i think there's still a small part of me that misses the idea of dying, actually dying, doing it, end it all, by myself. The idea of dying is actually somehow comforting at this point. Knowing that no matter what, I'll die someday makes me feel calm. For now I guess I'll just stay alive! because i want to and because it's fun! enjoying the sun on my skin and being able to look at myself in the mirror is nicer than wanting to kill myself every single day.
I don't think that my need to finally die has changed that much either. I do want to live, i am not doing anything to avoid it anymore, not now at least, but i also really want to die, eventually, one day, maybe when I'm older, maybe younger than i expected, maybe suddenly or maybe by a slow-bodyeating-killer disease. But knowing that i will die, i will leave this world, i will give a last breath and everything will finally go quiet forever is probably what keeps me alive today
