Welcome to voidreynolds; my coping mechanism and escape from reality!
Legal wife of Sanji, Levi and Zoro🫶🏻
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One Piece
Attack on Titan
Stranger Things:
Steve Harrington
Eddie Munson
Mike Wheeler
Bob Reynolds
Rhett Abbott
Bellamy Blake
Marvel
Miscellaneous
[ joe keery, lewis pullman, finn wolfhard, kaz brekker & bob floyd ]
summary: in a world shattered by war and destruction, you keep finding unhealthy distractions and a less than ideal way to carry on
content: sexual themes, explicit implications, situationship, friends with benefits, unhealthy coping mechanisms, slightly toxic relationship, eren is a freak but who is surprised, takes place s4 but before eren goes to marley, not cannon, eren is early 20’s in this bc i said so 🤷♀️, also he has his long hair because i also said so
eren was half asleep when he came to the door. he looked you up at down, eyes heavy lidded, almost looking irritated if you didn’t know his usual expression. he smirked faintly when his eyes landed on your face again, “miss me already?”
“eren. just let me in…”
eren stepped to the side, pushing the door open further so you could duck under his arm. he was still smirking as he closed the door and turned to follow you.
“rough day?”
eren glanced down at you pulling at his belt loops. you scoffed and eyed him with a cool stare, “the people we fight to protect are now our biggest threat... they think we’re demons. there’s conversations of wiping us off the map…”
eren stiffened slightly, letting his arms wrap over your shoulders, “if you dwell on it, you know you’ll worry yourself sick.”
“well, eren—“
“we’re doing what we can. there’s plans in place, there’s talks in the works…”
“we wipe out titans here and all we get is threats as thanks… the entire meeting…armin was trying to play the moderator but levi and jean just kept arguing… if we can’t even agree, how are we supposed to get the rest of the world to trust us?”
“jean is an idiot. the captain couldn’t care less if he’s liked or not. believe it or not, you don’t need to carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders.”
you glanced up at eren and huffed, “you always say that.”
“because i’m the one that carries the weight of the entire world on my shoulders…”
you sighed and let your head fall forward against his chest. eren draped an arm around your waist, tipping his own head forward so his chin was on your head. “did you come in here to rant?”
you glanced up at him, eyebrows raised— as if you hadn’t just been pulling him towards the bed by the beltloops of his pants. eren smirked to himself, taking your glare as answer, “how shall i have you tonight?”
you clicked your tongue and tilted your head again until your nose almost brushed against his. eren’s eyes softened, then darkened slightly before tucking his hand in your back pocket and yanking you closer. your mouth crashed against his, as if his touch was all the greenlight you needed. his hands shifted down slightly, open palmed against the curve of your thigh. your hands squeezed around his biceps, sliding up, fingers digging into his shoulder. eren breathed out slowly, breath turning ragged as your fingers slid up into his hair. he let out a breath that sounded more like a groan as he pulled you roughly against him once again.
you hummed against his mouth, nearly melting at the way a single finger traced the back of your thigh. he pinched gently and you shifted against him, leg hooking around his waist as you dragged yourself closer. eren smirked against your mouth, lifting you as if you weighed nothing and turned for the bed.
“you know you’ve left an imprint in my mattress…” he dropped you ungracefully on the bed as if dropping a sack of potatoes. you hummed in response, only half listening as your mouth chased him again. you found his lips, tongue brushing against his bottom lip, biting down gently.
“desperate, are we?”
you groaned as eren grabbed your jaw and angled your head so you looked at him, “i believe i said something to you…” he lifted his eyebrows in a scold and you felt your stomach flip as he straddled you.
“are you aware there’s an indent in my mattress now? it’s shaped suspiciously like you- especially in that one position that—“
you scoffed and smacked his hand away, shifting up to crash your mouth against him again. eren hummed in response, wrapping his arms around your lower back and lifting you to meet him. eren let out a breathy laugh, huffing slightly, “not up for talking tonight? fine. you’re always so damn loud anyway…”
your hands tightened on his bicep in a silent resentment to that statement. though when his mouth found your throat you found it impossible to argue with anything he said— the satisfied, smug snort almost had you shoving him back just to eye him incredulously and think of something to say back. but his teeth grazed your collarbone and his hands slid up your sides under your shirt and all the fight and resignation evaporated in a shuddering breath.
eren’s hands were soft. where yours were rough and calloused from holding reins, operating odm equipment and swinging swords, his were smooth. you wondered if he took the time to heal them, too. if he chose to do it— stupidly, if maybe he did it for you— so when his grip on you was rough and possessive, his fingers were soft and sensitive enough to feel all of it. every twitch, every goosebump, every shaky inhale in reaction to him. you bit your lip as his face buried against your stomach, teeth and mouth agonizingly precise against the beginning of the v just below your waistband.
your hands flew up instinctively, fingers tangling in his hair, gripping it like it was the only thing keeping you grounded to earth. eren breathed out again— a deep laugh that could have been a groan, “always so impatient… and so desperate for me.”
you huffed again, too overly sensitive and hyper aware of everywhere he was touching you to form a coherent argument. “this was supposed to be a one time thing, you know. what’s it been, six months now?”
you pulled eren’s hair roughy this time, yanking his head up so his eyes were on you. he was smirking slightly, lips leaning their spot along your stomach. he lifted his eyebrows, “yes?” he was always so damn smug. always so infuriatingly taunting and cocky.
“shut up.”
he lifted his head completely, open mouthed kisses along your stomach coming to a screeching halt. “ask nicely…”
you fought the urge to whimper in frustration or to smack him again, “please, mighty and powerful eren jeager… use your mouth for something else.”
this only made his smirk grow, clearly inflating his ego further. his eyes flicked down your body before meeting your eyes again and leaning in. he shifted once again so he was straddling you, rolling his hips slightly to nudge your legs open. he settled between them, chest inches from your own. eren held himself up with one hand and pulled your shirt up with the other, so swiftly you had almost missed it. your shirt was discarded over eren’s headboard and he was leaning down to kiss you before you could catch your breath.
your hands found his hair once again, burying your fingers in it, massaging his head, twisting strands of hair around your fingers. eren tensed slightly, eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head as he pushed up against you further in response.
you hated how messy you were for him. one look had you buckling and he knew it. even if you hadn’t come to him, he would have showed up at your door inevitably, arms crossed, eyebrow raised in a scold. just friends, but he sure knows every inch of you… just friends, but surely this is not nothing… you couldn’t possibly react this way to a meaningless hookup. your body wouldn’t anticipate just anyone— you wouldn’t taste him even in your dreams, waking up sore and craving eren more than breakfast…
just friends but—
but–
eren shifted once more and your wandering thoughts died in a whimper of his name. his forehead rested against your neck, placing kisses along your collarbone while he pushed himself closer. you moved with him, eyes closed, fingers fisted in his hair and on his shirt, clinging to him like he was the only thing you knew. it was the same song and dance. he always let you in. he always knew exactly what would get to you… he never just left it feeling casual. he was meticulous and agonizing and deliberate—
eren would kiss you on the forehead, rest his head against yours while you caught your breath, thumb shifting from your temple to your forehead to wipe your sticky hair from your skin. then he would tell help you find your clothes, walk you to the door, wish you goodnight and give you one last friendly, platonic, kiss on the cheek.
you never stayed the night.
you never fell asleep in his arms.
it could never get too real.
it could never feel like anything more than it was.
you shrugged your shirt back on slowly, eren not showing any shame at watching every second of you. he shifted behind you on his knees, pulling your shirt back slightly to place a open mouthed kiss on your shoulder. you tensed, hands freezing at the hem of your shirt.
oh.
that was new…
“sounds like someone’s in the hall…”
you hummed in acknowledgment, standing to your feet to pull your pants back on all the way. you glanced around for your shoes, feeling your chest tighten a little at the thought of making the long walk back to your room. once again.
you knew things could never be different. because of the world. because of the curse… because in less than two years, eren yeager would die. you had known. going into this. becoming friends with him, staying by his side even after everything— so you pushed it down. gritting your teeth and taking every night with him you could get before one of you came to your senses and ended it. before you let yourself think about how it had never been casual. how it had never been just a distraction. how a one night stand could have been with anyone. how you could have showed up at connie’s door instead. or jean’s. or even armin, though you knew he would be terrified of the mere thought of using you like a distraction.
it was eren. it would only ever be eren. because even before… you had never once imagined a life with someone. you had made plans. talked about the future. and then he transformed and the future you suddenly envision shattered.
“do you want to stay?”
you flinched, pulled from your thoughts so suddenly you felt like you were falling. “sorry?”
“when we ride out tomorrow… were you part of the squad or were you staying behind?”
oh.
right…
“i’m… i’m going. i think jean, sasha and i were assigned a separate task.”
eren just nodded, glancing between you and the door awkwardly.
right.
“goodnight, eren.”
you stiffly walked to the door, feeling your stomach twist like it did every time. you felt guilty, you felt giddy— your head spun with the aftermath of your visit, your stomach knotted with anxiety and longing.
things could never be different…
you knew that.
“hey?”
you flinched so hard you nearly tumbled over as connie met you in the hallway. he was eyeing you with raised eyebrows, almost like he was deciding if he was dreaming.
“are you…sleep walking?”
“no, connie.”
“oh,” he nodded slowly, deciding if that was enough of an answer. for connie, it wasn’t. “can i ask you something?”
great.
“what is it?” you tried not to sound irritated but your head throbbed, your legs were still shaking and your stomach was greatly debating on emptying all its contents onto the floor.
“what are you doing over here?”
you blinked once.
shit.
“did you get lost? were you looking for someone? jean’s already asleep, if you were wanting to talk about tomorrows excursion…”
it had been jean’s idea to split the usual team up. that could be a valid excuse to be here…
“i wasn’t looking for jean…”
you were too tired and spread too thin to lie tonight— even if a perfect story was handed to you on a plate.
