I started this blog in December 2022 to share my writing.
I am a part of many fandoms, some more than others, and I'm more than happy to chat about these fandoms.
In love with Sam Winchester.
I enjoy going to conventions and am slowly meeting more of my favourite actors.
My Writing
📝 Here is my Main Masterlist. This is where you will find links to my fandom specific masterlists.
I mostly write x-reader one-shots and drabbles.
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Thank you for the tag @marvelfanfn2187a113, haven't done one of these or been active in ages.
10 people I'd like to get to know
Last song: maggots for brains by Olivia Rodrigo
Currently watching: Off Campus
Current obsessions: Formula 1, Charles Leclerc
Currently reading: I have a lot of books started as I've been in a slump, but most recently read a few chapters of Love In The Fast Lane by Laura Greaves.
Currently working on: Not much, I have an idea based on something Charles Leclerc said in an interview but can't decide what character to use it for.
Also lowkey thinking of leaning into fanfiction with no inserts but no idea where to start.
Imagine kissing Eddie to keep him quiet in the Upside Down…
It looked exactly as you remembered, dark, unsettling and wrong. Granted you didn’t spend much time in the Upside Down but one encounter was enough.
As you ventured with Steve, Nancy, and Robin through the forest in search of a way out, the leader of the Hellfire Club was growing more agitated. Eddie was jumpy and naturally, he had questions which were answered in fairly light detail. It was fine until his voice began to grow louder the longer he spoke.
Had you been on safer lands it would have been fine but here - it was too risky.
Putting a hand on his shoulder, you paused with Eddie and tried to get him to lock eyes with you. "Hey, look at me." Maybe it would be enough to distract him from the awful lurking around. “We’re going to get out, okay? But I really need to you to try being calm.”
Eddie’s eyes snapped to yours. “Calm?” He repeated and laughed unconvincingly. “How am I supposed to be calm when there are crazy bat demons and psychic vines all over the place. Not to mention all the weird and scary shit that Harring- mmphf!”
The panicked voice was silenced when you slammed your lips over his. You felt Eddie’s body stiffen - so did you. Why did you feel the need to kiss him when you could have clamped your hand over his mouth? It would have been just as effective.
But in a surprising turn of events, Eddie relaxed and melted into the kiss. The Upside Down lightning cracked across the sky in a blaze of red followed by its booming thunder and you came back to reality. You opened your eyes and pulled away, taking a step back to create some space. You knew that there was an audience a few paces away but you could barely give them a moments thought with the boy before you.
Eddie hummed. You glanced at him. He usually had more words to say. “That bad?” you asked wishing that you hadn't.
Eddie shook his head which was a relief. “I just imagined you doing that under different circumstances.” You blinked at him and he began to elaborate with nervous speed. “Like at a Hellfire campaign. I’d get too intense and you’d- you know, kiss sense into me. Sorry, I don't know why I told you that."
You leaned forward slightly - to tell him that you felt the same or to kiss him again - you weren't entirely sure. But before anything could take flight, there was a light snapping of twigs. Breaking away to look at your friends, you saw Nancy and Robin signaling that they found something while Steve approached.
"You're needed." He said simply. With some reluctance, you walked away from Eddie as Steve took his side, unsure of what he had interrupted.
"Everything okay, man?" Steve asked.
Eddie watched you join the group in front and sighed. "I've been head over heels for so long and I- I think I just confessed my feelings in a literal hellscape." He said. "That's usually a bad omen, right?"
Thunder boomed again and Steve pat his new friend on the back. "I'm sure it's fine. Let's get going."
thank you ao3 for being an archive and not an algorithm. thank you for letting me like things without consequences, thank you for being free with no ads, thank you for having lawyers to defend our freedom of speech. thank you tag wranglers. thank you to all authors and thank you ao3
Ik your mainly doing Eddie fics rn 😭 but what about Henderson reader who dated Eddie and has grieved him and Dustin finds her and Steve kissing you and loses his shit could do whatever you wany from there tyyy (:
I HAD TO DROP EVERYTHING I WAS DOING WHEN I SAW THIS OMG
summary: moving on happens very differently for people… and sometimes not at all.
