think too much, talk too fast @daydreamtendenciess - Tumblr Blog

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Okay so I know I basically never use this blog anymore but I am in serious need of a place to vent and also maybe some support if anybody even still follows me lol

I don’t have a drinking problem in the sense that I need alcohol or am drunk way too much. I have no problem going weeks or even months without drinking, but whenever I drink i consume entirely too much alcohol, and that is a problem for me that I desperately want to change. I have a boyfriend now and he's probably the greatest thing thats ever happened to me, he’s just amazing. He’s so kind and intelligent and he is just my absolute best friend. But I am terrified of losing him and whenever I drink that self destructiveness in me comes out and I make bad decisions. Last night I went out in my hometown and drank a disgusting amount, like I am actually freaked out that I consumed that much alcohol and didn't throw up or anything. I blacked out and needed a ride home because I was stranded but instead of calling my sister or something normal I began calling very random people excessively. Its like I wanted some attention from certain people like I only wanted certain people to help me or something I can't even explain it. When i black out sometimes I don't even feel like myself. The whole “drunk words sober thoughts” thing i get that but also I do so many things when blacked out that I genuinely don't want to do when sober. I crave attention when I am drunk from absolutely anybody and I just am always all over the place, put into dangerous situations, and making an absolute humiliation of myself. I want to change. I am determined to change. My life over the last year has really improved and I am proud of myself for the steps I have taken to better myself, but every time I drink I take like 10 steps back and it makes me miserable. When i get drunk I turn into a person who obsessively calls and texts very random people and does things that I deeply regret.

sorry this is so much rambling I am so very hungover and also really really depressed right now and I'm just like trying to get my thoughts out but i can't seem to like think straight but basically I just need encouragement or inspiration like things will be okay and I’ll be able to change. like I want to stop drinking and better myself but i am so so embarrassed by the texts i sent last night and the decisions I've made i feel like i can't even leave bed (also my head is killing me and i feel like my bodies decaying so thats another issue) but I just like need to know that it isn't too late or something. like i need inspiration like I can get through this even though i went backward and became self destructive and turned into the version of myself I've been working so hard to get rid of for good thats it’s okay and everything will be okay.

I know that if I just stop drinking and just go out sober, I may at times be bored but I think overall I will be just all around happier and i will feel a lot better about a lot of things. but like its so hard to think positively and focus on the fact that i can change the future because I am obsessing over all the negative of my past choices