“oh… okay.” connie eyed you like he had more questions now than he did before. you eyed him tiredly and he decided to drop it.
“i can walk you back to your room if you want?”
he was always remarkably good at reading you...
“sure, connie… thanks.”
by the time you were halfway to your room you had half a mind to tell connie everything. it would be nice to vent. to release your frustration and confusion in some other way besides sleeping with the source of your frustration and confusion… in a way you thought maybe some of them knew. that they didn’t miss the glances between you. the way things used to be between you… the silent longing and desperation for things to be different—
you were at your door before you had uttered a word. probably for the best…
“thanks, connie.”
“hey, don’t mention it. you looked lonely.”
you almost laughed.
how could someone be so lonely even while wrapped around someone and tangled in their sheets every night…
“maybe i am… sorry i wasn’t very talkative company.”
“that’s okay… i’m too tired for good conversation. i would likely just end up saying something stupid anyway…”
your mouth twitched up slightly, realizing you had almost told him about your not-at-all-sleeping arrangement with eren.
“yeah,” you laughed pathetically at yourself, “me too.”
it was the same dream again. it was always some form of the same thing… you were at the ocean. armin and mikasa were laughing, jean, sasha and connie were splashing each other and tackling one another into the water. captain levi had smiled. and eren stood beside you, gripping your hand as he convinced himself it was real. you would kiss him. sometimes you would wrap your arms around him and really mean it. other times he would push you in the water with a guilty smile. it was always good… it was always happy.
you always woke up in a cold sweat, laying alone, stomach sinking, feeling more lonely than you had before.
breakfast did nothing to improve your mood. connie and jean were arguing and sasha and mikasa had tried getting them to drop it, while only making it worse and louder—
“what the hell were you doing last night?”
you stopped suddenly, eyebrows lifted. jean was eyeing you accusingly and you made sure to note that he looked more exhausted and stressed than usual before lashing out completely.
“i’m sorry?”
“connie says he ran into you in the hallway.”
you exhaled slowly, turning to look at connie with a look that made him pale. “am i not allowed to go on walks at night?”
“the night before such an important surveillance operation?”
“what’s the problem here, kirstein?”
eren.
shit.
historically, eren had never had an issue confronting jean. historically, when you were involved, things got escalated…
“i was just asking her a question… this doesn’t concern you, eren.”
“it looks like you’re interrogating her instead of letting her eat her breakfast, jean.”
“oh, am i not allowed to talk to her now?”
you stiffened, fighting the urge to shift between them before punches could be thrown. eren’s jaw ticked and something flashed in his eyes.
“i don’t know. maybe not.“
you put a hand on eren’s wrist, tight enough to force him to acknowledge it. you breathed out slowly, eyeing him pleadingly. let it go. please…
“alright, then maybe i can ask you what she was doing in our hallway after midnight?”
fuck.
eren, instead of his usual snide, teasing remark about being your babysitter, smirked. something about his expression was off. something about the look in his eye sent alarm bells ringing…
“she was with me.”
your knees nearly gave out at this. your hand found the table before you could stumble forward and collapse onto the floor completely. eren stared at jean like a dare— his mouth twitched in a smirk and he didn’t even look at you.
“she was with you?”
now armin, mikasa, sasha and connie were staring at you with expressions somewhere between horrified and confused.
“yes, jean. she was with me.”
jean blinked once, glancing to you— you hoped your cheeks weren’t flushed too badly— and looked back at eren, as if putting the pieces together.
“and what was so important that you had to meet so late at night?”
connie coughed, mikasa had suddenly grown mjch smaller, and you turned to eren with a furious glare. warning. almost pleading…
“well, jean, you’re a smart guy, aren’t you? i’m sure you can figure it out.”
there was a small gasp from armin. sasha had stopped eating and now looked between the two of you with something of a smug, open mouthed smile. mikasa stared at you with an expression you couldn’t read and jean had gone several shades of scarlet.
“you’re hooking up!?”
connie turned to you, wide eyed and startled.
“connie.” you hissed through gritted teeth, wishing you could vanish right then and there.
someone behind you snickered and you tensed, “that desperate, hm? you could have come to find me instead of fucking a titan…”
your jaw tightened just as eren turned slowly. his demeanor was just as calm as it had been, though there was a deadly storm crashing behind his eyes. the calmness with which he could kill someone is what scared you the most. his breathing never changed, his expression never changed, he just seemed to get taller-
“she doesn’t want you, recruit. and if you enjoy breathing, i suggest you never bring that up that again.”
you flinched slightly, thrown by his mood today. he wasn’t reserved. he wasn’t subtle… he was radiating with an intensity you had always found intoxicating. he was…. jealous? no.
possessive.
the word reverberated through your skull as you watched him stare down an entire room. he may as well have just publicly claimed you. the way he stood slightly between you and everyone else like he didn’t even realize what he was doing,
“eren.”
he was so tense you worried muscles would snap. he turned his head to you slowly, eyes remaining just as intense and fiery.
he could cause an even bigger scene. someone could say something to make it worse—
“you forgot your cloak.”
that seemed to pull him out of it. he blinked once, shoulders relaxing just slightly as he looked you over, “right… of course…”
and he turned without another word and walked out. just as suddenly and silently as he had come in.
the others blinked slowly, looked to you for an explanation. your stomach was twisting again and you fought away the tears stinging in your eyes.
there it was.
a six month secret…
something that was never supposed to happen in the first place now saw the light of day.
you should have laughed it off. shook your head with an exasperated smile and say eren was joking. you had been in his room though it was for something much more innocent.
you followed him instead.
eren was at the stables already. he was leaning against the side of the stalls, arms crossed, brooding like a royal pain in your ass. he grunted when you approached, eyes shifting to you coolly.
“what the fuck was that?”
his lip twitched, eyes trailing from you to the ground, “nothing.”
“bullshit.”
eren grunted again, turning to his horse. your hand moved to close around his wrist and he countered it by grabbing both of yours. he lifted your arms above your head and pinned you between him and the wall, “what was that?” his tone had dropped and your pulse raised.
“eren.”
“so what if people know? you think we’re the only two people here fucking?”
“eren…”
he lowered his head slightly, hands on your wrists as he leaned in closer, “if you keep saying my name like you’re going to scold me or beg me for something, i’m going to lose it.”
you didnt fight him. you didn’t even bother pushing him off you, despite knowing he was barely holding you. your breath caught, pulse racing as he looked you over like a meal.
“it was your idea,” you forced yourself to breath steadily, shaking slightly, “to keep it a secret.”
“it was your idea to do it in the first place.”
“and you never stopped me! not once… not once did you send me away and tell me to find someone else to—“
his eyes were on you in a flash, nearly making you flinch. “someone else to what? what did you just say?”
something about his tone made your body ignite. chills broke out along your arms as he took you in with a furious expression. you had seen him like this… intense. brooding. full of rage he didn’t know what to do with… nights he took you like he hated you. where you just let him use up every ounce of pent up rage and anger and frustration. over and over and over… neither one of you having enough sense to stop. neither one of you thinking of the repercussions when it stopped feeling casual and meaningless. when it shifted to something primal— feral… a need that suddenly was no longer about needing an outlet, but needing each other.
it had never been about just anyone…
you had known that for years.
you had known you would never feel the same way about anyone else that you felt about eren. distance hadn’t worked. the cover of friendship, the way you always ran to him first when he returned from a scouting…
“say that again.”
it wasn’t a question. he wasn’t being playful or making fun of the way you had come to him first.
“i said find someone else… i could have—“
he was kissing you then. so suddenly and so full of desperation that it made your head spin.
“no.” it was more growl than words.
fuck.
he had never once kissed you like that. even in the messiest of nights when you feared for the structure of you bed frame— it had never been like that. and in the open— not behind closed doors. not while the other half of his body was busy elsewhere—
you pulled away first, only because you couldn’t breathe. you sucked in air like you had been drowning— and eren just chased you again. his hands found the back of your neck, your jaw, yanking you back against him, pushing until you were flush against the wall.
“don’t you ever,” his mouth trailed down your throat and your fingers gripped his hair and the back of his shirt just to stay standing, “fucking say that again.”
oh.
he was…
jealous?
no.
eren pulled away, eyes dark and heavy with desire. he eyed you like a man who was starved— as if in his mind he already had you bent over some surface—
possessive.
your fingers slid through his hair as he tilted against you slightly, knee gently pushing between your legs to get closer. you let out a shaky breath that only encouraged him further.
at any moment and entire squadron would come out—
captain levi would—
“you’re mine.”
eren’s words nearly dropped you.
your breath stuttered, letting out a small gasp as he bit down on your throat.
“what?”
your voice was broken— shattered along with that small bit of restraint in your chest. that part you had buried— those feelings, that all consuming flame that had always burned deep down—
“you heard me.”
eren was so close. pressed up against you as if there wasn’t the chance of someone walking by at any moment. he lowered his head slightly, mouth closing around your throat, just below your jaw. you sucked in shaky breath, hands gripping his arms to keep yourself standing.
“eren—“
“what?” his voice was thick, heavy with something that made your head spin. he closed the gap between you again, suddenly kissing you like he had been holding himself back this entire time–
your words died in a hum, grabbing onto him with a new desperation, just to keep yourself standing. you had fought this for so long— buried it down deep, letting yourself accept that you would never have more of him than just-
“i’m in love with you.” it came out with another moan as his hands tightened on your hips and his open mouthed kisses turned to tongue. before you could stop it, as you cursed yourself for arching into him and dragging him closer like it was instinct.
eren pulled back slowly, eyes dark and wild, “i told you not to say that…” he eyed you like he was disappointed, “i told you not to love me. i told you—“
this time it was you who wrapped your arms around his neck, looking up at him like you were finally allowed to finally see him. “i know. i know…”
his chest rose and fell like he was holding himself back. “you can’t just say shit like that. you can’t just—“
“you can’t just say i’m yours and act jealous and possessive and convince me that it’s still casual.”
eren stepped back, hands still on your hips, eyeing you like he was solving a puzzle. he opened his mouth, closed it. blinked once, ran a hand through his hair.
