i get more ass than a toilet seat @deadpooly - Tumblr Blog

In my defense for being late with this, the HEATED RIVALRY fandom has been putting out not just bangers, but longfic bangers that update regularly, where multiple fantastic authors are still in their feverdream state and I am but a simple reader who is trying desperately to keep up. It's so far beyond being a problem that it's wrapped back around into being the best thing pretty much ever! I still can't believe this fandom that had like 2k fics when I joined will soon have 20,000 fics, what a time to be in a fandom!

This set has a whole bunch of fics that changed my brain chemistry, like that incredible Irina fic or that fic that humanized Alexei for me and now I can't go back or the Bears sort-of-not-really kidnapping Shane because the Voyageurs suck or some absolutely incredible explorations of Ilya's self-harm tendencies or the funniest Kip portrayal I've ever read or Shane being a competitive freak vs being a horny freak for his husband: FIGHT, all of it is absolutely wrecking my id. Nobody save me, I'm exactly where I want to be. HEATED RIVALRY - NO I WON’T BE CHILL ABOUT THE GAY HOCKEY PLAYERS SHOW:

Sinking While Swimming by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle, ilya/shane & hayden & alexei & svetlana & cast, 28.2k “Maybe you don't have to-” “Uh-uh. No backtracking now.” Hayden pointed a finger at him. “If you tell Shane, fantastic. Would love that, quite frankly, but until you do, I want those goddamn pictures, Rozanov. Am I clear?” Ilya wanted to make some quip about Pike trying to get a different kind of picture out of him, but given the circumstances... He just nodded. “Good. My kids tragically love the fuck out of you, so figure this out.” Ilya nodded again. “Alright then.”

Mama's Boy, Mama's Boy by WhimperSoldier, ilya/shane & irina & cast, NSFW, 68.3k Shane's first mistake was going to talk to Ilya Rozanov before their game. His second was immediately, stupidly, meeting the eyes of Rozanov’s very much dead mother hovering at his side.

(We Could Be) Something Great by Anonymous, ilya/shane & bears, nsfw, 77k wip When Ilya Rozanov goes down on the ice, the Boston Bears are already moving to defend their captain. No one expects Shane Hollander, captain of the Montreal Voyageurs, to be the one who throws the first punch. Or: the Boston Bears figure out Ilya and Shane’s relationship first—and decide that instead of letting their captain move to fucking Ottawa, they’ll just kidnap a his boyfriend instead. Shane Hollander would make a better Bear anyway.

tongues a-wagging by Anonymous, ilya/shane & oc & cast, 29k Barstool Sports Canada reports that Montreal Metros captain Shane Hollander has started learning Russian from new teammate and Russian rookie Sergei Dovonchezky. Ilya has some thoughts. None of them are particularly kind.

Live Through This (And You Won't Look Back) by Snaptic, ilya/shane & scott/kip & hayden & cliff & j.j. & cast, 49.9k Shane rolls onto his side and stares at the faint outline of the window. The darkness presses in, but it doesn’t feel as suffocating as usual. Before he can talk himself out of it, he reaches for his phone. The screen lights up the room, too bright. His thumb hovers for a second, then he opens the thread. Shane: I think we should tell Scott.

let me give you innovation (got that good good) by splatticus, ilya/shane & centaurs, NSFW, 9.6k wip Ilya can't keep out of the box, so he's not allowed to put it in anymore.

A Sacred Ottawa-Pike Peace Treaty by Mooeyeddie (mooeyeddie), ilya/shane & hayden, 9k Forced into ridiculous ‘bonding’ playdates by their spouses, Ilya and Hayden are adamant about doing it their own way

Grady v. Rozanov by Pickle_Chips, ilya/shane & scott/kip, nsfw, 19.9k Kip can't believe no one else can tell how outrageously gay Ilya Rozanov is, but he's not complaining, he's happy to have someone else to talk to at all the hockey functions. Or: Perfect gaydar haver Ilya Rozanov finally gets a taste of his own medicine. A series of looks into Kip and Ilya's friendship, starting after the cottage.

