this is for no one

if you're reading this go away

[dearboysiloveandhate]

the hickeys you gave me have faded from my body and in that same amount of time you have faded from my life

[dearboysiloveandhate]

it's been awhile. my boy problems haven't gone away i think i just forgot to not tell every damn person i meet about them. here i am all fucked up about you again. i don't understand. i don't even want to date you anymore. i did for a long time but i think i realized how bad of a person you can be. you just let yourself be selfish and the problem is i know that when you decide not to be you're one of the best people on this planet. and we work so well together. you are everything i want in a boy. but you also have so much to you that i don't want whatsoever. you cheated on me and you led me on only to drop me because just me alone wasn't good enough. and i wish i could blame you but i can't because i know your past and i know all the reasons behind it. and besides, that's not all it is either. there is so much history between us and with history comes strings and all of ours are tangled up in other people's lives and by being together it basically ties them all around their necks. so i want to get over you. i am so over this and the feelings i have for you and i want to get over you too. it's just so hard because you're also my best friend. you're the person i want to tell everything to but i feel you fading away and caring less and less. i don't know what to do to get over you other than to leave but i am so scared of what that would do to me. i wish we were better together. i wish you could be s good boyfriend but you're not and frankly you don't want to be and the more i actually look st you the more i wonder if you're even a good friend. i am so lost.

[dearboysiloveandhate]

I'll give you space

[dearboysiloveandhate]

it is so hard because I want you so bad. I love you so much and all I want is us to work out. but there are so many differences within us. we are programmed so differently. where I am ambitious you are lazy. where I am constantly worried about the future, you do not care at all. I want us to work but I don't know how it could. you care about drugs more than you care about me. my brother brought up a good point. we are setting ourselves up for different lives. you are failing classes and cutting school and high every day. I am working every day and going to school and working out and never giving myself time to rest. and I crave that. I crave the business and the stress and the anxiety because if I distract myself and never stop moving then I don't have time to be sad. I'd rather work myself to death and be happy than die sad and lonely. and so it is hard for me because all I want is you, but you don't care about your future, and even though you care about me, you don't care enough to change your ways. and although I love you, I care more about my future. but I am worried. I am worried that will change because I will prioritize you over myself. and that's natural, that's what's supposed to happen, but I am selfish and I am scared of that because all I want is to be successful. you say you love me because I am persistent, and when I want something I go and get it. this is true, but I'm afraid you won't understand that when I leave you in the process.

[dearboysiloveandhate]

I know you are not a boy but I don’t know where else to put this. you can not go through life with no care for the others around you. I would have been there for you forever. I know sometimes I’m rude, or forget that you are sensitive (which is okay, everyone is aloud their sensitivities), but i was always there for you. you can not say that I treated you badly when every time you needed me I was there. for 12 years. and in return you decide you are tired of our friendship so you separate yourself from me and yet drag our friendship out for the sake that you don’t have any other friends to make you feel good? that is so sad, and so immature, and if you think I am a bad person you should take a real good look in the mirror. I am glad we are no longer friends. I do not want someone like that in my life. I just wish you would stop playing the victim role because this is all you. I did nothing that deserved anything of that magnitude.

[dearboysiloveandhate]

I can't tell if I'm happier with him or without him. with him my emotions are so confusing and I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want him or if I'm just craving some attention. he is so easy to be with because he's all I've ever known to be completely honest. The only thing is that when I was alone and focusing on myself things were so much more stable and I was so much happier. I had found a happy medium after v and I am so angry with myself for going back to my past after doing so well for so long. the thing is I think it could almost work if he was more motivated and cared more about his own future and what is going to happen after high school. But he doesn't. all he cares about is smoking and partying and hanging out with his friends and I come second to all of that. the thing is I understand he doesn't want to put me above that. I have done nothing to prove that I will stay and I still don't even know if I will. it's just that I feel like maybe I would if he cared about his grades or wanted to go to college. we are just on separate wave lengths, and we are going different places, and I can't help but wonder that if I just ended it before there were too many feelings maybe it would just save me a whole lot of hurt. the only problem with that is that if I do it then I hurt him again and prove him right. I hate proving him right.

[dearboysiloveandhate]

I decided to make this blog because I need a place that I can vent about all the boys that I love and hate without spilling my guts to random strangers or even my friends because they hardly care anymore. I mean why would they its not like I haven't done this to myself over and over I fuckin deserve it most likely