warnings: language, angst, grief, all stages of grief, moving on, not really a happy ending
“it wouldn’t have hit you so hard,” steve had once said, “if you didn’t know and love eddie as a friend first. that if you had just been dating some guy for six months, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.”
solace • steve harrington
steve x reader / eddie x reader
around three am on the day of the funeral, you heard your door open. you hadn’t been sleeping. dustin knew you hadn’t slept in days, just like him. ever since it happened, you just lay there. blankly staring at the ceiling, numb, bitter, broken and wishing you would hurry up and wake up from this sick dream.
dustin stood at the end of your bed and you flipped on your lamp. your lost expression was mirrored on his face. you said nothing to each other, just stared, too numb to speak, too exhausted and stretched thin to cry anymore. you pulled the covers back and dustin climbed in bed beside you. this was something he hadn’t done since he was eight— after a nightmare or after watching a scary movie you had warned him not to. and then his arms were around you, curling into you and clinging onto you like he still believed you could make everything better.
the tears started again; which was odd, because you had sworn you ran out days ago. screaming and crying into your pillow until your throat bled and you were gasping for air would do that to you… make you numb. make you break completely… dustin clung to you and you clung to him, as if you were the only things keeping each other from shattering completely.
“i miss him so much…”
“i know.”
god, you knew. eddie had been your best friend long before he was your boyfriend, and now you had lost both. dustin was the only person that loved eddie even a fraction as much as you did and your heart broke even further, for him.
“i don’t want to go. i don’t think i can look at wayne again… i don’t want to think about it. i don’t want to hear any of it… i just– i just want…”
him.
you knew…
“dustin, you have to go. i can’t do it by myself. i can’t… i haven’t seen wayne since— and… fuck, i’m going to take one look at him and i’m going to come apart completely…”
you should have been there. you should have gone over to check on him more than you did… you should all be grieving together…
you shouldn’t be grieving at all.
———
one month had passed and things started to get lighter. not yet bearable. not easier. just lighter. barely. you could take deep breaths without it hurting, you could wake up in the morning without feeling like you were sinking or being pushed down into the earth…
but sometimes it would hit you.
his body had not been brought back to hawkins.
you had seen it.
dustin had seen it…
steve harrington had to pick you up and drag you away from him, while you screamed and cried and likely broke a few of steve’s ribs trying to fight him and begging him to let you go.
steve was at your house again today.
you weren’t sure why…
he had barely left you and dustin’s side. he forced you to eat, he brought things over several times a day. and eventually he was the one dragging you out of bed and making himself the target of your screams and cries and protests and a few decent punches, days you couldn’t even bring yourself to show up for dustin.
dustin was worse.
while you shut down, dustin got angry.
and angrier.
and angrier…
and today, as you stared at the letter in your hand. it was from wayne munson. the name alone had you nearly collapsing to the ground once again.
“shit—“
dustin snatched the letter from you as if that would make it so you didn’t see it.
“what does it say?”
you lay on the couch, dustin holding your hand and looking at steve expectantly.
“he hopes you’re doing okay. he really misses you… he— nothing… he just hopes you’re okay. he would love to see you…”
dustin mumbled something about a stupid question but you narrowed your eyes, “steve… what else does it say?”
steve snatched the letter away from you, “nothing else!”
dustin nearly climbed steve to snatch the letter, holding it open and staring at it with tearful eyes, “son of a bitch…”
you glanced up, stomach dropping.
“he says he has some things for you…”
“i don’t want it.”
you could never step foot in that trailer again. not without the bone crushing greeting hug that almost knocked you off your feet. not without the laughter you could hear from outside. not without the metal album’s playing so loudly that the bass vibrated the entire trailer… not without him.
“don’t say that… you’ll want it. you know you’ll want it…”
“steve, i can’t do this right now.”
“i’m never stepping foot in there again. i can’t… i don’t think i can see wayne, i–“
“i’ll go get it for you. if you want it.”
