Online Dating...the Necessary Evil? 😡 @dating-in-da-808 - Tumblr Blog

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I have been listening to these CMB “Save the Date” podcasts....from the first licensed black therapist, to matchmakers, to the CMB founder herself....

Conclusion....know what you want to avoid hurtful dates. There are 5 stages of dating as follows:

Attraction

Getting to know each other

Exclusive

Intimacy

Engagement

Amidst these 5 categories lie the things that you WANT and the things that you NEED.

These are the intangible traits that both of you should possess to make a basic relationship work.

Mission/values

Attraction

Temperamental synergy

Capacity to meet your needs

Hazard free (no each other’s deal breakers)

And here are the tangible traits that both of you should have a similar view on to make the relationship work.

Faith

Family

Fitness

Finance

Profession

So right now I am probably talking to 5/6 guys online....have met with the two who seem to be the most compatible. Interesting that both are 41....

41 YO engineer from Seattle, Chinese, tall, does real estate on the side like me, loves sweets and loves to eat and travel

- he probably has 4 of the 5 tangible traits (havent exactly figured out where his faith lies but he seemed to understand Christianity)

- of the intangible traits...I am attracted somewhat but unsure where he stands on the rest of the categories. The vibe that I got was he’s a very high functioning alpha but not the most warm and fuzzy w a sense of humor and empathy that I would have liked.

- so back to the 5 stages of dating...well we are in the getting to know each other stage. Sadly he leaves Hawaii in a few days. I hope he decides to come back out here to work remotely. And I hope we can then take it from there. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ what are the chances.

41 YO CEO of a small Hawaii company, Japanese, not that tall, separated w 3 kids, doesn’t care much about food not too sure if he’s traveled much on his own.

- tangible traits - he has 3? (Maybe family...I am not sure if I agree w the way he’s raising his kids...and the fact that he has 3 kids is potentially an issue down the road...ANNDDD I know his ex-wife from school too. They must have been together for more than 10 years yet still decided to separate...🥺 but finance and profession I think are there)

- intangible traits - maybe 2? I feel more comfortable with him and safer. He makes sure I get home safe and did make his intentions clear that he’s looking eventually to find another partner. Plus his high school background is quite similar to mine and I am definitely attracted to his brain. Nerd alert 😂 he was so smart that our math coach wanted him on the team but he said no Bc of girls 😅, rated 1800+ in chess before (think queen’s gambit), made it to nationals at debate, was COO and now interim CEO of a company. He must have done well enough in school to finish college in 2 years. All in all despite being shorter, he def makes me go 😍😍😍.

- the 5 stages...still the getting to know each other stage. He’s invited me over to meet his friends and we have met up 3x....texts throughout the week has been interesting too....but I guess I can sense the texts slowing and I have a mutual friend telling me he was spotted on date w another girl. ANNNDDD that he’s only been online dating for 3 wks...sigh...he’s not ready to commit really. 🤷🏻‍♀️. But the most important, I don’t know where his faith lies and doesn’t seem hopeful 🥺

Dating in your mid-30s...

It’s been maybe 5 years since I started onlinedating....wish I had started earlier? Yes! But then would I have been mentally and emotionally ready? Maybe not...🤷🏻‍♀️. Online dating is like a fast track to reality. The world is not what you were brought up to know.

Growing up in the private school bubble of Hawaii from immigrant parents and church goers...my world really was super healthy and positive. We were taught to work hard to get to our goals with our own two hands. Yet as you go out into the world, you learn that why yes, hotter boys and girls really don’t necessarily need to work as hard if all else are equal. They can easily get the job, build good rapport with seniors, build more favorable relationships with clients, make the better first impression on guys. (All this is just that they have it easier to get their foot in the door initially...whether the relationships last long term then depends on their own abilities).

So tonight I went to the bar/club scene w new friends from maybe around 10pm till midnight. I JUST DIDNT FEEL ANY VIBES. I met a girl there who was the date of a guy who’s a friend of the guy I was with. She told me she’s only met him last night at a gay bar and they had a date tonight. She’s two years older than me (so 38?) and she’s also tried online dating here and it’s been crap. I share the same sentiment.

