“Y/n?” Groggily you pulled your phone away from your ear, checking the time displayed at the top of the screen.
2:38am.
“San? Why the hell are you calling me at almost 3 in the damn morning?” You groaned, pressing the speaker back against your ear so you could hear his response.
You’d barely gotten to sleep more than two hours ago, mind a turbulent blend of every tiny thing you had to stress about at the moment.
School.
Family.
Friends.
Hiding the fact that you knew and were friends with Ateez from the rest of the world.
Not something that a normal 20 year old had to worry about, but something that was an everyday worry for you non the less.
San cleared his throat, speaking much quieter when he started talking again.
“Well.. Yunho is..” Your throat tightened at the mention of Yunho.
Jeong Yunho, the tall dark haired boy with puppy like eyes who you’d had a crush on for as long as you could remember.
The boy who had, inadvertently crushed your heart just two months ago.
The one who you’d begged the rest of your friends not to talk to you about, because your heart couldn’t take the pain of thinking about him after what had happened that night.
You squeezed your eyes closed tightly, only half hearing the next words San said in a hushed voice.
“He’s really upset Y/n, he thinks that he did something wrong because you haven’t been talking to him.”
He did do something wrong.
“He didn’t do anything.” You breathed, knowing it was a lie but not caring.
San was quiet for a moment, a soft sigh buffering through the speaker.
“I don’t think that’s true but either way, whatever happened, shouldn’t you at least talk about it with someone? Even if it isn’t him, you know that any one of us are always here for you.”
You appreciated the thought, truly.
But you could barely even let your thoughts wander back to that night, let alone relive it to one of them.
Tears welled behind your closed lids and you drew in a few shaking breaths until you felt confident enough to speak.
“I can’t, San.” No matter how ready you’d thought you were, your voice still cracked at the end, making you feel small and worthless.
You couldn’t even hide your emotions from San, how did he or any of them expect you to be able to face Yunho again without him figuring everything out in seconds?
He may be an energetic ball of energy and good looks, but the most attractive part about him was his intelligence.
“Y/n…” You could almost hear the sad pout in San’s voice and picture the way he’d have his knees pulled close to his chest, chin resting on the tops of them and hand clutching the phone as tight as he could to his ear.
You could feel the sympathy and love from him like a beacon through the phone and it only made you miss him, miss them all, ten thousand times more.
“I need sleep.” You choked, hurriedly wrenching the phone from your ear and hitting the end call button before throwing the device as far across the room as you could.
It landed with a crunch of glass that made you wince in the corner of the room, close to your doorway.
Despite knowing you’d probably just completely broken it, you could bring yourself to regret throwing it as you curled up in a sad ball below your covers.
You didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.
“Are you hungry?” You looked up in surprise at the sound of Yunho’s familiar upbeat voice, his tall figure leaning against your doorway, a take out bag held up in the air.
He’d positioned it almost as if it were a shield, his wide brown eyes peeking out past it at you, as though he expected you to reject his company.
You smiled, nodding him in and shifting some of the books on your bed to give him a space to sit.
You needed to study, desperately.
But there was nothing in hell that could make you turn Yunho away.
He grinned, looking somewhat relieved and plopping himself with his normal energy beside you, humming and shoving the bag of food into your hands.
A mouth watering scent rose from it, drawing a groan of hunger from your lips and a gurgle from your stomach as you wrenched it open and peered excitedly into it.
“Yunho!” You beamed happily, dragging the tub of bulgogi out.
His mouth quirked up as you dug into it, briefly forgetting about the piles of assignments you still needed to complete this week.
“How did you get in by the way?” You asked through a mouthful of beef and rice, eyebrows raised at him.
“You left the door unlocked.” He said pointedly, eyes glancing to the doorway of your room, through which you could just see the front door that entered your small apartment.
You grimaced, shaking your head.
Every time you entered your apartment you told yourself to make sure you locked it behind you.
And almost every time, you still forgot.
“You should really get an electronic lock, it’s safer.” Yunho reprimanded you softly, reaching out with his slender fingers tor ruffle your hair.
You ducked out of his reach, resenting the brotherly gesture.
