let out a low gasp as he stared up into Dieter's face, the pain wracking his body. Johann frantically tried to speak, to get something, anything out, but his tongue was heavy with hurt and shock and nothing coherent left him.

Th-th...

The air rushed from him. A pleasant blackness blanketed him, the pain ebbed away and he felt nothing at all.

... Thump-thump.

His chest heaved and his eyes shot open wide, a dazed stare fixated on his mentor's features. What was...what was going on? His mind reeled, it was hard to concentrate. Crimson glinted in the low light as blood dripped from the taller man's mouth. The pain clouded his vision. Was that his blood was that...why...?

The light faded from his gold eyes and he breathed no more.

[dasbuchderbereuen]

The time will never come back, pt 2

The sun had long since finished its descent below the horizon, leaving only a scant orange tinge in the sky to celebrate its passing. Johann had taken a moment to rest near one of the large bay windows that graced the library, one slender hand pressed to the cool glass as he observed the fading sunset. Though the young man much preferred the heat of day to the chill of evenings, over the years he gained a strange sort of anticipation for the later hours that people normally spent sleeping. In fact, ever since he had been taken in by Mister Reinhardt, he had gained so many habits that he quickly lost count of them all.

Added together though, they became quite the routine. It started with a soft tug as he pulled the heavy velvet of the window curtains down to shield the room from prying eyes. After that it was a short circuit around the room, weaving in and out of aisles of bookshelves and around tables as he took care of the rest of the smaller windows. Once privacy was ensured, he left the library behind for a short while to visit the powder room.

There he spent a rather curious amount of time looking himself over in the mirror. It wasn't that Johann was vain, he had just developed a strange sort of...self-consciousness, when it came to being around his vampiric master. He felt bizarrely compelled to ensure that he looked his best whenever he was around the other man. And so he pressed his frock coat and smoothed out his skirt to take care of the wrinkles his day's work had earned. Next came his hair, which he let down to give a good brushing, working out knots and tangles gingerly. Once he was satisfied that it was as pristine as possible, he pulled it back with one of his favorite velvet ribbons and turned around in front of the mirror.

Nodding once and giving himself a satisfied smile, he made his way towards the kitchen. Starting a kettle, he set up an elegant tea tray. He debated between the selection before he finally settled on a nice chamomile. Bagging the leaves up he set a couple bundles into two cups and then arranged everything nicely on the tray. Once the water was done the pot was added to the tray then the whole thing was hoisted up so he could carry it to the library. He delicately made his way to the center of the room, and set the tray down atop a short coffee table in front of a chaise lounger and an arm chair. There he would wait, hands folded behind his back, for as long as was necessary. They said patience was a virtue but to be honest, Johann didn't mind the fact that on some evenings Mister Reinhardt took a while to descend the stairs from the estate's upper floor to the library.

It gave him time to think, to categorize the happenings of the day in his head. Though his thoughts often wandered. Simple things captured his imagination, like how the light caught on his mentor's hair or the slight, barely noticeable way the corners of his mouth quirked upwards when he poured him tea. These things stoked a strange, fluttery feeling in his chest, and if he contemplated them too long a bit of a lightheaded sensation began to set in. His reverie was broken by the soft creaking of wood under foot and Johann glanced upwards to spy a tall figure leaning against the second floor banister.

The weight of the keen blue gaze made his pale cheeks flush with a burst of pink, a wide smile spread across his lips. His head inclined just so, he met the vampire's eyes with his gold ones. Inexplicably, his heart rate sped up, he felt it thunder in his ears. An odd giddiness crept over his form and he intertwined his fingers together against the small of his back to still the sudden tremble that shook them. Despite all the knowledge he held, his mind still raced to put names to these sensations he experienced while in the presence of the taller man. He found himself preoccupied with them for some time, until the soft clearing of a throat caught his attention.

Johann came to his senses to see the vampire already posed on the sofa. Immediately he offered a quiet apology and moved to take care of the tea. Soon the pair was sitting elegantly side by side, porcelain cups in hand. There was a pleasant ache in his sternum, his heart continuing to pound a chaotic beat within his chest. He almost felt dizzy but in a good way, the same sort that accompanied drinking too much absinthe.

