Welcome to the place where I throw up my feelings

[deathbeds-bmth]

Not so long ago my boyfriend and I had a long discussion because we found out he was ace 7 months into our relationship, the problem wasn't his identity (obviously, plus being bisexual myself I know how it feels to not be straight) but the big and deep difference we had regarding what we expected from it in that aspect (or so I thought).

I went to different social media (mostly reddit) to seek advice, help, something, and after much communication we could build a brigde to cross and be in the middle of the now not so huge abyss, we had more in common than we initially thought so it went really well.

We love each other deeply and we could find ourselves again after a long dark tunnel, so this piece is dedicated to that moment, to him, to me, to us.

Translation here

"At the en of the tunnel

Falling in love alone? Falling into love with you

Within our mistakes, Find a way

After the Silence,

Being sure we want to be together

And feel complete, and hug,

and respect each other, and be good,

Conquer the world, with you"

(On a side note what worked best for us was to write a want/will/won't list, want as in things we really like and want to do, will as in things that we will do because we don't mind doing them but we don't exactly want them either and won't as in BIG NOPE BACK OFF)

[slaughtervoid]

Getting married has been something I’ve always wanted and simultaneously knew I would never have. I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I’m particular as shit, ornery and I like my space, my independence, my solitude. But at the same time- well. Everyone wants to love. To know and say they have a family that loves them. And my birth family might’ve said they loved me. They certainly loved their daughter. 

It turned out they didn’t love how she insisted she was their son. 

You know how that kind of thing goes. It really doesn’t have too much to do with this story except giving me a complex about belonging to a family that wanted me for myself.

When I saw the ad on Craigslist, I was looking for used furniture. Scrolled too fast, accidentally opened up domestic gigs. The first listing caught my eye.

“Wanted: Compassionate man to marry our recently deceased daughter.”

The initial click was just out of morbid interest.

It read, simply enough, “Our daughter wanted to be married and we want to keep our promise to her that she would be. She has passed away, and we are seeking a kind and compassionate man to engage in a quiet, non-legally binding ceremony and become our in-law. 

“This is not a joke and we are in bereavement. Please keep this in mind when considering your reply.”

It got taken down within the next five minutes, either by the family or moderation, but I’d already texted the number provided.

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[deathbeds-bmth]

Too many beds,

Too many doors,

Too many blankets,

Too many rooms.

Too many plates,

Too many boxes,

Too many windows,

Too many toothbrushes.

Too much space,

Too many bathrooms,

Do we need two kitchens?

Do we need two houses?

Too many lights,

To fill the dark places;

They destroyed a wall,

And a place to return to.

They painted them all,

Painted them all over,

Covered the traces,

Of a family long forgotten.

We forgot ourselves,

What we were together,

We drifted apart,

We couldn't say goodbye.

So little people,

So little displayed emotions,

So little time to prepare,

To pretend it's ok.

To pretend I don't mind,

To hide the negative part of myself,

A loved one just showed me,

It's ok to care.

[deathbeds-bmth]

Tired

Maybe it's the lack of sleep

or exercise or water or counting sheep

Maybe is more than that

I have no energy

I can't focus on anything

I barely read my sentences

I only play a game daily

but even that I can't do well

And when I study I can't retain

I'm just existing

I feel out of me

I can't feel

It's just this void

This emptiness

I need will

But I don't want to continue

Just give me five minutes

maybe more than five minutes

I can't accomplish what I need to

Do I need to? Do I want to?

What am I doing?

Am I wasting time?

I feel so so out of this reality

so out of me

I can't interact with the world

It's like a barrier

A barrier in front of me

Everything's so heavy

I'm tired

[deathbeds-bmth]

i kinda want to die

[deathbeds-bmth]

Three words

Two days thinking

One night crying

FAT

stupid girl

[deathbeds-bmth]

I went to a party by myself, with a witch costume

highlight of the night

i met new people

i encountered an old friend

i went with that new people to the street and saw them drink (illegal stuff in my country)

ijust remembered to people that would have been down for this party, dumb me

no friend said yes

i was attracted to a butch that tuned out to be a bisexual guy and all the charm was gone when i discovered it was a he

maybe i'm a lesbian????

[deathbeds-bmth]

Today she said

'are you going already? you are going to miss our walk with your grandma'

She said that

She meant it

She was sad about it too?

'I have to go and you know it'

'Do you think i like how things are?'

'I have responsabilities'

'I'm missing so much of her'

'I miss her the most when i'm not around'

'I didn't ask for this situation'

'I feel guilty it's more comfortable this way'

words I didn't say and got stuck in a smile

She said that but she didn't mean to hurt me

I hope she didn't mean to

[deathbeds-bmth]

I hate how you crawl under my skin, boiling every millimeter by just being here, how everyword you say i take as meaningful, how little you seem to care at times, how i can't make up my mind about you. I hate how you crawl under my skin, how you can manage to change my emotions, I get mad at myself, after all these years it's still the same, when will I stop being stuck on you?, I wanted forever but sometimes it just hurts. And I hate how you crawl under my skin.

sad complains I write about you

[deathbeds-bmth]

Nothing i do it's enough

[deathbeds-bmth]

fucking eject me to the sun

[deathbeds-bmth]

Yisuus fucking christ god dammit why am i like this. Even though i know i can be liked by everyone..nor that i want to be liked it's just i thought it was fair to do something and it got my friends mad i don't think they are mad omg i don't know if they're mad at me...i'm like a monica geller omg why am.i like this

[deathbeds-bmth]

omg i feel so ugly

[deathbeds-bmth]

I know I'm an adult but I can't deal with my parents' problems, just hearing them makes exhausted and I end up so very tired I don't know if it's just tiresome or if it actually makes me sad...tired and sad, great. I used to write poems about it when I head the energy

[deathbeds-bmth]

when parents act like children uugh just ugh

[deathbeds-bmth]

I need someone to talk, but at the same time I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, everyone has problems, we live and we move one, it's that simple.

[deathbeds-bmth]

there are people who don't have the right to cry, break, let it out. I feel I'm one of those people, is not that I don't have the right to feel but if I act the way I feel it'll be troublesome for others nor my problems will be fixed so I just have to keep my mouth shut and complain on the internet, hoping others say 'same' and we move on