Dear Dear Leader

[deardearleader-blog]

Did you hear the news?

Greetings Glorious and Submissive Citizens!

I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I’ve been SUPER busy these past few weeks. First off, the DPRK had another wildly successful ballistic missile launch (it went 500 km, which is basically the same distance to the moon.) which caused a bunch of Western idiots’ panties to get all twisted. Other than it being the most awesome display of firepower in the history of civilization set to the music of the Backstreet Boys, I’m not really sure what the big deal is. Anyway, I’ve ordered 5 million more missiles and requested that all of them have face of my arch-nemesis, dokkaebi Donald, painted on the butt end. Get it? Because he’s such a butt. LOLZ! 

Here’s a picture of me celebrating hard after the missile launch in front of my favorite corn field.

Then my idiot half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, lets two ladies rub nerve agent on his face in an airport and--shocker!--dies from it. I have no idea who would do such an awful thing to such a fat moron, but well ... RIP, shibal-seki. I will miss you more than my Air Jordans (PSYCH!).

Last but not least, I have finally found a replacement for the Evil Betrayer of Royal Trust and State Secrets, Dennis Rodman. My Western Idiot manservant, Jeff, informed me that Scott Baio (code name: Charles) is in league with the Evil Betrayer Rodman (code name: Worm), so he’s off the list. Jeff also tried to tell me that Cobra Commander “isn’t real” (I had three of my guards simultaneously kick Jeff in the junk for spreading such falsehoods). Metta World Peace is not returning my telefaxes. So that leaves me with this guy ... 

RiFF RAFF. He’s perfect. He’s been tasked with designing a plan for the immediate destruction of Charles and Worm. It may or may not involve rubbing nerve agent on their stupid faces. Stay tuned ... 

[deardearleader-blog]

The Ultimate Betrayal

I’ve been through a lot these past 4 years, Western Idiots. I had to execute 2nd in command (also my uncle) when he plotted against me (and ate the last of the Cap’n Crunch but left the empty box out). I had to execute my Defense Minister when he fell asleep during a state event (NOBODY naps through a tank parade on my watch). I had to execute one of my vice ministers when he disagreed with my policy on forestry (how someone can oppose my plan to turn all forests in the DPRK into the world’s biggest roller coaster I will never understand). I had to execute another vice minister when he opposed my roof design for a new building in Pyongyang (and I’m also pretty sure he squeezed a fart at me that day). I had to execute 4 members of the Unhasu Orchestra for refusing my request to play “Private Eyes” by Maestros Hall & Oates every time I walked into a room (also, they might have been spies for Maestros Hall & Oates, who I’m pretty sure are CIA operatives). While I’ve had to deal with disloyalty at the highest levels, nothing stings more than the ultimate betrayal: I found out that my closest confidante and chief sartorial advisor, Dennis Rodman, supported my arch-nemesis, dokkaebi Donald, in his seizure of power.   

Here are some pictures of me and Dennis in happier times. 

I have commanded my subjects to cease their public weeping and chest beating over the loss of Chief Minister Rodman. Now I must seek out a replacement to help me fulfill my destiny of defeating dokkaebi Donald in a televised cage match. Currently on my short list: 

Metta World Peace

Cobra Commander

and Scott Baio

[deardearleader-blog]

Return of the Un

I just wanted to say thank you for giving me the perfect reason to return to social media, Western Idiots. You’ve managed to elect someone who rivals my fashion sense, hair-stylings, and grace under fire - a true adversary. It’s like the greatest game of one-on-one ever imagined in political basketball analogies. I’m so excited about doing a double-pump jam in Donald’s face that I’ve already had my official artists paint it in my bedroom (next to my Michael Jordan Space Jam dreamscape). The election of America’s new supreme leader also puts me one step closer to fulfilling the ancient prophecy that I will battle a golden-haired, blue-eyed dokkaebi to the death in a war of worlds. In the ancient prophecy, I use swords and magic to defeat the beast. IRL I’m pretty sure I’ll just use my nukes.  Hahahahahaha. Major LOLZ. Game on, idiots.

