Well, this was a strange week. We hope to return to normalcy--politics!--very shortly. The usual weekday suspects will be here for you tomorrow so do check back. As always, thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.
Steve Smith had himself a totally average day: 41 yards receiving and one touchdown. But it's what you do with yourself after the touchdown that counts--and did Smith ever do stuff with himself after the touchdown. Following a 19 yard reception in the second quarter Steve did this little (???) dance you see here.
Tampa Bay Rookie Doug Martin Just Put In One Of The Best Rushing Performances Of All Time
Image via Getty
It could have been more, too: he actually got up to 265 yards, before losing 14 on a lazy final drive to run out the clock. (That total would have put him at number eight on the all single-game list, a yard behind a Shaun Alexander performance from 2001). The nature of the game also short-circuited Martin's unstoppable assault to some extent--Martin had 250 of his eventual 251 yards with 13:51 seconds remaining in the fourth; things got hairy when the Bucs, inexplicably handing the ball off to LeGarrette Blount, fumbled, and the Raiders scored and completed a two-point conversion to come within three midway through the fourth. From there, it was less "let's get Doug some yards," and more "let's not choke this game away."
Nonetheless, Martin's performance was one for the ages. Hopefully our (traveling) video maestro Tim Burke will put together a cut of his long TD runs tomorrow, but in the meantime, watch this space over here for video and GIFs from Martin's ridiculous day. Oh, and Carson Palmer threw the ball 61 times, also tied for tenth on the all-time single-game list. We probably won't make a video of that.
The Giants Have Gotten Some Favorable Calls Today, So Naturally The Fix Is In Because Of Hurricane Sandy
Image via Getty
Whenever a call goes against a fan's--or degenerate gambler's--chosen team, he or she needs answers more palatable than "the refs messed up." One of those reasons is always that the fix is in. In times of natural disaster or other hearstring-tugging moments it only makes more sense to these people. The idea being that it makes for a good story because if the team located in a recently ravaged area gets a win it will...somehow make things nicer for the people in that area and those in charge of officiating the game somehow care about that? I don't know, we're talking about people who paint their chests and/or willfully agree to part with large sums of money based on the outcome of a sporting event.
Donate to hurricane sandy part of your donation goes to the refs paychecks for bonuses to win the game for the giants
— Kyle Jarvis (@jarvy0486) November 4, 2012
NFL is doing everything in their power to make sure the Giants win because of Hurricane Sandy. #SadButTrue
— Kyle Nicholson (@kNicholson18) November 4, 2012
this game is fucking rigged for the giants cuz hurricane sandy!! Those calls were absolute bullshit! #WTF #SteelerNation
— Mike McCullough (@MIke_McC_20) November 4, 2012
NFL wants giants to win at home because hurricane sandy! I fuckin knew it
— Doof. (@Doof__) November 4, 2012
Hurricane sandy points for the Giants #bullshit
— Alex Bachman (@BigBach43) November 4, 2012
The Refs are giving the giants the game because of hurricane Sandy. Just like they gave the knicks the win against the heat.
— Hank De La Cruz (@ElHankDiddy) November 4, 2012
Just cuz hurricane sandy hit new York doesn't mean the refs can give the giants the game
— Zach Rupert (@zrupert6) November 4, 2012
OF COURSE the fix is in for the Giants!!Everyone wants a feel-good story after this Hurricane Sandy devastation
— Angie Kozak (@Angie_Kozak) November 4, 2012
Dead ass the refs are probably sucking off the giants because of hurricane sandy...
— Gavin McCann (@Gj_McCann) November 4, 2012
Most egregiously, however, is that an actual paid broadcaster has apparently gotten in on the Sandy For The Giants act. David Tuckman is a commentator for Sky Sports and multiple users tweeted their surprise at his remarks regarding Sandy's hand in the Giants' good fortune.
David Tuckman,aNew Yorker just said on SkySports NFL coverage that it looks like a lot of hurricane Sandy calls being made for Giants
— trimmgi (@trimmgi) November 4, 2012
@george_h9 did you hear Tuckman in the studio? Giants getting all the decisions cos of hurricane sandy, oh dear. #SackedInTheMorning
— Baris Senturk (@BarisSenturk) November 4, 2012
The idea that home officials are favouring the giants to make the hurricane sandy victims feel better is ridiculous. Shame on you sky sports
New White Sox GM Rick Hahn's First Move: Trading His Predecessor's Son
Picture via Getty
Was Ozzie right? From The Chicago Tribune:
Williams Jr., a speedy outfielder, was drafted in the sixth round in 2008 and became a problem when former manager Ozzie Guillen felt son Ozney should have been picked higher in a later draft. It helped sour the relation between Guillen and Williams Sr.
