For as long as I can remember, there's been a voice in the back of my head that's constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong, and what I should be doing instead.
It feels like I have a permanent Filipino mom installed in my subconscious. Whenever I have something that I know I need to do, the voice in the back of my head tells me I should stop what I'm doing right now and just do that thing instead, stop wasting time.
Even when I'm just trying to relax and do some thing W that I enjoy, that voice in the back of my head gets even louder. It tells me I don't deserve to enjoy myself. Why haven't I done X, Y, or Z yet? How can I even live with myself like this?
So I go ahead and try to do X. But when I do, I'm constantly distracted. I'm second-guessing my ability to do it properly, and overanalyzing my every attempt at doing X. Then I ultimately fail to do X. The voice in my head tells me I shouldn't be having this much trouble with this at this point, am I really 28 years old? What a sorry fucking excuse for an adult. I keep making such stupid mistakes, and REPEATING these same mistakes. I don't think I'll ever learn how to do this properly.
I have put off doing Y for a long while, and the voice in the back of my head gets even louder.
Why have you been putting off doing something so simple? Just go fucking do it, you idiot. This is why you never get anything done, because you take so long thinking about doing Y without actually doing it. What are you preparing for? You're gonna fail anyway, so why even bother planning so much? You're hopeless.
So I finally do Y, and I feel momentary relief. But then the voice gets smug.
Wow, that took you long enough. See, you could do it after all. If only you just listened to me earlier, then this wouldn't have been such a big deal. Why don't you just do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it? You're so difficult. You already know I'm right.
My mood is sour. I don't even feel like doing Z anymore. I'm not even confident in my ability to do it, and now I'm exhausted just thinking about it. It's better that I don't even try, and wait till I'm in the right mindset to tackle it.
And the voice goes,
Wow, you're really gonna use that excuse again? You're tired? What have you even done? You've failed at doing X, barely accomplished doing Y, and you're not even gonna start on Z? You're gonna wait for the right mindset? Okay, so when is that happening? Because it sure as hell has managed to escape you for the longest fucking time. You don't have the right to take it easy right now. You'll never catch up at this rate. You're just a fucking waste of oxygen, you know that? Other people don't even struggle this hard doing such a simple task. Look at the people you know. Do you think they struggle with doing Z? No, because they've all grown up. They learned to do that on their own so long ago. But you? You're nothing but a fucking child in a man's body. You let your fear of failure control your whole life. You're just a loser who refuses to look reality in the face, who ignores his own problems and keeps finding all sorts of excuses not to do the things you know you have to learn how to do on your own. You're not a victim, you're just a coward. You're fucking cringy. You're embarrassing. You're disgusting. I hate that I have to live in such a shitty, half-assed life. You're just wasting your time. You never get anything done. You always let people down. Especially those close to you, who just want you to get better. What results do you have to show for all that effort you told them you were putting in? Huh? Why do you keep letting them down? Do you actually not care about them? You're really gonna make excuses when so many people are counting on you to get better? You even started to make a list of all the things you have to do, so you wouldn't forget. So you can't even use that excuse anymore. So what is it, huh? Tell me, why won't you just fucking do what you're SUPPOSED TO DO?
I've had it with this voice. So I just choose to ignore it, and do whatever I want to do. But the more I try and ignore it, the louder it comes roaring back, when I least want to hear it.
I decide to try and finally enjoy W. But it's different this time. That guilt in the back of my mind has grown 10x larger, and it's only getting worse. Now I hear the voice in the back of my head judge me at the games I'm playing.
Wow, this is something you're doing for fun, right? Why are you so bad at it? If you can't even get good at the things you're trying to enjoy, why even bother? You're wasting your time. If you're gonna spend time getting better at something, at least spend it on learning to do something that will actually improve your life.
Okay, there goes my relaxation. But maybe I have a point there. So I decide to channel some of that energy into getting good at journaling. After all, it's something that I've been wanting to do for a while anyway.
But I have slip-ups from time to time. Whoops, voice is back.
You're so inconsistent with your journaling, are you even trying? It takes 30 days to establish a habit, but you've failed half a month into the new year. It's like you don't even care about getting better. This clearly isn't working out for you, so why don't you just give up and save yourself the trouble? Hey, with all this time you spent on getting better at journaling, why didn't you spend that time and energy on Z? You could've been done with it by now.
It's like I can never win with this voice. It's an endless hate machine, that does nothing but cast judgment. It never acknowledges what I do right, and it has a seemingly endless amount of energy to point out what I do wrong. Whenever I accomplish anything I set out to do, instead of feeling a sense of satisfaction, I just feel relief. Relief that I don't have to worry about doing that thing. And then go on to doing the next thing.
It's an endless cycle with no mental reward, that I think has ultimately led to me burning out. I want to change it. But whenever I do try to change it, I end up thinking I just want to rip that part of me out entirely. And that never ends well. It ends up coming right back, manifesting in ways that I least expect--sometimes even externally, directed towards the people I care about. I hate that the most.
I've come to understand that I don't need to necessarily discard this voice. It can be useful at times. I just need to learn that I will always have these types of thoughts, they're a part of me that I just need to accept. I don't have to let these thoughts inform my actions. But that's much, much easier said than done.
Yeah, considering how much trouble you had just doing Z, good luck trying to get rid of me. I'm the voice that's gotten you this far, after all. You're nothing without me.