Yet I am standing there thinking...man will they work out? The guy she came on a date with was so drunk the whole time I met him tonight. He also ditched her at some point which left her talking to us girls. And then I think to myself...this really isn’t the type of the start of relationship that I want. Where is the whole normal courtship? The getting to know each other over dinner, movies, desserts, walks? Or even activities together like hikes or learning new things? :( I don’t understand why it must get physical from date 1 or 2? I get it that it’s a big part of the relationship, but is that it? I feel like dating in the mid-30s is exactly that. Guys no longer have filters about what’s the “respectful” way to interact with girls. The first messages they send you could be “hey DTF tonight?” Or even if they start off normal...by the 5th line.....somehow sex always come up. Like if you are taking birth control? Or what is your fav kinky positive? Or can you swallow all the cum?!?! I mean why do we even need to talk abt these?!?!! 😓. You might think I am a prude but I just thought sex should be something precious and sacred that you should only share with your life partner. 😓. Yet AL guys with age ranging from 21-38 or even older...that’s alllll that they can think about when they chat with you 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Then at the bar....you see alll these guys wanting to pick up girls...and just playing these eye contact games. sigh why can’t it be just hey I am interested in getting to know you, can we hang out? Then you meet this other guy who seems like he’s a decent guy, he’s also online dating but only dates girls who are in LA, Seattle and etc. Because even he thinks the choices here are crappy. That LA girls are so much better and girls that he’s actually attracted to.....sigh

I mean all in all this really is just a vent. Partly Bc I feel too old to be playing the game of dressing up and being hot to attract the guys’ attention at a bar along with bunch of other 20+ year olds. I naively think that substantive guys would prefer more than the skantily dressed 20+ year olds. But of course who am I kidding right? Like tonight I met this dentist guy who studied in Boston and moved back here. He seems single and I feel like our backgrounds would be compatible. we chatted but then didn’t really continue on Bc he was distracted...🤷🏻‍♀️ so I can only think that either 1) he doenst wanna settle down yet so not looking or 2) that I just wasn’t attractive enough. At least in this bar/club setting the guys somehow are all still super distracted by other scantily dressed girls. Clearly not the right place for me to be looking for a life companion.

But then if not here, where? I’d not how like this, then what? So what environment should I be in so that guys like him will talk to me?!?

#forversingle

finally a “normal” conversation with a guy I met online here. In my online dating lifetime, he was maybe guy #5 who had that conversation aspect out of....gosh maybe a 100 by now?

We chatted for 5 hours on this first encounter. I asked if he was disappointed after our meeting. (Bc nothing physical happened since the premise of our meet up was for him to release his pent up sexual energy 😅). And he said “no...he’s not the type to get disappointed much and he’s pretty chill.” He added “it was really great talking to you though”. <- at least I felt it wasn’t just saying it out of courtesy...like he actually meant he enjoyed it, I mean we did chat for 5 hours so I’d hope it was at least good convo? 😅

Somehow I get those a lot.....it’s good talking to you. But these “dates” never really go on anywhere. Well it did for a bit for one guy that I ended up seeing over the course of 6 months. And that ended Bc of the distance or I guess lack of chemistry 🤷🏻‍♀️. Those dates were like 10 hours each time since he was coming from CT. There was another guy in nyc we were supposed to have a second date but he was traveling and I was too and then fizzled out. 🤦🏻‍♀️ It happened for another guy in Hawaii for like 2 dates...and then fizzled out. I never quite understood why either Bc I thought we connected on the conversation level. At least we could be friends? 🤔

In the 5 hours - what did we talk about?

His near death travel stories (he’s been to 70+ countries) and my near crazy encounters. Talked about work and school, mental health cases, online dating in various locations, personalities, Netflix shows, buying experiences and not things.....lol I guess all the things I would normally talk about. And he engaged and reciprocated. (Unlike 99% of the guys I meet here)

And throughout there’s nothing physical. I wondered if it’s Bc he didn’t think I was “hot” enough for him to even try to make moves? We went back to his hotel room too and just sat on the couch and chatted for 2 more hours. (But I also disclosed on the way there that I have my period so not much can happen...he just laughed. Should I not have mentioned that and just went and see what he’d do? I guess I mentioned it Bc I didn’t want him to try do something and then be frustrated Bc he was aroused and had to stop? I felt that might have been more annoying? 🤷🏻‍♀️ is my logic wrong?)