“it’s not-“
“jeager.”
you moved to step back— for nothing, since you were pinned against a wall– eren lifted his head with a sigh. levi was eying the pair of you with an irritated expression— though it wasn’t much different than his usual expression so you couldn’t gauge how much trouble you were actually in.
“untangle yourselves please and let’s go.” his tone was evident that he wasn’t actually asking.
you put your hand on eren’s chest, moving to push him away. his eyes were back on you, freezing you in place, “we aren’t finished with this…”
“eren—“
“i know, i know. just… ride close to me, okay?”
your heart fluttered slightly, feeling heat in your cheeks. you smiled to yourself, despite knowing that everything fought against the two of you.
“okay…”
you edged your horse forward, closing the gap between you and jean. “connie! get back in line you dumbass—“ armin’s protest was ignored as connie squished himself between you and jean, to which eren nudged closer, eyes sharp.
“i’m sensing some tension, gang.”
you rolled your eyes and clicked your tongue, urging your horse forward further. “mainly in the sexual sense—“ you muttered a curse, refusing to turn and acknowledge connie’s smug smile or eren’s murderous expression.
“connie,” jean breathed out slowly, clearly spiraling at the thought of dealing with this, “get back in line. we’re not meant to break formation for anything. captain levi will have your head if you aren’t—“
“abnormal!”
you shifted hard in your saddle, turning sharply and nearly crashing into eren’s horse as you reversed. you were one of the strongest rider with the fastest horse so your job was always spreading the word down the line.
eren watched you anxiously, eyes momentarily faltering away from the enemy. you cursed as his horse ran him directly into a tree branch and he nearly tumbled off the back. you grabbed the hood of his cloak and cursed, “eren—“ his horse scooted out from underneath him, tucked his tail and galloped for home.
“what the hell is with you today?”
you shifted awkwardly as he scrambled on behind you the rest of the way, arms around your stomach. you would have sworn he did it on purpose—
“i’m sorry.”
not good enough.
“eren!”
“i’m sorry! i don’t know…”
you groaned in frustration and spun your horse back around, pushing it forward back to levi’s line.
“there’s three!”
you barely heard connie over the wind against your ears and your horse’s heavy breathing and pounding footsteps. you cursed, digging your heels further into your mare’s sides.
“why is jeager with you—“
levi’s eyes were sharp, already noting something was wrong before you had even approached.
“abnormals…”
levi narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, pushing his horse faster, “wonderful.”
you cursed as you shifted your weight from jean to connie, nearly crying out as you tried to take a step.
“easy! hey—“
“where’s eren?”
“i think you should be more worried about you—“
“armin!”
armin’s eyes widened on you, quickly throwing the reins over his horse’s neck and rushing towards you.
“what—“
“where’s eren?”
“he— mikasa– he’s with mikasa and the captain— what happened?”
“i almost got eaten. eren, he—“
“that’s why he turned… i heard the scream and— mikasa vanished… i saw jean carrying you and—“
“i should have stayed—“
“eren is fine. you would have been trampled in that outbreak…”
“he—“
“get her to the medics! let’s go!”
“armin, i’m fine! i want to—“
you sat on your bed, glaring at jean and connie who had taken it upon themselves to guard you and forbid you from leaving.
“sorry, armin’s orders. you aren’t to leave.”
“jean,” you huffed, “i’m—“
“don’t say you’re fine. you sprained your ankle and you’re damn lucky your foot didn’t get ripped off.”
you huffed, crossing your arms and pouting pathetically. connie opened his mouth with a smug, smartass smirk but whatever he was going to say died as a door slammed into him. your door flew open, eren, wide eyed and disheveled, looked around with a wild expression.
you breathed in slowly, “i’m fine, eren.”
“where did you go?” his tone made connie and jean flinch. “i had you on my shoulder and— i didn’t know what— did you– did i drop you? are you— are—“
“she’s fine… connie caught her and we carried her back—“
“you—“ eren’s hands shook and you shifted to stand.
“no.” three voices snapped at you at once and you glared, “stay there.” you leaned back with a sigh, letting your head fall back against the pillow.
“i was more worried about you—“
“she’s fine. if anything, you saved her.”
“i’m— i just… i saw my mom and—“
“jean, connie, you can go.”
“are you—“
“get out, jean.”
jean flinched and connie pulled him for the door before it escalated again. you glanced at eren and said nothing. you just watched, blinking once.
eren was running his hands through his hair, breathing out shakily. you watched him intently, pulse rising slightly, watching the early signs of him slipping again.
“eren.”
his eyes flashed to you, pinning you in place, stare burning— he was starting to spiral. he was starting to slip. his hands shook, held in a tight fist while his other hand ran through his hair, tangling in the hairtie that held part of it back.
“eren, i’m okay.”
“no.”
“eren.”
“no,” he said your name again and his voice softened slightly, “you almost got ripped to pieces. your leg was in that titans mouth! you could have—“
“you saved me.”
there was still titan blood on your shirt. and you didn’t have the heart to tell eren that some of it was yours… your leg was bandaged tight enough to hurt, though the sting and ache still carried over every other thought.
“your ankle is broken. seems like i did a pretty shitty job of saving you.”
you shifted again and eren’s eyes flashed to you. this time they were full of worry and guilt. he eyed you softly, almost sadly, “i thought i was going to lose you…”
“you didn’t.”
“but if i had, i—“
“stop…”
you shifted once more, moving to make room on your bed. eren hesitated momentarily, eyes widened slightly, hesitant—
“you are awfully worried for a friend.”
your voice was playful, but as soon as you said it you regretted it. eren’s eyes were back on you, that darkness sinking in again.
“a friend?”
the edge to his voice returned—
you breathed in deeply, deciding to bait it instead of back down and try to soothe him.
“isn’t that what you said?”
“you know damn well what i said earlier.”
“remind me… i did just go through something traumatic. memory loss is common.”
eren’s eyes flashed, stepping closer to you, teeth gritted. he realized you were taunting him. you were playing with him and he didn’t hate it— you wanted him to say it again. you wanted to hear it all from him… eren’s mouth twitched, savoring how smug you looked, thinking you had control.
eren put his palm on the mattress and leaned in, “if you want to do this now, you can’t be shocked and back out when you get all of me…”
a chill washed down your spine, goosebumps appearing along your entire body.
“i warned you… i told you— i begged you- not to do this. not to love me… not to stay anywhere near me. i warned you— i told you what would happen— what will happen…”
“i don’t care.”
now it was eren’s turn to eye you with wide eyes, saying nothing.
“i know what it all means. i know what will happen…”
“you—“
“i have loved you since the first time i jumped between you and those soldiers. when i argued with jean and connie to trust you… when i stood against an entire room— every superior officer— and i swore that you were good. that you were…”
eren had shifted slightly, hand gentle against the bandage around your ankle, “i’m sorry. i’m sorry for all of it. that things aren’t different… that i— that you were dragged into this…”
“eren. it doesn’t matter. when i first came to you i didn’t know what i was doing… i expected you to stare at me with that irritated glare and tell me to get some sleep. i convinced myself it was just going to be once… that it was nothing and i could realize that i was never…”
“never, what?”
“in love with you.”
“say it again…”
“you already know, eren.”
“i want to hear it again… please.”
you closed your eyes and slowed your breathing, “i’m in love with you… despite everything. despite knowing how it ends…”
“you know what you’ll go through… for loving me…”
“i know.”
he breathed out your name, shifting to lower himself beside you, “i don’t want to hurt you. i don’t want you to go through losing anyone else… can you still say it with confidence? that you love me? that you won’t resent me when i leave you?”
“it’s too late for that now.”
“no, it’s not— you can kick me out. you can—“
“no, eren.”
“you—“
“it’s only you. if that means i lose you in just over a year… if that means i lose you tomorrow. i would have had you sooner. i would have loved you this entire time if you had just let me… the hookups, the nights where it almost felt real… you claimed me. you got jealous and said i was yours, so why— this entire time—“
“i don’t want to leave you.”
your breath caught, suddenly feeling all the questions and fight evaporate in your chest. you said nothing— you had nothing to say to that. your eyes met his, the room seeming to shrink. this entire time, he had loved you. he had fought it, argued against it, convincing himself it was easier to love from a distance. to keep it casual. to spare feelings…
“i just want to love you…”
eren flinched, shifting back to his feet and taking a step back. his eyes flashed to you, paler, cheeks flushed, breathing heavier.
“can i please? just… just let me love you. in whatever time we have left… before—“
eren was kissing you, then. both hands on your face, pushing you back against your pillows, shifting until he was on top of you. his hands slid to your jaw, grip tightening just slightly. your breath caught, head spinning slightly as he kissed you with all the force he could muster— shaking slightly as he held himself back.
his hand gripped your hand, sliding it up over your head as he pushed you further into the mattress. you followed with your other hand, nearly losing it as his hand closed around both of your wrists. his other hand traced your jaw, thumb tracing down your throat before his hand rested against it, closing just slightly.
you let out a shaky gasp, closing your eyes as his mouth found yours again. as you chased him to keep up, his mouth moved to your throat, “you’re mine.” you nodded, breathless. “do you hear me?”
you nodded again, unable to manage much else between his grip and the way he was on your mouth again like he was starved.
he had finally broken. that tidal wave crashed down, the dam he had built all for the sake of protecting you and keeping you from getting too close— shattered as he kissed you with everything in him.
the kisses weren’t gentle. his hold on you wasn’t light— it was rough, desperate— like just this moment could make up for everything he had wasted. recover all the days— years he had been fighting it.
