Famous Tales Untold

Here! Here's a story! You really want to tell it, don't you? I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours.

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Illegal Immigrant?

So it appears that they're going to deport anyone who's here without going through the admission procedure, and any of their offspring.

My several-greats grandfather came her to make war on America. He just kind of forgot to go back to . . . Hesse. That's now part of Germany.

It'll probably take them a while to get to me, and I am very, very white, but I'm no friend of the new administration. Also I live in a tiny town in the west, which half the time no one knows how to find anyway.

Do ya think I'll be able to stay?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

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Alpha Male Competition

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Song for Someone named Kevin

How many times can a man sell his soul, and not even flinch at the cost?

And how many times must the voters say no, before he admits that he lost?

How many times will he grovel on the floor, knowin' he'll never be the boss?

The answer, my friend, is “one more time again,”

The answer is “one more time again.”

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Epiphany, 60 years late

I woke up this morning singing an advertising jingle from my early teen years, and suddenly realized what pre-pubescent me didn’t, couldn’t, know about the subtle message. Television couldn’t show anything that looked remotely like sexual activity, but always the magazine and newspaper ads looked like this. The song that accompanied the jingle on television? Makin’ Whoopee. 

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GOP Porn

If you put immigrants on a plane or a bus and drive them to a place where they’ve never been, have no relatives, refuse to offer them food or water, don’t speak the language and have no money to live on, and you lie to them about where you’re taking them and what they’ll find there, that’s known as human trafficking. 

Who engages in trafficking: the Governors of the states that colluded to do it. the driver of the bus or pilot and crew of the plane, the person who tells them what’s going to happen, the people who lead them to the bus or plane. 

Will the Department of Justice respond? IDK. 

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A Very Short PSA

If you think you need to dose yourself with Narcan (naloxone), well ,,, you don’t. Thank you for attending my TED talk. 

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Politically Incorrect Gardening

This year, I tried out a new variety of carrots called “Urban Planners.” I planted wo straight rows evenly spaced at six inches apart, and seeds every 1-2 inches. The variety was developed at a Montessori school, which I should have considered. Today I have a patch of cheerful carrot sprouts. None of them grew in the rows I planted. 

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Barbara Streisand turns 80 today.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8L-lrqm1vk

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Surrender

Today, April 9 is the anniversary of the start of a long tradition of losers, continuing into the present. 

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The Chaos Garden

Today I started planting my chaos garden. The Chaos Garden, if you’re not familiar with it, is a concept ideally suited for those for whom gardening may be a contact sport employing goblins, light sabers and unicorns. NO SKILL IS REQUIRED. 

I store my seeds in a box every fall, and inevitably seeds fall out of their unsealed packets and cover the bottom of the box. In spring, I remove them, with no clue what kind of seed they might be. I designate a plot in the garden as Chaos, carefully prepare the soil, and scatter them willy-nilly over the entire plot. Cover it all with a half inch or so of soil, and VOILA!!!  a garden. 

Sometimes things actually grow. The success makes me giddy, so I go out and plant more seeds in rows, and hillocks, and finger holes pushed into the dirt. These will all die. 

HEY, EVERYONE, IT’S SPRING!!!!!

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The Amazing Self-Cloning Novel

Do your stories clone themselves while you’re writing? Mine do. 20K words into a novel, it decides to become a different novel, and I don’t notice for another 10K words. 

Almost always, the clone is a better tale than its predecessor, which was a better story than the one before that. And that’s how I never get a work completed.

 Now, you can blame it on my ADD, or my moon sign, or whatever, but that doesn’t help get the work done. So I think I just came up with a !!PLAN!!! At the end of each chapter or significant sequence that suggests the new direction, save a copy, but rename it to reflect the change of thought pattern. Maybe? 

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Pure Cojones

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Demics in the Olden Days

I heard someone saying the pandemic is unpopular. When I was a kid we had POPULAR demics. We'd get out of class and we'd have to go line up at the nurse's office, and they'd poke you with FOUR needles at the very same time! They called it a time test, because it was supposed to make a scab, and you had to wait for a week, and if it didn't, you had to go to the doctor and they made you do a x-ray.

And they gave us a shot for the small pocks, too. My teacher, Miss Grossman, told us it was really cow pocks and it would make one on my arm, and she got mad when I kept asking why there were no packs of cows, and sent me to the office, because she thought I was just being a smarty-pants.

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They asked me if I’d ever thought about a 401k. I told them 10k was the farthest I’ve ever run.

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My next project is a book about famous crimes and the criminals who commit them. I like to go to the pub to work. When people ask what I’m doing, I tell them I’m writing wrongs. 

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What wasn’t in the book