So in our chats his comment about dating in the bay...he hates the bay Bc ppl are cliquey and it’s filled w “losers/nerds” from high school who now make a lot of $. (For guys at least) the girls who are from there are smart, but ugly. And Bc they are smart they don’t try Bc somehow they don’t think they need to be pretty or dressed up. They just wear hoodies and jeans. (NYC girls try) The girls who are not smart, well they dress up and are pretty but are dumb and use the guys to get whatever they want and act like queens. The smart ones Bc of the gender ratio inequality also act like queens, which he hates.

So....lol where does that leave us? He says he likes dumb girls...but the 3 adjectives he used to describe his ideal mate - cute, dominant, and serious. <- very diff than what he says he likes. 🤔.

But anyways so we finished a beer at his hotel and left. He walked me to the parking and he went to look for food around 10:30pm. We met up around 5:15pm. I told him, well he now has my number so ya lemme know if he’s ever in town. I also did say if I do visit Australia, will he show me around? But then I have no way to contact him 🤷🏻‍♀️. I doubt we will ever see each other again unless some miracle happen 😂😓

But yes this leaves me wondering....why can’t I ever seem to get past this to the next phase? It’s already hard enough meeting people who can engage in these conversations with me. When I find them...it just gets stuck. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Any dating coach out there who can enlighten me???? Sigh

And yes this guy would have checked off my list....can engage in convo, Asian (Taiwanese ❤️), educated (Stanford), well traveled...we seemed to share similar values and interests.

*edit - morning after the night, he unmatched me and even blocked me on his iPhone. Why? He’s only using a temp SIM card...what happened to made him think he never wants to hear from me again?!?

#onlinedating datingcoach adviceneeded datingadviceneeded coffeemeetsbagel tinderstories mynormal

https://www.thisisinsider.com/things-wrong-with-modern-according-to-relationship-coach-2019-3?utm_content=buffer5b915&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer-beauty

Relationship coach Sami Wunder spoke to INSIDER about everything that's broken with modern dating, and how we can fix it.

Three dates this wked....

#1 - chatted for 5 hours and I felt like we had the most in common. Background, childhood, communication....

Though some worries - he’s never quite dated, I worry that our relationship will lack the physical intimacy :/ he stood 2 ft away as we walked. Last and only time he’s dated was for 6 months when he was 30. (He’s 39 now and claims he is ready to settle).

And he also grew up raised by his grandma - I fear he won’t really know how to love a family :/

And he’s super conservative, he thoroughly stalked me out before meeting me. Claims he should have made trial run even for the parking at the restaurant before going. I fear he’s...too careful? I am definitely more of a risk taker. I fear if the sky falls, he’ll be super afraid and won’t make it through without me worrying too :/

#2 - really only friend material. He’s 42 and local boy. Really nice though but probably not where I’d like him to be career wise.

#3 - an old friend I haven’t seen for a few years recently moved here. It’s been great reminiscing old times. And like a true New Yorker, he’s a risk taker and goal oriented. I feel slightly more comfortable with him Bc I feel like even if the sky falls, he has backup plans and will make it through w stride. As in I won’t have to worry...

So...which do I have the best connection with? 🤔 only time will tell.

Such double standards....

Here this guy was starting the convo by saying how gorgeous I was and how he’s super attracted. To which I respond well beauty fades my prince. (Seriously who calls themselves prince?)

This whole connection started when we mutually liked each other. But I sent him a message first saying “thanks for the like but I am 10 years older so good luck to you”. And then he responded saying “lol you are not 10 years old”. (He already didn’t read my message clearly). Then we were chatting and he told me he grew up in nyc and that he’s actually 36. To which I responded oh great fellow New Yorker! Then he said oh you are a New Yorker too? I joked someone didn’t read my profile. He said he did but proceeded to ask where I went to school. Again didn’t read my profile. 😓 but he said he liked my sense of humor. Again I have my doubts for having been in nyc and being 36 and never been on dating apps and I am the first girl he’s connected with.

Continuing on he asked to connect offline so I gave him my # and joked well hopefully you won’t send me pics that you won’t send your mom or g’ma 😂. And he got super offended and said he didn’t like how I talked to him and thought he had motives and that did I not think he was serious?

come on now...so it’s ok for you to cat call me and told me I was the one you are looking for when you haven’t even met me and then gets offended when I doubt your intentions?!? And telling me I am not the only one with experiences?!? Seriously?!?