————
the bad days, you would sit in one of his old t-shirts and listen to corroded coffin and cry. the really bad days, you wouldn’t get out of bed. they would hit dustin too. he would silently come to you and sit with you, sometimes through the night and until morning. “it wouldn’t have hit you so hard,” steve had once said, “if you didn’t know and love eddie as a friend first. that if you had just been dating any guy for six months, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.”
you were starting to hate when steve was right.
———
on the most unbearable day so far, steve sat at the end of your bed, trying to get you to eat. eddie’s birthday.
“he wouldn’t want this for you.”
“steve, please—“
“he would hate this. he would hate what you’re doing to yourself in his absence…”
“go away, steve.”
but he never did.
———
on the year anniversary of when it happened, steve was there at three in the morning. you didn’t know how it happened; when exactly steve became the shoulder you cried on, or when he became the person you ran to on the worst days. you supposed that’s how grief worked, too. sneaking in slowly and taking hold. demanding to be acknowledged and eventually faced.
you couldn’t help dustin, lately. he pushed you away and got angrier, while you finally started to feel the smallest glimmers of peace. some nights still sucked. like tonight.
steve was holding you as you cried, stretched out on your bed, knowing better than to say anything but also knowing you didn’t want him to leave.
“when does it stop? i just want it all to go away…”
“no you don’t.”
“he would hate this… he would hate us. it’s been a year and— some days it feels like yesterday. and then other days… i think i’m doing better and i feel guilty and…”
you couldn’t remember the last time you had even spoken his name. you couldn’t bring yourself to. you felt too guilty, too lost, and sometimes, too okay.
“he would want this. he would want you living. he would want you happy and laughing and probably still making fun of him… he would want you to be you. the only thing he would hate, is how much losing him destroyed you. he would hate how much he meant to you… he would hate that he caused you this much pain and would tell you to—“
“stop.”
he was right.
steve was right and you hated it.
“steve, i don’t even say his name anymore…”
steve just looked at you softly, gentle, pitying eyes locked on your every word, “i know. that doesn’t mean anything—“
“what if it does? what if i’m not…grieving anymore. what if i’m moving on and— what if i forget things about him and–“
“hey. knock that off. you’re never going to forget anything about him. none of us are going to forget anything about him. he was your best friend before he was anything else.”
he was your best friend…
more than anything, eddie was your best friend.
a six month relationship meant nothing in comparison. he was still your best friend. even when he was your boyfriend, the friendship was still the center of all it.
“steve…”
you should have been sleeping… steve should have been at home. this should not have happened. but the way you said his name, the way he was looking at you… it all made you both rather delirious.
steve leaned in slowly, waiting for you to stop him. you waited for your brain to scream at you to stop— alarm bells, a twisting of the stomach, overbearing guilt… none of it came. instead, when you kissed him, you felt your chest swell. your cheeks heated up, his hand gently on your face, other hand’s fingers gently tracing up your arm.
it was soft. it was good. it was desperate…
it was nothing like kissing eddie.
and that may have been why you pulled away. that realization, that weight that settled in your chest.
“what the hell are you doing…”
your head snapped and you hadn’t even noticed your brother standing in your doorway.
“dustin—“
whatever positive feeling you had just experienced shattered with a sickening drop.
“dustin…”
he was looking at you like he had no idea who you were. like you were a stranger to him— a traitor.
“how long.”
you were moving to your feet, stumbling slightly as your hands started to shake, “no— it’s not… we never—“
dustin was shaking his head, “how could you do this… to him?”
“dustin, i’m not—“
“dustin, it wasn’t like that—“
dustin’s eyes moved to steve and for a moment you thought there would be a physical fight.
“you! i don’t want to hear any of this from you! you’ve waited for this to happen! you’ve been here almost every day just waiting! you were waiting for her to come to you and take her away from him!”
the words hit you like a slap. you physically stepped back like he had hit you. you felt tears in your eyes and now the guilt came rushing over you like it wanted you to drown.
“you don’t even say his name anymore! did you forget about him that quickly?! you found good old steve and now everything is just wonderful again for you!”
“hey—“
“how could you even say that to me?”