You’d given up on putting any belief in your feelings for Yunho being returned long ago, but that didn’t mean you were going to make it any easier for him not to see you.
“Can’t afford it.” You swallowed your mouthful and offered him the nearly empty container, smiling when he let out a small laugh and accepted it, scooping a small amount out into his mouth before handing it back to you.
He chewed silently, watching you as you grabbed for your books again now that you were done being distracted by food, trying your best to focus on reading the information on the page you were up to.
But his gaze on you was as distracting as a thousand bells going off at once and you found yourself glancing up at him curiously, trying to figure out why he was watching you so intently.
“Yunho, what?” You finally blurted in exasperation, closing your book and giving him your attention. He blinked in surprise, a half hearted smile flitting across his lips, his cheeks tinging pink.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to distract you..” He said apologetically, lifting his broad shoulders in a shrug. You raised your eyebrows, not entirely believing the statement but choosing not to chase it up.
He clearly had something on his mind, though what it could possibly be to make him act this strangely, you had no idea.
“Yunho?” You asked quietly after a few more minutes of silence, reaching out to poke his side when he continued to stare at you, his eyes completely unfocused.
It was unsettling to see him like this, he was normally so bubbly that it gave you a headache.
He shook his head at your touch, offering you another one of those half smiles, still looking faraway.
“What’s wrong?” You persisted, shuffling closer to him.
You couldn’t help it, though every nerve in your body screamed at you to maintain distance between you, because it meant something different to you than it did to him, every other part of you ached to comfort him however you could.
You knew he took immense comfort out of closeness to people, out of caring touches. On more than one occasion he’d dropped his head onto your lap and demanded you untangle his hair while he practised his lines for one of their songs.
He’d never known how much it killed you and satisfied you at the same time and you’d never told him.
You didn’t ever plan on telling him how he felt.
Having all of his friends know was embarrassing enough and you just weren’t ready to risk losing his friendship over some stupid unreciprocated feelings.
He looked at you carefully, biting his lip. You’d have to be blind and not secretly madly in love with him to miss the shine of tears in his wide eyes.
“I think I made a mistake.” He admitted in a tiny voice, his bottom lip beginning to quiver. You frowned, reaching for him and hugging him tightly.
“Whatever it was or is, I’ll help you through it.” You murmured into his shoulder, pulling away to look at him.
You could have ripped out your heart and given it to him in that moment, watching a single tear slip from the corner of his eye and track its way down to his chin, his face contorting in something similar to pain.
He clapped a hand over his mouth, turning his head so you couldn’t see, sniffles escaping in muffled puffs from below his fingers.
Your heart ached in your chest and you had to force your hands to remain at your sides, not on his face to turn him back towards you.
You wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to hide from you, you of all people couldn’t ever see anything but the best of him even in his worst moments.
But that would be too much and this wasn’t about you, it was about him.
“You can’t help me this time.” He whispered finally, turning back to look at you, his eyes still swimming with tears and his cheeks soaked. His forehead was furrowed and he swept his fingers over his eyes, as if that would stop any more tears falling.
In spite of the action, a few more sped down his cheeks.
“Wanna bet?” You murmured, finally giving in and reaching out to thumb away the remaining shine of tears glistening on his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes closed, shaking his head fervently, making you retract your hand.
“Seriously Y/n, you can’t. Unless you know how to make me stop loving someone that is never going to see me.. you can’t.” He sighed out, glancing at you.
You could have sworn that time froze around you as your heart shattered in your chest, your lips parting in both shock and pain.
“You..you’d be surprised.” You choked out.
You shouldn’t be surprised.
You’d known he didn’t, couldn’t have feelings for you. You’d known that a day would come when he’d inevitably fall for someone that wasn’t you.
You should’ve known.
You sat up with a gasp, hand clutched tightly to your chest, cheeks warm and wet with tears. You could feel strands of hair clinging to your face.
You’d fallen asleep, clearly, because the sun was up now, shining brightly through the window across from your bed, the curtains of which you’d stupidly left open last night.
Your mind wandered back to the call from San as you reluctantly dragged yourself out of bed, searching for your phone beside the doorway.
