it's my life
accidental hijacking in tags...about a post about having to start over in life
turned into a post about my life and patterns. wow. illuminating.
i'm gonna put this under a read more because I think it's interesting but probably not to anyone else so your call!
twice it was nervous breakdowns/autistic burnout at age 30 and 50 also age 40 burnout coincided with a fire at my job and no I didn't start it so I got a new job /age 21 it was graduating from college and yes I did have a burnout because all my friends were still in school or moved/then I got a job in social services and burned out of that after a year and a half/after which I was a bookseller & a music seller for several years but I burned out because I got promoted beyond my nervous system capacity yes there is a pattern there didn'th realize I was autistic/add until around age 50 after which I was too disabled to work anymore also found out I have hashimoto's autoimmune thyroid disorder which makes you anxious and tired in loops and crazy mood swings and then diabetes then I had COVID and I lost a bunch of weight without trying and ended up anemic but i don't want to do tests to see if it is more serious because i'm tired and older and don't want to have treatment because i'd probably catch COVID and die of that and my only COVID infection before we had any warning was horrible and I mask when I go places ever since plus I probably have long COVID and other things which as I said I don't even want to know.
at age 55 my life also changed because one of my sisters had her own hashimoto's/autistic/add burnout and could only work part time from home but I had disability SSDI and a good landlord and could afford the rent (knock on wood...don't want to jinx myself) so she came to live with me and I pay rent and utilities and she pays for her food for her and her cat and clothes and other things she wants or needs mostly. now I am in my sixties and the world is crumbling around us and who knows what will happen. fun times all the time! future looks like death and/or homelessness of which I would prefer the former except my sister is several years younger and so I do try to stay alive so she has a place to stay but having treatment and catching COVID or other disease in hospital is where I draw a line...regular kidney failure preferred over death by COVID. and yes I have thought of having further tests and trying to stay alive longer but haven't convinced myself yet. and I feel like a selfish bitch of a sister which I am but i'm not life is complicated.
p.s. had a good chat with my sis and she actually is supportive of my decision to not do tests and treatment 'at my age' and also I had thought iI if I did decide on those,she would be the one to have to drive me to appointments and with her own health issues and energy deficits it would be really hard for her to do so and she could not take care of me if I am more impaired. tricky because I just read recently they've cut funding for hospice. to be clear,I am anemic and have diabetes and kidney disease but as far as I know i'm not near the end quite yet and hope to keep going as long as I get social security retirement checks and we have a place to live. knock knock knock on wood. yes,I am superstitious about being 'too positive'.
