Inner Monolgoue of the Heartbroken

Why am I still in love with you?

[deadinsidesince23]

We only dated for 11 months, but I still think of you regularly 8 years later…

[deadinsidesince23]

I had to let her go, but I was never able to really let her go.

[deadinsidesince23]

Perpetually heartbroken

[lettersfrom-s]

Was there anything I could’ve done that would’ve made a difference?

Would you have stayed?

— Letters from S

[deadinsidesince23]

My heart was stolen by a beautiful woman 5 years ago, and I haven’t been able to love anybody else since.

[deadinsidesince23]

I hate myself for losing you.

[deadinsidesince23]

What are you so afraid of?

Is it love,

Or wasting your time?

[deadinsidesince23]

I had a dream about you last night. You came back. We were so happy. We got married. We made love, and we laughed together. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself look so happy. And now I’m awake and I’m sad again. Why would my mind do this to me?

[deadinsidesince23]

Something’s been missing ever since you left

A piece of my heart was taken

No matter how hard I try I can’t fill the void

You were supposed to stay forever

[deadinsidesince23]

I just want to feel you in my bed

On my chest I want to feel you rest your head

I want to hold your hand

I want to kiss your lips

I wasn’t prepared for a love like this

I miss you

[deadinsidesince23]

I would love you forever if you’d let me.

I already do.

[deadinsidesince23]

When I think back to how things used to be I just see the good parts. I’m fully aware of the bad, but I only have flashbacks of the good. The first time I picked you up. Our first kiss. The first time you whispered that you loved me, but acted like you didn’t until I said it back. Laying in bed together talking all night long. All the stupid shit we used to do. Your smile. Your laugh. I’d never felt a love like that before. I’d never had that sort of connection with somebody. I don’t think I’m able to feel that with anybody else now. That love was such a beautiful thing that it ruined me. I’m still picking up the pieces of my broken heart nearly 5 years later. Unable to fill that void that’s been left. I wonder if you feel it, too?

[deadinsidesince23]

I still think about you all the time. I even write down my thoughts thinking one day I’ll have written the perfect thing to send to you. Something that will make you want to come back into my life. But then reality sets in and I realize you don’t care about me anymore. Otherwise you’d have never left. And I’m still here wondering why I can’t let you go.

[deadinsidesince23]

I cried while I was driving home from work today. I was thinking about you when a sad song came on and I came to the realization that I’ll never experience a love like that again.

[deadinsidesince23]

It’s been 4 or 5 years

I don’t really recall

I was such a mess for so long

I’m still a mess

But I’m finally finding myself

Finding creative outlets

Exploring personal growth

Doing everything I can

To help better myself

To make me into a person

That you could have loved

[deadinsidesince23]

These late night thoughts consume me

A yearning I never thought possible

I miss you so

And you don’t care

I wish I could let go

You probably wish you’d never met me

[deadinsidesince23]

We did a lot of drugs together. They helped to create the deepest connection I’ve ever felt with somebody else, but they were also the catalyst to our end. I went through a brief period of psychosis which led to a spiritual awakening. You were already gone before the awakening occurred. The psychosis made me paranoid, jealous, and controlling, so I understand why you left. The heartbreak and awakening made me realize the faults in my ways. I cried every day for 6 months straight. It’s been around 4-5 years now and I still cry over you on occasion. I’m clean and sober for the most part now. I only drink periodically. I do psychedelics on occasion but not as often as I used to. I don’t do harder drugs anymore. Haven’t in years. I don’t even smoke weed anymore. I still miss you every day. I think about you every day. I don’t know how to make it stop, and I can’t love anyone else as much as I love you. I’ve tried. You were so kind, loving, generous, sympathetic. I ruined everything and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. I understand why you want nothing to do with me now. It’s hard to believe people can change from how they used to be. If you ever see this just know that I am truly sorry. And that I’ll never stop loving you.