“How is it not broken?” You mumbled to yourself, turning the device around in your fingers in surprise.
It was almost completely unmarked by the abuse of your throw last night, aside from the tiny scratch on the top left corner.
The screen lit up with a message when you were done inspecting it, the green bubble adding on to the ridiculously long list of others.
San : I’m so sorry
San : Y/n please answer, I’m seriously worried about you.
San : If you don’t answer I’m gonna get Yunho.
Seonghwa : Is everything okay? San is worried about you..
Seonghwa : Y/n? Now I’m worried.
Hongjoong : You’re scaring us all, just let one of us know you’re okay.
Yunho : Y/n??
Y/n added to ‘Ateez GC’.
Wooyoung : Has anyone heard back yet?
Yeosang : What do you think idiot? Of course not.
San : I shouldn’t have called her. I should have just let her be.
Seonghwa : Which is exactly what we all said to you about fifty times the day before, did we not?…
Hongjoong : He was worried, we all were. I understand.
Yeosang : Has anyone tried going over to her place?
Jongho : Well nobody knows where she lives now except Yunho..
Mingi : He won’t tell you, don’t even bother.
Wooyoung : Do you know too Min?
San : Mingi don’t know you know it too then?
Jongho : You idiots really think he’s gonna tell you that?
Yeosang : Someone needs to go and check on her, seriously.
Seonghwa : Honestly, I agree and so does Hongjoong. He’s trying to contact Yun…
Y/n removed from ‘Ateez GC’.
San : Don’t hate me too much when you wake up..
Hongjoong : Aish I can’t believe you’re so stubborn.
Yunho : Y/n..
Yeosang : Y/n I don’t know if you’re looking at any of our messages but just so you know, Yunho is comin..
Panic filled your chest and you swiped desperately on the most recent text, from Yeosang, fingers scrambling in your passcode to see the rest of the message.
Yeosang : Y/n I don’t know if you’re looking at any of our messages but just so you know, Yunho is coming to your place. Now. San and Wooyoung begged him to come check up on you.
You groaned loudly, swearing under your breath and leaping to your feet, rushing towards your front door.
You were 90% sure you’d left it unlocked last night.
Now more than ever you wished you’d listened to Yunho the last time you saw him and installed the electronic lock with a pin.
You reached the door just as the handle turned and desperately you threw yourself and your weight against it, attempting to keep it closed.
A useless endeavour considering that Yunho was both twice your height and weight.
“Y/n stop it.” He grunted from the other side of the door, giving a push that sent both you and the door flying backwards. Whereas the door was stopped by the wall, you tumbled to the floor, a stabbing pain shooting up your backside where it connected harshly with the floor.
“Shit, sorry.” You looked up in time to see Yunho kneel beside you, his face scrunched in both concern and relief.
His hair was blue now and he looked older, and less happy than you’d ever seen him.
“What are you doing here?” You snapped, shoving away his hand when he tried to help you up, opting for using the nearest wall to your advantage instead.
His eyes dropped to the floor, mouth turning even further down if possible.
You hated it, you truly did.
But you couldn’t let yourself care about it, because if you did that then it was only going to hurt ten thousand times more that he loved someone else.
“Everyone was worried about you..” He said quietly, peeking back up at you hopefully, as if that explanation would be enough to return you both back to your normal friendship.
You clenched your fists, squaring your jaw and glaring back at him.
“So give literally anyone else my address. Why did you have to come?” You were basically hissing now, barely able to see past the tears pooling in your eyes.
You knew this was unreasonable, you were the one who’d asked him not to give them your address, not wanting to risk them turning up and outing both you and themselves to their fans. It was bad enough that Yunho knew and turned up so often.
Had, past tense.
It had been months since you’d seen him.
His face was a sea of confusion and hurt, his hands twisting at his sides.
He hadn’t understood then why you’d so suddenly told him to get out, clearly knowing that your excuse of needing to study was nothing more than a cover and he still didn’t understand now, months onwards.
So much for his intelligence.
But then, you couldn’t expect him to ever even believe that his second closest friend would have hidden feelings for him when he was so focused on his own feelings for someone else.
“Y/n.” He said quietly, frowning at you as you slid back down the wall, barely containing sobs in the back of your throat.
