hi hua you inspire me really, i don’t know what else to say.
🔮 : although im unsure what prompted this, thank you. not to invalidate you but there are better role models out there who can help you go through this eternal school of life
im just merely someone who goes to tumblr to rant about how i want dazai to stop being a gary sue (and actually bite the dust) lol
Oh my god i thought you would never come back— I've been doing not too well admittedly, but it's not that bad. I'm glad you're doing alright!
🔮 : yeah i touched grass and it was en eye opening experience. jokes aside im still a BSD enjoyer although im not sure if i still have the Content Creator capacity
i hope youre going through your circumstances with valour, good spirit, and daringness! life is what we make it to be :) sometimes we have to step back and realize that the way we were moulded to do things is the only limitation stopping us from changing our life, because really, your mindset is what matters in the game here
Hello, I just wanted to say that I just found your Chuuya x reader comfort grieving scenario and it helped me greatly, I have a really hard time with the denial and accepting part of grieving and reading it allowed me to have a good needed cry, thank you a lot <3
🔮 : my pleasure dear. grief is a terribly tough emotion to process so I'm glad to be of service even just a little. sending strength to help you go through it
to be honest my affinity for BSD has never left but I have been Pondering and did a lot of soul searching to find my place in the adult world. This may impact my style of writing but regardless I still love writing, will just need some time to get back to it
i want asagiri to prove me wrong that dazai indeed can die and doesn't always have plot armour, and that fyodor can murder dazai ruthlessly in cold blood, but thats just my wishful thinking
It’s common sense for Odasaku that he has to take small, necessary steps steps for them to build up to a bigger pivoting change, and he wants to live up to that principle by proving to himself that good results do await at the end of the journey, no matter how painful the stones of this boulevard make his feet feel.
Teaching literature at a small local cram school, in a building hidden by its taller and brighter peers, isn’t what has been wearing down his body. It was the inhuman schedule he has to discipline himself into following. From early morning to sunset, he does the junk jobs no other rugged mafioso men in Port Mafia would do, and when the day ends, he has to rush to the cram school in town to teach literature (after making sure he doesn’t reek of gunpowder).
He was lucky they don’t run background checks on teachers as they’re short on talent. In fact, this was the only reason he could teach there. To live up to the luck and gratefulness, he fights the exhaustion weighting him down in the morning, and it was partly because he doesn’t have time to waste, though it’s also because the grade schoolers are so pleasant to teach that he forgets about what he goes through to stand on the podium in front of them. The salary isn’t much, but if he’s diligent about this just for a few more years, he build a decent experience to make a living without dependance on the mafia.
The students from his class were already dismissed and he just finished helping the student who wanted to consult about his homework with him. He could use a good glass of whiskey right now, drinking with Dazai and Ango at Lupin’s as usual, but he’s too exhausted to walk back to Port Mafia’s headquarters’ direction. The chilly night air of Yokohama greeted him at the exit. He took in a nice, heavy, breath, and released it with a long sigh, hand inside his pockets. For once, the folder under his arm doesn’t line out any illegal transactions but are about next week’s syllabus. It’s the fresh atmosphere like this that kept him going with this new routine for three months. He can handle this much.
Some students from his class walked pass him and waved goodbye at him with gratefulness on their faces. “Thank you for today, teacher.” They bowed.
“You’re welcome,” The corners of his lips twisted up in a smile, waving at the pair of boy and girl.
The front gate ahead was where the students chatted and gathered for a while for them to decide where they should go next. The arcade or straight back home? Hence, the area was a bit crowded.
“Can I talk to you, teacher? Just for a moment.” A student called from behind Odasaku.
“Of course,” He turns around to his student. He teaches a lot of them that he hasn’t memorized whose voice this one belongs to, although this one was very familiar. “What do you need–”
He was faced by your smile, the person leaning against the stone pillar, arms crossed while waiting for him.
“Evening, Odasaku.” You approached him. “How’s this new routine treating you? You must be more exhausted.”
“Apparently,” He sighed after taking in your surprise visit, rubbing the back of his neck. “But it’s bearable–and enjoyable. I kind of like doing this.”
“Of course you do. Teaching literature to high schoolers. That’s so you. Right?”
“Maybe,” He smiled slightly. “But what are you doing here?”
“To consult with you, teacher, what else?” You joked with the nickname. You looked around the area. Most students have left during your brief chat with Odasaku, leaving you and him with not many other people around. “Do you have time to spare?”
“Do you need anything from me?”
“Your company.” You stood in front of him, having to look up to the tall man. “So? Will you walk with me?”
Odasaku blinked, his usual accommodating expression on his face until he nodded. “Of course.”
Down the lane, Odasaku walked together with you in silence for the first few minutes. Your hands are inches away from brushing pinky fingers, but the distance was maintained and kept teasing for more contact.
“Dazai-san has found out ever since you started,” You broke the silence by revealing the answer to the question he hadn’t asked yet. “He was proud of you, and still is.”
“That makes it three months ago, huh,” Odasaku thumbed his chin. “Then why didn’t you nor he come earlier?”
“I can’t speak for Dazai-san since I don’t know the answer, and even if I do, I can’t talk about my superior in that manner.” You chuckled. “But I didn’t bring it up because first, you always look so exhausted every time we meet,” You flex out a finger to count “–and I didn’t want to stress you. And second, I like surprise visits.” You tilted your head mischievously to match the end of your answer. “Did I surprise you?”
Odasaku nodded, and to avoid your inquisitiveness that alerts him, he turns his sight back to the road in front of him, dimly lit by the lampposts around both of you. “In a good way though.” He admitted. “Did you really come all the way here just to see me?”
