You Shouldn't Hurt Yourself: Chapter 1/2: Self-Hating Pity Party
Summary: Siffrin decides to experiment and see if there is a pain threshold that would trigger a loop.
[A/N] Another fic I wrote a while ago but then sat on because I was so busy with what I think is the longest fic I've ever written to edit and upload this one. It's based on an Outer Wilds fic I wrote called 'Don't Hurt Yourself'. I don't remember why I started thinking about what that general idea would look like in ISaT (probably related to trying to come up with a way that a crossover would work between them, a problem I'm still mulling over) but this is what I landed on for it.
Content Warning on page self-harm and eye trauma.
~
Siffrin somewhat knew the limits on how far they could be pushed emotionally before triggering a loop but what about physically? Death obviously caused it but would Loop’s hypothetical about having their legs chopped off cause it too? What if it was only one leg or an arm or just a hand? Surely just one finger wouldn’t but that brought the question of how much physical pain could they bear before hitting the threshold and looping as a result? Because if there was a threshold for emotional turmoil, there had to be one for pain too, right?
It was important to know that, right? Loop had already tricked him into experiencing the emotional side of that so perhaps he should explore the physical side of that question too? The more they knew, the better, right? And surely letting the others go in alone and die to the King was worse than hurting himself to learn more about the loops. And he’d already killed himself a bunch with the dagger, this would be more of that but slightly different. … Loop would disapprove. He didn’t have to bring the idea to them though or even ask permission, he could just do it. And if Loop didn’t like it then that was just too bad because he hadn’t liked their little ‘hang out with me for a loop’ trick. Yeah, that was a long while ago at this point but he was allowed to still be a little upset about it, right? So he was justified in exploring his idea alone without even telling them.
Doing that kind of experiment inside the House was out of the question. Even if they did it in the bathroom on the third floor, they’d get caught and then loop because anyone seeing them do such a thing would surely cause them to hit their emotional limit. The field in Dormont was too open though and there were too many witnesses around in general. That didn’t leave them with many options. … Maybe the Clock Tower? Everyone met there at night but in the daytime it should be empty.
There’d be a certain sense of drama to that too, right? All the goings-on within the Clock Tower always included unavoidable emotional pain points after all. The reminder of the fact that no one wanted to touch them and Isa’s unintentional taunt about the thing he would never say because deep down inside he knew he shouldn’t feel that way about them. Which made the Clock Tower an unpleasant place that they already only went to, to hurt themself. Something they’d been doing less and less lately because why bother when they could just skip straight to the House? But going back to make that pain physical too just made poetic sense, didn’t it?
Decision made, he reeled his line in and stood. The fisherman said their line as he handed the rod back. He gave the appropriate response with a nod before turning and walking away.
Mira seated on her bench, going over her bonding papers, looked up and spotted them. She smile and waved. They put on a smile for her and waved back, letting it fall as soon as they turned to start east. The location of their intended experiment did make it a bit risky. They’d have to make sure to wrap it up before anyone else arrived. That should be fairly easy. If they heard anyone come in they could go for the tried and true method of killing themself to loop immediately before getting caught.
~
The Clock Tower’s bathroom had a small wall mounted mirror above the sink. It was an old tarnished thing but it served its purpose well enough anyway. With a bit of finagling Siffrin freed it from its mountings and brought it into the bedroom. Should they close the door or… no, they shouldn’t. Leaving it open would let them hear if anyone came in through the front and started up the stairs, giving them more time to ensure a loop before getting caught.
He placed the mirror in the rear corner, leaning up against both walls, and sat down on the floor in front of it. The silence of the place was strange. Usually this space was filled with the sound of his family’s chatter or movements and gentle breathing as they slept. Now though, he was the only one here. He’d never been the one to arrive first before. By chance – and a little bit of laziness – he’d arrived last the first night and thus he’d stuck to that lest changing it cause something else to change too, resulting in someone else dying or suffering. This wouldn’t affect that, right? He’d loop before anyone else got here, negating any possible negative changes for them. Only he had to suffer.
Taking a deep breath, in and out, they closed their eye for a moment before opening it again and setting their gaze on themself in the mirror. There was one quite obvious thing they should probably test first to get it out of the way. It wouldn’t be fun but it wasn’t supposed to be. The point was to trigger a loop without dying after all. They had to know how far they could push it.
First they took off their hat and placed it on the floor beside themself, allowing them to see themself better in the mirror. Next, they drew their dagger and lifted up to face. They pressed the tip of it under their lower eyelid, angled up towards their eye and… didn’t stab it in. Their breath hitched in their chest as their hands started to tremble. Come on! It wasn’t that much different than killing themself. They’d hesitated before their first time doing that too though, right? Which made sense, it was scary. This was scary. But they only had to do this once. They had to test it, right? Just to see. … Ha, see. Probably not even Isa would laugh at that pun.
Come on! Just like when he stabbed himself! It was the same thing, basically. He could do it. He’d been through worse because fatal wounds would always be worse, right? Thus he’d done worse to himself too, many, many times already and would do so again in what counted as his future. So he could do this. Not no problem but it wasn’t a big deal either.
A thin line of blood trickled down his face. That tiny little nick didn’t even hurt, he might’ve missed it of not for the view of his face in the mirror, staring back at him with fear its eye. … He could do this. Taking a deep breath, his hands steadied, not a lot but enough. Quick and decisive, just like when he stabbed himself, he shifted his hold on the dagger a little and… shoved it up and into his eye.
It hurt, pulling a wretched sound from their throat. The mirror was gone from their sight, ripped away. Warm blood trailed down their face like tears. They whimpered and clutched at their eye socket. Blood soaked into their gloves. The scent of it was heavy and metallic, so close to their nose, but at least it wasn’t burnt sugar. They couldn’t see though and it hurt.
They cast around, looking for… but they couldn’t see. They couldn’t look for anything. They were blind. Couldn’t see. It was just gone. All the way this time. Their vision was just…
A tug on his stomach and… he blinked at himself in the mirror before him. He looked shaken and afraid. His eye was intact, utterly undamaged, but it still hurt. Just for a few seconds though, quickly fading to nothing. The dagger was in his hand, lifted halfway towards his face. Taking a deep breath, in and out, he lowered it into his lap.
All right. That confirmed that. Blinding himself would trigger a loop. Lots of folk got on with their lives just fine while blind, some were even born that way, but the suddenness of it and the lack of time to grow accustomed to it, made it so that, for the purposes of the loops, he couldn’t go on after losing his sight. … Good to know?
Nothing about that result was surprising. They’d learned something but not much, more just a confirmation that disabling themself in some way would result in a loop. The real test would be how far could they push themself pain wise before that counted too? Maybe they could train themself to withstand a lot and then maybe they’d be less likely to trigger loops due to emotional turmoil too? Perhaps if they pushed themself hard enough, they could somehow get to a point that would let them get past talking to the Head Housemaiden too. Maybe that was the key to breaking the loops. … Did that logic even make sense? No more or less than their other ideas for possibly breaking the loops had been so it was worth a try.
So more pain time. Oh boy, what fun. They’d been hurting themself for a while anyway though so… who cared? Certainly not them. And now they knew of a pretty surefire way to cause quite a deal of pain that shouldn’t be bad enough of a wound to lead to bleeding out. It’s not like they were using their left eye for anything anyway, right?
They reached up and pulled the eye patch off. The eyeball was still there under it, just inert and useless. It had hurt pretty bad too, now that they thought about it. Mira’s healing had helped a lot in that regard though and was probably the only reason why they hadn’t lost it completely, so they hadn’t had to bear it for long. She hadn’t been able to do much about how nasty the scar looked though, thus the eye patch. Their inability to move it or even open it all the way made it look creepy. Maybe it would look better once the eye was all the way gone? They could get a fun prosthetic for it and pop it out to scare people sometimes. That would be fun. … Assuming this stuck anyway.
Taking a deep breath, they lifted the dagger again. Their hands still shook a little as they pressed its tip against their lower eye lid but not as much. They’d done this once before already in two different ways; when they originally lost the use of the eye and last loop when they’d took out the other. The dead eye didn’t waver in its socket. It was useless, just like them.
They shoved the dagger’s tip in. It hurt. They gritted their teeth and kept going, pulling the blade up and around the eye socket. Blood ran down their face, pleasantly warm on their check, grounding. The eye deflated, oozing a clear liquid.
Hunched over the mirror, they went round with the blade, pulling it back down and around to where they’d started. The eye came out, dangling on a bloody thread. They cut it, letting it fall and leaving them with a gaping socket.