“eren—“
his name in a near whimper almost had him losing his mind but he pulled back enough just to look at you, “is it your ankle? am i hurting you?”
you placed your hand over his on your throat and pressed down gently. you shook your head, reassuring him that he wasn’t—
“i love you.”
his eyes softened for a moment, though his possessive and hungry grip didn’t waver, “i love you too. i always have and it drives me fucking crazy…”
another kiss, messy and needy.
his hair fell in your face, your fingers tangling through, messing up the way he had pulled it out of his face.
“i love you…” he whispered against the edge of your collarbone, trailing up your throat, to your ear, “but this makes it harder.”
your fist tightened on the fabric of his shirt, keeping yourself tethered to him, “i don’t care—“
truthfully, with his hands on you, his mouth on your throat and his waist between your legs, you didn’t care about anything—
“i love you…” and eren kept saying it, repeating it, mumbling your name against your ear, “which is why i have to do it… to keep you safe.”
he didn’t pull back but the way his tone dropped, voice laced with that deeper, dangerous edge almost had you pausing. though eren shifted once more and any warning bells died out as he kissed you again.
I love you characters who try so hard to avoid becoming one specific thing that they end up becoming something arguably worse. I love you characters with backwards development. I love you characters whose ideals dissolve over time. I love you characters who start out bright-eyed and end their stories with several important pieces missing.
omg i saw you wrote for mike recently, would u please please pretty please write for finn again 🥹🙏
i honestly just finished a draft i started back in early april😭 i’ve been struggling to write literally anything and in a slump so i don’t know if i’ll write for him again! i just don’t have many ideas or inspiration right now😭
what do you mean so many fics on ao3 are ai why can’t we do anything gang😭 it’s not even like you’re making money off fanfics so genuinely why can’t you just use the power of your own brain 😭😭
as a reminder, i have never and will never use ai and it is stated in my home page and master list🫶🏻
summary: your boyfriend forgets who you are but is still manipulated into fighting over you
warnings: jealousy, amnesia trope, platonic!sanji, fighting, violence, language
zoro had fallen asleep long before you had. he was slumped over with his head on your shoulder, snoring like he couldn’t possibly be more comfortable. he shifted slightly in his sleep, muttering to himself and draping an arm over you. you glanced down at him and smiled to yourself before returning your glance to robin and the notebook beneath her thumb.
“if he ever knew someone else saw him like this, he would deny it.”
you fought back a smirk, relishing in the way the renown demon was so soft and care free around you. how you had ever landed with him, you still didn’t know, but robin was even more amused by it than sanji— who was sure to tease zoro about it endlessly. you turned your attention back to the pages in front of you, rubbing your eyes tiredly.
“you can get some sleep… i do appreciate your help.”
robin glanced up at you, smiling tiredly.
“i’m okay… you shouldn’t have to translate this by yourself… besides, if i wake up, he wakes up. and he’s…”
robin eyed you softly, shaking her head slightly, “we wouldn’t want the swordsman crankier than he already is…”
you opened your mouth to respond when a noise cut through the air. something musical and haunting— a horn?
“what the hell is that?”
as you said it, zoro stirred beside you, face scrunched up like he was in pain. “zoro?” as soon as his movement started, it was over. he settled back against your shoulder, muttering something you didn’t quite catch before he was in a dead sleep once again.
you woke up, slumped in the same spot, awkwardly folded into zoro’s lap, bent at an angle that was already killing your neck and lower back. it was later than you usually slep and the quietness of the ship was very off.
“we have a problem.”
robin had returned, looking like she had either been up for hours or not slept at all. you moved to stand to your feet but there was still a weight slumped against you.
“zoro.” you bounced your shoulder, trying to nudge him into consciousness, “zoro—“
zoro woke with a groan, sitting up faster than he usually would. he glanced around the room and his eyes widened. he was jumping to his feet, hand on his sword.
you moved to follow him, about to ask what was wrong before he drew his blade, “where am i?”
“right…”
robin sighed, holding her hands out in submission, “it appears that a few of our crew have lost their memory…”
“what?”
zoro was eyeing you like he couldn’t figure out if you were a friend or foe. his grip was tight on his sword, eyes sharp, jaw set.
“where am i?”
“zoro…” your voice shook slightly, tone gentle and unsteady.
“who are you?”
oh.
robin sent you a sympathetic look as his words hit you and sank like a stone in your stomach.
“you lost your memory, swordsman… we are not a threat to you…”
zoro’s eyes flashed, landing on you again. there was a flicker of familiarity there. his expression almost softened, but he turned his attention back to the door, “where am i? i was on a marine base and—“
“we got you out of there, zoro—“ you cut yourself off, stomach twisting at the familiarity that he wouldn’t know, “you’re on your ship… with your crew.”
“my crew? i—“
the door to the study opened and sanji met your gaze, wide eyed, “oh, excuse me—“ his eyes lit up slightly as he took you in, “apologies, madam… i didn’t know there was anyone in here— would you mind telling me what’s going on? i don’t seem to remember where i am…”
you fought the urge to start crying— none of your friends knew where they were. your boyfriend didn’t recognize you… the room started spinning slightly just as there was a scream from outside.
sanji was already moving, zoro pushed past you with swords drawn.
usopp and nami were cowering in the corner, chopper was crying behind a stack of crates and luffy was just talking to them excitedly— likely making it worse.
heads all turned to you as the group joined in the middle of the ship. there was raised voices, arguments broke out instantly and you cursed under your breath. zoro stood coiled, ready for a fight and you fought the urge to put your hand on his chest to steady him. you would always reach for him— in tension, it anxiety, in excitement… now that you couldn’t you wrapped your arms around yourself, shrinking slightly.
“are you alright? are you cold?”
sanji had not lost his charm with his memory, at least…
“i’m—“ you reached for zoro’s jacket before remembering that it wasn’t there— he had it tied around his waist, no longer draped over you, “thank you… i’m okay.”
robin once again explained where they were and what had happened. zoro and sanji were arguing already, while luffy couldn’t get past the captain part; now enthusiastically parading around his ship with wide eyes.
“so we’re a pirate crew?”
zoro looked to you and your stomach sank.
“aren’t you a pirate hunter?”
zoro turned to sanji with a sharp expression, “i never actually gave myself that title. it was more of a source of income… had to make a living somehow, right?”
sanji clicked his tongue, unimpressed, “have you ever considered finding a real livelihood? earning an honest wage… doing something respectful.”
“and what do you do, eyebrows?”
you shifted to ready to move between them— when they were friends you didn’t have to worry about them actually killing each other… but now—
“i’m a cook.”
zoro snorted and you sighed.
“i’ll have you know, i don’t think there’s any greater honor that preparing people’s food…” sanji’s eyes shifted to you, expression softening, pulling his best flirting expression, “aside from maybe caring for and being loved by a woman…”
you shifted uncomfortably, stopping yourself from glancing at zoro. he would jump in and shove sanji away from you after growling a threat.
“i’m sorry. that your swordsman doesn’t remember you… i know that hurts.” robin eyed you gently, as you curled your knees to your chest.
zoro had announced that he was going for a walk hours ago and you hadn’t seen him since. you should have stopped him or gone with him— but you had no right to… he didn’t remember that you always went with him. that he never went anywhere without you…
you were half asleep when a hand on your shoulder startled you awake. sanji was eyeing you softly, “i’m sorry… about earlier… i don’t— i wish i could remember. i’m sorry if i…”
“it’s alright, sanji… you didn’t do anything.”
“where’s um… sword guy?” luffy had crashed into the room, mouth full of something sanji had made.
robin glanced to you sadly and opened her mouth to speak. just as a horn blew again—
you instinctively put your hands over your ears and cursed, jumping to your feet, “he’s back—“
“memory guy!” luffy launched off the balcony, diving for the top of the ship. sanji followed behind him and your stomach twisted as they held a boy by the collar.
“give them back!”
the boy giggled maniacally and kicked at luffy, causing him to be dropped into the water. you moved to dive after him, but sanji threw his arm around you to stop you, “let me—“
luffy was already streaking across the island by the time you had gotten off the ship.
you cursed as you were smacked in the face by branches or vines for the tenth time. luffy was trekking ahead, letting branches fly backwards without regard for anyone behind him. sanji stepped between you and luffy and eyed you apologetically, “does he always have this little regard for others?” sanji put a hand up to keep the branches from whacking you. you smiled to yourself, “luffy is good… he cares too much about others. but when his mind is made up on something he has no room or regard for anything else…”
you stopped short at the sound of a sword being drawn and a grunt. you nearly ran right into his chest as he was still stumbling blindly through the taller brush.
zoro.
“hey,” he sounded dazed, quite similar to when he first woke up– “are you alright? i was looking for you.”
“you were looking for me?” you echoed it stupidly, looking up at him hopefully.
“aren’t you the one that wandered off?”
zoro’s eyes shifted to sanji, sharper and dangerous. “you’re standing entirely too close to her.”
oh.
your zoro didn’t get jealous. your zoro had gotten past the idiotic being threatened by sanji.
“you….” you closed your mouth but stepped closer to zoro. he stepped between you and sanji, too tense to be normal.
“zoro… what’s—“
sanji scoffed and ducked past him, continuing to push plants aside. he held his arm up while you ducked underneath and zoro snapped.
“listen, curly brows.”
you flinched. sanji spun around, meeting zoro suddenly just as fiercely and worked up. you missed the yellow glow in his irises. you missed the way zoro’s jaw tensed like he was fighting through pain just before he drew his sword.
“stop—“
you threw your arms out as they swung for each other, sword meeting foot. you cursed as luffy started laughing. nami huffed, usopp shrieked and you were relieved chopper had stayed on the merry.
“you don’t even know why you’re fighting! sanji—“
you tried to jump in front of zoro but he only ducked slightly and threw you behind him with a grunt. he was unreachable— almost as if…
“the horn.”
robin had turned slowly, eyes on the small body of water near by. the others took off towards the bubbles under the surface, while you wrestled your way between sanji and zoro.