“I wanted to see with my own eyes how you’d fare in a normal society like this,” You confessed, putting your hands inside your warm pockets. “It’s a pleasant view, actually. Your students like you, and you seem to teach them well. You belong to this kind of routine and life.”
Odasaku stared at you, eyelids lifted. He felt encouraged. “You really think so?”
“You’re made to live a peaceful life, you don’t belong in a sombre environment like the mafia.” The words were heavy to be spoken. It was a smooth way of saying that you don’t deserve to be friends with someone as kind as him.
He weighed his options of whether to confess his plans to you or to stay quiet, keeping you in the dark about it. His eyes shifted to your face whose eyes were looking at the road ahead, not noticing the way he looked at you. He didn’t think he can handle the guilt of being dishonest about it. He decided that you deserve to know.
“I’ve made up my mind, actually.” Odasaku started. It gained your attention and you turned to him.
He confessed about the roadmap he drafted for this future, how he’s saving up as much as he can to gather enough money for him and his five children. He wanted to afford a deserving life for them, so he’s making the small steps of saving money to escape from Port Mafia and move somewhere else where it’s safer for the children, somewhere like Tokyo or Osaka, somewhere the Mafia doesn’t have the resources to blackmail him. He plans to secure a fulltime job as a literature teacher to earn stable wages. He came clean about it all without looking at you, as he never does well against guilt, while you didn’t know what expression to put on when he ended his talk.
After taking in a silent minute to process the flood of new information, you opened your mouth to speak softly. “You’re actually actively planning to escape?” You widened your eyes. “For good? With all of your children?”
Odasaku winced. Each word you spoke elaborated how much he had been hiding from you. “I should’ve told you and Dazai earlier.” He said. “I have no excuse. I’m sorry–”
“This is perfect!” You beamed up. Odasaku’s shoulders tensed. He didn’t expect this reaction, he thought you would be disappointed and betrayed about this sudden news of his future departure. “I’ve always feared that you would be too stagnant to make any real changes, but I’m relieved I was wrong.”
You were honest about your relief, you just didn’t confess everything you felt, about the disappointment of having Odasaku leaving you in several years. He was a good man and a good friend, the only light that shines in Port Mafia. You never regret dragging your drained body to the strayed, unlived bar in the alley years back in the night you first met him, although you never drink in your life.
He was sitting alone with his untouched whiskey with a face full of stories. His posture was burdened with confinement and hopelessness, yet he gleamed with authenticity and light. You were enchanted by how ambiguously welcoming he was, and made the first conversation.
You couldn’t picture a future without that light’s company, but you didn’t want that light to stay in the darkness either, because the darkness is forever while light is fated to fade out soon if it didn’t return to where it belongs.
So, you hold his shoulder firmly with an optimistic smile. Odasaku stopped walking midway too, looking at you in anticipation. The sensation of your grip on his shoulder was new to him.
“I’m very happy for you.” Your smile reached your eyes. You’re genuinely happy for him.
Odasaku smiled, his hand reaching up to touch yours on his shoulder. His palm was rough, but it was warm on your cold hand. “Thank you,” He smiled tenderly. “I mean it.”
Your smile doubled as you removed your hand from him. “This is the end of the time I’m borrowing from you.”
“Sorry?”
“Look at the other side of the road,” You gently pushed his shoulder so he’d turn forward to look at where you pointed.
At the other side of the crossroad, a young man in black, his right eye hidden under the bandages, stood and smiled at Odasaku, energetically waving at him and calling his name like a boy. Next to him was a taller and lean man, dressed neatly in a suit with gelled down hair, wearing circular glasses. Only then Odasaku realized that he and you stopped right underneath the traffic light that shone red, mingling with ordinary civilians who waited for the light to turn green. In this crowd, neither of you bore any significance.
“I took it upon myself to bring you to Dazai-san and Sakaguchi-kun.” You suppressed your laugh from the expression Odasaku made. Washed in red light, you can’t tell if he’s confused or surprised. Despite his manly appearance and age, he looks so innocent when dumbfounded like this. “It’s been a while since you drank with them, right?”
Odasaku turned at you. “You… were bringing me to them?”
“What’s wrong? Is there something you don’t like?”
“No, nothing, everything is perfect.” he shook his head. “I’m just grateful for you.”
You muffled your giggle to smooth out the tingles he made you feel. “Don’t mention it.” You patted his shoulder twice, turning on your heel to walk the other way, further from the crowd. “See you later,” You waved.
Odasaku watched your figure walk away before joining the crowd of pedestrians. He turned forward where he could see Dazai and Ango waiting for him. Ango was calm and collected as usual, while Dazai was being fidgety, impatient for Odasaku to cross the road and join him to make the group whole again.
Meanwhile, you sighed as you walk to the emptier side of road. Odasaku will leave in several years, you ought to plan some memorable activities to do with him so he can have a good memory of you when he departs. It would be good for your side too, you’d have pleasant memories to outmatch the bitter loneliness that is to come.
Your mind spiralled for ideas. You thought about taking Odasaku to a cat cafe where he can read novels while playing with cats, or to a Japanese-Italian fusion restaurant for a change of scenery, until somebody caught your hand from behind.
You swirled, fist ready to meet your intruder, but you froze when you see the man.
“Why are you here?” You asked Odasaku in pure confusion. “You’ll miss the green light.”
“I can’t leave yet when I haven’t spend proper time with you.” He answered, slightly panting.
You wondered if he ran to catch you here, you haven’t even walked far. You look back at the traffic light behind him. The red blinked green, and people made haste to cross the road while there’s still time.
“Would like to drink together?” Odasaku proposed. “Just for a moment.”
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