I am 33 years old. I am a man. I use He/Him/His as my pronouns. I am a Demisexual. It is my dream to marry a man one day. However, right now I'm single. I'm a nerd. I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety. Iāve struggled with being obese my whole life. I have an addictive personality, I abuse substances to navigate my pain, I am socially awkward, I have a large family on both sides, Iām paler than than a marshmallow, and I am probably the most emotional and also irrational person you will ever meet.
I only came out of the closet in the fall of 2019. Even though most knew I was queer, it was āmeā who had to discover and accept it for myself. Itās been quite a road of self discovery since then. A year and a half has passed and much has happened to me. Much has changed in my life including myself. I am not the same man than most of you remember. Iām not that little boy any longer. I am not overly innocent but Iām also not a bad person. Iāve made mistakes. Lots of mistakes. You could even call me the āMistake Masterā. But if anything, this past year and change has taught me that my mistakes donāt define me. My mistakes are not my identity, nor should anyone use them to try and understand me. To know me, you have to truly understand where Iāve been, what Iāve seen, what Iāve gone through, and how Iāve every time overcome my struggles.
About a year ago, my mistakes started to catch up with me. At that time, I was financially in ruin, addicted to Adderall, abusing alcohol, facing legal issues with possible jail time, ostracizing myself from friends and family, and borderline becoming a sex addict. That last part was the straw that broke the camelās back. For you see I already have medical issues in my life. Being obese and a diabetic, my health has had a lot of ups and downs. It was because of that unhealthy lifestyle that led me to finding out in June 2020 that I am HIV Positive.
That diagnosis broke me. Hearing those words āIām sorry to have to tell you this, but you are HIV Positive,ā destroyed all my hopes of having any semblance of a future. It was here that I gave up. It was here I gave up on everyone and everything. It was here that I lost all will and desire to continue this journey we call life.
Thank God for my my immediate family though. As much as I tried to keep this quiet amongst my family, my status being a secret was impossible. If you know my Mom and my family, you already know why. My family on both sides are so used to bad news that when the next thing comes at us, everyone assembles and prepares for war. My friends and family are kind of like āThe Avengersā that way. People that are true angels sent into my life from God. Having them in your corner, makes taking on the world, seem like childās play. I am very grateful for all of them.
Once my family and friends started finding out, coming to terms with my status became easier. Before that, I had stopped eating. I had stopped living. I had just stopped wanting to even be alive. I gave myself a death sentence that was completely frantic and unnecessary. Eventually I stopped crying everyday. Eventually I started making my bed again. Eventually I started to slowly breath again. The initial shock was starting to wear off and it was now time to get my health in check.
One of my older sisters guided me to The A-Team: HIV Clinic. It is a part of the Hackensack Meridian Family. An affiliation of Jersey Shore Hospital. Itās here that I went on medication and started to get this disease under control and begin my journey of healing. If it was not for her, I would of never gone to get help honestly. It was like a godsend that she knew to reach out to me the weekend I found out. It was a miracle that she knew exactly who and where I should go. It was just another time that one of my siblings helped saved me. I love you for that Jess.
Now weāre at the end of the Summer and my vitals were starting to respond very well to my medication. I slowly was starting to truly tackle this situation and then it happened. I had a nervous breakdown. I was at work that day. You see, at this point I had stopped serving and started working in the Deli at Walmart here in Brick. I was currently living with my mom and it was one of the few jobs I could get seeing as I couldnāt drive and the world being upside down.
I was at the counter this day when a woman came up to order deli meat to be sliced. She was an elderly lady. By herself. Shopping for probably just herself also. She wore very āgrandma-likeā clothes and had her list in her hands. I remember exactly what set me off. Her handwriting and how she asked for āliverwurstā reminded me of my own grandmother.
My gramma passed away in June 2018. This woman at the deli reminded me exactly of her. And it was right at this moment that all my grief came rushing back. It was here I lost it. My mind was not right. I began flipping out on my coworkers. I started accusing my mom of gaslighting me. I started freaking out thinking all these horrible things. It was here for the first time in my life, that I truly wanted to kill myself.
It scared me. It shook me to the core. My mind had already come up with numerous ways to do it and to do it while at work. I couldnāt handle things anymore. If it weren't for my faith, I would have done it. But because of both my grandmothers, I was raised believing in God and to have faith in difficult times. It was this small fact that saved me. I knew I needed psychiatric help and fast. Thatās when I called my mom to pick me up from work and bring me right to the hospital. I checked myself in the psychiatric ward and hoped that this is where God wanted me to be. And it was.
Itās here that I would find the help and guidance I needed in order to start actually healing from my past trauma, here where I came face to face with my addictions, it was here that I decided I needed to change my life, and it was here that I knew I only had one choice, live or die. So, as you can see, I chose to live.
I chose to believe in the power of my creator, the power of love, the power of my own will, and I chose to āhopeā. Hope can be one of the most powerful motivators. The bible talks a lot about faith but it just as much mentions hope.