They whimpered and their breathing stuttered and hitched but they didn’t loop. Tears leaked down the other half of their face as if to compete with the flow of blood. Finally they’d found a way to make themself cry. They’d really needed that. All they had to do was gouge out their useless eye. So simple, it was kind of stupid. Why hadn’t they thought of that before. A real big ‘duh’ moment on their part , huh? … They deserved this.
His eye was useless and so he’d excised it much like how the world had tried to excise him. By all rights, he should’ve died a long time ago, but instead he’d continued much like how his dead, inert eye had. But he was free of it now, it was dead and gone,maybe soon he would likewise be dead and gone. That would be nice. He didn’t want to do this anymore. Had never wanted to do it. He wanted it to…
“Siffrin?”
They turned their head. Odile stood just inside the bedroom’s doorway. She visibly flinched at the sight of them, almost dropping the shopping bag – presumably the supplies she’d been purchasing – in her hands. “I… didn’t hear you come in.” They hadn’t been listening for anyone at all, had completely forgotten to. Oops. “Why are you here so early?”
“Did you… What happened?” Her expression was horrified as she lowered the bag to the floor and took a step closer. She was upset, maybe even angry at them. Rightfully so too, they were disgusting and horrible for not being more careful to not get caught. No one wanted to see them like this in the midst of their little self-hating pity party. It was pathetic. They were pathetic and a wretched person for letting her see this side of them. She must hate them!
A tug on their stomach and they were blinking at themself in the mirror again. The eye patch was back over their dead eye, lifting it revealed it was still there. Mere seconds was all it took for the pain to fade away entirely like it had never happened. They were stuck with their useless dead eye once more just like the world was stuck with them.
Next time they would come at the start of the loop and close the door, maybe block it too. Of course Odile would come somewhat early. She was shopping for supplies and would want to handle sorting them here at the Clock Tower as soon as she was done. Probably after that she’d sit and read until everyone else arrived. Siffrin had never bothered to find out what she did once she was done with her shopping. It had never even occurred to them to wonder because they were stupid. So yes they would try again in another loop in which they wouldn’t spend so much of their allotted Dormant time fishing but would instead come straight here. It was their own fault, really. No one to blame but themself.
For now, they sat staring at themself in the tarnished mirror until… “Siffrin?” Her tone was different, more casual and curious, meaning she’d picked up that something was wrong even before they’d turned their head to face her.
He put on a smile as he turned his head to look at her. “Hello Odile.”
She frowned slightly at whatever she saw on his face because his fake smiles had apparently been getting worse and less believable as the loops went on. He should practice more. Or maybe not because how much did it really matter if everyone knew he was a faker? “What are you doing?”
Being stupid and throwing themself a pity-party right when and where she could walk in on it. “Nothing, really.”
“Uh-huh. Are you… doing all right?” So perceptive and smart, as always. Admirable but annoying at times, like right now.
“I’m fine.”
The look she gave them said she didn’t believe them. That was fine though because she wouldn’t press. The only times she did was when she figured out what was going on and she lacked the pieces that would lead to that realization. Why would she bother to press otherwise? She didn’t know it effected her and they were the one lying like the filthy dishonest scum they’d become. Or maybe they’d always been a disgusting liar and just didn’t realize it before because there’d been less to lie about.
He sheathed the dagger, put his hat back on and stood, still smiling the whole way. “Need helping sorting the supplies?”
“Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say I need help but I won’t turn down the offer. Before that though, care to explain the mirror?” Ah, she was pressing a little bit this loop after all. Bringing the mirror in here and sitting in front of it like that was admittedly quite odd though. She was merely curious about it, Siffrin’s obvious lie about being fine didn’t matter that much to her because she knew deep down inside that they weren’t worth caring about.
“I was thinking about cutting off the dark part of my hair,” an excuse for why they’d been holding the dagger, “or maybe dying it again instead. I decided to put off the decision for later.” More like ‘never’ because at this rate it wouldn’t ever matter because if they did either, it’d just be reset so why bother even thinking about it? They’d be stuck with half-dark, half-light hair until time broke under the stress of being rewound too often.
“Ah procrastinating, I see. Understandable. Very well, come help me sort the supplies then.”
Changing the script this much made their insides twist and squirm. Them getting caught arriving that the Clock Tower this early and interacting with Odile in this way would change things enough that they might result in big changes further in the loop that got someone other than them hurt. They’d discovered all the right steps to make a perfect loop a long time ago after all, changing anything else, especially after what happened to Bonnie, was scary. But they could just loop back to the start before going into the House or very shortly after entering. When was the last time they’d bothered to complete a a loop from start to finish anyway?
~
“Hey Stardust,” Loop said, their eyes smiling as Siffrin sat on the root next to them. “It’s been a while, huh?”
It had been a while. Siffrin had been avoiding them, something made easy by the fact that they never left the Favor Tree as far as he knew, for quite a few loops now. For good reason too. The experiments he’d been doing weren’t anyone else’s business. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Loop put on a confused face. “Don’t want to talk about what, exactly?” It might’ve fooled Siffrin at the start of the loops but he’d since learned that their thought patterns seemed to run uncomfortably close his, making them easy to predict and read. They both knew exactly what Siffrin didn’t want to talk about and what Loop wanted to say about it.
“You know and I know what you want to say about it. You disapprove. I don’t care. We’re not talking about it.” And if Loop pressed, Siffrin probably wouldn’t come back here because they weren’t being particularly helpful in figuring out how break the loops anyway so why bother if they were just going to be annoying?
“Very well. Why are you here at all then?” Unspoken was the idea that they considered them offering their disapproval over how Siffrin used the dagger to count as part of the ‘help’ they were supposed to be providing.
“To talk about… literally anything else or maybe just to… sit for a little while? I don’t know just…” Not talking to Loop for so long had made them feel even more lonely than they had already.
“Okay. We can do that. But uh, I don’t know how but… I’m sure you’ll get out sooner or later.” They weren’t great at being comforting but they were trying and that alone did help a little.
Siffrin would’ve lost whatever thread of stability they were still holding onto if not for them. Probably they’d still lose it eventually but for now, they still had it. And maybe they were right, maybe eventually they would get out of the loops. Surely everything would be okay once they finally did, right? They’d stop being so messed up and would be normal again. That sure would be nice.
The lab was a mess as usual. Asgore’s attempts to organize it never lasted and he didn’t have the time to devote to it properly. Gaster was just disorganized by nature. The peace lily Asgore had gifted him was visibly thriving though. It sat in the corner with it own sun lamp shining down on it.
Gaster himself sat at his desk, hunched forward, resting his head in his arms atop it. He’d fallen asleep working again. Understandable, his Core project would help monsters across the entirety of the Underground, getting it up and running as soon as possible was important. But it was a shame working so hard at it came at the cost of him losing sleep.
Walking over, Asgore placed the tea tray he’d brought down on the desk. The intent had been to come down here and give him a break via insisting on tea time but him having fallen asleep accomplished that even better. If he woke up in time, they could have tea time then. In the meantime, Asgore could organize the lab again, clean up the forgotten dishes and whatnot. Gaster always appreciated it when he did so.
The body wasn’t perfect, far from it in fact. There were several glaring flaws, the neck being the most prominent but the two extra meat tails weren’t cute either. The dress was a tattered and a little stained. But it was still cute despite that and the cat ears and lovely pink hair were wonderful. Overall this form was better. The figure alone hadn’t felt worth it to come back for upon finally learning of its whereabouts but this was.
She was an anime cat girl. A dream come true. She just also happened to be a little nasty too. Sometimes the cat girls in anime were like that too. Not usually the ones she preferred to watch but she’d take what she could get. And was it really such a bad thing that she was scary looking? That meant people would be less likely to try to mess with her, right? … Being all the way cute still would’ve been nice though.
Doing a little twirl made her skirt puff out a little more. It felt nice and looked cute. Twirl, twirl, twirl. What fun. Her long neck meant she could keep her gaze somewhat steady as she watched herself in the cracked full length mirror. She was a cute zombie cat girl with a spinny dress. Maybe she could learn how to fix the tattered edges of it and clean it up a bit so the dress at least could be all the way cute.
She needed a new name. Something that would let her fit in with this new world. Asgore had been forced to leave his flowers behind when Hometown had flooded. What was there hadn’t looked particularly flower like when she’d come in to look for her lost figurine but they’d become people in this world. Messed up people but people nonetheless. She should try to fit in with them if she could, get a head start on community and whatnot. From what she’d managed to eavesdrop on so far, they were going by colour names so she should too.
“Pink,” she whispered, testing the name on her tongue. It made sense, right? Both her hair and dress were shades of pink. “My name is Pink.” She did another twirl, watching through the mirror as the skirt of her dress puffed out a little more once again. … Yeah, she liked that. The name and the dress.