A Dozen Forget-Me-Nots by technicallyverycowboy, ilya/shane & hayden/jackie & hayden/shane, 6.2k Hayden coughs up the first petals the night Shane's trade to Ottawa is announced. Hayden doesn't have hanahaki and if he does, it's purely platonic and if it's not, nobody ever has to know. Especially not Shane.

Pull it Off by smugrobotics, shane(/ilya) & oc, 1.2k Shane hires a stylist.

shane hollander boy kisser confirmed! by chuyasexual, ilya/shane & hayden/shane & hayden/jackie & centaurs, 16.1k In 2021, Shane Hollander reveals his relationship with former rival Ilya Rozanov to the shock of chronically online people worldwide, who’ve spent the last decade convincing the world he’s secretly in love with his teammate Hayden Pike

you're gonna go far, we'll all be here by writinginasnowglobe, ilya/shane & luca & centaurs & ocs, 3k Ilya: everyone welcome luca haas new rookie 🫨 Ilya: i gave him all your numbers do not introduce yourself Ilya: i do not need phone buzzing i am busy

One for the Road by PastyPirate, ilya/shane & centaurs, NSFW, 28.4k “You can’t go two weeks without fucking me anyways,” Shane heard himself saying, and instantly felt like he’d chosen the wrong dialogue option. He should’ve said something like I’d like to see all the ways you can figure it out or maybe not sharing a room has never stopped us before. Ilya let out a laugh, “Please, you beg for me all the time.” “I’m not the one who can’t go more than a day without jerking off —” shut up Hollander, SHUT UP “I can totally go two weeks without fucking.”

The chips are set to fall by icopythefax, ilya/shane & scott & cast, 17.8k wip At the 2017 All Star Weekend, Ilya takes fate into his own hands to produce at least one out MLH player by the end of the season. Thus begins his part-time side hustle as community organizer, mastermind, and Commander-in-Chief of the Gay Hockey Army.

The Condom Cartel by CognitiveMiser, ilya/shane & ocs, 5k Team Canada is undefeated, the Olympic Village is buzzing, and Shane Hollander just wants to focus on hockey. Unfortunately, his husband has discovered capitalism. When the Olympic Committee announces a condom shortage across the Village, Shane assumes it’s just another chaotic headline in an already surreal tournament. What he does not expect is to discover that Ilya Rozanov has been quietly selling their unused “complimentary health supplies” to stressed-out rookies and possibly half the international athletes...for five euros each.

Scotty Didn’t Know (but he sure does now) by halfbaked_ziti, ilya(/shane) & scott, 1.8k “You have problem, you bring it to me,” Rozanov growled. “Not him. Me. I am not so easy of a target, not like boring Canadians. And you keep that shit off the ice. Chirping, yes, fine. Not that. Never that. You are older than the game of hockey, should understand difference by now.” Canadians? “Wait,” Scott said slowly. “Is this about what I said to Hollander the other day?”

bad bluetooth by goldengalaxies, ilya/shane & hayden & j.j., 1.8k “You have a message from: Lily.” The automated voice read out. Shane almost swerved into the other lane trying to press the mute button on the dashboard.

Our Cup Runneth Over by Ottawacentaursstan, ilya/shane & centaurs, 6.9k The rise and fall of a Cool Party Guy (aka the Centaurs win the Stanley Cup and Shane gets uncharacteristically drunk to celebrate)

Wrap It Up by alchemystique, ilya/shane & scott & wyatt & cast, 3.1k The Olympic Village runs out of condoms on day three. Luckily for Olympians, Shane Hollander took note of exactly how often this has happened previously.

I can see it, your face is glowin' by joldiego, shane(/ilya) & hayden(/jackie), 4k Shane is stooped over to strap on his shin guards when his phone buzzes once in Hayden’s hand. He doesn’t mean to tap the notification. And oh god, does he wish he could un-tap the fucking notification. Because why the fuck has Lily, Shane’s mysterious Boston hook-up of several years (no matter how fervently he denies it), sent him a picture of a fucking sonogram. Black and white, blurry, and undeniably baby-shaped.

