“It’s not–” it’s not because they’re muggleborns, not really. Because she’s his best friend and that makes it impossible to hate someone who has something in common with her. It’s not that, though it’s what he tells his fellow Slytherins so they will accept him.
It’s because they laugh at him like he’s less than everyone else, like he’s not worth common courtesy or politeness no matter what might be wrong with him.
“I would never hurt you, never, and I’d never leave you. You’re my best friend, I wouldn’t–” he stops there, helpless to choose words that could ever be good enough to explain to her why he does what he does. He’ll admit, though only to himself, that a part of him had thought she already knew. That she understands him in every way.
He doesn’t like being wrong, feeling wrong. But he knows also that no one will ever know everything about anyone. He won’t let her end up like his mom, so in a way it’s better that she learns him now than later.
At least she won’t be blindsided by the bad parts of him when it’s too late, right?
Because she wants, truly desires to believe every word he says and isn’t that just plain stupid? Again this it what people call love and she’ll take that explanation for now, for being irrational. “It’s not because of our birth, is that what you want to say?” She intends to be mocking, in all grace, but ends up sounding far more brittle than she’d like.
This makes her feel not enough, makes her feel less than a witch and more like that stupid bint who thinks spreading her legs is gonna make her more likeable. She’s not like that. She doesn’t want to be.
Yet, in some ways, she’s just as insecure. It shows in the small voice that carries through the corridor, quiet and far too childlike. “You’re my best friend too.” Because if all comes down, that remains true. She could cut it off, but she could never stop thinking of Severus as her best friend. “It’s just hard being the only person knowing that you’re not evil and trying to manipulate me. That you’re… kind in your ways. I don’t know how long I can continue like this if nothing changes.”
If there’s no finish line for it, is what she wants to say but doesn’t, fearing it might just be her wishful thinking that after graduation they can go back to just being Severus and Lily.
And stop being a Slytherin and a Gryffindor.
“It’s not,” none of what he’d like to say is something he’s ready to tell her. He knows how she is, he knows how she’ll react, and he knows how Hogwarts in general will react to that. He can’t live a life being mocked for having to be protected by her, not when he’s a Slytherin surrounded by those who would do worse than mock him for it.
He can protect himself, he can. But he can’t hide from them for ever, and every magic he knows is something they know too. The spells he’s created can be learned, and he knows that if he does not pass some of it on to some of them, he will suffer for it.
Slytherin is not the same as he imagines Gryffindor might be for her. Though he worries at her proximity with Potter and the rest, she’s got friends who seems to have no issue with anything of hers except her friendship with him.
Some days he fears she might choose them over him, but he never lets it keep him down for long. While he has her friendship, he’s going to do his damnedest to keep it.
“I don’t trust them not to hurt you because of me.”
Hate is such a strong word to use, yet nothing better comes to her mind regarding the situation. She hates this. Abhors fighting with him, loathes this school for cultivating these toxic relations between houses. She despises every word not said.
“So you want me to... do what? Ignore all these nasty things you mutter while being with your mates? My own feelings on this matter?” She wants to be stronger, be tougher, force herself through until graduation day comes. Oh, how deeply she wishes she could just ignore everything, stand by his side and quietly endure it.
But she’s not able to. Friendship is important, her house is important.
“Tell me. I’m able to defend myself, you know this. So I want an answer. For how long?”
Intuition whispers of long years with multiple difficulties if she so chooses to wait. Sadly, right now she’s inclined to even do it.
Oh, her house is gonna hate her for this.