Summary: Post finally getting out of the time loop, Siffrin begins to develop scars from the ways he died while looping. Some of them are in places that are hard to hide so it makes sense to do a show and tell to get everyone's questions out of the way all at once. Since they're sharing anyway, might as well share everything, it's supposed to make one feel better after all, right?
[A/N] A long while ago I came upon a post here on Tumblr putting forward the idea of Siffrin getting scars from looping, specifically mentioning Tears as having a frostbite like effect. I thought that was a cool idea and so decided to explore it a little. I changed it so that the scars come in after the loops and also because I gave Siffrin such a high loop count (based off my 100% file's number before I grinded out enough loops to max the Memory of Looping HP up) I gave him a handful of other ways to have died. I would link the Tumblr post that inspired this but it was so long ago, there's almost no way I'd find it. I've been sitting on this fic for ages now because I was too busy writing something else to find the time to edit this properly. Here it finally is though.
~
A quick show and tell was the best option here, right? Because no matter how hard Siffrin tried to hide everything, someone would notice something eventually and probably ask about it, especially if things continued to develop as they had been. And this would happen multiple times as each of them noticed and asked at different times. Trying to hide it would be stressful and he’d promised he’d talk more about stuff. It would be hard to argue that this didn’t count. So getting it all out in the open with everyone right now before they started for Bambouche tomorrow morning was the least stressful option. Not that that made it easy, it very much didn’t, but the end outcome was preferable. Also, it was too late to back out now; he’d already gathered everyone in the Clock Tower’s central room. Saying, ‘actually, never mind’ would prompt its own questions and worries. So he was kind of stuck… unless he could undo telling everyone he had something important to share anyway.
Their hand drifted to grip the dagger’s hilt, the motion thankfully hidden by their cloak. That wouldn’t work though… probably. They wouldn’t want it to. The loops were over. They were finally free. That’s what they’d wanted for so, so long. So no, backing out now wasn’t an option and it would be a bad thing if it was.
Taking a deep breath, in and out, he let go of the dagger and looked up at everyone. They were all seated on the couch, watching him with way more patience than he deserved. Even Bonnie who was sitting on the armrest and looking bored as they kicked their legs wasn’t verbally complaining. The conversation would be more difficult with them here but they were just as likely to notice and have questions about it as anyone else and thus they belonged here too.
“Okay,” they finally forced themself to say with a smile as brought their hands together in a small clap. The smile was fake though and this wasn’t a smiling matter. They let it fall. “Okay, so… we’ve established that I was in a time loop for a while. I already told you about how talking to the Head Housemaiden would trigger it.” Their gaze slid off everyone and settled on the wall behind the couch instead. “That’s not the way most of the loops ended though. Most of them ended more uh… violently.”
“The King, right?” Bonnie asked, their hand raised. They were paying full attention now. Probably they were pleased they’d been invited to an adult conversation. “’Cause you redid the House a bunch and so he got you sometimes, right?”
“Yeah, the King killed me a few times.” … And Bonnie once and it was Siffrin’s fault. He’d promised to protect them and he’d failed.
Odile raised her hand next. “Does this include at the end? When you went in to fight him alone?”
“Yeah. He killed me like uh… a dozen or so times there. But I was looping back immediately so I was mostly fine.”
“’Mostly fine’?” Mira interrupted. “You still died a… ‘a dozen or so times’. That’s a lot. And it means if it wasn’t for your time loop powers or whatever you’d be… we’d have arrived too late.”
Siffrin had to force themself not grimace at the look of hurt on her face. All they seemed to be doing lately was making her and everyone else upset. If only they could go one more time and undo all the hurt and do it perfectly. … They’d done it perfectly so many times though. This was the way that had finally gotten them out. Did being so willing to accept it and grateful for it make them selfish? Probably, right? They should’ve been able to do it better so that everyone was happy and the loops still ended.
Isa put a hand on her arm. “Well, if it wasn’t for their time loop powers, they would’ve never gone against the King alone in the first place. Right Sif? You’d never had gone in alone if you hadn’t been going crazy in a time loop.”
Without the loop, Siffrin would’ve merely died under the rock and everyone else would’ve gone on alone and either got stuck or killed by the King, minus Bonnie who would’ve escaped only to ultimately be frozen in time. So in all, the time loop had done far more good than bad. Surely that made it all worth it. All of the really bad parts had been his own fault.
“Right. So it’s fine… sort of. We’re all alive and the country not frozen so… yeah, it’s fine.” He shrugged. They were getting off track. “But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. The thing I need tell everyone is that um… while I’ve been recovering from the whole being Craft exhausted thing, I’ve uh… I have scars now, from the loops, the ways I died and… stuff. They started showing up like the day after I got out.” He’d noticed them forming and had immediately set to hiding them even while also immediately clocking that he wouldn’t be able to do so forever. “I… don’t know if they’re even done setting in yet but some of them are in places that are hard to keep hidden all the time. So what’s going to happen is, I’m going to show everyone and we’re going to get all our questions out of the way all at once and then never talk about it again, okay?”
Odile got a look on her face that said she was about to voice a protest or perhaps an argument, undoubtedly something contrarian. Siffrin quickly cut back in before she could even begin. “Starting with this!” He pulled off his gloves and held his hands up and out where everyone could see. They all leaned in for a closer look.
The tips of his index and middle finger on both hands were stained dark, fading back to normal somewhere past the first knuckle. His right was noticeably worse than the left, going down almost the entirety of his index finger and on the tip of his ring finger too. Presumably he’d used that hand more often.
“Tears,” they explained before anyone could ask. “There were a lot of them floating around the House. I could touch them to freeze myself in time and that would make me loop.”
“Does it hurt?” Bonnie asked.
“No. It doesn’t feel like anything, actually, just completely numb.” Siffrin pulled their hands back and ran their thumb up and down the index finger on their other hand. Passing from the feeling part to unfeeling part was a weird sensation. At the very tip there wasn’t even a hint of pressure. The skin was noticeable colder everywhere the time freeze had left a scar too. “I can’t bend those part of my fingers so it’s weird but… not painful. Freezing myself didn’t hurt either.”
“And um… when you were frozen, what was that like?”
“Kinda like sleeping, I guess. I had dreams sometimes.”
“Good ones?” Their gaze was hopeful. They were thinking about their sister and whoever had told them she’d been having nice dreams while frozen.
As nice as it would be to claim that being frozen in time was entirely pleasant – and at times, the break it offered during combat, had been very pleasant indeed – Siffrin shouldn’t lie. And so they lifted a hand to make a so-so gesture. “Sometimes at first but then… not so much. The whole looping thing probably made it different for me so you should ask someone else.”
With a disappointed sigh, Bonnie nodded and leaned back.
“Can I see your hands for a second?” Mira asked as she stood up and gestured for them.
Siffrin obediently lifted his hands again, holding them towards her. She lifted her own hands to Craft a spell. Lovely Moving Cure. Siffrin would recognize it anywhere. A familiar rush of warmth washed through him, starting from his hands but as it faded, they looked and felt no different. “It was worth a try.”
With a disappointed sigh of her own, Mira sat back down. “I might try again later. Give me some time to think about it.”
Siffrin retrieved his gloves from his pockets and pulled them back on. It was harder now but they’d been dealing with it for a few days already and thus at least didn’t embarrass themself with it. “All right,” they said as they looked back up at everyone. Maybe they could leave it here? Say this was it?
“I assume the next one’s worse,” Odile said as if she knew he was thinking about not showing it.
“You don’t have to show us,” Isa added. “You can just tell us if that makes it more comfortable and then if we ever see it, we can politely pretend we didn’t.”
“No. I have to show you.” Because they couldn’t say it. The mere thought of saying it had their hand itching to reach for their dagger again to take them away from this conversation. Doing that would be worse than merely showing them the scar though, much, much worse because it would be showing them the act instead.
And so, as their now shaky hands reached for their cloak’s clasps, they looked down at the floor. Their numb finger tips made the clasps a bit hard to undo and thus it was several agonizing seconds before they finally got them and could pull the cloak off. Then, closing their eye tight so they wouldn’t have to see anyone’s face, they lifted their head towards the ceiling, bearing their throat and the scars running across it.
Like with their hands, the right side was worse. They held the dagger in the left most of the time after all so starting with the right jugular made sense. Slicing through both jugulars and wind pipe was the fastest way they could inflict death on themself even if it did hurt. Not knowing there’d be a scar, they hadn’t even considered trying it in the same spot and/or angle, resulting in a crisscross mess of scars over their entire throat.
