𓏸֢ . behold, the Venn diagram of dazai x reader, fyodor x reader, and fyozai. quick somebody make a meme of this
If you think being the lover of a dysfunctional ex-convict is a chore, try becoming the lovers of two egoistic criminals.
You’re trapped. Sandwiched. Pulled from opposing sides but your magnets (lovers) are very careful to not ruin you because you’re prettiest when you still have your sanity intact.
DAZAI has generosity in allowing you choices compared to Fyodor. He's lenient with you and prefers to dominate you subtly.
Dazai has zero respect for personal spaces. He doesn’t like invading people’s boundaries due to the effect of people mistaking him as someone close later on, but since he's sharing you with Fyodor, he has to mark his territory.
(At least half of you)
He distracts you from Fyodor and gets on Fyodor’s nerves (in a rather hot enemies-and-lovers way). Two birds and one stone.
"What if, I mark you here—" He presses the side of your neck that's supposedly Fyodor’s share. "—just for the giggles of pissing Fedya off? Just kidding! Unless…?"
Opposites are an attractive sight, so he finds it really attractive to see you contrasting Fyodor. When you're flustered hot by Dazai’s wooing, Fyodor shoots ice at him with his eyes from afar.
He'll mess with Fyodor later. You first.
FYODOR is the bad cop between the two. Not that Dazai is a good cop but anyways. He's blunt and rude, but for you, he can be a little gentlemanly.
His love language is attending to your needs. He's a very good listener, you can vent your problems and he always gives you two options.
"There are two viable options, and I have a bias for one of them. Option A, the Me and Dazai’s way. Option B, society-confirming and the ineffective way."
When with you, Fyodor doesn't pay any attention to Dazai. Dazai is just passing wind. Fyodor’s all yours.
But if you, quoting him, "loiter around Dazai" exceeding the agreed time, he's double grumpy.
If you come to chat, he'll point to the door where a chair suddenly stands. "Sit outside and talk from there since you loved the 6 feet distance between us." He doesn't look away from his book.
𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗙𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝗬𝗼𝘂
What makes this relationship work is your versatility, you being the reason why Dazai and Fyodor can see eye to eye through the violence and agitation that comes with each other throughout the years. Such ability to pull them into realisation is also what made them compelled to you.
Fyodor's direction is riddled with his goals and Dazai’s interference breaks the harmony of it, and you are their middle ground. You're the person they wish to keep in their game when other external interruptions are unacceptable, and you made them see each other more than enemies.
Dazai and Fyodor are men who value enlightenment more than satisfaction, their behaviours have geared their nature to be compelled to whoever can ignite new thoughts in them.
You remind Fyodor that Dazai is more than a hidden gem he can compete with because you're close enough with Dazai to bring out his qualities Fyodor hadn't seen before.
You remind Dazai that Fyodor is more than an otherworldly threat since the air of alienation you share with Fyodor humanises him in Dazai’s eyes.
That's why they treasure you, and henceforth each other more (not that they’ll ever admit this). You opened their eyes.
DAZAI uses this relationship to make him feel something aside from the yearning for inclusion, putting into account Fyodor’s vindictiveness and your selective empathy. He has challenges feeling fulfilling emotions that nourish satisfaction, so he hopes that what he has between Fyodor and you can make him feel at least thrilled, excited, or threatened.
He looks forward to provoking Fyodor so he would retaliate and surprise him back because Fyodor is the only person he’s ever encountered whose actions he can’t fully predict as a big picture.
Fyodor’s reactions would range from snapping until the extreme of forgetting that he’s supposed to be “dating” Dazai, and that his retaliations are a bit too fatal for the human body.
When that happens, you have to step in. You’re Fyodor’s Pavlov Bell that reminds him of his current relation with Dazai which should he followed by understanding, patience, and empathy, albeit how irrational that sounds.
You’re also Dazai’s Pavlov Bell when he seeks too much dangerous fulfilment from Fyodor. He acknowledges Fyodor’s danger so much that sometimes he sees the man as a sure method to accomplish a successful suicide.
When it’s Fyodor’s turn to be grounded back in reality from the high of losing himself in the rush of adrenaline from the thought of reckless murder, he becomes quieter. He only talks only if it’s to speak curtly or to snap.
Honestly, you have to be really emotionally intelligent and patient to be able to handle Dazai and Fyodor both at once.
This relationship to FYODOR is an instrument to identify his instincts when he is paired with two different personalities. Unlike Dazai, Fyodor has a long term vision and incorporates this relationship into it.