[deardearleader-blog]

I'm Back, Idiots

Everyone can shut their non-deity mouths about my prolonged absence from social media.  I've been a little busy with state business - hosting Dennis Rodman for some serious street ball games, buying MiGs from Cuba (vintage!), and crushing my CrossFit program (which involves Jeff carrying me up and down flights of stairs in the State Palace). OH YEAH, and winning a serious game of nuclear war chicken with those spineless South Korean amoebas. 

So quit your bitching.  I'm back - and best of all, you can now answer MY questions on a new app called Loop.  Go find it in the App Store, pigs, and let the crowdsourcing of state policy begin!  Hahahaha!  Un out.

[deardearleader-blog]

Letter from a Non-Servant 5

Dear Dear Leader:

Is it true that you have unicorns in North Korea? If so, can I ride one?

Thanks,

A Seriously Depraved Idiot with the Intelligence of a Cabbage

Dear Depraved Cabbage-Idiot:

Yes, of course we have unicorns. What most Western idiots don't realize (because of their stunted growth and inability to see in 4D) is that all creatures that are considered "mythical" in the West live in abundance and plenty in the DPRK. It must be something in the water! LOL! :P

But seriously, what else would you expect me to ride in all of our state pageants and parades? A horse? A car? A large dog? Jeff? Don't be ridiculous (although I will accept Jeff or a tank if it's unicorn breeding season and none of our "state-approved giants" are available). As a direct descendant of King Tongmyong, who not only created the world, but rode a kick-ass kirin everywhere (in case you've never had the beer, a kirin is a dragon-tiger hybrid), state law requires that I appear on nothing less than an endangered species at all times.

If our countries weren't locked in a heated game of military chess and ideological warfare, I'd invite you to visit one of our many Majestic Wildlife Parks and Cross-Species Breeding Grounds of the People.  There you would see a dazzling array of unicorns, dragons, griffins, chupacabra, pegasus, ligers, yeti, and pot-bellied pigs. You might even have the privilege of being fed to one. Hahahaha!

Have fun living in your stupid, mythical-beast-lacking country! Game, Set, Match - UN!

[deardearleader-blog]

The Return of the Un

Glorious citizens of the DPRK!  Interloping Western idiots!  You can cease pounding your chests and weeping openly in the streets - I have returned to answer your letters and share my wisdom. You can thank my idiot manservant, Jeff, for my prolonged hiatus - he lost the keys to my hydroplane, failed to have my Garfield and Friends underwear pressed, and forgot all the passwords to my internet accounts. Don't worry - he was amply punished for his insolence and idiocy: he "volunteered" to be our first test subject in my new, top-secret science program titled "Operation: What Does This Do to Humans?" I'll be sure to yell at him for depriving you of my musings once he stops glowing and drooling. LOLZ! :D

So many glorious accomplishments to talk about ... our many successful rocket launches ... the unicorns I've been riding for years while the rest of you thought they only existed in Rainbow Brite cartoons and Trapper Keepers ... my 12th annual crowning as Sexiest Man Alive. 2012 was truly the year of the Un, but 2013 will be the 2nd Year of the Un (Year of the Un: Redux) - sequels are always better than the original.

[deardearleader-blog]

100 Years of Mourning

Hello my blessed minions, 

I apologize for depriving you of my wisdom for so long. A horrific tragedy has befallen the House of Un - my prized long-haired guinea pig, Karl Marx, died in a terrible wheel accident, so I've spent the last few weeks locked in my closet (don't worry - it's the size of most single family homes), crying, and eating cartons of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. My idiot manservant Jeff broke the door down this morning and dragged me out for my ritual sponge bath. I hate Jeff and his meddling - so what if I hadn't used a "real bathroom" in days? BOO, Jeff!  :(

Karl Marx was a gift from Hugo Chavez to my father on his first state visit to the DPRK. Dad then re-gifted him to me on my birthday. At first, I was pissed because what I really wanted for my birthday was a life-size replica of the pirate ship from the western spy thriller, The Goonies ...  But dad knew best - what 25 year-old doesn't want a guinea pig for a companion?  Karl Marx was my best friend - he was by my side (literally - I put him in my pocket and forgot he was there) when I took over the Supreme Command of the DPRK and even acted as a witness at my wedding.

