Im Not Doing Ok

Need a place to vent that isnt followed by people i know irl General tw: suicidal ideation

[dead-or-unalive]

“I can’t do my job without my meds, but they take away my appetite entirely, I wish I could get myself to eat consistent meals so I wasn’t always so drained and constantly sick, but it’s hard to stay motivated to even try to eat more once I notice I’ve lost weight, even though I’m objectively being unhealthy and hurting my body and I feel absolutely miserable, because the idea that losing weight is inherently Good and fat is inherently Bad is so pervasive it’s hard not to internalize it”

United Healthcare in my email every day for some reason: Have you tried losing weight? Are you thinking about your weight? You should try losing weight! Here’s some resources for weight loss. Did you know losing weight is good for you? Here’s a scale! Weigh yourself every day. Track your weight. Are you thinking about weight loss? Check out these weight loss tips! We’re here to support your weight loss journey :) No your mental health provider isn’t covered.

[dead-or-unalive]

Do any other trans guys who haven’t been able to start T for one reason or another also feel like they’re caged in a child’s body? Like I know logically that obviously I’m an adult, my body is an adult body, my voice is an adult voice. But there is this persistent feeling that I didn’t ever finish “growing up”, my voice never stopped being a child’s voice, my body feels “underdeveloped”. In the mirror I don’t even see a “woman’s” body - I see what would happen if a 14 yr old had eyebags and wrinkles. If the body could age without ever maturing. I feel like Baby Doll from Batman the Animated Series.

[dead-or-unalive]

I truly believe making tags public ruined the culture of this website

[dead-or-unalive]

It is still ASTOUNDING to me how bsky users will actually just blindly follow blocklists made by random strangers? Like fr i just cannot imagine a worse system for a social media platform

[dead-or-unalive]

Fun fact: “Pepto-Bismol” is named that because. Its fucking O-bysmal

[dead-or-unalive]

I think before you post any kind of response to “discourse” on social media, you need to genuinely ask yourself: are you being The Goomba

[dead-or-unalive]

Would personally really like people to understand that when i say “this thing is annoying to me”, i dont actually mean “i think steps need to be taken to prevent anyone from ever doing this ever again”. Sometimes a complaint is just a statement of fact. Sometimes things can just be annoying without requiring corrective action

[dead-or-unalive]

So I do understand the usefulness of TMA/TME to talk about broad groups and their relationship to transmisogyny, but… i do not understand the argument that asking if an individual nonbinary person is TME is not also asking their AGAB? Cause while yes, TME does also include cis men, and it would be wrong to say that referencing TME people in general means youre only talking about people who are AFAB, if youre asking someone that you already know is trans or nonbinary, then whether they are TME does hinge on their AGAB doesn’t it? Or can someone to be nonbinary and AMAB and still be TME?

[dead-or-unalive]

Ppl on here are far too comfortable assuming that any mention of “men” is referring to cis men specifically. Like, sure, i will see people say “trans men are men”, but for some reason those same people never seem to extend that line of thinking to “saying ‘men’ also refers to trans men” or “this post talking about a man could be about a trans man”, except to invalidate or dismiss our experiences as being functionally identical to cis mens

[dead-or-unalive]

Still mind boggling to me to know someone who is mentally ill to the point that they’re disabled, and hear them basically say “just because [person] is autistic doesnt mean they cant know basic social skills 🙄” like??? Really??? They say so much all the time that boils down to “im the only one who can be disabled by my mental state - anyone else struggling with something due to mental illness/neurodivergence is lying and trying to gaslight me”

(The context was [person] not understanding that when this friend was asked if they wanted to do something and said yes, they were just saying that to be polite, and we shouldve intuited that they actually hated that plan and wanted to do something else)

[dead-or-unalive]

The idea of “just because a character is butch doesnt mean they have to be trans” feels a lot like the “just because a character is butch doesnt mean they have to be a lesbian” argument, where it only makes sense in a world with way more existing representation than there actually is

[dead-or-unalive]

idek what else to say, if you think trans men dont have a place in discussions of transfeminism, you have lost the plot. Like, saying “transfeminism should center trans women and combating transmisogyny” and saying “trans men shouldnt have an opinion” are not the same thing. And i think that people really severely overestimate the extent to which trans men are supported in general if they think that saying stuff like that is totally harmless, or that trans men dont have issues worthy of discussing in the context of transfeminism.

