why can’t i just heal?
all day i strive to fit an idea that could never be.
i try so hard to manipulate rational thoughts
into something that is twisted
just so i can have a sense of control,
a sense of identity,
maybe even a sense of belonging,
anything, just so i can feel satisfied once more.
i work myself to look the best ever,
to be the ‘thinspo’ once more,
even though i know it’s slowly killing me inside.
yet i don’t want it to stop.
why do i not want it to stop?
i know this can’t be continued for much longer.
yet i just don’t seem to have the effort to recover.
it’s just easier to give in.
every time i try and push myself
i always end up regretting it later.
food dominates my mind but i am never satisfied.
all in efforts to be something unsustainable, unachievable.
the guilt runs through my body,
a feeling i am so accustomed to,
every time i even think about eating an ‘unhealthy’ food:
don’t think about it,
you’re not allowed,
that doesn’t follow the rules.
why is it so hard to shake this vicious cycle?
to get rid of the feelings of worthlessness?
what should be making me better is ripping me apart.
causing so much inner turmoil,
pulling my relationships onto threads,
making me live a life full of lies and secrets.
so if i’m aware of all of this why can’t i heal?
a question i ask myself so often:
why can’t i just heal.