It's a logical move in light of Williams's five unproductive seasons in the minor leagues (30 RBIs in Double A last year, though!) and, at the same time, a mystifying move in that it was freighted with meaning, and took an executive's son--hanging on to his minor league job, it'd seem, largely through nepotism, and dealt him to an organization not beholden to him in any way. As the first trade of Hahn's tenure.
Williams Sr. likely signed off on the trade, which only makes it more confusing--as if he'd been biding his time for five years, sure that getting rid of his son was the right strategy for the White Sox's minor league system, and finally convinced his successor to pull the trigger on the deal when he had the cover of a new title. A strange way to usher in Rick Hahn, and even stranger way to wave goodbye to Williams Jr.
Terry Bradshaw Says Reggie Bush Was Chasing A Bucket Of Chicken
It goes without saying that Terry Bradshaw is not very bright. So it is much more plausible that this is a case of an idiot doofus that FOX allows to speak unscripted on live television in a vomit of words unwittingly comparing Reggie Bush running with some strange chasing after a bucket of chicken reference that perhaps only he and Jimmy Johnson understand than it is that Terry Bradshaw is a racist. Still, it happened.
You know it's bad when the typically chock full of chuckles Curt Menefee is audibly groaning for what feels like an eternity.
Madness in Indy: Andrew Luck had the most single-game passing yards ever for a rookie with 433 (and two touchdowns to boot), refs were yelling church swears on open mics, and the Colts just wrapped it up on a day when two rookie quarterbacks combined for 723 yards through the air. The best part of that video, by far, is the announcer's reaction. Oooooh!
If you're hungry for more comical referee ineptitude, go check out SB Nation's wonderful GIF of the ref in the Redskins-Panthers game hitting the deck like a ton of bricks after a gently tossed ball doinks him right in the face.
Eli Manning Looking At Defenses: Your NFL Late Games Viewing Guide
Minnesota at Seattle (FOX): The great thing about this game is that at virtually any given moment, either Adrian Peterson or Marshawn Lynch will be on the field as the top two rushers in the NFL will continue to carry the load for their suspect passing games. The Seahawks have the added bonus of being at home where they will try to improve to 4-0. Minnesota can only try to keep pace with the Bears while the Seahawks try to pick up some precious ground on the idle 49ers and move ahead of the--at time of Tumbling, losing--Arizona Cardinals.
Tampa Bay at Oakland (FOX): [Words about sports, specifically football, specifically football played by teams from Tampa Bay and Oakland go here.]
Pittsburgh at New York Giants (CBS): This is the perfect lead-in for 60 Minutes. If there's three things old people love it's Pittsburgh Steelers football, New York Giants football and 60 Minutes. Throwing in Nantz and Simms is just the Werther's Original on top.
Liverpool Fans Get Drenched When Faulty Sprinkler Goes Off At Halftime
"You know what would be fun? A football match," one might say to a friend. "Let's get tickets and go," a friend might respond. "It'll be a nice day and there would be absolutely no chance of us getting soaked to the bone by some random, malfunctioning sprinkler positioned right at the edge of the pitch and facing the stands, a hypothetical mess only compounded by officials just standing there watching it all happen," the two stupidly assume.
Halftime of the Liverpool-Newcastle match (a match that ended in a 1-1 draw) is yet another cautionary tale of the pitfalls one encounters when one assumes.
Brian Urlacher Returns Interception 46 Yards For A Touchdown
Thanks to the folks at SB Nation, here is the Chicago defense once again upstaging the offense. Urlacher intercepted Hasselbeck with 2:49 left in the first quarter to give the Bears a 21-2 lead (they began the day with a blocked punt return touchdown) Chicago leads 31-5 at halftime.
The Brooklyn Nets' New Mascot Basically Has The Same Name As A Porn Star
When the Nets left New Jersey, they left their old mascot, Sly, a wolf or rabbit or something, in New Jersey, along with Shawne Williams and the ghost of Kerry Kittles. The arena is new, the location is new, the mascot is new: the Nets now have BrooklyKnight (spelled like that, pronounced "Brooklyn Knight," or "Brooklyn Night," if you will). That's the same name a musician named Sene. (spelled like that, with the period) used for a song recently and he's not thrilled about the overlap. But there may be a bigger problem afoot: if the Nets want young fans to Google their fun new mascot, BrooklyKnight--and hey, they commissioned a comic book for his introduction and everything, that's what mascots are for--they'd better hope those kids are careful spellers with strict safety settings on their computers.
Black in the Crack 4
Knocked Up & Naughty 2
Sweet & Nasty Teens
10 Man Cum Slam 23
And so on. While the Nets aren't the first to go with a name close to hers--a bar in Clinton Hill calls itself Brooklyn Nights--the Google image results show no bars, and suggest that either a production company or her adoring fans have kept Ms. Night a favorite of search engines. Spelling the mascot's name as "BrooklyKnight" may have been a preemptive method of keeping the star of Super Whores 9 away from young, impressionable eyes. Another method that could have worked would have been naming the mascot something that isn't a letter away from a porn star's name. Team rebranding is always a learning experience. -- Isaac Rauch, h/t Charles
Here's A Missed Field Goal Returned 109.9 Yards For A Touchdown
Sharyland high school did not necessarily need this remarkable feat of balance and hand-eye coordination to defeat the Edinburg North Cougars--the final score was 48-7 in favor of Sharyland--but it was certainly fun to watch.