MORE RECS UNDER THE CUT because I have some fucking manners. Sometimes.

No Angry Kitten by AkirasStories, ilya/shane, 2.1k ilya sends shane yet another picture of an angry kitten. (a texting & social media fic)

oh my god you should see your faces by writinginasnowglobe, ilya/shane & hayden & scott & centaurs, 13.2k wip A few months after the FanMail incident, Yuna Hollander decides to do what she does best. With the added benefit of having another son to lovingly manage, of course. The internet, unsurprisingly, loses its shit. Or, Shane and Ilya go on the press run to end all press runs, courtesy of Yuna Hollander.

Gotta catch 'em all. by mnamosyna, ilya(/shane) & cliff & oc, 1.8k CLIFF: I think my rookie may be one of yours. ILYA: Russian? CLIFF: No, dumbass. Gay. Marlow accidently helps Ilya add to his collection of hockey queers.

Statement for Immediate Release by katie_606, ilya/shane & hayden & farah & yuna & harris, ~1k Shane feels it necessary to release a subsequent statement following too many people questioning his on ice integrity against Ilya. But he does it on Instagram where the comments go a little wild, thanks mostly to Ilya.

shane hollander's guide to bottom prep by bisexualbuckley, ilya/shane, NSFW, 13k Ilya shrugs and runs his hand from Shane’s waist down to his ass and back up. “But you are so good at it. What is English saying? Having it with science?” “Having it down to a science.”

I saw your face and you blew my mind by juniperjensen, ilya/shane, 1.8k It's that one Reddit post where the guy wakes up from surgery and doesn't remember his wife. But make it Hollanov. That's it.

The Heat by dntat, ilya/shane, NSFW, omegaverse, 6.2k The flight home seemed to take forever. So did the drive, even as he broke every speed limit. His hand was shaking when he tried to get the key in the door. Once, twice, he missed. Then it was flung open. Shane was standing there. He was dressed only in the smallest pair of briefs, the black fabric stretched over the curve of his muscular thighs and ass. A fine sheen of sweat covered his skin and his chest was heaving with shallow, panting breaths. His eyes were hazy and dark. He smelled like sweat and sweetness and Shane. Like everything Ilya had ever wanted since he was just a boy of seventeen. Or: Shane's suppressants are failing.

English Lessons with Ilya by taliiaa, ilya/shane & luca, 1.1k Luca: if we are holding our horses that means we want to go outside? Luca: take a break and go see animals? Ilya: yes Ilya: exactly

Lily & Jane Take Over Twitter by winter1477, ilya/shane & centaurs, nsfw, 4.6k The hockey twitter world explodes when a new Shane fan account under the name "Lily" pops up. And all she tweets about is how bad she wants to fuck Shane Hollander.

MINE MINE MINE by Anonymous, ilya/shane & david/yuna, 3.6k “So,” Yuna says, as she polishes off her third glass of cabernet. “When are you boys going to get started on kids?” Shane chokes on his tiramisu. - Or: Maybe Shane doesn’t want kids.

20 Questions & Mutual Destruction in Elevator 2T by fringe_problems, ilya(/shane) & scott(/kip), 3.6k Ilya takes out his phone and swipes to Jane and types quickly, eyes on Hunter: I am trapped in elevator. With Scott Hunter. I am coming soon as I can. Shane responds immediately: Please don’t kill Scott Hunter

Shane Hollander, Man Who Would Eat Hockey If He Could by elumish, ilya/shane & scott & centaurs, 2k [Scott Hunter]: thanks [Shane]: I meant it. [Scott Hunter]: I know [Shane]: Please don’t have sex in the locker room. [Scott Hunter]: lol (or: four moments throughout the years, as seen through the eyes of the camera)

Vibrate by NotEvenCloseToStraight, ilya/shane, NSFW, 6.6k One day, Shane will learn not to take the “you are scared.” bait from Ilya. Today is not that day.