“how could you do this!?”
you opened your mouth to argue, to cry, to scream back but dustin was already gone. you heard angry footsteps on the stairs and the front door slam. steve was going after him. you just sat on your bed, numb, guilty, knees too weak to hold you up anymore. you collapsed forward on your bed in a fit of tears. you cried until you couldn’t breathe, until the tears were dry and all you felt was the dry stutter in your chest that longed to cry more. you heard the front door open and you sat up, wiping at your eyes and sniffling.
you nearly tripped going down the stairs, catching yourself on the banister, “dustin, i—“
you froze. it wasn’t dustin at all. it was steve… and he was alone. “steve? where is he?”
“wheeler’s.” he stepped towards you and you gasped, “what—“ this time you almost did collapse. steve had his cheek busted open and nose dripping blood, an old t-shirt shoved against it to try and stop the bleeding.
“steve—“ you rushed forward, numbness returning.
“what happe–“
“he hit me.”
your heart stopped for a moment, “what!? no— dustin, he—“
“i let him.”
your head was starting to spin. you grabbed an ice pack and held it against steve’s cheek, chewing the inside of your cheek, jaw clenching and unclenching, now feeling nothing but rage. steve’s nose stopped bleeding and you were confident the swelling wouldn’t be too permanent. “take me to mike’s.”
“um… i don’t think he wants to see—“
“steve… please… i can’t deal with this. please.”
you knocked on the door furiously, so they likely would know exactly who it was. mike opened the door a few seconds later, wide eyed, “hey,” he was still pleasant with you, at least.
“where is he?”
“dustin? he’s um…”
from behind the door, you heard a second voice, “tell her to fuck off.”
damn.
“he’s….”
“mike.” you crossed your arms, “you have always been my favorite of my brother’s friends. let me in or i’ll kick your ass.”
mike stepped aside, eyeing you like he knew you weren’t lying about either one.
“oh, you son of a—“ dustin was already turning, heading for the basement without a word or acknowledgment to you.
you grabbed the back of his shirt.
“let go of me right goddamn now—“
“don’t you fucking talk to me like that—“
“i don’t want to see you right now!”
“i don’t really want to see you either, but that’s too damn bad for both of us.”
dustin glared at you, and for a moment you believed he might actually truly hate you. “i’m not going with you.”
“okay. then i’m not leaving.”
“shouldn’t you be at home, in bed with steve?”
mike coughed, his awkward stance now almost laughable as he glanced between you two and then very quickly looked away. he muttered something before disappearing around the corner.
“oh, grow up, dustin! leave steve out of this. you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”
“grow up? you’ve forgotten all about him!”
“i could never forget about him!”
you dragged dustin outside, worried you had just woken up the entire wheeler house.
“then say his name! say his goddamn name, like you haven’t done in three months!”
you stepped back, momentarily stunned.
had it been that long? had he been keeping track?
“eddie.” and it stung.
“i will never forget about eddie. he was my best friend.”
“he was your boyfriend!”
“and i loved him. more than i’ve ever loved anyone. but—“
“no. no don’t you dare say but.”
“but— it hurts too much. living with it. going on without him… letting my every thought be of him and how much i miss him and how he isn’t here.”
“but we are.”
“yes. we are…”
“and do you have any idea how much he would hate this?”
dustin fell silent, realization almost crossing his face.
“he always said we were the best siblings he ever met… we never fought and we acted more like best friends than brother and sister. and now we don’t… everything is different between us and look what’s happened.”
“you stopped grieving.”
it was like another slap.
“i will never stop grieving.”
“you kissed steve!”
“yes! i did! and you know what, i’m not sorry about that. steve is… steve is—“
“i’m not listening to this.”
“hey! eddie told me once that if he was ever…gone… that he didn’t want me to mourn him for even a second.”
dustin just shook his head.
“it’s been a year. and it doesn’t hurt any less… he would hate this. for both of us.”
dustin just looked at you.
“you attacked steve, dustin… steve. the only person in the world that you like more than me.”
guilt crossed his face briefly.
“eddie probably would have found that funny…”
you snorted. laughing, despite yourself, “yeah, he probably would— but…”
you realized dustin was crying and whatever you had been about to say vanished. “hey…” you wanted to reach out but you didn’t want to set him off. but dustin stumbled forward, collapsing into you with his arms around you. you held him, tightly, as close as you could, while he sobbed.
he finally spoke and you choked on a sob.