“i’m not taking your girlfriend, mosshead! but if she finally sees what’s right in front of her, well–”
sanji stumbled out of the way of a lunge, gritting his teeth in irritation.
“you’ve always wanted her! your doe eyes at her! your constant flirting—“
“zoro, stop!” you threw yourself in front of him and that’s when you finally noticed— his eyes. they glowed golden.
“this isn’t right…” zoro had paused to look at you, chest heaving, teeth gritted against the rage boiling inside him.
“sanji, look at me.”
sanji, thrilled to be told to do anything by you, turned to you enthusiastically. his irises glowed just as bright— as sanji turned and let his guard down, zoro raised his sword. you shoved your hip out, lifted your elbow and sent zoro tumbling off the edge of the grass and into the water.
sanji, momentarily eying you with heart eyes, snorted. he doubled over in laughter and you huffed. zoro came up sputtering, now even more infuriated.
“you—“
you eyed him sharply and clarity seemed to strike him. he came up with something between his fist, jaw clenched.
“give them back.”
he said it calmly, but there was nothing calm or peaceful about his demeanor. chills broke out along your arms as luffy moved to dive in with zoro–
sanji caught him, muttering something about being hopeless.
“what the hell is that?”
robin stepped forward, arms crossed, “i do believe that is the memory thief… he was just using the boy as a pawn.”
zoro tightened his grip slightly, to which the– creature— started squirming and making noises that you assumed where meant to be words.
“zoro—“
you jumped into the water without a second thought, to which sanji shrieked and followed behind you. zoro gritted his teeth at sanji following behind you and his momentary distraction gave the creature its escape. it dove under the water again before tearing across the dry land— luffy, nami and usopp chased after it.
zoro and sanji were at it again— wrestling in the water, trying to dunk each other beneath the water.
“would you two please–“
a stray foot struck the side of your jaw and you cursed. zoro and sanji froze, suddenly wide eyed—
“look what you did!”
zoro lunged forward with his hands on sanji’s throat, “you kicked her in the face!”
sanji shoved zoro off of him and rushed towards you, who was crossly storming across the grass now.
“i’m so sorry— i’m so sorry— i didn’t mean— please forgive me, mademoiselle, i— i’ll never forgive myself, i—“
zoro had tackled sanji again as yet another horn sounded. they both froze, sanji’s foot against zoro’s chest, zoro’s sword to sanji’s throat—
their eyes cleared. they blinked, as if waking up suddenly.
“are you okay?”
zoro pushed sanji backwards into the water and crossed to you, eyes soft. his gaze locked on you like he was memorizing all of you, “what happened, are— are you alright? where are we?”
“zoro…”
you breathed out in relief. whatever luffy had done to that seahorse thing, it had worked…
“yeah?” zoro’s arms wrapped around you, sword tucking back into its sheath.
you shook your head, “i missed you…”
pathetic, really— someone who was hazardously independent had longed for the comfort of her boyfriend in only a twelve hour lapse.
“i’m… was i gone?”
you just shook your head and let your face fall against the crook of his neck. his hand came to rest agsinst your shoulder, pulling you closer.
“did i get lost again?”
you almost laughed, “yeah…” because the truth would make zoro hate himself. to forget something so important went against everything he was. every vow and dedication he had ever made to you, “just for a little bit…”
zoro opened his mouth to respond but you kissed him quickly. zoro always got stiff and awkward when you showed affection to him in public, but his hand tightened on your hip. like he needed it too— though he wasn’t completely sure why…
summary: trying to survive in a war with as little casualties as possible and zero attachments so there’s nothing to lose.
warnings: animal death and injury, sexual themes, implied smut, nothing graphic, night terrors, panic attack, slight ptsd, blood, violence, war, language, slow burn, tension, angst, repressed feelings, childhood friends, takes place before cannon **not cannon of plot compliant bc im not finished yet
a/n: did i write an aot fic before actually finishing it? yes. next question.
“first lieutenant.”
you stood to your feet, shrugging off the exhaustion that clung to you like a wet blanket, “captain.” levi regarded you with a stiff nod and you tried to ignore the circles under his eyes that had gotten even darker.
“we have orders to ride out tonight.”
your breath caught but you didn’t let any hesitation or anxiety show, “we? our squad?” you knew better than to ask where you were going, or to even question at all–
levi rubbed his face and exhaled slowly, “no. just us. too great a risk to draw attention with large numbers…”
oh.
“right, captain. what do i need?”
“only what you can carry… we’ll travel light. meet me in the stables in an hour… say your goodbyes.”
your stomach dropped and knotted uncomfortably, “yes, sir.” you fought the rising of your pulse and the nausea roaring in the pit of your stomach.
levi had been human once; despite what people say and whisper. even as everyone called him humanity’s strongest soldier, a monster, cold, callous and immune to feelings— he hadn’t always been so hardened. he was made that way, broken down, pushed, driven until he couldn’t let himself be ruled by emotion. he was still levi. this you knew– behind the uniform and the permanently exhausted eyes and the looks that could command and silence entire squadrons without a word.
“why the hell are you doing this?”
levi had growled then, as he nearly beat you bloody. you lifted a fist to block that he countered– “i told you,” you kicked out and nearly throw him off balance, “i’m going with you.” you never beat him in a fight. you were never better than him or as strong as him… but you followed right behind him. in training, in rank, in life…
“attachment to me will get you killed.”
“worrying about me will distract you.”
levi had never let softness show— not to others, not in front of his squadron, certainly not in situations of conflict or in front of superior officers. but he was always there. he had always been there. he nearly begged you not to follow him into training. you had argued you would be safest with him and he had nearly screamed that he couldn’t guarantee you would be safe, that he couldn’t always protect you.
graduation came, with levi at the top of the class and you right behind him. you fought harder than you needed to, you hit harder than you should have. but you made it. respected and feared for your rank and your past with their captain.
levi was already standing in the stables, his head resting against the forehead of his black stallion. his hand was up against his neck, striking his mane tiredly. you could see his lips moving and your chest tightened with how gentle he was with his horse. your expression softened, pausing to just watch him before announcing yourself. you savored the quiet— the flicker of a gentler man that you knew was still fighting.
“you can come in. you aren’t interrupting a serious conversation.”
your mouth twitched up, noting the way he didn’t try to hide his softness towards his mount. he shifted his head off his horse slightly to take you in. “are you ready?”
“yes, sir.”
levi regarded you tiredly, glancing around once, “there’s no one here,” he breathed your name sleepily, “there’s no need for that.”
“levi.”
you said it softly, like you weren’t sure you were allowed to. levi closed his eyes slightly, like he was savoring the sound of his own name. he regarded you with a softness, slowly crossing the stables to you, “you know what i’m going to say.”
“i don’t need you to protect me…”
but he would. he always would… with everything in him.
“we may not come back here… have you said your goodbyes?”
he stood close enough that you could wrap your arms around him without taking a step forward. you nodded, eyes on him, looking into his own like only you were brave enough to do.
“there’s no one here for me.”
nothing.
you belonged with levi. whatever life threw at you…
levi looked like he wanted to scold you- knowing what you were implying by your words, your tone. he knew it was pointless. you are as stubborn as he was and twice as loyal. he had once yelled at you when you went rushing through a crowd of titans just to get to him. you were like a damn stray, he had screamed– too stupid and attached to know better than to leave. he had been terrified to lose you, though with him that came out as anger. fear couldn’t exist. caring more about you than himself couldn’t exist…
yet—
levi was silent most of the ride. it was the thing you could never quite bear with him… the footsteps of your horses echoed through the trees like an omen. too quiet. too still…
“we will make it as far as we can before nightfall.”
“make camp. i can keep watch…”
you nodded, though your thoughts were elsewhere. the leaves in the trees seemed to move unnaturally— as if they were waving goodbye or ushering you into a fate you always feared.
“what is it that you aren’t saying.”
he never said things as a question. he stated them, like he knew what you were thinking and he knew you were keeping it from him.
“do you think we’ll come back from this?”
“the end is in sight, i think. i have no intention of losing you now…”
your stomach gave a small twist in protest of levi breaking his rule of pretending not to care.
“and after the war?”
levi slowed his horse slightly to match yours, turning to look at you fully. his tired eyes settled on you like he was trying to solve a puzzle. like he wasn’t quite sure he followed…
“what will we do then? just… go on. like it never happened? like… friends didn’t die… we weren’t forced to see monstrosities every day…”
levi looked away from you, like he hadn’t even considered that. an after. a life without death and fighting and barely surviving.
“i don’t know.”
oh.
“do you still want that cabin by the lake?”
his words struck you so suddenly and sank so deep you nearly fell off your horse.
“i—“
you had mentioned that once. over ten years ago, when you were still naive and young enough to hope. in a world that was different where you hadn’t become a soldier before you ever had your first kiss.
“the cabin… in the woods, by the lake.”
“i know.”
levi hesitated, eyebrows furrowing slightly, “i didn’t mean to offend you… i didn’t think—“
“why do you remember that?”
your voice was dangerously close to shaking. you were dangerously close to slipping up. all because of a stupid dream you had had when you were twelve.
levi looked at you again, eyebrow raised as if he was confused by the question. you just looked at him, hoping your expression didn’t reflect all that you were feeling.
“i remember everything you say…”
and then suddenly there he was again. that boy from your childhood with the dark eyes and small smirk that could never be convincingly annoyed with you. the levi that would sneak pastries from baker carts and shyly bring you a handful of half dead wild flowers– weeds, really– while rolling his eyes when you made a big deal of it.
“levi—”
you shifted awake in alarm, eyes wide as you momentarily forgot your surroundings. levi’s eyes were already on you– they likely had been before you even woke up, just assuring himself your chest was still rising and falling and you were sleeping soundly.