He adopts an analytical approach. Often it's you and/or Dazai who dominates the conversation and interaction.
He takes pleasure in observing how he's geared to respond to your advances and to Dazai’s unsavoury jokes.
He lives in his head more than he previously has but it's more bearable and comfortable inside with your presence (and Dazai's. But this he doesn't want to admit at all).
Old habits die hard, so Dazai sometimes slip into the habit of harming Fyodor. You often find yourself gaping frightened, moreso when blood is involved.
Fyodor’s palm is delicate with no coarseness present on Dazai’s, hence your agitation when Fyodor bled through his hand.
He treats himself as a test subject in his psychology laboratory of a mind. Whenever Dazai stresses him, harms him even, or when you stand in-between the men, he's most amused.
Fyodor cherishes his emotional reactions as "unique results" he can only obtain from Dazai and/or you.
𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗗𝘆𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗰
NO official labels. Nobody has asked anyone out nor discussed this. One day everyone just becomes a thing and it’s a consensus.
The mutual realisation that everyone in the relationship can bring out hidden sides of each other is the pillar that keeps the interaction ongoing.
It’s similar to friends with benefits except with no hookups. Just a deep understanding and the desire to stay with each other for a long time despite the odds everyone has against each other.
You have to be neutral to create distance between yourself and them, but doting to exhibit the unique character they like so much about you.
If you give the wrong impression of having a favourite, you can say goodbye to living. Whoever feels left off will turn your life into a survival game.
This is unfair since Fyodor and Dazai’s competitive nature sometimes decides to compete over you. You’re their prize, their muse, but also a rebound at their disposal.
Dazai and Fyodor have made a silent pact to never go too far in manipulating you to prioritise one of them. Since you’re caught in the middle of them and act as their lover, you’ll find them competing to win your attention.
Dazai’s character is to be physically all over you, he’ll never leave you alone for the peace of the mind. He’s very talkative that you won’t have time to listen to Fyodor or pay attention to anything else.
Fyodor knows he can’t beat Dazai when it comes to clinginess and being straightforward. So, he leaves his influence on your personal belongings instead.
You’ll often find your books rearranged the same way Fyodor does it, the Darjeeling tea in your mug you left this afternoon switched to a chamomile one, and Dazai’s shoes and clothes out of sight, so it’s just yours and Fyodor’s left.
And he’ll never bring it up ever. The tension of invading your traces of living just to give the message that he’s always with you gives him a thrill.
Sometimes he does it to pick a fight with Dazai.
Fyodor acts like he’s forced into this relationship with you and Dazai, but he’s the one who’s secretly the most invested. He has never felt fondness and now he’s romancing TWO people. He’s overwhelmed and is troubled to adapt to this feeling people call “smitten”.
The only way he relieves the stress is by sending weapons and poisons to Dazai and you. No chemicals are lethal enough to help with Dazai’s suicide though, because he’s smitten.
Mysterious packages arrive on your and Dazai’s doorstep in the first week of the relationship. You collect it in the back of your room as souvenirs since it’s Fyodor’s love language.
Dazai brings some to work because technically that’s a gift from (one of) his lover(s). He’ll tell you about everyone’s reactions after work every day.
“Atsushi-kun thought I decided to commit collective suicide with everyone when I unboxed the grenade from Fedya. You should’ve seen life draining from his eyes.” He snickers insensitively.
Fyodor is weirded out by Dazai’s positive reactions that the packages stop coming altogether.
Dazai doubles his flirts in public which catches eyes. He’ll cling an arm around you once or twice, bite your ear in a rabid dog kind of way, or pull your hair from behind.
Once in a team meeting, instead of referring to Fyodor as “Demon Fyodor” or “Dostoyevski” as usual, he said “The cunning Fedyenka”.
Nobody was familiar with Russian diminutives (except you, from having to hear it from Dazai until you’re sick of it). Everyone was confused with the name except Ranpo who doesn’t care. He just tells Dazai to be careful.
Dazai sends buckets of white chrysanthemums and lilies (funeral flowers) to you and Fyodor to patronise. Fyodor poisons his vase to spite him.
Fyodor found a cheap decent apartment to be a neutral ground, and Dazai smooth-talked (blackmailed?) the owner to rent it for cheap. Your role is to make sure no word about the 3 of you meeting up gets out at all. The communal apartment is like a break room for all 3 of you to meet up.