😡

#doublestandards #youarenot36 #plsdontsweettalkme #ihateflattery #wehaventevenmet #idontknowyou #glasshearts #ridiculousonlineconvos

Please shoot me....this is from a 39 year old high school teacher.

First he doesn’t know when to stop texting and meet up. (I suggested to meet up) Then he didn’t know what to do or what to eat. (I made ravps) And then he thought it would be awkward to go together. (I said we should just go together) 😭😭😭😭

And now he’s like is this a date or causal meet up?!!? I am like are you gonna behave any differently if it’s one over the other?!?!?

I don’t even want to meet up anymore....sigh

34 yo attorney who works for the army

You are the second army dude that I have met in Hawaii online. Calm demeanor and chill. We watched venom and then went to dinner. Dinner probably only lasted for about an hour and I asked if you wanted to grab bubble tea to sit and chat which you more or less declined and we continued to walk back to your car. In the car, I asked if you had venmo and offered to pay you back for dinner and movie. You said you didn’t have any of those and that convo sort of ended there.

Dinner convo consisted of you asking me about my travel pictures on my profile so I shared some stories about those. You shared that I have been to 27 countries more than you and that you do want to travel some more. We talked about Texas a bit and how I stood in line there for 4 hours for bbq. And how I got the google home minis and how my dad has such a great time commanding it. We laughed. You said your fav places in Europe were Berlin and London, any big cities with history Bc you were a history major.

It was a pleasant dinner but somehow I feel like I haven’t gotten to know you. Other than that you went to UT for college and Colorado for law school and that you just moved to Hawaii in May and that this is your job as an attorney after law school and you will be stationed here for the next 3 years. Your mom moved back to Korean and you grew up in Texas. You are enjoying life in Hawaii.

I texted you the below after I got home and all I got was “sure! Glad you had a good time.”

So....no second time? Why? I talked too much? You felt that I was out of your league? We didn’t share similar habits? It costed too much? It was getting too late for you? (It was only 8:30pm) I had dates where I talked 90% Bc it was absolute silence. Tonight it was like 60%....Sigh...I don’t get it...why do I only get the weirdos and no continuation with “normal”? 😓

Seriously?? Why would I be on this dating app if I got married????

#commonsense #hateonlinedating

I matched with this 38 yo pretty cute looking self proclaimed business man on sept 8th, less than two weeks ago. We messaged for like a day on cmb and he asked to take it offline to whatsapp or whatever Bc he wants to keep all his conversation in one app. (Red flag 1) But it's ok so we did that. It's just a number anyways. We messaged a few days and he asked very intentional questions like...what was the hardest lesson you learned in past relationships. What it was like growing up...etc. so I was pretty impressed. He shared he moved here from NYC a year ago and that he grew up in Germany, Italy and the U.K. His response for his childhood was prolly 100 red flags. BUT I have him the benefit of the doubt....it could sound genuine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Then we messaged for a few more days where he sends me selfies of himself and asked me about my days and we set time to meet up this past Saturday for drinks around 5pm to celebrate him winning some bid. BUT like 20 mins prior to us meeting he messaged and say sorry he has to cancel Bc his clients booked him on last min business trip to Istanbul, turkey. He will be gone for 4-5 weeks but would still want to go on a date with me and make it up to me when he comes back. Ok fine....life happens. Then today he sent me the above message. Sigh....really? My friend even pointed out that he typed that super long message and sent it only one minute (time stamped) from his previous message to me. He must have copied and pasted it and blasted the message. The New Yorker instinct kicked in again and I was like this is screaming scam. So I reasoned w him a bit and he turned it around and said what I have said are all true. But that I didn't have to rub it in his face. 😓 really not my intention but just wanted to point out how ridiculous this is sounding right now. Him - 38 yo business owner can't afford $100 iTunes gift card??? He has no business partners or friends or family to borrow from where he resorted to asking some girl he's never even met online. iTunes gift card...when your Apple ID is most likely linked to a credit card so he doesn't even have more than one credit card to borrow from???? Annndddd to turn it back on me after reading those to say I was rubbing it in his face 😑😑😑 I really am just speechless...