“i’m here.”
his finger twitched as he fought the urge to get off his log and go to you. you had been shifting and muttering to yourself and levi ignored the twisting in his stomach that you were the first person he called for in fear—
your eyes dropped his gaze in embarrassment, shifting to your feet to poke at the fire and add more sticks. “i can take over…”
“no.”
levi didn’t sleep when it came to watches. especially if you were involved, he barely blinked, never looking away long enough to risk you disappearing.
you eyed him with a look that would have had an entire squadron trembling. levi just looked back with the same tired, unbothered stare.
“fine, then.” you paused by the tied horses to scratch their foreheads before joining levi on his rock, “i’ll sit with you.”
levi shifted slightly, looking away from you and turning his attention back to the fire, “okay.”
you wrapped your arms around yourself and curled your knees closer to your chest. even though he was looking anywhere but you, levi noticed. he stood to his feet and shrugged his jacket off. you turned to look at him as he was draping it over your shoulders. he said nothing, though his eyes met yours for a moment and softened. there was a softness behind the hard edges and exhaustion, a small glimmer of that faraway childhood.
“thank you.”
he just nodded, sitting beside you again, this time closer. his knee brushed against yours, shoulder to shoulder to provide some warmth. you shivered slightly, fighting the urge to sink into that warmth and familiarity against your side.
“you can sleep. i’ve got you.”
levi shifted just slightly and your head was on his shoulder. you shifted your head again to see he was already looking at you. he was so close your breath caught. his eyes reflected the fire, somehow making the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. his eyes dropped briefly to your lips and you opened your mouth to say something.
say your goodbyes.
you had only ever cared about losing one person… and he was here. now, with only you. how could you possibly ever say goodbye to him?
you shifted just slightly, watching levi do the same. your nose brushed against his, breath mingling as your eyes fluttered closed. there was a slow, sharp inhale like it hurt. the warmth against you disappeared as quickly as it was there. levi pulled away like you had stung him.
you flinched, scrambling to catch your breath as if you were suddenly falling. slightly dazed, you opened your eyes again to find him looking at you like he was about to scold a cadet.
“levi—“
“did you almost just do something stupid?”
you blinked. his words hit you like a bullet.
“i—“
“i’m going to walk the perimeter.”
levi stood up and the small distance between you leapt to a canyon. you watched him go with a tugging in your stomach, longing to just follow him. to grab him and finally close that gap…
“i’m sorry…”
you whispered it to no one. to yourself maybe— to levi, who had made as much space between you as possible.
you didn’t see the way levi had looked at you. the way he had almost leaned in. the way he was shaking to stop himself from doing so… his fist was clenched under his gloves as he pulled away, jaw clenched as he stood up and forced himself to walk away from the only thing that mattered to him.
the sun was just thinking about rising when your pillow started moving. “up, woman.” there was a groggy, yet almost amused tone. you squinted, lifting your head slightly and glancing around cluelessly. levi was looking down at you with furrowed eyebrows. he rolled his eyes slightly when you finally opened your eyes and met his stare. there was a flicker of amusement as his mouth twitched, “good morning, then. you sleep like the dead. it’s a marvel you ever wake up in time for anything…”
you realized, much later than you should have, that your pillow was levi’s leg and that you had no memory of falling asleep so close to him— on him.
“we should get going.”
you sat up, still groggy and slightly disoriented and wondering how you hand ended up using your captain as a pillow. and why he hadn’t shoved you off with an irritated grunt.
perhaps he should have. but as he watched you shift in your sleep and curl up around yourself like you were in pain— or perhaps cold— he couldn’t just sit there. goddamn him, he could never just sit there. he had joined up to protect you and that was still his priority. he shifted beside you with a shaking hand on your shoulder. you stilled in your sleep, muttering softer, shifting closer to the source of the comforting touch.
“levi?”
“i’m here. you can go back to sleep. i’ve got you.”
your head fell against his shoulder and your arm draped around his own. you reminded levi remarkably like a cat— one of the strays he would throw scraps to when he knew no one was looking— curled up against him, not shifting again. like the cats, he would look out for you while he could, taking care of you, hoping it would be enough for just one more day. unlike the cats, he had let himself get attached…
you had fallen— melted, really— from his shoulder to his lap, sinking into him like he was all the comfort you would ever need. his chest ached as his hand shook, fighting to reach out and comfort you. to hold you, pull you closer—
“we’d better go.”
levi brushed himself off as he stood to his feet, eyes once again towards where he was heading and not on you. they tended to linger when they were on you… distracting. dangerous.
he mounted his horse and didn’t bother waiting for you, though he glanced back once to assure you were following. he had not taken his cloak back from you and if he was cold he was never going to say it. it was long enough to cover your legs and part of your horse’s hindquarters. he would much rather have himself be cold than you.
you fell into motion with the movement of your horse, feeling your leg muscles slowly start to protest as the sun rose higher into the sky. you shifted in your saddle, wincing slightly as your seat bones began to feel numb. pulling your horse up besides levi, you pulled out an apple from your saddle bag. he eyed you, silently protesting. you pushed it towards him again with raised eyebrows, almost scolding.
levi looked at you with that same bored expression but took the apple without a remark. you fought back a smile as he ate it, knowing he was hungry but was going to save all the food for you.
“are you going to tell me where we’re going?”
“i quite like that you just follow me across country blindly.”
and you would. without question, you had.
“that’s my job, captain..”
levi glanced at you with a hint of amusement, “and if it wasn’t your job, lieutenant?”
you nudged your horse forward so he walked ahead of levi. so you didn’t have to look at him.
“you know the answer to that.”
because it had always been between you. unspoken and deep rooted— clawing its way through you no matter how much you shoved it down. it seemed to get stronger, more desperate— more dangerous, sometimes so strong that it hurt.
levi had saved his apple core and fed it to his horse when he dismounted hours later. there was still daylight left but he had muttered something about time schedules and better safe than sorry. you suspected he had wanted to give his horse a break and likely give you a break since he had kept glancing over with a sharp expression each time you shifted in the saddle or winced.
“stretch your legs.”
levi took your horse, sticking his elbow out slightly for her to rub her forehead against. your heart did a small somersault at his softness towards the horses as his gaze remained the same.
“is that an order, captain?”
but just standing felt so much better already. your legs shook slightly, feeling like jelly.
“it’s a request.”
you quirked your lip up and he almost did the same. every crack in his emotionless armor feeling like the small, nearly nonexistent hints of sunlight in the underground. flickers of hope. the smallest, tiniest fragments of a good future.
you nudged him slightly as you brushed past him. his hand closed on your elbow and you flinched, looking up at him.
“don’t go too far…”
another way of levi showing those cracks. that he did, despite everything and himself, still care.
“captain…”
all the titles and years of showing no signs of being close to each other had made using just his name feel wrong. forbidden and against every rule you had been drilled on.
levi eyed you, eyebrow lifted.
“levi.”
he seemed to relax just slightly, mouth twitching slightly, “yes, first lieutenant?” he sounded amused— scolding you for using his rank and title and then doing the same thing.
you almost laughed— something that seemed even more wrong in this world— eyeing him with a softness that he would never be used to.
“you should sleep.”
levi always looked exhausted. permanent dark circles under his dark eyes and pale complexion. he eyed you like you had done something stupid before shifting slightly and attending to the fire, “i’m fine.”
you reached for his hand gently, stopping him from poking at the fire further, “levi…” it was that tone you used when no one else was around. the cautious, gentle scold when he was close to pushing himself too far once again. he eyed you, sharp and almost hesitant.
“i don’t take orders from you—“
you held a hand up, “levi.” it was the tone only you would ever get away with using on him. there was a flicker of something in his eyes— irritation, certainly- but also something deeper. that recognition and acceptance that you were still looking out for him. still caring.
“are you positive you will be alright?”
you eyed him with a tired, slightly exasperated glance. you had, remarkably, survived nights without him. nights where you were the highest rank and kept watch over an entire troop…
“only an hour… wake me up at the first sign of anything.”
“get to sleep, levi…”
you watched him shoot you a final indignant glare before shifting slightly and slumping back against the tree. a small part of you longed for him to rest against you like you had him— to show that small, casual display of affection. to make that move towards you and not only allow you to pass out against him. levi still looked stiff and on high alert as he closed his eyes but a deep sigh told you he was trying.
“don’t wander.”
he peered at you with one sharp eye, somehow still giving you orders while falling asleep. he did eventually fall asleep— or at least looked very convincing while faking– and almost looked peaceful. his color returned slightly the longer he slept and you let more than just his promised hour pass. you knew he would scold you and likely give you a full lecture, but he looked so peaceful. the firefight flickered gently, reflecting his sharp features that had been worn entirely too much for twenty odd years.
you had nearly made it to thirty— something neither of you would have ever bet on. the image of an older levi popped into your head and your stomach twisted. grey hairs dotting his rich black— the very beginnings of wrinkles that would never be from smiles… a future. a future where maybe he would eventually smile— he would rest. he finally feel safe enough to let go…
there was a ring on his finger in the vision suddenly and you were hit with such a strong wave of nausea that you lurched forward. something in your chest broke— your stomach twisted as your hands started shaking. you curled up against yourself, suddenly unable to breathe. your heart was racing, breaths unable to come fully— your vision danced as you gasped for air in short bursts.
there was movement behind you and you were barely aware of the hand on your shoulder.
“breathe,” levi said your name and the ache seemed to worsen. he was kneeling then, eyes level with you in a worried expression that betrayed his usual collection. “breathe.” his tone was sharper— desperate to pull you out of whatever this was. you closed your eyes tightly, feeling tears stinging in your eyes against the sudden panic that wouldn’t release its hold.
“look at me.”
you nearly collapsed into him with the weight of it. you gasped for air, reaching for your chest as if you could manually make your lungs work.
“look at me, goddamn it.”
your forced your chin to lift— eyes shut against the waves that threatened to drown you.
“now. open your fucking eyes.”
you did, nearly startled at his sudden closeness. levi was inches from you- closer than even the time you had almost kissed him— he said your name then and your breathing slowed.
