Common experiences with abusive mom:
hyper fixates on your appearance, constantly makes you incredibly self-aware of how you look and what others are thinking of you
compares you to other people, to show you what you should be more like (or look more like), making you feel like you’re the only worthless person
tries to control and micromanage your appearance, threatens you with missing out this and that if you don’t look up to her standards
uses you as emotional and psychological support
tells you how you are the only one who understands and loves her, forcing you to bear the burden of living as her “support system”
constantly makes you feel guilty for everything that is happening to her, makes you feel as if you owe her to make the world a bearable place for her
shares traumatic stories from her past that you are too young to understand and react to, expects unconditional emotional support and therapy from you even when you are a child
if the dad is abusive too, accuses you of being “just like him” or tells you that you remind her of him when she lashes out on you
also if father or another person is abusing you, she stands on their side or just pretends not to see or notice it’s going on, later tells you it’s your fault
silences your opinions with “you don’t know anything”
shows exaggerated concern for you for purpose of controlling where you go and what you do, makes you feel obliged to avoid certain places or situations so “she wouldn’t worry” but it extends to stuff you would usually be able to do safely, like hanging out with friends or traveling or having a social life
forces you to center her well being and her happiness more than your own and if you do anything for your own good, you will be called out for not thinking of her first
doesn’t feel responsible for providing you with decent meals or wardrobe, doesn’t notice when you’re hungry or lacking in basic resources, but lashes out at you if anyone else notices for “embarrassing her”
or alternatively, is crazy controlling over when you’re allowed to eat, what you’re allowed to eat, and what resources you are allowed to have
pushes you into interests and activities she wants you to have, disregards and criticizes everything you do that she doesn’t like
her behavior towards you changes in public, she becomes must more concerned over how other people perceive her relationship to you, is generally nicer if other people are listening
feigns concern towards you in front of others, in private keeps telling you how you’ll never make anything out of yourself
tries very hard to keep you at home forever if possible, refuses to teach you basic life skills, denies you resources you need to learn how to make something on your own, convinces you that you are in fact, helpless and incapable of survival without her, insists that you be dependent on her
breaks into your privacy, demands sensitive information about your relationships, conversations and thoughts, everything you do not feel comfortable about telling her because you know she’ll use it against you
accuses you of being a failure as a child, for being “heartless” and not caring about her at all, reminds you of everything she’s been thru only to raise you, talks as if she sacrificed herself for you
has periods where she doesn’t seem to even notice you, then in other times is completely obsessed with you and wont let you out of her sight
acts aggressive at times but always with pretense that her violence doesn’t count because she’s not physically able to seriously injure you, disregards all psychological and mental wounds of being assaulted and hurt by your own mother
acts like you’re an extension of her and have no existence or life of your own, refuses to accept any individuality and tries to prevent you from growing up and becoming your own person
makes you feel too guilty to say no to her, uses every social convention to make you feel as if you’re using and discarding your poor mother when all you want is to create a single boundary
refuses to acknowledge any of your successes but brings up your failures as a proof that nothing will ever become of you
insists over and over again that all she does is out of concern and love
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