Looking at it in the mirror that morning was what had made them realize there was no way they could keep hiding it, especially once on the road. The collar of the cloak hid it well but wearing it at every single moment someone might see them was a tall ask and well, they didn’t really want to. The cloak was great and special to them but it’d be nice to change up their look occasionally. A scarf was an option but would undoubtedly be noticed as odd and like with the cloak wearing it at all times they might be seen by one of their traveling companions wasn’t viable. Someone would catch them with their throat exposed eventually and then would ask about the scar because who wouldn’t? Showing everyone all at once was the best option as it at least put them in charge of the interaction instead of being surprised into it.
“Did the King do that?” Bonnie asked because everyone else probably at least had some idea on the scars’ origins. The cuts were too clean and tidy for ‘dagger’ to not come to mind, right? Siffrin didn’t dare look down or even open their eye lest he see anyone’s face.
“No.”
“A Sadness then?”
“Also, no.”
“Then… then who or… what?” Bonnie was smart, they were figuring it out.
Siffrin took a deep breath, in and out, and made himself look down at them. Only them though. He didn’t look at anyone else, he’d crumble if he did. “Don’t be like me, okay Bonbon? I’m not a good role model.”
They looked at him in silence for a few seconds before it finally clicked. “You did that to yourself.” A statement, not a question.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“To loop.”
“And… and that means you died, right? You did… that and you died… every time? You killed yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Did… did it hurt?”
“Yes.”
“But… if you could use the Tears and that didn’t hurt then why would you… I don’t understand.”
Siffrin could explain that it was faster but that wasn’t a good argument and well, that wasn’t the only reason they’d done it. “I hope you never do understand.” Hopefully none of them ever understood. Siffrin would’ve liked to not understand too. It was the fastest way and… they’d wanted it to hurt. They hadn’t been aware of it at the time but looking back, even with it not far in hindsight yet, that was obvious. There’d been times when they’d been standing right next to a Tear and had chosen the dagger instead. The slower and more painful option in that scenario.
“Okay,” Odile said, her voice forcibly flat, “is there anything else they need to know about or is it time to send them out for an adult conversation?”
Of course there would be an adult conversation about this, Siffrin should’ve expected no different. Their hand itched for the dagger but everyone would see that now so instead they gripped their cloak tight in their hands and looked at the floor. “I… I think that’s it. It’s just… hiding it would be hard so…” They trailed off. It would’ve been nice to have not had to say anything, especially to Bonnie.
“All right, Boniface, time for you to…”
“Wait, wait, before I go, can I ask how many loops? Did you count?”
At least it was a topic change, right? “Yeah, I counted. It was um… I might have counted wrong because I kinda forgot like… entire loops sometimes. And what even really counts as a new loop, right? I could loop forward so… was that a new loop or just skipping forward in the same one? Some of the loops weren’t long or… I didn’t spend much time in them before I was looping again. Some stuff came forward with me but not backwards so… ”
“The number Sif.” Isa’s tone was sharper than it usually was. Not by a lot but enough to be noticeable. “What number did you end on?” His tone was softer now and came from directly next to Siffrin; he’d stood up and stepped closer. Siffrin didn’t look up at him. “It doesn’t matter if it’s entirely accurate. Just tell us the number, okay?”
“Five hundred thirty-seven.”
Audible gasps as everyone flinched. Should Siffrin have lied and said a lower number? Would that have accomplished anything?
Mira broke the silence “I’d guessed that the number would be big but… wow, just wow. That’s a lot and… you’re saying for most of those you died?”
“Probably, yeah.” All the loops in which they’d made it to the end, hit the emotional threshold for a loop, or froze themself combined to a good chunk of their loops but there was almost no way it was the majority of them. They’d killed themself often.
“You died literally hundreds of times then?”
They’d already admitted it, she was just asking for clarification, so… “Yes.”
“Oh. And… a lot of those were suicide?”
“Yes.”
“I… see.”
Despite himself, he looked up at her. She’d stood again too and was giving him a look, they all way. It was full of pity and sorrow and made his insides squirm. This was why talking about stuff sucked so bad, it made everyone upset. It was so much easier to not think about things. … Except that didn’t make anything better, did it? This experience proved it just made things worse. If he’d talked to them about it sooner, that number wouldn’t have been so high and he wouldn’t have blown up and hurt them the way he had. So here was was talking about it and squirming but not reaching for his dagger to undo it – not that that would even work – because this was apparently going to make it better somehow eventually. It would be nice of that hurried up though.
Bonnie broke the silence next. “I’d’ve exploded after that many too, probably before. But um… thanks for telling me that and… the other thing too. I still don’t understand but… I don’t know.” Often when they got upset they defaulted to anger but right now they just looked sad and scared. It was a lot, wasn’t it? To know someone you cared about committed suicide and it being undone by the time loop only gave him the opportunity to do it multiple times. They jumped off the couch’s arm rest, their too big boots thudding as they hit the floor. “I’m gonna go make dinner now.” And with that, they were off. The sound of the door opening and closing announced their exit.
Siffrin would have to go and talk to them again later, make sure they were okay. “Should I not have told them?”
“Well,” Isa said, “they’d have seen that scar on your neck eventually, it’s uh… not exactly subtle. And then they would’ve had questions that you would’ve had to answer. You could’ve lied of course but they’re smart, they’d probably at least suspect that you weren’t being truthful and that would’ve done far more harm than good. So it’s probably easier for both of you this way.”
“It’s far better than letting them figure it out by themself.” Odile stood up now too, resulting in them standing in a circle, all facing Siffrin. “Someone should probably talk to them more about it later but for now Siffrin, we’ve established you’ve been through a lot, more than I’d originally thought. Obviously you… killed yourself quite a few times to loop but how likely are you to do it again?”
It should’ve been easy to say that he wouldn’t dream of it. If Bonnie were still here, he’d have been obligated to deny the possibility, thus their being sent out. But it should still be a ‘not likely’, right? Even if it wasn’t quite an easy automatic answer. So why was he hesitating?
“Have you thought about it?” Mira asked in a whisper.
Siffrin shouldn’t lie. He’d promised he would do less of that. That he’d talk about stuff. And it would better to get all the questions surrounding the scars out of the way all at once and be done with it. That was the whole point of this entire conversation. So he should be honest and admit the truth. … Nothing came out of his mouth though. It was either lie or stay silent, apparently.
“I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’,” Odile said. “Do you need us to take your dagger from you for a little while?” She extended her hand towards them, asking for it.
With a flinch, he stepped back, away from her hand. “No. I’m not… I thought about it a few times during this conversation as like a ‘it sure would be nice to loop back to before I committed to this conversation so I don’t have to have it,’ kind of thing but that’s it. I wouldn’t do that.” He’d cause them enough trouble and upset already without adding that to it. “I’m not okay yet but I’m also not… suicidal either.” Not actively anyway but did that part really need to be said out loud? “And it was during the loops so did it even really count as suicide? I knew I wasn’t going to die for real.” No need to mention the handful of times they’d done it in hopes of it being real. It was a small handful anyway… probably. That had been when they’d been forgetting a lot of loops.
“All right.” Isa lifted a hand and looked for a moment like he would step towards them but didn’t, letting it fall instead. “But promise you’ll talk to us if you ever do start thinking about it, okay?”
“I’m out of the loops now though so…”
“Promise,” Mira interrupted. “Promise you won’t do it. Promise you’ll talk to us if you ever find yourself thinking about it, especially if it ever feels… tempting, you know? Please promise.”
“Okay, okay. I promise I won’t kill myself. I promise if I start thinking about it a lot or feel like I want to, I’ll talk to you guys about it.” All well and good and Siffrin meant it now but they’d broken important promises before. So how much weight did this promise even really hold?
“Thank you.” Odile sounded relieved. “Now, are there any other ways you died that we should know about? And are there any other loop related things that are going to haunt you if you keep them hidden?”
Hadn’t Siffrin already shared a lot? Why’d she have to ask so many questions? … Because they hadn’t actually shared a lot, had they? There was a lot more that would indeed haunt them. Would sharing really help though? It was supposed to. That’s what everyone said, even insisting that Siffrin should share and talk about stuff.
She frowned at whatever she saw on their face. “You don’t have to answer right now and in fact I probably shouldn’t have asked. You’ve shared quite a bit already. We can return to this topic later.”
Siffrin hadn’t meant to look at her with any kind of expression and they didn’t even know what expression they’d given her. Their ability to keep the mask on was slipping… more like had slipped. When was the last loop they’d spent a significant length of time in that someone, her especially, hadn’t picked up on something being wrong with them? It had been a long while.
“Taking a break is probably a good idea,” Isa agreed. “I know this has probably been a lot for you already and we’re proud of you for being open with us.” He was being patronizing again. Except, no, he wasn’t. He was genuinely proud of Siffrin for talking about their issues the way normal people apparently did because they usually didn’t. They were pathetic like that. Being honest about struggling was something to be proud of them for. But if talking about it would help and was what they were apparently supposed to do, they should keep going, right? They’d started this conversation with the idea of getting all the questions out of the way after all. Continuing later would give them too much time to change their mind about sharing the rest.