Snowed In by Evilharlowe, ilya/shane, 4.5k Shane and Ilya sneak away to a cottage for a rare weekend together. Then the snow starts falling, and it doesn't stop.

Scott Hunter Night by that1friendguy, ilya(/shane) & scott(/kip), 1.9k Ilya Rozanov was perhaps the last person Scott expected to show up at his impromptu Hunter Night. After post season awards. In a gay bar. Which could mean nothing.

Did he just…? by anarchyat4am, ilya(/shane) & scott(/kip), 1.2k Rozanov flinches when a loud laugh breaks the white noise from the party inside, and Scott realises that Rozanov’s been doing the same thing he has all these years: cataloguing who is or isn’t safe, watching, noticing, waiting.

meat ugly by thathastu, ilya/shane, 1.7k When Ilya agreed to let Shane adopt a cat to join their family, he did not expect Shane to fall in love with a hairless cat named Pork, the fattest, meanest, and ugliest creature that the shelter had to offer. And he certainly didn't expect for Pork to be his sworn nemesis.

Peeled Rotisserie Chicken by Nimming, ilya/shane, nsfw, 1.4k Moving back to the cottage meant relaxing and spending every second with his husband. Instead, he's having to fight for attention. Insert a two step plan for Ilya to steal back his husband's affection.

finsta by Marmeladeskies, ilya/shane & centaurs, nsfw, 1.7k LaPointe tries to catch him, but Holmberg leaps from his chair, holding his phone high and reading the post out loud so everyone can hear. “-following her from his main professional account. The transgender creator specializes in-” All heads whip around. Shane quickly grabs the laptop because Ilya is already on his feet, reaching for LaPointe who, Shane thinks, is seconds away from punching Holmberg to stop him from reading more.

Hacked by Masterless, ilya/shane & david/yuna, 2.1k Heated Rivalry AU where the relationship reveal happens because David Hollander's phone gets hacked and approximately 5,000 pictures and videos of Shane and Ilya being cute (both together and individually) get dumped onto the internet.

10,000 Condoms for Russia's Greatest Love Machine by Lexi_Leckstar, ilya/shane & oc, nsfw, 2.2k Or: At the 2026 Winter Olympics, Ilya doesn't get paired to room with Shane because of the Coach's stupid 'no-sex rule'

like the back of my hand by xianvar, ilya/shane & hayden, 1.3k Hayden is the person who knows Shane best. Even if he sometimes feels like he doesn’t know him at all. Surely, that fear won’t be proven right after Shane’s concussion… right?

the tape measure incident by 17darwinism, ilya/shane & centaurs, 1.3k Harris does the tape measure TikTok trend on the Centaurs, and he learns more than he ever wanted to know. But at least the internet seems to love it.

Let’s stay professional by jumpsuit_en (jumpsuit), ilya/shane & centaurs, 2.8k Calling your own spouse a coward in public takes nerve. Goading a three-time Stanley Cup champion takes another kind. Ilya Rozanov is the only player capable of unlocking both achievements in one breath. Or: Shane’s first day on the Ottawa Centaurs, and Ilya supporting him in his unique way.

Washed Up, Irrelevant by lavery, ilya/shane & centaurs, 1.3k “The third player.” Shane clarified, “In the big three of active players? I mean it’s me and Ilya, right?” Amelia nodded mutely whilst Luca Haas, who had been asked the question, stared at Shane with wide eyes. “So, who’s the third?” Shane’s face took on a contemplative look. “Scott Hunter?” Amelia said with confusion. “Hunter?” Shane looked surprised. “Why?” Across the room Roz let out a bark of laughter.

the pda police by goldengalaxies, ilya/shane & centaurs, 1.6k Roz We are good looking and married and in love, is normal to be sexually active Hazy I’m sorry but no. There’s sexually active and there’s YOU TWO Shane @Hazy I’m confused. We only have sex everyday? Shane That’s not that much, is it? Dykstra I can’t tell if you’re joking or not???? Shane How often is normal? Roz Shut up Roz Everyone is banned from speaking Roz No more talking

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i get more ass than a toilet seat