The apartment is used for Fyodor’s scheming, Dazai’s loitering, and your hobby space. 3 corners of the room are occupied by you all in silence. Sometimes Dazai and/or Fyodor fail to resist the urge to set up traps such as poison in tea and hidden needles.
You have no choice but to be the one to catch anyone in the act and remove all traps. You had to shut the electricity out one night because Fyodor and Dazai aggressively typed to hack each other.
If anyone has mutually available evenings, they meet up. If they just want to chill there to take a rest, enjoy the view, or escape the workload, they can come too.
The most frequent accidental meetups are between you and Fyodor. Kunikida often has Dazai on a leash so he can only come after the 9 - 5 work hour
There are two beds, a pantry, one small bathroom, and a veranda. One of the beds, big enough for 3 adults, becomes yours and Dazai’s since Fyodor insists he occupies the one bed alone.
To mark his territory, he hangs a rosary and a wooden cross above it, an Eastern-Greek Orthodox Bible on the nightstand.
“He’s exorcising us,” Dazai says to you. “And it’s working.”
𝗗𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗶𝗳𝗲
Domestic content is god tier and FyoZai makes it better. Quality time together for all 3 of you usually starts with one snarking at the other. Usually, it’s you vs Fyodor, with Dazai as your enabler.
Dazai knows the things you want from him (and Fyodor) and treats you the way he knows you want.
When Dazai’s head is on your lap, your fingers either on his hair or flicking his nose, Fyodor “reads” a book. Legs crossed, eyes on you and Dazai to observe. You and Dazai feel the weight of his stare and to retaliate, behave like an obnoxious couple usually found in public.
When Fyodor’s disgust peaks, Dazai nods at you as a signal for you to say:
“Care to join the party?”
"Or orgy," Dazai mumbles. You elbow him.
“Вы смущающее вид...” Fyodor mutters.
“What?”
“I said, lick a cactus for all I care.”
“No he didn’t,” Dazai whispers very loudly. “He said he’s too shy.”
Fyodor slams his book closed. “Дажай I swear to G—”
The cooking business is complicated, sometimes even flammable.
Fyodor nearly threw up eating Dazai’s soup. You were close to have a stomach ulcer from Fyodor’s congee, and Dazai almost broke the plate slicing your mutton.
Nobody uses the pantry anymore. The Chinatown has a lot of food anyways, which helps Fyodor’s cravings too.
You often force Fyodor to hack big restaurants to send takeout and if things go awry, you make Dazai pay for them.
"What do you do?" Fyodor confronts. Dazai nods, agreeing.
"I play the role of the model citizen so I can bail any of you out of jail if something happens."
Fyodor and Dazai look at each other for a second. "What makes you think we want to get broken out of jail?"
Fyodor would look like he choked on a soil-and-earthworm smoothie if Dazai touched any of his items. So, you often vandalise Fyodor’s hideout with a marker, writing “Dazai was here <3”
Eventually one day, Fyodor would tower over Dazai who sits on the shared larger bed. “Botched murals and name-calling I can tolerate. But this?” He slaps a sticky note on Dazai’s forehead.
Dazai reads it and laughs, collapsing on the bed. They found your “Fedya is a constipated bottom” note prank slipped between papers.
You grin at successfully framing Dazai for your mischief. Only Dazai calls him “Fedya”.
“You can argue your case for the ‘constipated’ part, I don’t care about your digestive system.” Dazai wipes his tears, getting up. “But you’ll need a lawyer to prove you can top me.”
“Are you a dullard? Your so-called Cyrillic is uglier than this. You’re letting yourself get framed for another’s crime.”
Fyodor points at you, and while they stare, you think of 100 creative ways to escape two criminals.
“I commend the effort.” Dazai shrugs. “It was an attempt.”
“You’re being uncharacteristically nice. Punishment is necessary.”
“Let (Y/N) dream. Don’t you want to argue the bottom allegation to me first?” He yanks Fyodor’s collar downwards. “Or are you a man who speaks through action?”
And that’s your cue to leave. Dazai will make sure Fyodor won’t bring this up to you, he’s such a good buddy.
[START OF NSFW MENTIONS] I know what you’re thinking of, wretched sinner, and I’m glad to disappoint. Dazai is very hesitant about earnest sexual activities and Fyodor is on the asexual spectrum (and a virgin).
So no threesomes. Fight me God all you want, it’s simply not happening. [END OF NSFW MENTIONS]
𓏸֢ . formatting this on mobile was like fighting gods angels. 2.6K wordcount
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