A plethora of urges blossomed in him at that moment. He wanted to reach out and touch the vampire, brush some of those long bangs from his face. With a slight lean, he could be close, so close to him. Yet he restrained himself. Johann wanted to tell him how he felt, and yet it was like all eloquence drained from him when he tried and he was left no words.

So he bit his tongue, deciding to hold off on his feelings until he was more properly prepared to explain.

[dasbuchderbereuen]

The time will never come back, pt 1

Johann still wasn't entirely convinced that he wasn't dreaming. Everything had happened so quickly as to completely blindside him. They came shortly after night fall, two well-dressed men knocking on the door of the tiny hovel his parents called home. He watched with wide amber eyes as they spoke in hushed whispers with his mother and father, with pointed glances in his direction. That confused him greatly. Generally, no one really paid him much mind. With his lanky build and his long red hair, he was often teased for being effeminate...Especially when compared to his stockier brothers.

He could barely make out the words as they huddled near the threshold. "Mr. Dresner, Mrs. Dresner...The lord has requested the presence of your youngest at the mansion..." His mouth hung open and Johann raised a hand to cover it to stifle the startled gasp that wanted to escape. Why him? He didn't really understand. Surely if there was any work to be done, his brothers or father would be better suited...? His train of thought derailed for a moment as he caught sight of a coin purse as one of the men passed it to his father.

It wasn't a request, he was being...He was being bought? I'm not a piece of live stock... Though, it did look like a rather decent amount of money, maybe...Maybe it would be good for his family. He often felt like a burden at times...He couldn't work to earn money whenever he fell ill, he simply took up space. Even still, that didn't lessen the shock of the situation. He was only able to stammer a few protests and demands to know what was going on. Before he had much time to do anything else, he was being carted bodily from his family's home in the arms of the two men. They set him in a waiting carriage and slammed the door and he was off.

Bewildered, Johann curled his arms tightly about himself to ward off the chill of the night. The harder he tried to parse the situation the less sense he could make of it. He could recall nothing about the lord of the estate whose farms his family tended...His father and brothers had never seen him during their years of service so...He realized with a shiver, he really knew nothing about this person who suddenly "requested" his presence.

The carriage came to a halt and he sat awkwardly, unsure of what to do with himself. It wasn't long until the driver opened the side door and coaxed him out. Lead to the large front doors of the mansion - a very large, very intimidating baroque-styled building - the older man left him on the doorstep.

"W-wait...excuse me," Johann's voice wavered with uncertainty, and he turned in an attempt to try to grab at the carriage driver to stop him but...The man was already well down the stairs. Swallowing uneasily, he pivoted back to face the large doors. For a brief moment he considered running away, but...It was so cold, and he was bare foot, he knew he wouldn't get very far.

Trying to subdue the nervous tremble in his hands, he reached to pull open the doors enough for him to slip through. They shut with a menacing thunk behind him. In the foyer he felt so very tiny and out of place. The checkered tile underfoot was cold against his chilled skin as he took a few unsure steps into the building. Johann knew he didn't belong here. He felt dirty just looking at the elegance of his surroundings. He was still in his over-sized pajamas, for god's sake. They didn't give him a chance to change or wash up or anything...

"H-...Hello...?" He called uncertainly as he glanced around, the dim candlelight casting menacing shadows along the hall. His hands tugged at his night shirt self-consciously before he tried to smooth some tangles from his long red hair, pushing some bangs out of his face.

It was then the peculiar feeling of being stared at made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Venturing a glance over his shoulder, he paused in his tracks as he spotted a tall blonde male occupying one of the corridor's doorways, one palm placed to either side of the threshold. Johann felt as he if was being sized up, and his cheeks flushed as he dropped his gold gaze to the floor.

Everything changed that night.

[dasbuchderbereuen]

The people you love become ghosts inside of you and like this you keep them alive.

Robert Montgomery