They resisted the urge to take another step backwards and away – if they went too far, they’d hit the wall and corner themself – and instead took a deep breath, in and out. “If I don’t say it now, I’ll want to put it off forever.” They rolled their neck, trying to work out some the achy stiffness in it. A vain effort. … It had been stiff and achy a lot lately, indicating perhaps that the scars extended to their insides too which was just fantastic. “So let’s just… get it all out of the way, huh?”
“Are you sure?” Mira asked. “It’s good you want to talk but it doesn’t have to be all at once.”
Siffrin didn’t bother to answer as he strode over to the coffee table. The three of them followed but maintained the distance he’d placed between them. First he folded up the cloak and placed it on the end of the table. Next he took of the gloves again, using his teeth because it was just easier, revealing his messed up hands once more. The full extent of how his numb finger tips was going to affect him going forward was yet to be discovered but it certainly wasn’t going to be nothing. He dropped the gloves on top of the cloak before finally grabbing the bottom of his shirt and pulling it up over his head. After dropping that atop the pile too, he turned to face three of them again, his arms held slightly up and out so they could all see.
Stabbing themself through the heart was technically faster than through the throat but took quite a bit more physical effort to force the knife through their rib cage. As a result they hadn’t done it particularly often but the scars left behind now still probably gave it away. They’d stabbed themself in the lungs a few times too and they’d gutted themself exactly once and regretted it. There were still scars though, faint – the ways they used the most often seemed to be leaving stronger scars – but still there enough to see. Which all overlapped with the scars the King had left them with. They were large, turning their torso into a tapestry of scar tissue.
He fixed his gaze on the wall behind everyone and forced on a smile that they all probably knew was false but it was the only way he could get himself to speak. “Suicide was my primary method of looping. I would intentionally slip on a banana peel in Dormont to break my neck or bash my head open, depending on how I fell. Or I would drown myself in the river for some variety. I jumped off the top of the House a few times and went splat at the bottom. When I first started using my dagger, I was just slitting my throat to save time but sometimes, to change things up, I would stab myself somewhere else so I would die a little bit slower so that I could enjoy being held while I died. I already told you I’m allergic to pineapple. I would eat it on purpose sometimes because I was on the second floor anyway, might as well finish it and then loop. Or occasionally just because it tasted good and I wanted to eat something different and didn’t care it if killed me. The rock in the Death Corridor was my first death. Yeah, I know, pathetic, right? I forgot about it a few times so it killed me more than once. I got sloppy occasionally early on and died to Sadnesses a couple times too. The times the King killed me hurt the most but I always made sure I died first so no one else had to. He was very accommodating when I asked him to kill me first. I saw a weird shade with him once when we persisted in trying to say our country’s name until it killed me. That one hurt a lot too. If the scar for that one comes in later, I might go mute, won’t that be fun?”
“Sif,” Isa tried to cut in but they weren’t done yet. They had to keep going until sharing helped and made them feel better because it was supposed to, right? The script was dead and gone, the perfect run to save the country and make everyone happy ruined forever but sharing would help them feel better. They were tired of feeling miserable all the time and if this was how to make that finally, finally stop then they were doing it.
“We got stuck sometimes too because I missed a key or went the wrong way with a single use crest. Oops, turns out I’m super unreliable, you guys shouldn’t have trusted me so much. Speaking of that my biggest goal was to never let anyone else die because it hurts and I could prevent it. I failed. I stayed with Loop for a loop and you guys all went in without me. You reached the King without me too, more proof that I’m just dead weight, huh? He killed you. I tried to make peace with him once and you guys all went along with me for some reason. He killed Bonnie to punish me. I promised to protect them but I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed. I knew how to do it all perfectly. I could make everything work out and everyone would be happy at the end but I kept failing anyway. I was never good enough. I killed myself so much because I wanted it to hurt. A few times I did it, hoping it would stick. It never did. I always woke up. I forgot everyone’s name once, Loop had to remind me. I’m that awful.
“And, and instead of asking for help or even telling any of you what was going on, I decided I was going to kill the King. It was always Mira who landed the final blow. So I decided, if it was me, somehow that would be the thing that finally ended the loops even though that doesn’t make any blinding sense. We were all stronger as a family too so I decided I was going to rush us getting there because I just wanted it to be over so, so bad. But I messed that up too and instead just said awful things to everyone and ran off by myself, forcing everyone to come save me because as soon as the King figured out what I was doing he slowed, slowed, slowed me until I couldn’t do anything. I… I guess it was dream. I was wandering around in a dark void for what felt like hours and hours and then something with my face showed up. It spoke in all your voices. I was starting to believe what it was saying too even though you guys would never say that kind of stuff. You’re too nice to hate me even when I deserve it.”
At the start of their tirade they’d had a cheery tone that was probably forced enough to be obvious but they’d still managed it. Now though, their voice shook and wavered as they struggled to breathe. They kept their gaze set firmly on the ceiling, not daring to look down at their family and what horrid disgusted expressions they must be making. “And that’s when you guys showed up and you know the rest. So that’s… that’s it. The full story… basically. A quick version of it.”
“Okay, that’s… a lot,” Mira said. “We might need to more thoroughly unpack some of that later. But um, for now does… getting it all out make you feel better?”
Did he feel better? He was supposed to, right? That’s what everyone said. ‘Talk to people about your problems, you’ll feel better’. He’d doubted it for so long but keeping it all in had made everything worse so obviously everyone else had to be right. And following the reveal of the loops, everyone had insisted he needed to talk about his problems more. But… but… “No.” He felt like he might be about to throw up and his neck hurt from tilting it up towards the ceiling. Which had the bonus side effect of bearing that particular suicide scar to everyone. Not that it mattered much when they were all on display. He was half naked! The air was sharp and awful against his bare skin like ice cold needles all over.
With a whimper, they flinched and turned away. “Why don’t I feel better?” Their voice sounded pathetic even to themself. “I’m supposed to, right? That’s what everyone says.” They grabbed their shirt and struggled with it a bit before managing to pull it on. Better, less exposed but still not good. Why not? Everyone said they would feel better if they talked about stuff.
“Well,” Isa said, “you don’t just magically start feeling better after spilling your guts once. It’s usually more of a slow process kind of thing.”
“That’s stupid.” They grabbed the gloves next. Pulling them on was far harder than it should’ve been because they were shaking and the stupid blinding Tear scars were annoying. “I feel lied to.” And it wasn’t fair. Everyone said talking would make them feel better. Or maybe they were just that broken. Nothing would help.
“It sounds like a lie to me too sometimes too,” Odile said, “but it’s not. You just need some time and probably all of that at once was a bit too much. I’m sorry I pressed for more. I shouldn’t have.”
“A break before sharing the rest probably would’ve been better,” Mira said. “But I guess we all now know the basics of what happened so we at least don’t have to wonder as much.”
Gloves finally on once more and blessedly shielding their hands from the wretched air, the cloak was next. They pulled it back on over their head. With it, they were even less exposed, less vulnerable. … They couldn’t get the clasps to close the collar properly though. Their hands were too shaky, their numb finger tips too awkward. After revealing all that, the thing that was going to make them break down and start crying was their blinding cloak. They just wanted it closed but they couldn’t even do that. They were a stupid, useless…
“Need help?” Isa had walked over stand next to them, meaning he could see them struggling.
With a shaky breath, they turned to face him properly and let their hands drop. “Yes, please.” Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. They needed help just dressing themself now apparently.
He leaned in and did it for them. It took him mere seconds to do before he was pulling back. “I can look at that later and try to alter it a little so it’s easier for you to manage.”
“I… I just need to get used to it.” He wanted to be a clothing designer though so… “Or uh… if you really want to, I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”
That earned a slight smile from him. “All right, I’ll look at it later tonight then or whenever you’re ready, okay?”
Siffrin nodded. All the times he’d gotten a look at the cloak had been undone. Maybe if he got a really good look at it when working on the clasps, he’d have more insight to share about it and how it was made. That would be nice.
Mira stepped up next to Isa. “Would you like a hug now or… do you want some space? That was… a lot. So, so much. I don’t even… What do you need from us?”
Fully clothed again, the anger bubbling up and threatening to make him explode at them again had shimmered down. It had become just a heavy dense weight in his chest, making it hard to breath. He wanted to cry. During the loops when he’d needed to the most, he hadn’t been able to. Would that still be the case now or was he too broken to cry? Too broken to be fixed, too broken to cry, too broken to be anything other than broken. A thing that should’ve been thrown out a long time ago.
