dearjudee; @dearjudee - Tumblr Blog

I want to be a songwriter.

Writers block

All my songs are about you.

I refuse to write because I refuse to let you have that power over me.

So I’ll stop if I need to, until my heart can understand its lesson. To live and let to. To understand that it’s okay, and it can stand on its own. Until it wants nothing to do without you.

#heart

Callback

All I want is a callback. I’m tired of waking up in different beds hoping for an answer.

orientas

I don’t smoke. I can’t stand the smell of cigarette because it reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me of the car rides and the scent of my hair that used to linger everytime I went everywhere.

I don’t smoke, unless I need you. When I have to feel close and need you.

I don’t smoke, unless I want to. To feel that I’m still alive, and that you’re still here. To remind me that you still won’t want me.

I don’t smoke, but you do. So I’ll keep that in my memory, and hope the next man in my life won’t. So he won’t disappoint me like you did.

I don’t smoke, but I wish I did. To at least have something non-physical in common with you.

I smoked a full packet today. My voice left.

Black Sheep

I have always been the black sheep of my family. I was always the one who never understood the word ‘no’, or the sentence ‘take a step back’. My mind goes at 100 miles per hour, and without knowing, I am going on my next trip, following a road that I don’t know where it’s leading. That’s what I do.

You see, I have plans. So many plans. That sometimes I won’t allow myself to follow through or won't’ complete because I get scared, which is normal for me. I have always been limited to doing stuff because I am scared. Shame of myself, my looks, my thoughts, my way of living as a ‘woman’. No shame in admitting it, honestly, because I learned that I live life like I am scared. Scared of life, others, myself, my thoughts, my actions, pretty much everything. I am carrying the weight of the world in my hands, scared to drop it, scared to go asleep afraid that something that world won't’ be there when I wake up.

I always tell myself I follow my heart, my gut, but in reality, I follow my head. Sometimes, that is the only logical piece of my body that understand what I’m feeling. My head that runs at 100 miles per hour. The black sheet that insists that sometimes being the black sheep is better than following societies expectations. Because this way, even if it’s for a single moment, I have a voice.

#black sheep #hi #i'm back