[genderkoolaid]

I tried reading male feminists to get a handle on my new role. It didn’t work. All of them wrote as cis men, for cis men, with a kind of camp-counselor condescension: Hey, buddies, it hurts to hear this, but given that we’re unambiguously privileged by patriarchy and always have been, we owe it to our wives and mothers to give the ladies a hand. The idea that I had always occupied a privileged position within patriarchy was, frankly, untrue; nor did it seem to me that a trans person was any less gender-marginalized than your average cis woman. What privilege I had was conditional, and these books were no guide. Men who wanted to “forge a positive masculinity” (and everyone was very clear that I needed one of those) were encouraged to get in touch with their “feminine sides.” Maybe that was healthy for cis guys, but I had been forced to do feminine things, and present in feminine ways, for the entirety of my young life. Whatever liberation I had achieved came from giving myself permission to stop.

— Eraserhead: On writer's block and being a gender traitor by Jude Doyle

[genderkoolaid]

this feels particularly relevant given recent events regarding a cis man talking down to transmascs about their relationship to male privilege

[dead-or-unalive]

Over my many years on this website, ive noticed a pattern in “queer discourse” that seems never ending:

- a niche community makes its own terminology to describe experiences shared within that community

- some people outside that community assume that the new terms are not due to problems with existing terminology, but were actually made out of a desire for that community to “feel special”

- people who use the new terminology are stereotyped as “privileged whiny snowflakes” who “just want to feel oppressed”

- actual discussion/critique of the terminology is buried under a million posts just making fun of the community overall

It happened with asexuality, with nonbinary gender and sexual identities, with bi/pansexuality, and a lot of the posts i see now about “transandrophobia” seem to fit the same pattern

[forcefemme-vigilante]

I wish anyone else were ready for the "Fat women are violently degendered and therefore are subject to a heightened intersection of misogyny and fat-phobia that is socially comparable (and compounds with) other intersectional oppressions (such as misogynoir and transmisogyny)" discussion.

[feeshies]

Guys I’m going to make a hot take

[feeshies]

The whole “I wish I could be with a woman, but instead I’m stuck with my stupid, gross husband/boyfriend” sentiment I see repeated in bi circles is just the “progressive” queer version of the boomer “I hate my wife” jokes

[cumaeansibyl]

if he’s stupid and gross you should leave him and if he isn’t you’re just being cruel for internet points and he should leave you

[forcefemme-vigilante]

gee i wonder if there’s some institutional pressure that women face that leads them to engage in heterosexuality compulsarily. Like maybe there’s some sort of societal structure at play that’s compelling women to act in accordance with heterosexual social standards. I wonder if there’s a material reason that a woman might maintain a romantic or sexual arrangement with a man she does not like that doesn’t hinge on her being an irrational bitch. Probably not though. Women are stupid cunts who only act out of ignorance and cruelty.

[dead-or-unalive]

Where in this post is anyone saying women are irrational or ignorant or that comphet isnt real? If anything I think the trend of “i hate my stupid gross husband/boyfriend” jokes in bi spaces would exacerbate comphet feelings, because it promotes the idea of hating your male partner as a normal part of het relationships, and not as a problem that the woman does not need to put up with.

[forcefemme-vigilante]

I know object permanance is hard for you, but there’s words above the ones you just read and oftentimes they’re related to eachother in some way.

[dead-or-unalive]

Alright. Instead of being so condescending, consider that my understanding of those words was not the same as yours. I understood the reblog above yours as “If you do not like being with your partner you should not be with them, if you do like being with them then its mean to belittle them online”. That is the only mention of cruelty - someone insulting their partner who they do actually like when that partner hasnt done anything wrong. I do not see that or the original post as saying that there is no reason a woman could ever feel stuck in a relationship with a man other than being “irrational”. It sounds like you think the issue in the original post was with a woman thinking “i wish i could be with a woman instead of a man”, instead of with the woman calling her partner stupid and gross.

[forcefemme-vigilante]

I was mean to you because it’s really not worth my time to honestly try and give you people an understanding of any analytical framework outside of libertarian individualism. You’re the center of your own world and the greatest injustice of society is that someone might not care about your hurt feelings. But I missed therapy today, so if you really want my opinion, then here; This post and the phenomenon it describes is the direct material result of reactionary queer tribalism and empire-building expressed in two ways; first and foremost is the bisexual community’s vested interest in claiming ownership over women at any stage of compulsory heterosexuality. E.g. women who are only attracted to fictional or hyper idealized icons of manhood are frequently painted as ‘bisexual’ when their iconoclastic attraction is the result of patriarchal pressure and wouldn’t be present in it’s absence. This attitude coincides with the societal preference for patriarchy-compatible expressions of queerness like bisexuality; women are socially and materially encouraged to maintain attraction to men, even if that attraction is only held for universally appealing iconoclastic images of manhood. The bisexual community engages in social imperialism by claiming ownership over anything but the most strictly defined gender-sex dynamics and arguing that any discussion of material factors of attraction, especially woman->man attraction, is bigotry against themselves. This reactionary shut-down of any structural feminist or lesbian critique that throws into question the voluntary nature of attraction is the second major expression of reactionary queer tribalism. These two positionalities *are* the actual issue; while this post offers a critique of this problem that hinges on ‘women who complain about men’ as vacuously cruel. We have a word for analysis that relies on women being shitty for no reason; misogyny.