He whimpered and flexed his hands as much as he could, not reaching for the dagger. Everyone was looking at him, waiting for him to answer Mira. They were worried and looked so sad and upset and it was his fault. All sharing had done was make them feel bad and him even worse. And he needed to answer. “A… a hug.” Asking to be touched was embarrassing and shameful. Normal people didn’t need to ask, right? They just did. All the casual friendly touches everyone else exchanged with each other that he could never have because no one wanted to touch him.
Mira stepped forward and wrapped her arms around them, pulling them close. She was warm and smelled pleasantly of a plume scented perfume. Not currently wearing their heeled shoes, they were shorter than her, making resting their face against her shoulder feel almost natural as they returned her embrace. And then Isa was wrapping his arms around both of them, warm, strong and wonderful. Then Odile was there too, not quite part of the hug because she wasn’t a big huger but close enough to put an only somewhat awkward hand on his shoulder. It was nice.
“Can I cry too?” Because he still wanted to but it would be weird to cry on Mira. Weird and gross and crossing a line. And so instead he was asking permission like the weird pathetic emotionally stunted freak that he was.
She squeezed him a little bit tighter. “Of course you can.”
“Cry as much as you need to,” Isa added.
He still shouldn’t though, right? What right did he have to burden them with his tears? … But it was too late. His chest was already heaving with a sob as a sound he wouldn’t have he could make escaped him. Maybe he could have this for just a little bit. He was tired of feeling bad.
Summary: Siffrin's allowed to sleep in again. It's quiet and lonely when waking up alone though.
Content Warning for Suicidal Thoughts and Violent Intrusive Thoughts.
~
Everyone had let Siffrin sleep in again. Had they always done that or was it new? Had it been even a question of ‘letting him’? Maybe he’d used to wake up on time on his own or everyone else getting up woke him too and just didn’t now for some reason. … He couldn’t remember. Their time traveling together before the loops felt like so, so long ago. To everyone else it had only been a few weeks, right? Maybe he should ask one of them. What a strange thing to ask though and would knowing change anything? How to even ask without it being awkward? Because what he actually wanted to know was if waking up alone had always left him feeling so hollow. None of them would know that even if waking up two or three hours after everyone else had wasn’t new for him.
When camping off to the side of the road, it hadn’t been so bad. The murmur of everyone else talking on the other side of the tent wall had eased the sensation. Now though, they’d finally hit the next town over from Dormont and thus had stayed at its local inn. It was a nice place too, the beds soft, the walls thick enough to block out noise from other rooms or from the common room downstairs. The curtains hanging over the window were thick too, leaving the room rather dark even though it had to be well into morning if not full on day time by now.
How long would Siffrin have to lie here before someone came to check on them? They were supposed to still be recovering from Craft sickness after all so resting was encouraged. … Maybe no one would bother. The idea was to spend a couple nights here for rest purposes and to restock their travel supplies. Bambouche was still a ways away so asking around for possible news of Petronille wasn’t likely to yield anything but would probably also be done anyway. Siffrin wasn’t needed for either of the latter activities and might just get in the way and thus it probably would be easier to just leave them here alone in the dark and quiet. Maybe everyone would even be relieved to get a break from them. In which case they should continue to lie here, flat on their back and staring up the ceiling as the silence lay heavy and suffocating over them.
…
…
…
It was awfully boring though. Was it normal to find hollowness boring or was something wrong with them? Maybe they were faking it. They were out of the loops now after all and had what they wanted; their family was still with them, they weren’t alone. … In general anyway, they weren’t alone, in this current moment they were but they could end it any time they wanted. All they had to do was get up and go find someone to bother. So they shouldn’t be miserable anymore, right? They should be over it by now and were just wallowing because they sucked at being a normal person or just wanted everyone to continue to feel sorry for them.
He rolled on his side. Next to the bed sat the nightstand. Atop it was his dagger, just close enough that he could reach out and draw it without even needing to sit up. It was comfortable and familiar in his hand. How long had he been carrying it for? Was it something he’d picked up from somewhere, been given, or had he bought it from a dagger maker/weapon smith? … He couldn’t remember.
Rolling back onto their back, they lifted it above themself, turning it this way and that. It was too dark in here for its edge to gleam properly. Without a sharpening stone – they really should’ve taken the one from the House – that edge wasn’t likely to last much longer anyway. How dull would it have to be before it was no longer sharp enough to easily cut their throat? A duller edge would make that hurt more, right? Would that make it harder or easier to complete? Harder because it just hurt more in general or easier because of wanting that more intense pain to stop?
Either way, if they did it now, it would be permanent. … Would that be bad though? They could just stop being. That was a real option now when it hadn’t been before. It’d be easier in a way, right? If they were going to be hollow and bored of that hollowness for the rest of their life anyway, why bother? And they were going to die one day no matter what. Would it be bad to cut to the chase and skip all the misery leading up to that moment?
He lowered the blade, shifting his hold on the hilt so he could put its edge to his bare neck, right over the jugular. … Cold and sharp. He knew how to make it fast. Speed had been the point after all. This would be permanent if he did it though. No take-backsies. One last final death. He should be dead anyway. The only reason he wasn’t, was the loops had undone every death. So this would just be righting that wrong. … Except his family would all be dead too if not for the loops and all of Vaugardefrozen in time. Those were both good things. Nothing in him could ever find either of to be bad or wrong even if time had had to be broken in order to accomplish them.
And his family would be sad if he died. Whoever came back first, whether to check on him for sleeping in for too long, or just at the end of the day, would find him dead in bed, his throat slit. They’d know he’d done it to himself too. And what if it was Bonnie who came in first? None of them should ever have to see him like that but especially not Bonnie.
Heart hammering, Siffrin’s grip on the dagger tightened as they pulled it away. They sat up. Suddenly it was easy to do so where before it had felt almost impossible. They could stand too.
He sheathed the dagger and placed it back on the nightstand before stepping back from it. Closing his eye, he took a deep breath, in and out, and then another and another before opening it again. The dagger was still there of course, but being sheathed and no longer in his hand made it less threatening. … What if next time he didn’t remember in time that it would make his family sad? He shouldn’t be thinking about it regardless. Staying with them is what he wanted and he had it so why had that thought process been so easy to fall into?
One more deep breath and they turned away. They took their time getting ready for the day, moving slow and methodically, before inevitably ending up in front of the nightstand once more. Could they be trusted to pick it up and not hurt themself with it? … Based off how often they’d used it in the loops, the answer was ‘no’. Leaving it there wasn’t a good option either though. It would still be here when they returned tonight and leaving it behind when they left wouldn’t do, what if one day they needed it for something? Besides, someone would probably notice and ask. So… he quickly reached out a hand and snatched it up and pulled it under his cloak to attach to his belt. Its normal place… which also meant that’s always where he’d drawn it from when using it to loop so not super ideal either but better than in his hand, right?
They hurried out of the room, through the hall, and then down the stairs into the inn’s common room. At this time of day the place was mostly empty, everyone curious about the Saviors’ presence last night had dispersed for now. Odile was here though, seated at one of the nearby tables and set to face the stairs. Waiting for Siffrin to come down or just a coincidence? Either way, her presence was ideal. She could be nosy and too perceptive at times but she also had a tendency to respect others’ private lives, including rescinding personal questions right after asking them. Siffrin hurried over to sit across from her.
She glanced up from her book. “Good morning, Siffrin. Though, it can hardly be called morning anymore.”
“Good morning Odile. It’s very good to see you.” Especially alone. This was perfect actually. … Not that that made it easy.
She frowned and lowered her book. So perceptive, as always. “Are you okay?”
No, not really but his instinct was still to say, ‘I’m fine,’ which he shouldn’t do anymore, meaning he just wasn’t going to answer her question. “Can I ask you to do something for me and can you promise not to ask ‘why’ or… any other questions?”
Fully serious now, she closed her book and placed it to the side. “That depends on what it is.”
“Can you also promise not to tell the others?”
“I reiterate, ‘that depends on what it is’.”
Surely she would do this for them… right? Asking was hard though. It’d be the same as admitting to their suicidal thoughts even if she didn’t ask. They hadn’t mentioned the dagger loops, had been very careful not to in what little they’d been able to bring themself to share. It was a shameful thing to admit to.
At their hesitation, she spoke again, her tone gentler. “What is it?”
“Promise, please? I’m not asking you to do something bad, I swear, just… it’s private and… important. I don’t wanna talk about it… yet.” They would probably have to eventually, right? But not yet, please not yet.
“Okay. I promise I won’t ask questions or tell the others. Just… tell me what it is. I would like to help if I can.”
