Dear Fara

A blog for my daughter, Fara Allegria Maharani. By Aulia Masna

[dearfara]

This is probably the longest gap between posts that I’ve had on here. Sorry for not writing earlier. A lot of things happened and while I kept thinking about sharing them here I ended up getting distracted each time.

Hate to break this news to you this way and this late. Your grandpa, my dad, left this world on 30th of August. He was 86. It’s unfortunate that the two of you never got to see each other after your mom and I went separate ways. He’s always loved you and thought that one day when you’re older he might have a chance to see you again. I guess he kind of can now, from up there.

You’re 18 now, yet another milestone into adulthood and on your way to living your own life. I hope life has been kinder to you and helped open doors for you to be who you want to become and set you on your way to your life goals. I wish for you the strength to keep going and make your own choices, the clarity to know what matters, and the courage to walk away from things that don’t. This is your path, you create your own map, you set your own trails and destination. How you get there is up to you but if you need anything, if you need to talk, if you need my help, I’ll be right here waiting, supporting you.

I’ll always love you.

Dad

[dearfara]

It’s New Year again

It’s hard to believe it’s already 2025 — 25 years into the 21st century. Time really does fly, doesn’t it? I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, especially as the new year rolls in. It’s wild to think that you’re 17 now, and you’ll be 18 this year. I know I haven’t been there to see you grow up and you know I would if I could, but I want you to know that you’ve always been on my mind and in my heart.

Being an adult is… well, it’s a mix of things. It’s exciting because you get to make your own choices and carve out your own path. But it can also be tough sometimes — figuring out what you want, dealing with responsibilities, and learning as you go. The good news is, you don’t have to have it all figured out right away. Take your time, trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to go after the things that feel right to you. You’ve got so much ahead of you, and I know you’re going to do amazing things.

I just want you to know that I miss you. I really do. And even though we’ve been apart, I care about you more than I can say. I hope you know that you’re loved, and that I’m always rooting for you, no matter where life takes you.

This new year is a fresh start, and I hope it brings you closer to your dreams. Whatever you do, just remember to be kind to yourself, take chances when they feel right, and enjoy the journey. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and I can’t wait to see all the incredible things you’ll do.

Take care of yourself, kiddo. I’m always here, thinking of you.

Love, Dad

[dearfara]

Hey, Fara, well what do you know, you’re suddenly older now, you’re practically a grown up. Time flies so fast and now you’re an adult. You may be 17 but you’ll forever be my little girl. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder how you’re doing. I wish we could celebrate this special day together, I miss you terribly.

This past year must have been incredibly tough and I can’t imagine how hard it has been since your mother passed a year ago. It’s probably the toughest year of your life even with your grandmother around. It’s a drastic and harrowing change that you shouldn’t have had to go through at your age. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t around to be with you all these years. I tried what I could and for a long time I didn’t even know where you were.

I want you to know I believe in you, that you can be a strong, independent, and amazing woman that you have the power to be. I wish for things to be easier for you, for paths to open for you, and opportunities to present themselves before you. You have an incredible life ahead and everything in your power to make it the best life you can live.

I hope one day we can reconnect and make up for all the lost time. You’re my daughter, I miss you and I love you with all my heart. Have a great birthday and an even better year, Fara.

With all my love,

Dad

[dearfara]

As we begin 2024, I find myself reflecting on our relationship and wishing that we could reconnect.

It’s been too long since we saw each other and while we may have different ideas and thoughts about each other, I still hold out hope that some day we’ll be able to reconnect and reconcile our relationship and mend what was broken.

Despite the distance you’ve always been in my thoughts. I treasure what little time we spent together and thankful each time I hear something new about you.

It broke my heart when I found out of your mom’s passing. You’re still so young with so much to look forward to and so many things to achieve. It saddens me that you won’t be able to share more days and moments with her. She’s been your rock, your guide, your protector, and your guardian and I can’t imagine your pain in losing her.

