That's What She Said.

The need to express myself has become completely overwhelming in the past few years, and I just feel like I have been stuck in my own head. Now I am back and feeling much more human. It's amazing what a bit of time, love and Prozac will do.

[deardex]

Really enjoying my beautiful garden. Loving making my concrete jungle pretty ❤️

[deardex]

Some of the things that make me happy. God knows it's been a hard year so far!

[deardex]

This should be my anthem after the last ten days I have had! Good statement to live by!

[deardex]

1st February 2015

This last week has been absolutely horrible and I really hope that it hasn't marked the way that the year is going to pan out. Last week my dad slipped and fell onto the ice in his street and has fractured two vertebrae in his back. He has been in a huge amount of pain and I will have to go to Glasgow this week to help out when he gets home. He's in a back brace right now and he's really struggling. On top of that, my partner has decided he would like us to have a baby! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?? He has been trying to have a proper conversation with me all week about it. I can't even begin to discuss it. I have only just found myself again and am not sure if I actually want the trauma of a child to enter into my life. Once I become a mother, that's my identity gone forever. He's been away for the whole weekend which has given me a bit of time to think, but I still can't make a bloody decision! Aaaaaargh!! I feel that is the most pressure I have been under for such a long time. The clock is ticking...

[deardex]

Not necessarily broken, just normal.

[helainetieu]

Do people ever give you strange looks in public?

Yeah, I smile back because I have a strange smile.

[deardex]

As do I!

[deardex]

16th January 2015

Don't you just get sick and tired of large companies who offer consistently shite service and when you complain all you get flippant customer service representatives being patronizing bastards?

I have the misfortune to have to use the train service every day, and the train that I get in the morning is run by Transpennine. It is constantly late, if it even bothers to show up at all, and frequently overcrowded.

On Monday it was so crowded that I spent my half hour train journey pressed hard up against another man - we were both mortified and I am sure we both felt more than violated. Why? Because most of the seats were reserved and Transpennine, who clearly did not give a flying fuck about their regular customers, had not bothered to put any extra carriages on, despite the fact that there was very little room to move.

The train is consistently at least 5 minutes late, which is a lot of time when it frequently loses about another additional 10 minutes en route (and it is an express - there are no stops). When challenged about this, Transpennine declare that punctuality is defined on whether the train arrives within 10 minutes of it's designated time! So not only are the condescending, they seem to be rewriting certain words in the English language. I am sure that my boss would not be happy if I turned up 10 minutes late and said "Oh but Transpennine said it was OK!"

And this morning I was later, due to the fact that the train was missing 2 carriages and we were told that there would be no space for anyone to get onto the train at the station!

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I pay almost £40 a week to travel using a train service whose operators clearly do not give a fuck! Why are they allowed to get away with this and why are they not being more strictly regulated?

Rant over.

[deardex]

This is so true. I wonder how many other people out there suffer. There is help out there you only need to ask.

[deardex]

Happiness is a Journey...Not a Destination

Ben Sweetland

[deardex]

11th January 2015

I had the most amazingly dirty sex last night involving lots of bondage. For someone whose relationship was potentially on the rocks only a few months ago, we are really finding our mojo again and I am not fucking complaining! There's nothing like a good hard shagging to get the intimacy back up to scratch again. Speaking of that he has some pretty deep gouges from my fingernails which he has moaned about incessantly today, but I really didn't see him beating me off with a shitty stick last night... I am finding that I haven't really known who I was at all in the past few years. My natural, fiery and passionate personality is returning with a vengeance and I love it! Haven't felt this uninhibited since I was a teenager! We have been living in England one year today. I am not sure how that is even possible, but here we are. We have evolved and are moving onto the next stage of our life day by day. Baby steps but getting closer to absolute happiness and contentment every day.

[deardex]

9th January 2015

I have been thinking a lot recently about my life and the small changes that I can make to make myself happier, and become the person I really want to be. It's taken me a very long time to realize that you don't focus on the things you can't control, but rather all the things that you can.

I can control what I put into my body. I have stopped smoking (again). I don't want to make any comments about falling off the wagon, because that would be negative, so I will state that I am a non smoker.

I can control the food that I put into my body, and whilst I have to work at that, and the cutting out of the general crap, and eating more fruit, veg etc this is something I can control. It's nobody else's fault that I carry some extra pounds. It's my responsibility to have some discipline with food.

I can choose to focus on my work, and keep my house tidy, and I can choose to put makeup in every day and to keep my unkempt mop of red hair in some kind of order, and I can choose how my attitude will be to other people.

I am doing my best to stop being a control freak - I have a certain level of OCD which has plagued me most of my adult life, but seems to be subsiding a bit now as I relax a bit more. I even let my other half choose a new shower curtain (which I hate, but I choose to enter the spirit of compromise!) and make dinner a couple of nights ago (even though he burned it). It made him feel better about himself, and that makes us both feel happier.