[dead-or-unalive]

I think youre are talking about a much larger issue. I agree that people should be able to talk about compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory bisexuality without it being automatically labeled as biphobia. In a fandom context, people shouldnt treat headcanoning a canonically bi character as a lesbian as “biphobic”. People shouldnt say shit like “everyones at least a little bisexual”. People take womens attraction to men as a given without considering the pressure to conform to heterosexuality, ive seen people act like the idea of “compulsory bisexuality” is a ridiculous joke, because “no one is pressured to be any kind of queer”, and i think thats bullshit - it can absolutely happen where a woman could recognize that she’s attracted to women but fail to recognize that shes not attracted to men because a lifetime of conditioning makes that the assumption, its totally discouraged to analyze that assumption, and it’s socially easier to be in a relationship with a man even if you know you like women. I personally grappled with this back when I thought I was a woman and was trying to untangle my feelings around gender and sexuality, and the idea of “all bi women love women irl but only love fictional men lol” was unhelpful to constantly encounter

I understood this post as specifically in response to the trend here on tumblr (idk if its as common anymore since i dont see it much, but was more common on here years ago) of bi women being expected to hate and denigrate their attraction to men or else be told they weren’t actually queer enough to “count” as wlw, but also having this site be the only space those women had to express their attraction to other women, so not wanting to leave and have to deny their queerness somewhere else. So women who are bi, who are actually attracted to both women and men, feeling pressured online to go “i know men are gross icky disgusting and we all hate them and i hate that im attracted to them since women are universally Better” or else be told they werent actually queer, and then that phenomenon fostering a community where you could get easy social approval by joking about how much you disliked your male partner and putting wlw relationships on a pedestal. That is the specific context where these jokes feel like boomer “i hate my wife” jokes - predominantly-queer very-online spaces like tumblr where the jokes are being made for approval from internet strangers who think lesbian relationships are morally superior, not someone expressing a genuine sentiment about a relationship they feel stuck with.

I dont think this type of complaining is a real issue outside of very niche online spaces, or that there is no valid reason for a woman to think “i wish i could be with a woman but im stuck with a man im not attracted to”, that is a broader social issue that i do think should be discussed more! The original post is worded pretty broadly, so I see now how it could come across as “women complain about men for no reason” to someone who isnt viewing it through that same lens of “a specific culture of ‘terminally online’ queer tumblr users”, but I dont think that was the intention.

[forcefemme-vigilante]

See part of my critique is that these myopic terminally-online positionalities lead to overall reactionary worldviews. That’s why i think this sort of reactionary kvetching should be shut down; it breeds resentment and tribalism and all the shit that takes a dude from “angry about women being mean online” to “materially invested in the oppression of women.” It’s also emblematic of the very thing it originally claims to oppose; picking on easy targets for internet clout.

[dead-or-unalive]

Yeah I think I see your point there - like, sure “complaining about your partner for Internet approval” is a thing that can happen, but if someone sees a woman complaining about her male partner and the assumption is “she’s probably just saying it for attention”, thats a problem that plays right into existing misogynistic bias and doesnt help anyone, and shuts down discussion

[feeshies]

Guys I’m going to make a hot take

[feeshies]

The whole “I wish I could be with a woman, but instead I’m stuck with my stupid, gross husband/boyfriend” sentiment I see repeated in bi circles is just the “progressive” queer version of the boomer “I hate my wife” jokes

[cumaeansibyl]

if he’s stupid and gross you should leave him and if he isn’t you’re just being cruel for internet points and he should leave you

[forcefemme-vigilante]

gee i wonder if there’s some institutional pressure that women face that leads them to engage in heterosexuality compulsarily. Like maybe there’s some sort of societal structure at play that’s compelling women to act in accordance with heterosexual social standards. I wonder if there’s a material reason that a woman might maintain a romantic or sexual arrangement with a man she does not like that doesn’t hinge on her being an irrational bitch. Probably not though. Women are stupid cunts who only act out of ignorance and cruelty.

[dead-or-unalive]

Where in this post is anyone saying women are irrational or ignorant or that comphet isnt real? If anything I think the trend of “i hate my stupid gross husband/boyfriend” jokes in bi spaces would exacerbate comphet feelings, because it promotes the idea of hating your male partner as a normal part of het relationships, and not as a problem that the woman does not need to put up with.