I know there’s been a lot of hurt but you know I am here for you whenever you feel you’re ready to talk. There is so much I want to understand about your life now. I hope 2024 brings you happiness, health and fulfillment. Most of all, I hope we can take small steps to renew our relationship.

I want you to know that I love you unconditionally.

Love,

Dad

[dearfara]

Before the day is over I want to say a few words about today. Another year has passed but this has to be the hardest one because of what happened last month. This isn’t how turning 16 is supposed to be. I can’t sympathize enough over this terrible grief you must be having. I’m so sorry. I wish we could be a lot closer, I wish I could be the parent you deserve and someone you can rely on.

I hope you’re becoming an ever stronger and more resilient person as you grow up. I hope you can be what you want to be and enjoy the life that you deserve. I’m always here if you need me, just reach out.

Here’s to a much better year, Fara. I love you.

[dearfara]

My dearest Fara, this is not how I wanted to finally come and see you in Bali. When I received the news this morning my first thought was about you.

Your mother’s passing was tragic and unfortunate and I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for you. I hope you can find the strength to face the challenges ahead because it’s going to be difficult without her. It seems that you and your mother have a close knit circle of friends and community to rely on so hopefully that’s going to alleviate some of the difficulties.

If you choose to stay with them and continue the life you’ve lived since moving to Bali, I can respect that. Your grandmother seems to have decided that she will move and take care of you in Bali so at least you’ll still have family there.

If you instead would like to come back to Jakarta and live with me and your brother, I’d be more than happy to have you, but bear in mind it’s going to be a very different life and you will have quite a few adjustments to make.

Remember, you are Balinese. My mother was born in Singaraja, her mother was also from Singaraja. Your great grandfather built the first high school in Singaraja. You have a biological and spiritual connection to the island and to the people. In Bali, you are home.

I will always be here for you any time you feel the need to see or be with me.

I love you, Fara. I always will.

[dearfara]

Another year’s gone by. It hasn’t been the easiest. There were so many challenges, so many ups and downs, but we survived. Barely. I’m counting on this year to be another breakthrough year that will put us back on track. It was rough but not without some glimpses of opportunities that hopefully will present themselves much more clearly this time.

Here’s to more good things coming our way. Always thinking of you.

-Dad.

[dearfara]

Do you realize what it means to be 15? It means your parents are old, hahahahah. Oh, boy. Y’know, it’s one of those milestones you know will happen one day but when the day finally arrives it really comes with a wake up call for a parent, “You have a 15 year old!”

You’re old enough to do so many things on your own, to be your own person, to discover the world, and to think for yourself, but, there’s a but. You’re not yet an adult, so parental supervision, guidance, and protection remain important. In two years you’ll be one. That’s not a long time considering you’re now 15. And you’ll be entering university soon enough. That’s an even bigger wake up call for a parent, to have their child be at university, because the deadlines for so many things are even closer than ever, it’s frightening! It’s also exciting but it’s terrifying even more so for a parent.

Like any other kid, including myself at your age, you probably can’t wait to be an adult, but parents always wish their child stays as a child. They don’t want the kids to grow up not because they’ll lose control over them but because they’re afraid of the terrible things that might happen to their children. It’s a parental instinct to always want to keep their children safe from harm as much as possible. Just keep that in mind, ya?

There are so many things I wish for you on this day but most importantly I wish you health and happiness. Happy birthday, Fara!

[dearfara]

Mid year holiday. It’s been a while, eh, Fara? Got any plans to spend this long break? After 2.5 years of this pandemic it’s getting really tiring and the moment people can go traveling again, everything suddenly becomes way more expensive.

Traveling on your own now costs about the same as a whole family back then, not to mention flight cancellations or rescheduling at the drop of a hat.

I’m still in the middle of working things out. It has been rather challenging this year across the board, hence my lack of updates and other things. I’m still here if you need to reach out.