“are you with me?”
you nodded, leaning forward until your head was almost against his chest. his hands were on your shoulders still; grip firm and tight enough to ground you. to keep your focus on him.
“what the hell was that?”
you just shook your head, screwing your eyes shut once again. levi got mean when he got scared- his tone would get sharper, his words even more blunt.
“did you fall asleep? was this another nightmare?”
he didn’t seem angry— he had beaten scouts bloody for falling asleep on watch, reminding them to never let sleep win over keeping the squadron safe. but he wasn’t angry now…
he was worried.
you would have almost preferred getting yelled at. that ache returned, slamming into you like a brick wall. you cursed and reached for your chest once again, demanding that your body listen to you—
“are you hurt?”
levi had shifted closer, hands now on your arm and side, searching for any sign of injury. heat spread through you and you stumbled backwards, ripping away from him.
“i’m sorry—“
levi stood with you, eyebrows furrowed, dark eyes wide; searching you like he couldn’t understand what was happening. he followed you again, “i need you to tell me what the fuck is going on.” his voice shook slightly and you realized he was scared— that something was very wrong with you and he couldn’t figure out what—
“i’m okay… i’m sorry— i—“
levi had his hand in your forehead— so suddenly that you nearly flinched. his eyebrows were furrowed, expression pale, eyes darting back and forth along your face, searching for the problem. he placed his thumb below your eye gently, slowly pulling it down to search for signs of a head injury. you closed your hand around his wrist and he froze, eyes darting to meet yours, “sit down.”
“i’m fine, levi—“
“sit your ass down now or i’ll write you up. that’s an order.”
goddamn him.
he knelt down in front of you once again, following you as you sat. his eyes stayed locked on you as you forced your breaths to stay calm.
“there you go…” his own voice began to steady, keeping his hold on you securely. he was still knelt in front of you, hands on both arms, keeping you grounded, almost holding you like he was the one worried. “breathe,” he said your name again and you looked up at him.
once again levi was entirely too close. dangerously close, once again lighting that unspoken thing between you. his eyes drifted over your face like he was assuring you were alright once more. he shifted his glance over the trees and straightened slightly, “i am going to go clean up in that ravine.” you followed his gaze over your shoulder. “come with me. i want you close.”
he stood, pausing to hold his arm out steadily for you to pull yourself up with. you trailed behind him, still feeling slightly dizzy, still feeling that your heart beat was still not as steady as it should have been.
“i thought the panic attacks stopped.”
levi didn’t stop to glance at you as he unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged it off his shoulders. his words caught you off guard but their weight seemed to dissipate as you took his his bare back and your eyes followed the curves of his shoulders.
levi glanced over his shoulder to catch you staring and his mouth twitched up. your face flushed and you threw your gaze to your feet. levi smirked to himself, choosing for once not to say anything. his chest constricted slightly and that ugly longing he had known returned. it twisted in his stomach, crawling up and expanding in his chest before trying to claw itself out of his throat.
“come over here.”
your heart leapt, red cheeks suddenly flushing even more. you shrugged off your jacket and boots and trailed behind him, suddenly shy and awkward. levi glanced at you, one eyebrow raised. you realized with even more of a blush that his pants had been discarded on the ground and he was deep enough in the water now that you had no idea if he had anything on at all.
“are you embarrassed of me, lieutenant?”
you straightened your shoulders, trying not to shrink under his intense stare. “no, sir.”
“after everything you’ve seen, you’re suddenly squeamish shen it comes to nudity?”
you nearly choked on your breath. you had seen entire squadrons bathe in bodies of water. sometimes stripping frantically in the middle of camp to scrub their comrades dried blood off of them. you had no shame in it. you had nothing to be embarrassed by… but levi. it had never been casual with levi. levi, who had only ever let you see that interior. who allowed you past the cracks and the terrifying outward presence.
“do you remember when you got bit by that water snake?”
your body nearly recoiled on itself just at the memory. levi had stood guard while you bathed in the small body of water that night. he had ordered the entire scout troop to keep their backs turned upon the threat of death. he had heard you scream and gone diving in after you without even knowing what was waiting for him.
“are you cautioning me about going in too deep or asking me to warn you of any snakes?”
he had carried you out of that water and sucked the venom out of your ankle, all while still commanding an entire squadron to keep their backs turned. he had spat the venom out and draped his cloak over you then as if it had been nothing at all. the medic was ordered to tend to you once you were covered in someone else’s shirt and wrapped in his cloak.
“no… i’m remembering how you looked at me like i could make it all better. like i was the only one who could…”
your stomach twisted as you kept your eyes on his shoulders. he never looked at you when he spoke about things that were important. you had at first thought it was because he was embarrassed at the thought of being so worried and caring so much. you had come to realize that he couldn’t— because when he did he thought too little, he felt too much and he almost allowed himself to be swept up into all of it.
“i think that scares me more than anything.”
you had joined him in the water, keeping your undergarments on just so you could avoid feeling completely vulnerable to him. it was bad enough when he looked at you like that— but to really see you. to see you and know that one wrong move would complicate everything even more. it would be so easy…
“i don’t know if i can protect you anymore. days are coming when… if i’m not there— i won’t trust anyone else to do it.”
“levi—“ he was crossing that dangerous line again.
“i tried to get you reassigned. to be my first instead of…”
your chest ached.
“you’re too strong. of course others need you. selfishly, i…”
“levi. can you look at me?”
he didn’t at first. shoulders tight and tense, breaths coming in slow, deliberate drags. but he lifted his eyes and his dark eyes met yours, rooting him to the spot.
“it just appears that i need you too… i never used to think i needed anyone. but then you’re away for days… and i never know if you’ll come back— if your squadron can keep you protected if the absolute worst were to happen…”
you moved closer to him and he didn’t move away this time.
“i joined for you, you know. yes, i was forced to— but then i got thinking about it… a military captain. i could do something good… i could protect you and have it mean something. i could keep you safe and keep you close… i could get a ring and—“
you nearly slipped on a mossy rock and fell into him—
“if things were different. if you hadn’t followed me… i- if i didn’t have to worry about you more than i already did… if i could just know—“
“levi.”
you said his name like he needed to hear it. like he was drifting into his thoughts and slowly being pulled away once again— you crossed that final space between you and closed your hand over his. his eyes widened slightly but he didn’t pull away. tired eyes looked back at you and you saw everything reflected in them. fear, exhaustion. the weight of trying to carry everything and only letting you in when pushed…
“i’m right here.”
for a moment his gaze softened— his eyes drifted to your own again before dropping to your lips. for a moment it would all be worth it— a kiss that had waited for ages— a night that would express everything that had been buried and desperately trying to claw its way to the surface. that longing…
that love—
levi almost let himself lean in. he almost let himself crash into you with the desperation and hunger of a man who had no restraint or self control. like a man who had not been through hell just to keep breathing—
“i know.”
he stepped back just as he was about to lean in. the gesture felt like being pushed from a cliff. the foot he backed up may as well have been a cavern—
your knees shook slightly as you almost fell face first into the water after him. nausea washed through you again and you fought against the sudden urge to throw up. you scrubbed yourself aimlessly before trudging back onto the rocky shore. levi exhaled slowly, rubbing his face in frustration, cursing himself in every language he knew. the look on your face would be another to visit him in his restless sleep— that haunted, surprised, almost empty expression each time he got too close just to shut it down.
coward.
the word echoed in his head like a gun shot.
he debated dunking his head under the water just to quiet the taunting. just to silence the noise— with a final curse, he turned back to the shore and stormed back towards you. he wouldn’t even bother getting dressed— he would grab you by the back of the head and crash his lips against yours— he would pin your against a tree and apologize for how rough and rushed his kisses were. because he was starving— he was desperate and needy for you and he was sorry—
levi froze, eyes narrowing against the trees. he said your name slowly. his pants were already back on when he realized you must have headed back to the horses— he said your name again, louder— more desperate.
he could hear it already. the footsteps. the creaking of trees.
levi took off at a run— gritting his teeth against the voices that told him he was too slow. that he would be too late— horses broke through the trees, already near a gallop, straining their heads to escape the approaching abnormal. levi leapt and swung onto his horse, shifting forward as his horse increased speed. “good boy,” he muttered against his horse’s neck as he rubbed a single stroke against his mane. he looked over to you, so relieved he nearly laughed. your eyes were sharp, looking ahead with a cross expression.
“they won’t make it through that water— not before—“
trees were uprooted behind you as a scream filled the air. your horse snorted and jumped forward, while levi’s remained unshakable,
“get between me and the river. look for a shallow spot—“
the ground shook as the titan gained speed, eyes locked on the two of you like it was already celebrating its meal.
“take my horse.”
“levi—“
before you could argue, levi fired his odm gear and disappeared into the trees. the titan slowed momentarily, apparently mesmerized by levi. it turned its head, mouth gaping. you increased your speed and the titan followed. he stumbled slightly as he switched speed so quickly— hand outstretched entirely too close. you urged your mare forward, cursing to yourself, feeling your heart racing in your throat. a hand swiped as the titan dove onto its stomach.
you were hurled forward, over your horse’s shoulder. levi’s horse kept running, disappearing into the safety of the trees. nausea swept through you as pain struck your leg. the titan, once again rising to his feet had slowed to a walk. there was a short whirr through the air, a splatter of blood and the titan collapsed onto the ground. it didn’t move again as levi peered at you from the nape of the titan’s neck.
too slow. he had been too damn slow. but as he looked at you, his stomach twisted. he said your name— much more desperate than he had intended. he was running— sliding to his knees beside you. his hand was on your back. turning you to face him. there was a scrape on your cheek from where you had slid over the rocks, your leg was bent at an odd angle and tears streaked your face. levi fought a wave of nausea at seeing you hurt— his biggest fear, his only fear-
“my horse…” your voice shook, cracking as emotion took over.
levi lifted his head, realizing your tears weren’t for you. your brown mare’s sides heaved a few feet away. blood streaked the ground where she had skidded. her ribs were uneven, broken in a few places from the impact. her hind leg was bent at a sick angle, snapped in two beneath her.
you stumbled to your hands and knees and crawled to your mare, tears blurring your eyes. levi fought back a wave of emotion at seeing you like this— heartbroken, injured— crying more for your horse than yourself.