Siffrin reached for the dagger. It’d be easy to draw it and kill her. Even a clumsy cut across the throat could be deadly. Or she was close enough to stab, the table was in the way but leaning over it wouldn’t be hard. She wouldn’t expect it and with how much more combat experience they had than her, she probably wouldn’t be able to stop them even if she did. As always, such realizations brought an immediate wave of nausea right after that made their already unsteady hands shake. Never, never, never! They’d never do such a thing. So why did they think about it sometimes? They’d sooner kill themself than do something like that. During the loops that’s exactly what they’d done. Anytime they had such a thought, they’d kill themself instead regardless of what goal they’d been going for that loop. It’d be easy to do that now too. She wouldn’t be able to stop them.
Helped along by the fact he hadn’t secured it on particularity well, he managed to free the sheath from his belt despite his shaking hands. He dropped it onto the table between them before yanking his hand back under his cloak. Tight as he could, he grasped his wrists, locking his arms and hands in place lest he reach for the dagger again. “Can you hold onto that for me for a little while, please?”
She looked at it for a second or two at most before she gasped every so slightly, just barely audible, as it no doubt clicked in her mind what it meant. Whether she thought it was suicide, self-harm, and/or Siffrin’s fear and potential to hurt others with it didn’t really matter since all three were relevant anyway. She looked back up at him, opening her mouth as if to say something but blessedly didn’t. Instead she lifted a hand to pick up the dagger, sheath and all, and pull it towards herself, hiding it somewhere inside her robes.
Letting out a shaky breath, Siffrin relaxed a little. The dagger not being in their immediate reach helped a lot. They would never hurt any of their family but the fact that they could was scary. And they had hurt themself before so there was a very real possibly that they’d do so again. “Thanks.”
“You need to talk to someone about this eventually.”
“I know, I know just… not yet.”
“That’s fine just don’t put it off for too long. Thank you for trusting me with this. I’ll keep it safe until you’re ready to have it back.”
“Thanks.” And she wasn’t asking questions. They hadn’t quite worked through their jealously of her yet – they would probably have to talk with her about it eventually, huh? Ugh! – but she was a private person and thus could be trusted to keep this private too. Isa or Mira were trustworthy too of course but there was a decent chance one or both of them would’ve wanted to talk about it immediately. And maybe that would’ve been better but it didn’t matter anyway because Odile was here and wasn’t pressing the issue or even trying to confirm whatever conclusion she’d come to. “I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome. Now… is there anything else I can do to help?” She looked uncomfortable. Emotional feelings stuff and being open about them was hard for her too but she was trying and so Siffrin should try too.
“Can you uh… not let me sleep in anymore?”
She frowned. “You’re still recovering though, you need rest. And… I know about the nightmares, we all do actually. So I would rather let you sleep when possible.”
As a cost saving measure they slept in the same room more often than not – the Savior discount meant they could get away with not doing so now but they were too used to it to stop – when staying at inns and had only three tents to share between the five of them. So everyone knowing about the nightmares he’d been struck with since even before he’d recovered enough to allow them to travel wasn’t surprising. It was still embarrassing to have it confirmed though. So he was going to sail past it and get to the main point instead. “I know but…” they didn’t like waking up alone but saying that part out loud would be particularity awkward. “It’s not so bad with the tents but it’s… quiet up there when it’s just me.”
“Hmm… I see. Is this something you’d be comfortable bringing up with the others so we can all help?”
It would still be embarrassing and difficult but… baby steps towards asking for help was the way to do it, right? So he nodded. “Yeah, we can do that. And uh… can I sit here for a bit while I eat breakfast?”
“Of course. Hang out how ever long you need to. The others will probably be back soon to check to see if you’ve woken up yet. We can head out to find something fun to do once they get here.”
“Fun?” The concept of having fun while here hadn’t occurred to them. They’d assumed they’d be expected to lie around a bunch like they had in Dormont.
“Yes, fun. That’s when you do something you enjoy, just because you enjoy doing it and it makes you feel good.” She was using the same tone she used when defining a word for Bonnie but with a smirk; teasing. The casualness of it seemed to lift a little more of the darkness hanging over Siffrin. “This place has a theater. Whether there are any plays worth watching showing tonight, I don’t know but it’s worth a check.”
“I haven’t seen a play in a long time.” They’d used to like those, right? It’s why they’d settled into the mindset that the loops were like a play with a script and whatnot. Would that association ruin real plays for them though? Probably the only way to find out was to sit and watch one.
“Exactly. So we’re going to go see one tonight if we can.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” They were going to go somewhere and have fun with their family today, maybe even watch a play. That sounded like a nice time, maybe even worth not killing themself for.
Summary: Trying to sleep in the Clock Tower is too similar to how it was in the loops, leading Siffrin to doubt whether he's truly out of them. Isabeau helps.
~
The ceiling of the Clock Tower’s bedroom was the same. As were the sounds of his family – ex-family? Were they still family if they hadn’t had the discussion about it? What about the fact that he’d ruined the hangouts that were supposed to lead to that discussion?– sleeping around him. Even the bed beneath him felt the same.
Even with all that being the case, with how exhausted Siffrin was, falling asleep should’ve been easy. But his heart was pounding in his chest as he stared up at that all too familiar ceiling. What if it wasn’t really over? What if he woke up tomorrow and it was time to go into the House to kill the King? Or what if he woke up in the field again. Maybe last loop had all been a dream that he’d just now woken from. Had he ever done that during the loops? Woken in the middle of the night after going to bed? … He couldn’t recall. In fact when was the last time he’d even bothered to go to the Clock Tower sleepover instead of looping forward straight into the House? A while for sure.
They rolled over to look at Isa asleep next to them. … He looked just like he did in the loops after falling asleep. It was all the same. Nothing had changed. Everything was the same.
Siffrin shot upright. No, no, no. It was real. The King was defeated and they’d gotten through talking to the Head Housemadien. Everyone had agreed to stay together because they all wanted to. It was real. That had happened. … Right?
They could wake someone and ask. … That would be rude. Everyone was tired. They were responsible for some of that tiredness, yelling at everyone and forcing them to come save them. Waking any of them after after all that would be uncalled for.
He removed the blanket from himself before shifting to slide off the side of the bed. Then quickly as he could while still trying for stealth he headed for the door and then out, closing it behind himself. Down the stairs and into the central dining room area.
Did this room look any different? Maybe? They’d crept down here in the middle of the night a few times but it had been a long time since that last time and it hadn’t been often enough to tell if the table, chairs, and/or travel packs in the corner were in the same position or not. … Outside! The House was visible from here, right?
Out he went, not bothering with closing the door this time. Without the cloak, the night air was almost a little chilly, the grass cool under his bare feet. It might’ve woken him up a bit more but a heavy blanket of exhaustion still lay over him, making it feel almost as if he were moving through deep water. Maybe this was a nightmare. He would forever be searching for proof that he wasn’t in the loops anymore but would never find any. Maybe everything was frozen in time, never changing, even more stagnant than being merely in a time loop.
It was too dark to see the House. The small Craft light over the Clock Tower’s entrance didn’t extend nearly far enough to be at all helpful. There wasn’t even a clear view of the House through the trees, only the top floor and roof were ever visible from here. They would have to…
“Sif?”
They snapped back around. Isa stood in the doorway of the Clock Tower. “You uh… going somewhere?” If he was awake anyway, it’d be okay to ask, right?
Siffrin rushed back over to stand in front of him. Even that short distance had them almost panting. They were tired, so, so tired. But they’d been feeling that way for a while. When was the last time they’d felt properly rested? … They couldn’t remember. Good ol’ them, not remembering things again.
“Sif, are you okay? Or uh… that’s a stupid question, huh? What’s wrong? How can I help?”
Distractions, distractions. Siffrin had been too caught up in his pathetic exhaustion and had thus forgotten his line again. … Except there wasn’t a line for this, right? It was new? Because he was free? Right? “It happened? It’s over? Right? That happened, didn’t it?” He couldn’t say what lest that lead Isa into giving a false ‘yes’ to make him feel better.
“You mean the loops? Yeah, they’re over. It happened, we found out how to break them. We agreed to continue to travel together. As soon as you’re recovered enough to travel, we’re gonna head out to Bambouche to find Bonbon’s sister. It all happened, I promise.”
The rush of relief was enough to make them shake and tremble or maybe that was just the exhaustion and Craft sickness again. “This is real? I’m not dreaming, right?” That’d be the kind of cruel trick their mind would play on them; give them a dream of finding a way out only for them to wake in the meadow like always.
“Yes. This is real. You’re not dreaming. You wanna come back inside now?” He extended a hand towards them. Not to touch but an offer to because he wasn’t assuming they wouldn’t be open to such a gesture.