“i don’t want to be happy in a world without him. it feels wrong…”
I think Thorin's story in the book canon is far better than in the movies. Like, don't get me wrong, I do love the Hobbit movies despite their flaws, but goodness, the book canon gives him such tragedy.
(For reference, a lot of the information I have was sourced from the Tolkien Gateway website and The Dwarrow Scholar.)
He is a young prince when Smaug attacks in the books, only 24. For reference, dwarves become "battle ready" at 30 (according to The Dwarrow Scholar), but this does not make them adults. It is more or less like their teen years. So by that logic, he was around 10-12 in human years, give or take.
While we cannot say directly how old Peter Jackson made Thorin when Erebor fell, we can see that he depicted the prince as a grown adult in the flashback at the beginning of An Unexpected Journey. We also see that Thorin was inside the mountain when the attack happened and directly faced Smaug at the gate, only surviving because he was knocked to the side. This clashed with the book, where Thorin says that nobody got out that way.
"The dwarves rushed out of their great gate; but there was the dragon waiting for them. None escaped that way."
In the same breath, Thorin tells Bilbo that he had been outside playing when Smaug attacked.
"…a fine adventurous lad in those days, always wandering about, and it saved my life that day"
I think it's safe to assume that his siblings (Frerin and Dis) were outside with him, along with Balin. (It's worth noting that Balin was 7 when the sacking of Erebor happened, meaning he was not much more than a toddler.) Especially since he tells us nobody escaped through the front gate, and his father and grandfather came out alone.
Is it not more tragic for a child to watch helplessly as the only home he'd ever known is destroyed by a dragon? Seeing people attempt to rush out the front gates only to be caught in the firestorm of a dragon, certain that his father and grandfather are among them. From what we know of Thorin, he was likely also trying to keep his siblings and cousin (Balin is in the line of Durin) safe at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, it's horrifying to see as an adult, too. But at least Thorin was certain his family was alive. In the movie, we see him actively dragging his grandfather out of the treasure hoard that Smaug had nested in.
They make their way to Dunland and try to make their living, and they stay there for twenty years. Thrór (Thorin's grandfather) and a companion of his, Nár, go to try and assess Khazad-dûm to take it back. It is there that Thrór is decapitated by Azog. The orc had carved his name into Thrór's forehead in dwarvish runes. After a couple of days, he threw Thrór's body out to Nár with a purse of silver coins, calling Nár a beggar. Nár ran back to Thráin (Thorin's father) to tell him of the tragedy, and later Thorin finds out too.
While we cannot say how close Thorin was to his grandfather in canon, we can certainly say that it's messed up to hear. Imagine your grandfather telling you he's going off to scout out the former kingdom of your people, only to be told by his companion that he was decapitated and dismembered.
Thráin calls war on the Orcs, even gathering the Seven Houses of the Dwarves for it. They wipe out hundreds of the orcs until it finally climaxes at the Battle of Azanulbizar in T.A. 2799, so Thorin was 53, hardly an adult. Think around 18-19 in human years. (Again, age standard coming from The Dwarrow Scholar.)
Thorin's younger brother, Frerin, is killed in this battle along with a few of his uncles. (Dain's grandfather and father, along with Balin and Dwalin's father.) Thorin engages Azog in battle, defending himself with the oak log and earning the nickname "Oakenshield", but it is actually Dain who deals the killing blow.
While many dwarves probably saw this as a heroic moment for the two, it was probably traumatic. Thorin was fighting a terrifying orc that killed his grandfather, about to be killed himself, when, in a panic, he grabbed an oak log to defend himself. It sounds badass to us, but again, think about how he felt. Likely weak and terrified.
Furthermore, he finds out afterwards that his younger brother died. Frerin was only 48, not even an adult yet. In human years, he would be around 16-17.
Thráin is still alive after this battle and is now king of Durin's folk. But, he had the Ring of Power from Thrór. He and Thorin bring their people to the Blue Mountains, where they make their living. But in T.A. 2841, he leaves the mountains with a small company that Balin and Dwalin were part of. Thorin, as his eldest, was probably left in charge. He would have been 95, which is a full blown adult at this point.
