23/SLC/Birth Mother

[daughterofaking22]

To The Birth Father Who I Know Will Never Read This, I love you but not as the I'm in love with you. We need to be together type of way. It's not even like a brother or sister way. I wish I hated you. I wish could just shrug you off. But honestly how could I hate you or just shrug you off? Yes we used each other and never really cared. Hurts like hell knowing you don't even wonder who your child may be. It's hurts worse knowing you feel she's a mistake. But I love you for blessing me with her. I might not have her in my arms every night or see what sweet smile every morning. But I do still get to be part of who is she. I don't want to say thank you for the ways you you used me or hurt me. Yet I do thank you for bringing the best most beautiful gift into my life. She's gorgeous and as much as I hate to say it.. she has your skin, eyebrows, eye color just a little darker, eyelashes and she even pulls some of your faces. Sadly I don't even hate you a little. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have her. So as much as I hate to say this.. I forgive you for everything. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have my daughter I would be living my same old messed up life. I would never have grown up. So thank you. I do wish you the best in life and hope your family turns out as you dream. I hope you have found ways to truly stay clean and that you will be an amazing dad one day. I wish all the best and truly send you a huge thank you. That little girl is the light and joy to my life. She's my smile on hard days and my heart. I don't know what I'd do without her. Thank you for giving me the love of my life and brightens of my future. Not only thank you for her but for helping me mold into someone I can love and be happy with. Thanks to finding myself I was able to be come one with an amazing man who helps me more than I could dream of and loved my little girl almost as much as I do. So thank you for my baby girl and my chance to better myself. I don't hate you. I love you for the gifts and blessing you given me. My daughter will always have parts of you in/with her. Thank you. - Marissa

[daughterofaking22]

Will I ever feel okay?

[daughterofaking22]

I use to be scared to be myself. I was so worried no one would like me. My taste in music, clothes, tv shows, anything. I use to be feed on others and how they viewed me. I forced myself to like what they did so I wasn't left out. Or looked down on. I use to never say no to people. Think for myself. Say what's on my mind or express how I truly feel. I was worried on how the world viewed me. I was even worried with how I looked physical. I was never pretty enough or skinny enough. When any boy showed me any interest I had to be with asap. It was like my way to show the world I did matter. But I always ended up hurt. I never really got to know who he was. I didn't truly love myself. I didn't know who I was. I lost myself. I lied to myself about who I was. I was pretending to be someone I am definitely not. Just for acceptance. I felt ugly without makeup. I felt damaged with curly hair. I never felt beauty within myself. I never felt like I was enough. But to the world I am just one girl. I might not always fit in or know what people are talking about. I might have acne one day and clear skin the next. My hair might not always be perfect or the curls might not flow. My style isn't like the rest of the girls and I have baby weight left from my gorgeous daughter. I have stretch marks and scars. But I don't care. I am beautiful. I don't need the world to approve me. I don't need to always fit in or pretend or force myself to like things other do. I am enough. I'm worth a lot more than I thought. I am an amazing strong person. If someone doesn't like who I am that's not on me and I do not need to change. It just means there are better loving people out there looking for me. I am worth it. I am beautiful and I don't always need to fit in. I am birth mom strong.

[daughterofaking22]

It honestly sucks sometimes knowing the best thing and the right thing. I never knew the true pain of grieving. It's hard to grieve the lose of someone who is still alive. I miss my daughter more than I would ever imagine. While I was pregnant I was so sure on adoption and fell completely in love with her family. Which I do still love her family and know I did the right thing. But I just didn't know how to prepare myself for the goodbye. Honestly I don't think you can fully do that. It's hard living my life day to day, waking up without that sweet pea. I just wish this was all easier.

