A Date With Anxiety

One woman in her late twenties. One terrible case of anxiety. Together venturing into the world of dating both online and off.

[datingwithanxiety]

Should I Keep Trying to Find a Better Boyfriend?

I’m hoping I can help you abandon this foolish idea of “upgrading." First of all, pick up a copy of Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice.

[datingwithanxiety]

The 12-Hour Goodbye That Started Everything

A spurned woman confronts the question: When you lose love, should you even try to get over it?

“While we were together, I had anxiety attacks every day, though I never mentioned them while dancing across the kitchen to offer him oven-baked salmon and glasses of wine.“

[datingwithanxiety]

Opinion | Yes, It’s Your Parents’ Fault

“Attachment theory“ finds new resonance in the age of smartphones.

[datingwithanxiety]

Welcome

Dovetail is first the relationship app. Improve your bond with the science of attachment theory.

Interesting new attachment app

[datingwithanxiety]

48 Ideas For Increasing Emotional Availability & Breaking Harmful Relationship Patterns

Whatever it is that has brought you to Baggage Reclaim and got you exploring the subject of emotional unavailability and emotional baggage, if you want your own circumstances to change and you fundamentally want to evolve out of whatever pattern you have been in, you will need to become more emotion…

[nankingdecade]

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself

[datingwithanxiety]

Top 10 Least Compassionate Breakup Strategies

As least as rated by this study Choosing Compassionate Strategies to End a Relationship:

10. Use e-mail or instant messenger to tell my partner how I feel.

9. Block my partner from seeing me on instant messenger

8. Intentionally “leak” my desire to break up to someone I anticipate would inform my partner.

7. Make the relationship more costly for my partner by being bitchy*, demanding, etc.

6. Avoid contact with my partner as much as possible.

5. Text message my partner to tell him/her how I feel.

4. Verbally blame my partner for causing the breakup, even if I thought s/he weren’t totally to blame.

3. Become unpleasant to my partner in the hopes that s/he would make the first move.

2. Threaten my partner if s/he didn’t accept the breakup.

1. Ask a third party to break the breakup news to my partner. * unfortunate they used this gendered negative word

Here are the “compassionate” ones:

5. Emphasize to my partner the good things gained from the relationship in the past

4. Verbally explain to my partner in person my reasons for desiring to break up.

3. Honestly convey my wishes to my partner.

2. Tell my partner that I didn’t regret the time we had spent together in the relationship.

1. Find a time when we can talk face to face about my desire to break up.

[datingwithanxiety]

You Can Now Read Metafilter’s Thread On Emotional Labor as an Annotated PDF

Did you read that super-long Metafilter thread about emotional labor? It'll be easier now that someone has made it into an annotated PDF.

[datingwithanxiety]

Via here

[datingwithanxiety]

Best Dating Podcasts

I love listening to podcasts when I’m cleaning and luckily there are a few that are great for learning more about healthy relationships and reflecting on your own relationships.  My fav is Baggage Reclaim, which is no surprise since I love her books.

I’ve tried out a few other podcasts about love, relationships, dating but none of them really spoke to me, until I discovered Why Oh Why by Andrea Silenzi recently. If you’re new to it check out How Will I Know about her own relationship dissolving due to different desires about having children. 

[datingwithanxiety]

I honestly think men are confused about the concept of romance and relationships. As if not wanting to get married is a get out of jail free card for human decency. Or refusing to define a relationship (or to use the word at all, though guess what dude, you have relationships with your boss, barista, grandpa) means you can never be held accountable for anything. So often they just can't seem to imagine a middle ground between single and monogamous that includes kindness and respect. (That virgin/whore thing runs deep.)

Wise person in a relationship/dating FB group I’m in, non-attributed per request

[datingwithanxiety]

When You Blame Yourself

It’s interesting to look back on my post on my relationship from around this time last year. Since then that relationship has ended. It’s fascinating how much the blame on the high anxiety score I ascribed to myself. Looking back all those feelings were totally correct.

The relationship ended in the summer when he told me he didn’t love me and never would.  The lesson I learned is there is no reason to continue to endure in a relationship where you constantly feel “I often wish that their feelings for me are as strong as my feelings for him/her.” That’s not your problem. That’s maybe not their problem. But it’s definitely a relationship with problems.

My anxiety disorder is real. And it’s sometimes irrational. But some anxieties are founded on realities. 

[datingwithanxiety]

Ask Polly: Why Do I Only Want Unavailable Men?

It’s easy to give your love to someone who doesn’t care.

[datingwithanxiety]

Here's What to Do When You Get Ghosted

Here's what to do when you get ghosted. Yes it sucks, but this should help.

[datingwithanxiety]

The thing is, it’s not true that we can always cheer up our partner, and it’s not true that we should always try. Loving people does not give us the ability to take away their pain, or alter their mood, or change their behavior. We can neglect our own needs attempting to, but that doesn’t actually help the people we love, and it certainly doesn’t help us.

When Depression Is the Third In Your Relationship

[datingwithanxiety]

From Natalie Lue’s (Baggage Reclaim) new post Love, Care, Trust and Respect.

[datingwithanxiety]

I’m not alone in having experienced this. Alongside the wage gap and the emotional labour gap, the antics of softboys, f-ckboys, fading and ghosting constitute a pronounced communication gap. People of all genders are guilty of bad behaviour, but women are taught from childhood that they need to monitor and be responsible for other people’s feelings. Men have not been socialized in the same way. They are horrified when we tell them what we need. Regardless of whether the circumstances involve just hooking up or the potential for a relationship, men are ignoring what women are asking for. They don’t care if we get off, and they don’t care if our feelings get hurt.

Why I’m Giving Up Dating Men and Just Staying Home