In T.A. 2845, driven mad by the Ring of Power, Thráin disappears into the woods. Thorin likely found out about his father's situation from Balin and Dwalin. So in the span of 46 years (which isn't much for dwarves, given their lifespan), Thorin has lost everything in multiple separate events.
Thorin only learns of his father's death when he is 195, sitting in Bilbo's house.
"I tried to save your[Thorin's] father, but it was too late. He was witless and wandering, and had forgotten almost everything except the map and the key.”
That's 100 years of silent hope that maybe, just maybe, his father may be out there somewhere.
In the movie, Thrór is decapitated right in front of Thorin, and Thráin runs to face Azog only to never be seen again. It is also Thorin who delivers the crippling blow to the orc, although he doesn't kill him.
Yes, it is terrible for so much to happen in one battle. But at the same time, having multiple horrific events happen in rapid succession can be worse. Just barely enough time in between for the healing process to begin, only for it to be ripped again. Think of it like a scraped knee. Every time it scabs over, you end up reopening the wound.
In the movies, he seems more like a young hero trying to fight for his home back with plenty of years to rule it. But in the books? He's old. Grey and old with poor eyesight from his age. It could be argued that he's going for Erebor so that his nephews (Fili and Kili) can rule it.
Thorin dies separately from his nephews in the movie (a choice I personally dislike); granted, he is on a high. He killed Azog and gets to apologize to Bilbo for his wrongdoings. Bitter as it is, there is a sweet fulfillment that he won Erebor back. You must also remember that he did not see Kili die, though he did witness Fili's death. So, as far as he knows, one of his nephews will still rule the kingdom he fought so hard for.
But in the books? We don't know much about their deaths; Tolkien doesn't go into the details of them. What he does tell us is that Thorin was wounded and Fili and Kili died defending him.
Of the twelve companions of Thorin, ten remained. Fili and Kili had fallen defending him with shield and body, for he was their mother’s elder brother.
Thorin was very much alive to see his nephews fighting hordes of orcs in an attempt to keep him safe, and all he could do was sit helplessly and watch as the boys he helped raise fall to an impossible foe.
In the end, Thorin's story is a tragedy in both movies and book. But the book canon is far, far more tragic in my humble opinion.
Ok so to get right into it, something to consider: I found that Thorin (and company) were vastly improved by the movies than in the books. The book was Bilbo’s Story (yes uppercase) and the narrative was entirely structured around him. The thematic form of the story is very beautiful (I’m gonna stop here before I get too excited), and Thorin’s tragedy is such a perfect support to Bilbo’s character arc. However, unless you are one of the few who are already crazy about Thorin, the book does not do much to endear us to him. The book canon is perhaps a more fleshed out and therefore sadder tragedy, but it would not occur to the vast majority of readers to even care about him to look into it further, to that degree. Thorin and his narrative was evidently entirely meant to be a backdrop for Bilbo’s growth and lessons learnt. The other dwarves are barely worth mentioning as they hardly have memorable characteristics separate from each other.
Now the movies. Yes, blah blah flaws, blah blah people hated it, blah blah changed canon, but it undeniably improved the dwarves characterizations (I give much credit to the awesome acting). Honestly people say they took away Bilbo’s agency, but I agree with the choice. The Hobbit was written for children, afforded only by its medium. A live-action hobbit is impossible to make into a children’s movie. Simply seeing the dangers and battles and then deaths onscreen makes it much more visceral. The movies committed to making it Bilbo and Thorin’s Story instead, with the smart choice of focusing on their relationship transformation. Excellent adaptation choice, I’m just gonna die on that hill. Also adds a layer of “we care about Thorin because his good qualities are SHOWN” and Bilbo cares about him. That gives much more dignity to the dwarves, while preserving the main thematic arc of Bilbo, and making the audience get attached to Thorin, so his later death is heartbreaking. (And Martin Freeman as Bilbo really sells the tragedy.)
Overall, TLDR: Thorin book canon may be more tragic in examination, but it was Thorin’s movie arc that made it feel like one.