Proverbs 23:18 āThere is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.ā
As you see, it is because of my religious upbringing that I was able to get through this current situation. This is how I know my Gramma and Nanny are/were the two smartest women I know. They both knew that life is hard, they both knew life can be unforgiving, so they both made sure I had something to shine a light in my life when things got hard. Granted my religious views are not as black and white as they used to be, my faith is still strong, just on my own terms and in my own way. My favorite bible verse always has been and always will be:
Phillipians 4:13 āI can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!ā
This moment in my life was a game changer. The hospital was setting me up with counselors and doctors to help get me better. My mom and family somewhat were caught up with what was going on with me. I needed help. I was at rock bottom. Either I was going to start preparing to die or I was going to start fighting to live. It was here that my nieces and nephews were my saving grace. I am not a father. Iāve always wanted to be one though. You can say itās one of my biggest aspirations in life. Sadly I have not made that a reality yet. My nieces and nephews fill that void for me. Those babies and kids are my reason to fight. I fight for myself and my family and friends also, but it is them and their smiles that I push forward for. Even if I donāt accomplish anything with my life, the simple fact that I can be present for all their momentous occasions is reason enough for me to push through and get better. Parents talk about love at first sight with their children. Iāve had that too but with my nieces and nephews. I fell in love with them each separately and immediately. Each of them Iād die for. Each of them Iād take on the world for. Each of them Iād give the moon. Each of them is my reason to smile and not give up. My siblings do a great job raising them and I am very grateful for that. I am grateful for their love of me and their desire for me to be a part of their childrenās life. I am truly blessed and rich. My family has always been my greatest treasure and sadly it took a life threatening diagnosis to make me realize it.
I am not writing all of this for sympathy. Iām not writing this for anyone in particular. I am simply writing this for myself. I donāt claim to be anything special or important. I am no where near perfect. I am beautifully flawed. From all my mistakes and wrong turns in life I have learned much. I have gained wisdom. I have grown. I have changed. And my story should be shared so that otherās realize they are not alone. People who struggle in their daily lives are usually the strongest people you may know. Most of us are survivors. We are warriors. And we are powerful. It is our imperfections that make us so useful to society. It is because of our screw ups, it is because of our bad judgment; that society is able to see the cracks of whatās wrong and what needs to be fixed.
No one is perfect. We are all villains in someone elseās story. We are all guilty of messing up. We are all guilty of being weak and scared. We are all guilty of being lost. For none of us live life in perfection. None of us have it all together. None of us should or can judge the other. Take my story. Take my tale. And learn. If you are like me, and you struggle to get your life together, if you find it hard to want to keep going, if you find it all pointless, read my words, YOU ARE WORTHY AND DESERVE THE WORLD!
Our addictions, our bad habits, our negative traits, our irresponsible behaviors, our prejudice, our insecurities, our mistakes, our problems, NONE of them are us. They are simply details. Your truth is who you are and not what youāve done. Reading my words hopefully will allow some to feel not alone. Hopefully reading my words will shine a light on someone elseās struggle. Just maybe my words will allow all of us a chance to notice that not everything is perfect. There are those of us fighting to survive. There are those of us fighting to live. There are those of us that need love and support. Let my words be those things. Let my words motivate and teach. Allow my story to be a cautionary tale. Allow my hurt and pain be healing to others struggling to understand what theyāre going thru. Allow my experience shine some light. Allow my life be an example of what not to do. Allow my struggle to be inspiration to make a better choice. Allow my writing to take you on my journey of healing and self discovery.
Hopefully over time the stories I write down, the memories I share, the heartbreak Iāve experienced, and the poor choices I relive; will be of aid to someone who needs it. This is also my way of saying sorry to all those Iāve hurt on getting to this point in my life. Iāve hurt so many that itās impossible to say sorry to all of you and for everything. The only true apology I can give, is a life filled with change and growth. My apology to you all is a life of purpose and adventure. My apology to yāall, is living my life being a better man each and everyday. Thatās my apology. It is a changed man and a new life. Those two things all could not be possible without everyoneās support. The blessings in my life now, are all because of YOU!
I am sorry and will spend my life in gratitude and growth in order to truly honor the gift of love and life you and God has given me. Laughter is also one of those gifts, but I suspect a lot of it was you guys laughing at me. Thatās ok because at times, if you overlook how annoying I can be, I am actually quite funny.
This is where my new life and story begins. This point in time. This moment. So in order to truly enjoy it with me, you must know how it started, what happened, and why. Knowing those things will illuminate common issues many of us face and struggle to handle. I hope with writing down things from my past, I will continue to heal and grow. I love writing and am currently working on pursuing this passion as a career path or at least a way to live some sort of creative life that I sorely desire. My journey thus far has really brought to light things about myself I never clearly understood or realized. My love for writing is one. Iāve always written. Iāve always loved books. Iāve always loved words. I was born to write. I was born to share my life with the world. I was born to help change the world.
Hopefully this guy who wears his heart on his sleeve can do that. Hopefully I can use my passion to help make one personās day better. Hopefully that will be enough. It has to be. For even a tiny spark can brighten a room. Even a small flame can ignite a grandiose fire.
I expect nothing from this blog other than to speak to at least one person. That is my goal. That is my purpose. Let these words, let my history, let my hardships, let my will, let my hope; inspire one person to make it one more day. Let my love be enough for you when you feel no one loves you back. Let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT unlovable. I LOVE YOU. I need you here. Donāt give up. Iām an example that it gets better. I am an example that YOU CAN overcome this point. YOU WILL see better days, I can attest to that.
This is where we being my written tale. I've always loved Harriet The Spy and this is that ending scene for me. This is my āBilbo Bagginsā book. This is my āCarrie Bradshawā experience. This is my āGossip Girlā moment. This is who I am and where Iāve been. I hope at least one of you will finally see the real me.
āIām still standingā.
āStill standing for something, while others are falling for nothingā.
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