DC Bike Rage

I bike to work. I am an angry dude.

[dc-bikerage]

“Man, I don’t care. I mean, there’s a lot of not caring going on up here. I cannot convey to you the profundity of the not caring. I mean, it’s really -- it’s a LOT of not caring.”

[dc-bikerage]

The unmitigated entitlement -- the unchecked selfishness -- of car drivers

[dc-bikerage]

Never trust anyone in a car.

[dc-bikerage]

Honored sir, I hereby grant you the full rights and privileges of the Holy Turn Signal. Go forth and use it for good. Or at least for better than ya been usin' it so far.

[dc-bikerage]

Eh hombre. Ask not for whom the light turns. 'Cause it sure as fuck don't turn for you.

as an SUV unwisely edges its way into a traffic circle after not making the green

[dc-bikerage]

LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oneeleven

My fellow bikepersons: “LEFT!!” is a command. It is not a statement. If you yell this while you are overtaking someone else, and they move to the left directly into your path, you have exactly one person to blame: yourself.

The thing you’re looking for is “On your left”, which is a full and clear statement of intent which anybody can grasp if you allow them a second or two to process it. If you can’t spare the wind for those extra two syllables, you need to slow the hell down because you’re about to drop dead anyway.

[dc-bikerage]

Just for one second -- try to pretend there's other people in the world.

[dc-bikerage]

Didn’t your mama teach you the difference between red and green?!

[dc-bikerage]

Ooooooo, homebread there thought he was gonna do somethin’ clever. Problem, homes, is you ain’t half as smart nor a quarter as fast as you think you are.

After a biker tried to pass me on the right, without warning, coming off a red light, heading into a busy sidewalk. I did not let him.

[dc-bikerage]

Shut your horn-hole. Nobody cares about your problems.

Usually they're honking at the car in front of them who is waiting on pedestrians to cross before making their right turn. What are they supposed to do, just run over them?

[dc-bikerage]

Tell me more about this fantasy universe where you actually fit in this lane.

[dc-bikerage]

Just stay put. When you see me rocketing away from you, at speeds you could never hope to attain, then you'll know it's no longer stupid to go.

[dc-bikerage]

Two seconds in the gears. This is karmic payback for making fun of the fixies, isn't it?

[dc-bikerage]

I love how there's all these bikers out on the road in their pretty little spandex pants, and their funny little fancy bikerman shoes, and they're all like YEAH GRRR I AM OUT HERE BECAUSE EXERCISE, but then they won't stop at any red lights because, y'know, too much work.

[dc-bikerage]

C'mon y'all, light's green! Time to getcher go on!

[dc-bikerage]

Oh, I see, so you got some kind of plan for getting through all these cars. Does it involve lighting fast reflexes, split second timing, and meticulous attention to detail? Does it perhaps involve a magic force field to make all the cars stop while you cross the street? Tell me, does it involve you having any idea what the fuck you’re doing at all?

[dc-bikerage]

Guy, you chose to buy a fixie. You chose to buy a children’s bicycle. You chose to buy a machine which cannot properly translate your power into speed. Now, simple laws of mechanics dictate that you must pay a price for your choice. And that price is: get your ass behind me.