Long Live Karl Marx, the Most Honorable and Majestic Guinea Pig of the People. In his honor, I declare 100 Years of Mourning. You can also make gifts in his memory to the Kim Jong-Un Fund to Build Awesome Pirate Ships.  

[deardearleader-blog]

Letter 8

Dear Dear Leader:

I am one of the hundreds of thousands of your faithful servants who lost their home in the terrible flooding last month. I am writing to beg for your help. My wife, three children, and I have been forced to move in with our extended family but they have little food and limited space to accommodate our needs. Please, Dear Leader - we ask that you help us rebuild our home so we can return to work and continue to serve you and our exalted homeland.

- Your Humble Servant who Dreams of Your Effulgent Face Every Night, Anju City, DPRK

Dear Humble Servant who Dreams of My Effulgent Face Every Night,

I am shocked and saddened by the news that so many of my intrepid followers do not have 2nd or 3rd homes that they can retreat to following a natural disaster of this kind. Geez you guys - maybe plan ahead next time! LOL! ;)  I would offer you and your family shelter in one of my many underground lairs around the country, but they're already filled with national treasures, like the Anak tomb paintings, guardian statues from the Buddhist temples, life-size cutouts of Michael Jordan, and my soccer trophies from grade school.

Jeff suggested I ask my government to set up emergency shelters around the country, but I slapped him across the face for speaking when not spoken to. What an idiot. In lieu of Jeff's stupid idea, I'm going to graciously offer you and you family day passes to my new AMUSEMENT PARK - the Rungna People's Pleasure Ground!  You can ride the roller coasters all day and forget your troubles - but if you try to turn any of the rides into a temporary shelter, the guards will taser you. You can thank me later! :D

[deardearleader-blog]

Letter from a Non-Servant 4

Dear Dear Leader:

What happened to your dad's hand?

Best,

Western Idiot Slim (teagend)

Dear Capitalist Pig:

First off, I don't like it when you refer to yourself as a Western idiot. Only I can do that, blasphemer! If you lived in my country, you'd be punished with my iron fist of justice (seriously, I just had one made) for such acts of indecency. LOLZ! :P

Secondly, tell me who used computer magic to make my father, the Sun of the Communist Future, look like my mint-condition action figure of Dr. Evil (from the Western documentary series on 1960s espionage, Austin Powers)! My father will reign fury from the heavens on the Western idiot who did this ... that, or I'll send one of my minions to destroy the contents of his evil computer using strawberry-flavored Fanta. Hahaha! I'm not kidding.

[deardearleader-blog]

Letter from a Non-Servant 3

Dear Dear Leader:

Where are you registered?

- An Embarrassment to Her Country (laurahy)

Dear Embarrassment to Her Country:

I presume you're referring to my marriage to the venerable and super hott, Ri Sol-Ju. In that case, I reject your feeble attempt to win my affections by offering capitalist consumer goods that were most like manufactured in China. As all my loyal and submissive subjects know, only the Great and Eternal Father (my dad) can bestow gifts upon a newly married couple. I've requested that dad bless our marriage with fealty, obedience, fun sexy times, enough competent children to field a full-court basketball team, his-and-hers matching navy pantsuits, and a pre-ordered copy of All-Stars Battle Royale for my PS3.

Unless you can magically procure one of those items, which I highly doubt since you are not a demi-god, you can just send cash. LOL! :D

[deardearleader-blog]

Things I Like, Part 6: Rollercoasters!

More specifically, making my top generals go on rollercoaster rides with me. If this isn't critical state business, I don't know what is! LOL ;P

P.S. You can even see Jeff in this picture - I always make him sit between my least favorite military officials because they tend to throw up on the rides. Hahaha GROSS!

[deardearleader-blog]

Things I Like, Part 5: Dominating the Olympics!

Yes, it's true - the DPRK Olympic team has completely overwhelmed its capitalist pig opponents in the 2012 Olympic games so far. We've captured medals in the only sports that truly matter: weight-lifting and judo. The Western idiot press is all excited about faithful comrade Om Yun Chol lifting 3 times his body weight. ZOMG! It's so easy! Any North Korean can do it! My grandfather, the Eternal Leader and Weightlifter of our Spirits, did it with one arm in the 1956 Communist Dictatorship Unification Games of the People's Army.