#scamalert #cantrustnoone #wouldyoubelievethis #speechless

What does this say about my connections? And dating in Hawaii when 5 out of the 6 matches in the last 2 weeks are tourists?!?!? That local boys are so bad that I don't even bother to swipe right? Or those who are not from Hawaii just look so much better (not just looks but the EQ, career, education, passion...) Sigh...the odds aren't looking so good here....

#oddsarebad #whyisonlinedatingi #Hawaiisohard hateonlinedating

32 y.o psychiatrist resident from NYC

We texted for about a week and he finally asked to meet up for coffee before our line closed. I know just from pics he might not be what I would be initially attracted to. But because after a week of texting, I find out that he grew up in New York, came from china when he was 11, speaks Chinese at home, calls his mom daily, watches Korean/Chinese drama, is a "foodie", likes to do meaningful work (that's why he wants to be a children psychiatrist)....so all of the above makes me feel like wow maybe we can be compatible. At least I was hopeful. So finally we met this past Sunday...he was already seated at the bubble tea place that I recommended. And he ordered himself a drink. So I went to the line and proceed to order mine after exchanging a few lines. (Note he didn't even offer to buy my drink) Then we sat down and chatted...pretty good convo (at least a two way convo) and I thought we had more in common. But I guess I wasn't attracted to the point I couldn't really hold eye contact w him. I kept looking past him to whatever was behind him :( but I really tried. We chatted for maybe an hour and half? And I was like ok I have to go and we said our good byes and I said "ok till next time!" And that was that. He went on his way I went on my way. I told myself even though I was not physically attracted, if he were to text me and ask to go out again I would still try. But the fact that he didn't ask...I am almost like why??? Could it be that I wasn't pretty enough? But if he wasn't as superficial as I had hoped he would be and that he valued our conversation, shouldn't he at least text me back??? It's dates like these where I don't hear from them that kind of shakes me up a little. I am secure and know my worth...but when those who I consider are more or less a potential match don't message me back?!! Even just as friends?!?! I can't help but start questioning.... Sigh....

#hateonlinedating #allmenaresuperficial #idontgetit

Yet another 27 y.o Korean guy from the military….have not met yet….been texting for a few days….

And all he wants to do is come over and watch a Korean movie/drama with me because he wants to translate it for me….😓😓😓😓

Let's see if he says anything more to me after this....#doubtit

#areall27yearoldslikethis #isthishow27yearoldsdate #third27yearold

As a 38 year old you don’t even have the decency to say bye and just left the chat room after asking a question…one word - RUDE. This was after you initiated the convo to ask if I was Korean and where I was born. If I liked the NYC life and etc...It's ok I get it that you might only want Korean girls, that's fine we can cordially part ways especially since you are not visiting here anyways. but to just do this. Unacceptable. No wonder you are still single.

#whodoyouthinkyouare #nodecency #coward #wtf

37 y.o jet blue contractor in NYC

Thank you for showing me that there is a normal guy out there. I am sorry I wasn’t completely honest that I was only there for a week. But I also didn’t know that you were looking for something that could be long term and serious. I am disappointed that our timing is like this and that from past experiences (stalker where you needed to place a restraining order) you are not willing to keep the conversation open via other modes of communication. 🤷🏻‍♀️

At least you were respectful, asked questions, and we shared similar backgrounds. (HK, moved when we were 8, NYU, Lehman/Goldman, close fam)

All I can say is if I am ever in NYC again I will reach out.

#atleasttherearenormalguys #timingiseverything #respectingwomen

Hawaii is such a small place

I went on a date over drinks with this 33 y.o professor. Turns out that he had only broken up w his gf of a year and 4 months just 3 days prior. 😓 ANNDDDDD as we got to talking we have actually met before two weeks ago at some event with mutual friends. We didn't talk that night so didn't really remember each other. But grrrrrr. This is guy #2 that I have met here where I was the first girl they meet online after having broken up with their gfs. The last one had broken up w the girl less than a month ago. And now the new record is....THREE days. 😡

#dontwanttoberebound #reboundssuck #whyme #theislandistoosmall

Sorry I don't meet with landscapes... #whybother #insecure? #whoareyou #whatmakesyouthinkhumanswouldrespond #dontwastemytime

These are the teachers you have teaching your kids today.... #whatmorals? #teachersarementoo? @onlinedatingsucksass @onlinedatingeyerolls @onlinedatinghating-blog-blog

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Online Dating...the Necessary Evil? 😡