[deadgreaterthancool]

Backreading and realizing just how down bad I was for someone, from high school, through college, and maybe even until now. What do you mean I still keep dreaming about this person?

Disclaimer: I was jejemon back then. Also, yes, this was the part where I found out she was actually jealous of ******… so I distanced myself from ******. Yung next sa last convo nag unlitext ako biglaaa 😭

[deadgreaterthancool]

Happy Birthday, KM.

S

[deadgreaterthancool]

idk what to feel

Should I answer every text she sends? Should I accept her invitation and see her again after 6–7 years, in the same place we used to go to? Should I let her back into my life without even knowing who she is now, or how her life with her partner has been? And honestly, I’m scared. Scared that she’ll see I still haven’t made it in life. That I’m still the same person.someone who never really learned how to fly high. I’m too scared to ask about her. About everything. I keep delaying my replies because part of me is cautious that I am slowly letting her back into my life before I even realize it. She’s good with words. She knows all my weak spots. She’s always been smart. I’m scared to feel so small again. Scared to be her secret again.

[deadgreaterthancool]

different pages

I wanted to greet you on your birthdays, but as the days and years pass by, I’ve come to realize that this silence between us is better. No PMs or DMs, no messages or secret emails. I’ve learned to miss you, to long for you in silence. Because there’s no point in making a move. At the end of the day, I can’t do anything about us. I am just like this, someone who stays grounded, who doesn’t fly too high. And you? You love achieving things. It’s not that I pity myself or feel bad about it, but it’s hard for us to be on the same page. You were always in a hurry, while I move through life gradually. I just go with the flow. You live by yolo and here I am, simply drifting, waiting for my last breath.

[deadgreaterthancool]

hru

I thought I had enough courage to finally end everything with my last post, but here I am, still holding on. I had a consultation four days ago. I don’t know if it’s a waste of money or if it could help me gradually. Anyway, I know you won’t be able to read this, but here’s a song I’ve been playing on repeat since yesterday, and it reminded me of you.

[deadgreaterthancool]

Good night, Karl M.

[deadgreaterthancool]

I miss you sometimes but

My longing for you is getting a little less as time passes by and that’s a good sign

[deadgreaterthancool]

Merry Christmas, Karl Marx.

[deadgreaterthancool]

Balik nanaman kami sa ganito, sana di na lang ako magising.

[deadgreaterthancool]

Mas lalong lumulungkot habang papalapit ang pasko.

[deadgreaterthancool]

I don't know how to express how much I wanted to end my life.

[deadgreaterthancool]

Ang hinihintay ko lang naman pagkamatay ko, bakit malapit nanaman mag birthday

[deadgreaterthancool]

so why am i still here if my life is not worth fighting for

[deadgreaterthancool]

now I'm lost to what's right or wrong

[clarencerae]

sobrang hassle kasi sa sobrang lungkot ko, ayoko na magstatus na parang kailangan may makiramay sa’kin. na kailangan may kumausap. nakakainis kasi parang naiinggit na lang ako sa iba na may dumaramay sa mga problema nila pero ako kasi di ko alam kung ano pinagdadaanan ko at ramdam ko na hindi naman ako dapat pagtuunan ng pansin dahil wala naman akong problema ata talaga, eto lang, pagkatao ko lang. sobrang toxic ko, poisonous ganyan, ‘di ko na alam.

ang nakakainis pa: ang kabaligtaran no’n ang gusto ko. na hindi ko gusto. ang gulo. na parang kailangan gusto ko maglabas at may lumapit sa’kin para dumamay, ‘yung talagang lumapit, hindi ‘yung superficial lang ang lahat. kulang na kulang na ako sa human intimacy. buong buhay ko na lang. siguro dahil dineprive ko lang rin ang sarili ko. pero nakakainis na ‘yung point na parang walang may pakielam. sobrang ‘di ko na alam.

[clarencerae]

sobrang hassle kasi sa sobrang lungkot ko, ayoko na magstatus na parang kailangan may makiramay sa’kin. na kailangan may kumausap. nakakainis kasi parang naiinggit na lang ako sa iba na may dumaramay sa mga problema nila pero ako kasi di ko alam kung ano pinagdadaanan ko at ramdam ko na hindi naman ako dapat pagtuunan ng pansin dahil wala naman akong problema ata talaga, eto lang, pagkatao ko lang. sobrang toxic ko, poisonous ganyan, ‘di ko na alam.

ang nakakainis pa: ang kabaligtaran no’n ang gusto ko. na hindi ko gusto. ang gulo. na parang kailangan gusto ko maglabas at may lumapit sa’kin para dumamay, ‘yung talagang lumapit, hindi ‘yung superficial lang ang lahat. kulang na kulang na ako sa human intimacy. buong buhay ko na lang. siguro dahil dineprive ko lang rin ang sarili ko. pero nakakainis na ‘yung point na parang walang may pakielam. sobrang ‘di ko na alam.

[deadgreaterthancool]

Okay naman sa akin na naaappreciate nila yung changes ko (physically) ngayon h’wag lang nila sana dinadagdagan ng "kailan ka ba mag bo-boyfriend?" "wala pa ba talaga?"