You just wanted him to leave, to take his familiar presence away and to let your heart continue to splinter until you convinced it to move on from him.
You didn’t want to owe him the explanation sitting heavily on your tongue as he knelt back down in front of you, his hands steadying himself on your knees, drawn against your chest.
You stared helplessly at him, wishing you had a better explanation for why you were so clearly against him being here.
“Whatever it is..Whatever it was or is, I’ll help you through it.” He said, using the same words that you’d used on him all those months ago.
Fresh tears sprang to your eyes and you looked away from his face, every possible inch of it covered in concern and care that you didn’t deserve for the way you’d treated him.
“You can’t help me this time.” You closed your eyes as the words slipped from you, the exact ones that he’d said to you before breaking your heart.
It felt like someone was ripping your chest apart now, trying to dig around for the remaining fragments to squeeze and destroy them some more.
“Wanna bet?” His hands were on your face, turning it towards him the way you’d wanted to do to him that night but couldn’t.
It was different for him of course, it didn’t mean anything.
You looked at him, half glaring and half trying to keep in more tears.
His lips pressed together sadly.
“Y/n, whatever I did wrong, tell me. Tell me so that I can fix us because I’m dying without you by my side.” He begged, his voice catching in ways you’d never heard it catch on each word, tearing your chest apart even more. “Every night I’ve gone over and over what I did wrong, why you pushed me away. How I could have hurt you.”
His lip was quivering now and his hands were still on your face, holding you and preventing you from looking away.
You wanted to scream and curl into a ball, to beg him to leave.
“Please.” He choked, desperation shining in his eyes.
Eyes that had always known what you were feeling without you ever having to say it, until it came to your feelings for him.
Hands that had always known just the right way to comfort you until he broke you into pieces that just didn’t go back together the same way anymore.
Lips that you’d always known would be a source of safety for you until he used them to tell you he loved someone that wasn’t you.
“I can’t.”
“You can’t forgive me?”
“Mhm.” You nodded, watching him try to understand you.
“Why?”
“You broke my heart.” The words came out before you even knew they were on the tip of your tongue, surprising you both.
He stared at you, hands dropping slowly from your face to his side, his eyes wider than you’d ever seen him. You could almost see the cogs in the back of his head spinning out of control, his eyes glazing as he repeated your words in his head over and over.
“I mean-” You stuttered, grasping at something, anything that you could say to explain away your slip up.
He shook his head at you, pressing his finger to your lips, blocking any words from coming out.
“I know what you mean.” He said quietly.
He breathed in and out for a few moments, like he was calming himself.
And then he did the unthinkable.
He smiled at you.
“You should have probably told me.” He said in a soft voice, finally dropping his finger from your lips. You blinked slowly, your turn to be confused and attempt to understand what he meant.
“I don’t understand.” You finally admitted, sighing heavily. He was almost grinning now, shaking his head, sending blue strands across his forehead.
“I think you really misunderstood me a few months ago,” Yunho whispered, leaning forward, his hand cupping your cheek and his nose brushing yours.
Fireworks encased your body.
“Yunho what do you mean?” You choked, frozen in place by the fact that his mouth was closer to yours than it had ever been.
And then you were melting, because his lips were brushing yours, his hand pulling you until your mouth fell against his, returning his gentle kiss.
“Idiot, you thought it was someone else?” He chuckled quietly, mouth moving to your nose, planting a delicate kiss, then to your forehead, dusting a few more lingering ones before returning to your mouth, catching your bottom lip between his teeth.
“Mmph.” You pulled away from the intoxicating hold, staring wide eyed at him as his words sunk in.
“Yunho-”
“Yeah.” He nodded, moving forward back into your space, this time pressing your back solidly against the wall with his chest so that you had no space to escape him.
You melted into his mouth, hands wrapping in the material of his shirt, chest arching against his.
His hands held your waist, his soft chuckles falling into your lips as you kissed, until you managed to pull yourself away again, heavy pants filling the space left between you.
“Me?” You asked in shock, wide eyed.
He nodded.
“You, it’s always been you.” He murmured, eyes softening at you. “It will always be you.”