[forcefemme-vigilante]

I know object permanance is hard for you, but there’s words above the ones you just read and oftentimes they’re related to eachother in some way.

[dead-or-unalive]

Alright. Instead of being so condescending, consider that my understanding of those words was not the same as yours. I understood the reblog above yours as “If you do not like being with your partner you should not be with them, if you do like being with them then its mean to belittle them online”. That is the only mention of cruelty - someone insulting their partner who they do actually like when that partner hasnt done anything wrong. I do not see that or the original post as saying that there is no reason a woman could ever feel stuck in a relationship with a man other than being “irrational”. It sounds like you think the issue in the original post was with a woman thinking “i wish i could be with a woman instead of a man”, instead of with the woman calling her partner stupid and gross.

[forcefemme-vigilante]

I was mean to you because it’s really not worth my time to honestly try and give you people an understanding of any analytical framework outside of libertarian individualism. You’re the center of your own world and the greatest injustice of society is that someone might not care about your hurt feelings. But I missed therapy today, so if you really want my opinion, then here; This post and the phenomenon it describes is the direct material result of reactionary queer tribalism and empire-building expressed in two ways; first and foremost is the bisexual community’s vested interest in claiming ownership over women at any stage of compulsory heterosexuality. E.g. women who are only attracted to fictional or hyper idealized icons of manhood are frequently painted as ‘bisexual’ when their iconoclastic attraction is the result of patriarchal pressure and wouldn’t be present in it’s absence. This attitude coincides with the societal preference for patriarchy-compatible expressions of queerness like bisexuality; women are socially and materially encouraged to maintain attraction to men, even if that attraction is only held for universally appealing iconoclastic images of manhood. The bisexual community engages in social imperialism by claiming ownership over anything but the most strictly defined gender-sex dynamics and arguing that any discussion of material factors of attraction, especially woman->man attraction, is bigotry against themselves. This reactionary shut-down of any structural feminist or lesbian critique that throws into question the voluntary nature of attraction is the second major expression of reactionary queer tribalism. These two positionalities *are* the actual issue; while this post offers a critique of this problem that hinges on 'women who complain about men’ as vacuously cruel. We have a word for analysis that relies on women being shitty for no reason; misogyny.

[dead-or-unalive]

I think youre are talking about a much larger issue. I agree that people should be able to talk about compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory bisexuality without it being automatically labeled as biphobia. In a fandom context, people shouldnt treat headcanoning a canonically bi character as a lesbian as “biphobic”. People shouldnt say shit like “everyones at least a little bisexual”. People take womens attraction to men as a given without considering the pressure to conform to heterosexuality, ive seen people act like the idea of “compulsory bisexuality” is a ridiculous joke, because “no one is pressured to be any kind of queer”, and i think thats bullshit - it can absolutely happen where a woman could recognize that she’s attracted to women but fail to recognize that shes not attracted to men because a lifetime of conditioning makes that the assumption, its totally discouraged to analyze that assumption, and it’s socially easier to be in a relationship with a man even if you know you like women. I personally grappled with this back when I thought I was a woman and was trying to untangle my feelings around gender and sexuality, and the idea of “all bi women love women irl but only love fictional men lol” was unhelpful to constantly encounter

I understood this post as specifically in response to the trend here on tumblr (idk if its as common anymore since i dont see it much, but was more common on here years ago) of bi women being expected to hate and denigrate their attraction to men or else be told they weren’t actually queer enough to “count” as wlw, but also having this site be the only space those women had to express their attraction to other women, so not wanting to leave and have to deny their queerness somewhere else. So women who are bi, who are actually attracted to both women and men, feeling pressured online to go “i know men are gross icky disgusting and we all hate them and i hate that im attracted to them since women are universally Better” or else be told they werent actually queer, and then that phenomenon fostering a community where you could get easy social approval by joking about how much you disliked your male partner and putting wlw relationships on a pedestal. That is the specific context where these jokes feel like boomer “i hate my wife” jokes - predominantly-queer very-online spaces like tumblr where the jokes are being made for approval from internet strangers who think lesbian relationships are morally superior, not someone expressing a genuine sentiment about a relationship they feel stuck with.

I dont think this type of complaining is a real issue outside of very niche online spaces, or that there is no valid reason for a woman to think “i wish i could be with a woman but im stuck with a man im not attracted to”, that is a broader social issue that i do think should be discussed more! The original post is worded pretty broadly, so I see now how it could come across as “women complain about men for no reason” to someone who isnt viewing it through that same lens of “a specific culture of ‘terminally online’ queer tumblr users”, but I dont think that was the intention.