In the first quarter of Friday night's game between the two Mission, Texas high schools, Sean Landez took Edinburg's missed 44-yard field goal the farthest it could possibly be returned (without getting into millimeters, I suppose), easily dwarfing his 95-yard opening kickoff return from just six minutes earlier.
Denver at Cincinnati (CBS): Weirdly, the Denver Mannings are playing an early afternoon game and Jim Nantz and Phil Simms will not be calling it. That's because CBS will be showing the New York Rodney Dangerfields and the Pittsburgh Smash You In The Mouths later today. Nevertheless, this game will be played and the elder Manning will just have to deal with it. Peyton, according to everyone, has the Broncos surging and Marvin Lewis is taking a glass half-full approach to his feral bunch:
"I thought we were very, very good at stinking up October and we need to do a cleanse," Lewis said. "We have an opportunity to fix a lot of the things that are ailing us right now, and that's what we've got to do."
Baltimore at Cleveland (CBS): The Columbus-Dispatch is also hopping aboard the optimism express and I will just leave this here, unadorned, because subtlety is king of comedy:
The Browns are feeling good about themselves after grinding out a 7-6 win over Chargers last week, and they were in their first game against the Ravens until the final seconds of the 23-16 loss on Sept. 27. Bottom line, however: The Ravens have beaten the Browns nine straight times.
Arizona at Green Bay (FOX): John Skelton was baptized on the frozen tundra. As an infant his arm speed created the necessary friction to heat, and eventually melt, the tundra making baptism possible. He will return to claim what is rightfully his: a 5-4 record and a surging Arizona Cardinals team.
Chicago at Tennessee (FOX): The Bears are 6-1, but it's a suspicious 6-1. No one ever likes Chicago's offense even though Brandon Marshall already has more receptions than any Bears receiver did last year. The hate might be due in part to the Chicago defense since it has found the endzone six times this year--quite the juxtaposition. It might also be because "blah blah Jay Cutler sullen face blah blah Brandon Marshall personality disorder blah everyone is immature blah-bity blah."
Miami at Indianapolis (CBS): The Sun-Sentinel reminds that these two franchises were locked in a heated death match for the services of Andrew Luck just one year ago. You remember the sing-songy "Suck for Luck" deal last year, don't you? Well, despite the joys of rhyming, Andrew Luck was not a fan. In fact, he was downright not keen on it.
"I wasn't too fond of that idea when someone brought it to my attention," Luck says as he prepares to face the Dolphins for the first time. "I didn't think it was that neat."
Carolina at Washington (CBS): Here's an easy game to write up. Cam Newton and Robert Griffin III are similar, but also different. They both won the Heisman. Cam Newton had a good first year in the league. Robert Griffin III is having a good first year in the league. Cam Newton smiles a lot (until recently--so immature!). Robert Griffin III smiles a lot. Cam Newton does the Superman thing. Robert Griffin III wears Superman socks. Cam Newton is tall and athletic. Robert Griffin III is tall and athletic, but not as tall. They have similar abilities. They have different abilities. Cam Newton has won a Super Bowl--oh wait, no. No he has not, but Robert Griffin III wants to win a Super Bowl.
“I’d rather be compared to an Aaron Rodgers or a guy like that, someone who’s won Super Bowls,” Griffin says. “You want to go out there and win. That’s our biggest goal. That’s what this game is all about. It’s not about me versus Cam Newton. It’s about us getting the win, getting to 4-5 before we go to our bye week.”
Detroit at Jacksonville (FOX): After much speculation, Calvin Johnson will be active this afternoon. Will the Lions bother playing him much against the Jaguars? Will the Lionas have to play him much against the Jaguars? That may be more problematic for Detroit than an injured Calvin Johnson. As for those Jaguars, the head coach is...cautiously optimistic?
"If we continue to progress in certain things that we're doing, that we know we're capable of doing, I think wins will come with it," coach Mike Mularkey said.
Buffalo at Houston (CBS): Mario Williams sure is salty in the months since thinking a move to Buffalo would be a good idea. Houston looking like the best team in the AFC is just more salt in the wound.
"I didn't want to enter free agency in the first place, but it was a one-way door given to me by the GM to leave Houston," Williams told KRIV-TV in Houston, referring to general manager Rick Smith. "I want the fans there to know entering free agency was not my decision."
Williams is coming off surgery to repair a torn ligament in his wrist and after getting into the weight room this week expects to play.
vaporwave
kianamaiart
ellievsbear