[daughterofaking22]

11/4/2016 at 12:44pm I became a mother to the sweetest little girl. 7 pounds 10 ounces and 19 1/2 inches. She stole my heart. On 11/5/2016 I became a birth mom. I decided that the best thing and the best life I could give for my baby was to place her for adoption. I found the most perfect and beautiful family for my baby. I know if anyone will love her like I do it's this family. She's the most amazing little girl and healthy, happy and strong. She is definitely worth all I have and will go through. I'm truly lucky to be her birth mother. She's truly lucky for all the love she gets from the beautiful family she's with and the love my family has for her. Braelyn is my sweet little girl and I love her. I'm blessed being able to be her birth mother. 💕

[daughterofaking22]

Hang with me here seeing as I'm not a writer or really good with words. How do you reach out to people asking for help when you aren't okay, and you don't really have anyone to turn to? I knew at the beginning my choice on adoption wasn't easy nor will it ever be. I just didn't realize how much harder it could get.. about a week ago I ended up in labor and delivery with the nurse saying "you are having contractions" my heart dropped into my stomach thinking it's go time. I have the most beautiful amazing family for my daughter I couldn't be more with them. It just really hit me that this sweet little sassy girl I have created and carried for 9 months soon won't be with me 24/7. I cried to my mom how I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. Lucky enough they were able to stop the contractions so I have a little more time with this sweet girl. But how does a mother prepare herself for goodbye? It's not easy. But I am getting ready. I know what I'm doing is more than perfect. I just can't breathe the closer it gets. I talk to my mom daily about me not being okay and my depression, how it's taking over. But how do I reach out to the friends I do have? I have such a hard time opening up to anyone that even telling my mom I'm not okay is hard. I'm scared at how my depression will take over if I don't reach out. My daughter means everything to me which is why I'm putting myself through such a heart breaking choice. I'm lucky and will still be part of her life but right now.. how do I make sure I'm okay?..

[daughterofaking22]

Truly sucks when you need someone to talk to and no one is there..

[daughterofaking22]

Tomorrow 😍

[daughterofaking22]

Seeing stuff like this proves to me that I made the best choice ever for my little princess!! I unfortunately wouldn't be able to give her anything close to this. My heart is so full getting this beautiful photo of my sweet little princesses room!! She's truly incredibly lucky and I couldn't feel more blessed in my whole life. Thank you 💕 baby girl mama loves you.

[daughterofaking22]

Tonight’s a little hard as I lay here feeling my little move around. So I thought I’d get this off my chest. To those people telling me how awful of a person I am for going with adoption, you need to realize. Yes I’m in my 20s and could raise her you are absolutely right. Did you think though that made I’m not ready? I get it. No one ever is ready with a planned baby or not, but I will admit. Which I’m not proud of.. I need to grow up. I rely to much on others around me. I break down over I guess you could say spilled milk. So before you go bashing me for this choice I had to make know this.

• I spent many nights trying to figure out how I could do it. I cried myself to sleep more than I have in my life time. I stressed over everything. I even had to think of father and all the law stuff to come. I spent many days and nights not being myself to make this choice. I shut down. I went to work and came home to lose everything. I have done what I need to. I’m doing what’s best.

I love this little girl more than I could ever love myself which is why I’m doing what’s best for her! I need to give her what she deserves in life. I can’t have my baby girl be miserable because of me. I put her before myself which again sadly to say.. I never put anyone before me until now. Yes I’m breaking my own heart in away no one else ever could. I’m doing it to fill it back with love watching her learn and grown with an amazing family. Who is more than ready to add her to their sweet little family.

So before you go bashing me and trying to make me feel like a horrible person. Know that I love her enough to do this. Know that it’s not easy but it’s what’s best! Know that she’s going to the most amazing family I could ask for. Know that this all for the best life she can have.

Baby girl, your birth mama will always love you and hold you near in my heart while this perfect family not holds you in their hearts but their arms. You lucky and special princess. Never forget that.

[daughterofaking22]

Had I loved her any less. One ounce less. She would stay with me. My love for her is the only thing that can enable me to break my own heart.

[daughterofaking22]

I have nothing at all going for me.. Everything is against me.. Maybe adoption is best..

[daughterofaking22]

Nevaeh Christine King 💕 it's a girl!

[daughterofaking22]

Welp because no ones really coming tonight I'll drown myself in cheesecake. 💁🏻 happy gender reveal to me.

[daughterofaking22]

Forever hating the pain in my body as it starts to adjust to having a little human inside. Little babe.. You are worth all this miserable shit but I will love you more if you could stop.

[gifprincess]

[roybrandys]