I have also been making more time for myself and the things that I like to do and this week along I have baked three loaves of gorgeous bread to go with the huge pot of soup I made for lunches, and have knitted a beanie. I love to cook and I love to create. A long time ago I was an art student and I think that bit of me became lost somewhere along the line.

I just need to keep thinking positive and smile. I didn't know how good it could be to be happy. I am proud of me and the person I am becoming.

[deardex]

8th January 2015

It always amazes me how quickly I can get out of the house in the morning when I have to. This morning for example, one coffee drunk, hair done (put up but respectable nevertheless), full face of makeup on, dressed, lunch sorted, cat played with and out the door within half an hour.

Was running slightly late when I got to the train station, but the train was a few minutes late. It wasn't until I tried to get onto it that I experienced the rage.

I really hate ignorant people who push by you and have no consideration for anyone but themselves, but to add to the aggravation, this woman had an arse like a continental shelf. She was evidently quite well versed in using this to push mush smaller people away, to ensure that she gets one of the precious few seats on the train. I today was that smaller person and went banging into the person next to me, getting a dirty look for my trouble.

Now plainly this woman was a bit of a stranger to exercise, and we all carry a few pounds that we're not overly fond of (especially after Christmas) but would it really have killed her to stand for a 20 minute train journey? 

I have been baking a lot of bread lately a la epic Christmas breadmaker present. Maybe my karma for dissing this woman's posterior will be that mine will get twice as big due to the amount of bread I have been stuffing into my face.

I really hope that I am never intentionally so rude and ignorant as she was today.

Have managed to get to lunchtime without any further incident. Fingers crossed for the rest of the day.

[deardex]

To Hell and Back Again - January 2015

Dear Dex,

I can't believe a year has passed since we moved to England, it has been so long and so short at the same time. 

It's been a bit of a voyage of discovery for me, and I have really come to terms with all the bits of me that I hated, and all the bits that weren't working.

I have found the new love of my life and I don't know what I would do without him - Prozac. I can't believe that I had so many broken wires in my head. I must have been depressed for such a long time before I even realised there was a problem. I had been living under an induced fog for so long that I didn't even realise that it wasn't normality.

It sounds like a total cliche, but I truly feel as if someone has turned the light on and I can see things about the world that I had been missing for such a long time.

This year is the start of my new life, and I can be whoever I want to be, because for the first time in years I am happy.

I can't believe it :-)

[deardex]

Forgotten

Dear Dex,

Is it possible to miss the person who you used to be?

I miss the times when I was thin and healthy and used to have fun. I miss the fact that I used to be the most creative person in the room and now my head is just a foggy mess.

I miss the fact that I used to have bags of confidence, and now I feel as worthless and unwanted as a piece of shit on the bottom of someone's shoe.

I miss Glasgow, and all of my friends.

One of the things which has disappointed me the most is the fact that people who I thought were there for me, disappeared as soon as I had any needs. Why am I always the sucker who helps everyone out with everything but when I need help then they disappear.

There are no shades of grey when it comes to this, am having so many trust issues at the moment.

I am now unemployed and stuck in a country where I don't want to be, with nobody to call my own. This should be an exciting adventure, and it's all turning out to be a bit of a nightmare.

[deardex]

Trouble Settling

Dear Dex,

Been here for 5 weeks now and still feel totally out of sorts. I know that it's going to take a while, but I do just feel like I am drifting. Aimlessly. With nothing.

With every little detail and finishing touch the house seems more like home, but the work still seems to distant and York is just so small.

Spoke to Jen tonight. Am really missing my best friend, but she did make me feel so much better. Really can't wait to get back to Glasgow again.

Feel that there just isn't a place for me to fit in at the moment.

[deardex]

The Obliteration of Skaro

I think I might be falling apart, this new life things just aint all it's cracked up to be.

I am frustrated that Selby seems to be so tiny and backwards, and I miss Glasgow.

I know that it always takes a while to settle but right now to be honest all I want to do is sleep.

I hope that this passes. I have nothing more to say

[deardex]

January 2 2014

Dear Dex,

Sometimes the hardest thing to deal with is family, and not even your own, but your other half’s and still try to be diplomatic. It’s totally horrendous when people will not treat you like an adult because your boyfriend is the baby of his family.

For example, the impending move - his dad seems to want to organise everything including packing up our house a day early and leaving it in a fucking van overnight! Like hell will I leave my house out on the street in a van - all it takes is one person to know that it's full and then we are up shit creek without a paddle!

A bit disappointed with myself today, have smoked cigarettes today and stood on the scales and really got a shock. Seriously need to start to eat sensibly or else I will end up a huge fat blob and I am not happy with that! Didn't help that I seen a photograph of someone I shouldn't have and she looked fabulous in it and I know that I can look that good too. Another day down until we get out of this place and away from everyone who has shafted us.