Your brother’s been making really good progress, at least. Suddenly he decided learning the Russian and Serbian alphabets is a good idea and I’m struggling to keep up, hahah. He’s pretty good with the regular ones and the Arabic set so maybe he was looking for another challenge. Heck of a kid, he is, you should see him.

Anyway, we’ll catch up again soon. Love you.

[dearfara]

Hey, Fara, Happy New Year! How are you doing so far, keeping healthy? How did you spend your Christmas and New Year break? On my side things are alright, a bit of a challenge but nothing I can’t figure out. I’m working on a few things and hopefully they’ll work out pretty soon, I’m pretty excited and looking forward to seeing them take off.

On the family side, your brother’s progressing pretty well and he’s as happy as he can be. Grandma and grandpa are also pretty healthy, given their age, and your uncle’s been quite handy to help out around the house and with Adrian.

If you ever wanna get in touch, I’m not difficult to find, just look me up.

Miss you a lot,

Dad

[dearfara]

Hey there, not so little girl, how’ve you been, you doing alright? Whether you’re getting ready to go back to school or still doing everything remotely, hope you’re in good spirits.

Grandma got sick a little while ago but she’s getting better now, still has to see the doctor for regular check ups and should be good to start waking outside the house again for exercises shortly. She’s had to stay in bed for quite a while recently.

Things are getting back to pre-pandemic activities around here with the exception of having to wear masks and entrance screenings at buildings and public facilities.

This whole situation has been tough on everyone, me included, hope you’re managing it well. Your brother’s really chatty now and he still does things his own way. Quite the stubborn one, he is.

Haven’t been able to send you gifts the last few years but know that we all still think about you, and we love you nonetheless.

Happy birthday, FAM! I’ll always be here for you.

Dad

[dearfara]

Hey, Fara, how are things with you? Wanna let you know that I’m back in Indonesia now, and it might be for good, so if we ever get the chance, I’d love to spend time with you again, more often hopefully. There’s a few changes on my end that I’d like to share with you and if you like, you can be a part of it too one way or another. We also have a lot of catching up to do once we get through this pandemic.

Hope you’re doing great at school and at home. Love you,

Dad.

[dearfara]

My dearest daughter,

There is a lot to being a teenager and it can be overwhelming, but it can also be among the most colorful and memorable years of your life. Make the most of this new chapter of yours. Take the opportunities that come to you, become the person you want to be and have the time of your life. I love you and I’m always here for you, just a message away. Happy birthday, Fara!

Dad

[dearfara]

Hey Fara. Coming up to month five of the pandemic. Hope you’re doing alright and keeping safe. Daddy misses you.

Wanna share this pic of your brother. He’s so big now and he can be very stubborn which makes him really cute. He took that cat in the hat photo by himself. He just had his first haircut since March.

[dearfara]

Hi Fara, I‘m sorry for not being there with you all these years. You know I’ve always made an effort but the decision was taken out of my hands so there wasn’t much I could do. Those few times we sat together and talked and the few moments we shared are always with me and I’ll always be here, waiting for you. Just reach out, because I can’t reach you. I love you, my little girl.

[dearfara]

Hey, Fara, this is it eh, you’re going to middle school. I’m having a hard time processing this, hahahah, you and your step sis both at the same time. Wish I could see you start at your new school, wherever that may be. Schools across the island still can’t open until at least September so Zizi’s gonna have to start school from home like the last three months. Hope you’ll like your new school with new friends. Let me know? Write to me anytime, I’m easy to find online.

Love you, Fara.

[dearfara]

Hey kiddo, it’s been a month since Singapore started circuit breaker and it’s gonna keep going until the end of May. They’re talking about easing measures here because the numbers in general population have gone down significantly, though the dorm clusters are still very much in the hundreds.

Over there, looks like things haven’t really improved but I hope all’s good with you and your mom. Stay healthy and stay away from crowds, okay? Find things to keep yourself busy and entertained at home. I’m here if you need me, let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.

Love you,

Dad.