“you know what has to be done…”
he tried to sound gentle- he hoped he sounded apologetic.
your hand shook, closing around your revolver.
you couldn’t.
you had taken so many lives— titan and human. to hold a barrel against the pretty white markings of your faithful mare…
“she saved your life by throwing you.”
you tensed slightly, feeling a sudden wave of anger. he was being so insensitive— so real… always so real.
“if she hadn’t, you would be dead… she was hit right where you would have been sitting.”
nausea roared through you and you buried your face in her mane once more. your hand was shaking too much to pull the trigger— your closed your eyes and whispered apologies. her ears flicked towards you and you knew she was listening. her eyes were wide, breath labored against the pain.
levi put a hand on your wrist, lowering your hand. you looked up at him, wide eyed. “look away,” he said your name softly, this time comforting. you still just stared at him, mouth gaping with words that didn’t come.
“look away,” levi said your name again, this time firmer. it was the tone he used to give an order you never agreed with— one that he hated just as much and would live with forever…
you stood to your feet and closed your eyes, not bothering to fight the tears that fell. “go wait by cavalier.”
levi’s black stallion had returned, awaiting patiently by the treeline. his ears were flicked gently towards his rider and his fallen companion and you knew the stallion understood as well as you did. he nuzzled your shoulder gently as you buried your face against his mane and cried. the gunshot rang out like a cannon, making you flinch. your tears fell harder and suddenly you felt the weight of every loss in your life. levi’s chest was against your back then, hand on your bicep. there was something in his hand, you realized through the tears. he had cut a strand of your mare’s tail for you and that’s when you really lost it.
his arms were open before you brought yourself to even speak. you threw yourself against his chest and his arms closed around you like he had been waiting. he held you like a vice, squeezing tightly against the cries that shook you.
“i’m sorry…” levi rested his forehead against the top of your head, closing his own eyes against the sound of your heartache. “she saved you… she knew what she was doing… that horse was more loyal than half the men i see… she deserves better. i gave her what i could…”
you clung to levi so desperately that his chest hurt. this was the hold you would have on him when he returned injured. when you would refuse to leave his side and clung to him like you were terrified he would disappear. like he meant something— like he meant everything—
he was the only one that had ever made the pain go away. in every situation, he had forced you to keep going. sometimes dragging you, kicking and screaming into another day. this time he held you in silence, not offering any other words of comfort or praise for your beloved horse. you knew he was sorry. you knew he cared— but god, how thankful he was that it had been your horse and not you…
“i’m sorry…” levi finally spoke after what felt like an hour, “do what you need to do… but we’d better get moving again…” you lifted your head from his chest slowly, wiping at your eyes. it seemed pathetic, suddenly, to be crying over your horse but be so numb and immune to death—
“what will— i… we didn’t bring a spare horse…”
levi sent a sad glance towards your mare, “you’ll ride with me.” you glanced up at him, hand resting on his stallion’s mane, “i—“
“cavalier can handle it.”
levi mounted his horse and held his hand out to you, eyes softening as he took you in. you closed your hand around his and climbed on behind him. you shifted slightly, chest pressed against his back.
“hold onto me,” he spoke your name again, softer. reassuring. your arms wrapped around his waist and you closed your eyes. you let yourself melt against him, carried by the movement of the horse. for now this was good enough… for now you could hold him. you would hide your face against his back, letting the pain in your leg overtake the aching in your chest until you knew nothing else.
“wake up, first lieutenant…”
you shifted against something soft, face pressed into a pillow as you tried to understand your surroundings. “levi?”
“the captain isn’t here.”
you sat up, eyes widening slightly as you grasped to ground yourself, “gone?”
“yes, lieutenant… he should be back by tomorrow.”
“where is he?”
“the captain wouldn’t tell anyone. he took two men with him and left three days ago.”
“three days ago?”
“yes, lieutenant. you’ve been unconscious for four days… the captain came in with you at breakneck speed. his poor horse was exhausted, but he didn’t stop until you were taken by the medical team.”
nausea surged through you again as you moved to stand. you were draped in levi’s cape and a warmth spread through your chest. your leg was in a cast, you realized with a sickening drop of your stomach. you stared down at the offending leg with disgust.
“just a small dislocation… should be all healed up in no time…”
you sighed deeply, shifting to stand on shaking legs. you adjusted levi’s cloak tighter around yourself, “what are my orders?”
“captain instructed you to rest until he returns.”
you scoffed, smiling to yourself. of course he did…
“no other news, ma’am.”
“take me to the commander—“
the man saluted you and tensed slightly, wincing, “sorry, ma’am, but captain instructed me to make sure you don’t go looking for an assignment.”
your glare sharpened and he flinched, “and i am ordering you to—“
“apologies, ma’am. i take my orders from higher up.”
you muttered and sighed, feeling too tired to argue.
“captain said you are permitted to walk around if you are careful and you may check on his horse if you wanted to…”
his horse.
he had left cavalier here to recover…
you were half asleep with a book propped against your leg. the sun streamed through your window, much more comforting and misleading than the world outside. the words on the paper bled together and you had no recollection of what you were reading. the sun shifted outside and you closed your eyes.
your door opened sometime later and you flinched slightly, “you’d better have something important to say, or i’ll have you court martialed—“
“and here i thought you would be happy to see me…”
you opened your eyes to levi, who was smirking just slightly, hand still on the doorknob. you sat up instantly, so quickly your head spun.
“i take it that idiot didn’t tell you not to read.”
you glanced down at your book and lifted your eyebrows, “he said i was to rest and that i may have only the company of cavalier.”
levi smirked faintly, “you have a concussion. you’re not meant to strain your eyes… i will have a word with him.”
you shifted, just noticing the blood on his clothes. you stood to your feet and levi’s eyes softened. the exhaustion was suddenly more prominent— the composure he so meticulously kept faltered.
“i’m the only one who returned…”
your heart sank as you closed the gap between you. levi said nothing but you knew the look in his eye. the tiredness in his eyes, the strain on his face. the constant loss, the death that always surrounded him and followed him to every corner of the world. the way he forced himself to keep going. to shrug it off and carry the weight like a motivation instead of an anchor.
“i’m sorry…”
“i came back to you… that was all i—“
but then he was kissing you.
he was on you so suddenly and so strongly that you could have swore you slipped into a dream. his hand was on the back of your neck, dragging you into him. his other hand on your hip, grinding your hips against his with agonizing deliverance. your lips parted as his hand slid through your hair, tugging slightly before tightening his hold at the side of the base of your throat. you breathed out shakily, desperate and already slipping.
you had waited— you had longed for this— for him. it would always have been him. it would only have been him… you let your head fall back as levi all but devoured you. there was a precision in the way he kissed you— like he was savoring it, memorizing you— learning you. noting all the ways to earn a small, needy sigh. his thumb stroked against the side of your jaw, squeezing just slightly until you were putty against him. your mouth moved against his, shifting as he directed, groaning as he bared into you with all the messy yearning he had been burying.
“stay right here…”
his fingers tangled through your hair, breath shaky.
“i’m going go clean up…”
but you weren’t letting him go. so many years of almost— not quite— so agonizingly close just to never reach— your hand tightened against his shoulder blades. you gritted your teeth before deepening the kiss, daring to let your hand slide up his hair. it earned a shaky sigh as that meticulous, militarian control started to slip.
he would never get into bed without being clean. he would never scatter his clothes about on the floor—
“i’m going to take care of you first…”
you unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and his breath caught. you placed a slow, deliberate kiss against his chest as his head fell forward onto your shoulder.
“stop…” but he said your name like a plea, breath shaking, arms trembling slightly as he reached to cup your face. “look at me.”
you lifted your face from his chest, prying your mouth off his skin. he tasted clean. the faintest hint of sweat— blood appearing to only get on his clothes and the faintest bit on his cheek and forehead.
your eyes met his timidly. his expression nearly broke you as he took you in. he shifted just slightly, once again tilting his head back to meet your lips.
“i love you.”
he didn’t pull away. the kiss deepened, pulling away only to inhale slowly. you closed your eyes against him, feeling the waves inside you begin to rage. to wash over you threatening to drown you. you would let them— you would let yourself drown in him…
finally.
a tidal wave crashed over you as he finally pulled away, still pinning you between him and the mattress. his breath was steady and controlled, though it shook slightly. you curved up into him, eyes tight against the feel of him—
finally.
it would only ever have been him—
he buried his face in the crook of your neck, hair falling against your shoulder, “i’ve always loved you… i would rather love you now than keep pretending i don’t… to spend whatever time we have… we could have—“
you shifted just enough to make him look at you. his eyes were dark— glossy, hungry with something you hadn’t seen from him.
“i know. you’re here now… we’re here now— even after everything…”
levi kissed you once more, eyes fluttering shut like he was convincing himself this was real. that you were real. that you were still here. that you were his…
“i’ll make it up to you…”
“you don’t need to do anything—“
“let me show you…”
“levi.”
your hand brushed through his hair, he looked at you through heavy eyelids and a dark expression.
“just let me take care of you for once…”
you shifted cautiously until you were straddling him. hands gentle as you traced his scars, wiped the blood from his chin, brushed his blood crusted hair from his eyes, “please…”
levi had closed his eyes against your touch, though his eyes snapped opened at your plea. he looked at you through heavy lids, “do your worst to me…”
your mouth twitched up as your lips brushed his again. your palm rested against his chest, finger tracing a scar gently, you melted into him once more and for now, finally, everything outside disappeared.