I'm so excited for our distinguished athletes to return home! Their medals will make excellent additions to my hope chest!

P.S. If anyone from the I.O.C. is reading this, I still don't understand why you won't allow the DPRK men's basketball team to compete? I think me, Michael Jordan (honorary North Korean citizen) and the 8 personal robots I ordered off of eBay qualify. Don't make me angry! LOL! ;0)

[deardearleader-blog]

Please Pardon Our Technical Difficulties

Sorry I've been gone for so long, Western idiots! My manservant Jeff knocked over the one interwebs transceiver in Pyongyang when we were playing an intense game of flag football (which I won 97-3). Never fear - Jeff was punished adequately. He had to dress up as my favorite capitalist pig cartoon characters and dance in front of the entire country, whilst having a pack of rabid jindos snap at his heels. LOL! :) I had so much fun until Jeff sprained an ankle.

Anyway, I encouraged all of my top state technicians to come up with a solution to our interwebs problem as quickly as possible; but due to the wild success of our nuclear missile lauch in April and the 3-month-long festival celebrating my scientific prowess, they didn't fix it until yesterday (spoiler alert: we used duct tape). Don't worry - most of them are now paying their state tax for idiocy in one of my Happy and Prosperous Work Camps!

So many letters to answer, so little time.

[deardearleader-blog]

Exhibit 1:  Real Car, Pyeonghwa Hwiparam  (see - there's a PERSON in it)

Exhibit 2: Fake Car, Fiat Siena (definitely a hologram - plus who believes the Italians make cars?!?)

[deardearleader-blog]

Letter 7

Dear Dear Leader:

I am a dedicated worker at your prolific and powerful Ryu Kyong-su Tank Factory. It is an honor to serve you and the Motherland through my work, but, Dear Leader, I have to walk nearly 13 kilometers to get to work each day and my one pair of standard-issue unification shoes have nearly worn through. I deferentially ask if it would be possible for more cars to be made available to steadfast comrades like myself?

- Your Humble Servant who would Walk Through Fire to Defend Your Sacred Name

 Dear Humble Servant who would Walk Through Fire to Defend My Sacred Name:

Thank you for your letter - it made my day ... until Jeff told me you weren't joking. My father, the Great General and Guiding Sun Ray, warned me that this generation of comrades was growing weak with its incessant want for things like "food" and "less torture." Perhaps I should raise the minimum work day from 17 to 18 hours to teach you a lesson? LOL!

Instead, I will answer your question. Contrary to whatever Western propaganda you've heard, the DPRK is currently the only country in the world that produces functional cars - any other "car" you may have seen was likely a painted piece of cardboard or a hologram. With this knowledge, you can understand why I cannot make more cars available - if I'm going to make our South Korean enemies pay for their "thrice-cursed crimes" (TM Kim Jong-Un, 2012), I need tanks!!! What else do you expect me to ride around in during our daily military parades - a Pyeongwha?  Gross!  : I

[deardearleader-blog]

Open Letter to all Western Idiots:  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Many of my loyal citizens have written to me, praising my brave and masterly statement against the plethora of crimes committed by my jerk-off neighbors to the South. You're welcome!!

P.S. While I was writing, Jeff dared me to use the phrase "puppet" more than 10 times and I did it!!! Now he owes me a king-sized Mounds bar. :D

May 2012 be the Year of the Un! LOL!

[deardearleader-blog]

Things I Like, Part 4: Taylor Lautner

My father was something of a film connoisseur, so many people ask me who my favorite actor of all-time is - that's such a stupid question. How could anyone who is mentally competent NOT choose Taylor Lautner?? I guess it would be possible if:

1) the idiot in question was blind; or

2) if the idiot in question had never seen Cheaper By the Dozen 2.

 If such people exist, I truly pity them and will gladly issue the order to have them immediately executed. I know I wouldn't want to live in a world without his acting talents. LOL!  Team Jacob!!!

P.S. Taylor - if you're reading this, please respond to my letters requesting your presence at our annual Pyongyang Film Festival ASAP.  We want to honor you with our Most Exalted Actor in the History of the World Award and I need to have the trophy engraved. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. :P