Siffrin took it. In a rush, they hadn’t put the gloves on before heading out, meaning it was skin to skin contact. … That really did make it more intense, huh? In a good way in this instance. Isa’s hand was warm and real. This was real, not a dream or nightmare.
Isa lead the way back inside and blessedly didn’t let go of his hand even after bringing him over to sit at the table. “You wanna talk or… or what?”
Siffrin’s heart was still pounding a bit to hard to truly relax. He needed a little bit more to come the rest of the way down. “Talk.”
“Okay. Let’s talk. What’s up?”
Siffrin breathed in and out, steadying themself a little bit more before looking up and then back down at him. They were too tired for a real smirk but they tried their best anyway, not to be fake but because they wanted to be funny and the right expression and tone was an important part of the delivery. “The ceiling.”
Isa smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is, huh? But uh… why’d you get out of bed? You need rest.”
“I uh… um… haven’t actually slept in a long time. I don’t remember the last time actually.” That didn’t answer the question but it also wasn’t claiming to be fine so it was an improvement, right?
“What do you mean by that exactly?”
“I skipped sleeping in the Clock Tower most loops because I didn’t really need sleep or food anyway so why bother, right?”
He frowned at them, his thumb petting the back of their hand. “Um, maybe because of some time loop shenanigans you didn’t need to eat or sleep physically but I feel like, mentally you probably could’ve used both, especially sleep.”
“Food didn’t help. I never felt full no matter how much I ate. I snuck down here to eat until I threw up once and at no point did I actually feel properly full or satisfied, just sick and bad. And… and… before I stopped sleeping, it felt like I was just… skipping forward, not resting. Like I would blink and it would be the next day. I wouldn’t feel like I hadn’t slept but I also wasn’t any more rested than I was before I blinked.”
“That sounds awful. No wonder you exploded like that.”
“It doesn’t make any of what I said okay.”
“No, it doesn’t but it is… you know, more context. Can I ask how exactly you skipped stuff though?”
“I could loop forward. It cost memories of some of our battles but there were a lot of those so it was basically free. I forgot other stuff sometimes too but uh… I’m pretty sure that was just me being me.” At least during the loops they’d learned why their brain seemed to be full of holes. Though knowing only made them more aware of the big gaping hole in their memory where so much should’ve been but wasn’t and would never be again.
Isa nodded. “Okay. So you could chose to loop forward or backwards whenever you wanted?”
“Sort of. But um… I’m not… ready to talk about… that… yet.” Even just forcing themself to say that much was difficult in that it was admitting to it being something bad. Confessing to repeatedly killing themself, especially with the dagger, wasn’t going to be a fun conversation. Maybe they didn’t need to be that honest? Decisions for future, hopefully better rested and thus more emotionally stable, them to make.
“All right, later then. You ready to go back to bed now?”
Siffrin was tired, so, so, so tired, as if all that skipping sleep in the loops had finally caught up them but… “No.”
Isa’s hand on theirs, so big and warm, tightened slightly. It was a little moist now too, not necessarily pleasant but all the more real for it. “Why not?”
Siffrin looked away, casting his gaze towards the stairs that lead to the bedroom. His position didn’t allow them to see up them much. “It’s the same. Every night it was the exact same and… it still is. I wasn’t… I thought that…I came down here ‘cause I needed proof that the loops were over.” And Isa had provided that but as soon as they were back in their usual positions, it’d be hard to not start to wondering again, right?
“Oh! Oh! That makes sense. We should’ve realized that that would be a problem sooner. Sorry we didn’t. But we can sleep down here tonight.”
“Huh?” They looked back at him. He looked genuine.
“Tomorrow we can look for different sleeping arrangements. We should’ve done it earlier but it’s a bit late now and we should probably stay where we can easily be found in case anyone else wakes up and notices we’re not in bed and starts to worry. So for tonight, the sleeping bags should be okay, right?”
It was such a simple, obvious solution. They’d never slept anywhere other than upstairs in the bedroom during the loops, so just don’t sleep in there. Literally any other room or place would be fine. “Yeah that… would work. Why didn’t I think of that?” Because they were stupid.
Isa smiled and squeezed his hand again. “Because you’re exhausted. Now c’mon, let’s get out the sleeping bags and chose which corner we wanna sleep in.”
Siffrin stood with him and allowed him to lead them over to where their travel packs were. Unfortunately getting out the sleeping bags meant he had to let go of their hand. It felt much colder as soon as he did. They weren’t going to be a baby about it though. “You don’t have to sleep down here with me. The bed’s more comfortable.”
“I want to though unless uh…” He paused and looked back up at them. “Unless you’d rather I didn’t? I was probably there every night too huh? So, if you don’t want me here, that’s…”
“No!” The least Siffrin could’ve done was not interrupt and blurt it out like that but that was the last thing they wanted Isa to think.“I want you here. I just… I had to offer because I don’t want you to feel like you have to.” Not asking him to stay, just stating that they wanted him to. Did that make it easier or less embarrassing? … Maybe a little.
“Okay. I’ll stay then because I do want to.” He went back to freeing his sleeping roll from his pack.
Siffrin sat down next to him and pulled their own pack over to themself. Before freeing their sleeping roll from it though… “And um… I would also like if… we could hold hands at least until I fall asleep.” Still not asking, just stating what they would like to have happen. That put less pressure and expectation on him to agree to it, right? He could state his own preference in reply and if it countered Siffrin’s, it wasn’t a rejection, just him saying he wanted something different. … This ‘it’s not technically asking’ reasoning was starting to get convoluted, wasn’t it? It was a little easier though so who cared?
He smiled at them. “All right, sure. As long as uh…” his face darkened slightly with a blush, “you don’t mind if my hands are little sweaty sometimes.”
Siffrin took a deep breath, in and out, steadying himself and his voice before responding. “I don’t mind. It’s easier to believe it’s real if not everything’s perfectly perfect anyway.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
Soon enough they had the sleeping rolls out and set up in the corner opposite the kitchen, close enough that they were almost touching. Siffrin claimed the spot in the corner itself where he could see much of the room without having anything behind him if he were to sit up. Isa popped back upstairs to grab the blanket and the pillows from their abandoned bed, allowing them to lay atop the sleeping bags, sharing the blanket.
The bed had been more comfortable but this was different. How it felt, the view of the ceiling as Siffrin blinked up at it, and of course Isa’s hand in theirs, warm and yes, a little sweaty, but it was grounding. Siffrin loved him so, so much. Whether that love had a romantic element to it the way his love for them did, they still weren’t sure. Right now it didn’t matter. He was here and so, so wonderful and Siffrin loved him. They loved all their family and the loops were over. They were free!Their family loved them enough to free them even after all the terrible things they’d said. Things were getting better. Everything wasn’t okay yet but maybe one day, it would be. With the passage of time restored finally, there was hope for that again.
Campfire Fest Day 7: Free Day: Our Other Time Buddy
@outerwilds-events
~
The Eye Tracking Module was smaller than Gabbro would’ve thought given how bright the explosion caused by its firing was in the sky overhead at the start of every loop. But it’s not like they had much experience firing probes off into void of space so its size wasn’t surprising either.
Adhering to the typical Nomai design standards, it was sleek and pretty. If Gabbro ever got out of the loops they’d have to make a sculpture of it with a nice little poem to serve as its plague to commemorate the journey it had gone on. It had flown through space for more than nine million loops, an impossible number to comprehend, loyally sending its data back each and every time.
“I’m beginning to think that maybe this wasn’t a great first date idea after all,” Auri said as they brought their ship in closer. Matching the probe’s velocity, it looked and almost felt like they were both still now.
“No, this is perfect.” Gabbro hadn’t considered it as a good potential date idea until Auri had suggested it. “It’s our other time buddy in a way, right? Except it’s been looping even longer than we have.”
“Hmm… that’s one way to put it, I guess. But uh, can computers feel lonely?”
“No, probably not,” if so, this situation would be too tragic to bear, “and thus it didn’t suffer from loneliness but it was indeed alone for a very long time. But now it’s not. It found the Eye and we found it.”
“And now all we have to do is find the Eye too and… who knows what happens next, right?”
“Yep! A whole new adventure. Let’s complete this adventure first though and pop out for a better look.” Later Gabbro would ask Auri to take some good pictures of it to save to their ship’s computer to potentially and hopefully use a reference later. First though, an up close personal look would be fun.
Getting into a computer that would let them look for the code for the Dream Simulation was easier said than done but Auri was nothing if not stubborn. And this was it, laid out on the computer screen at long, long last. Naturally it was incomprehensible. Auri didn’t understand the language well enough to grasp it or even what the readable version of the code should look like but that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was that they had it.
The inhabitants of the Stranger had built a whole digital world for themselves to exist in even beyond death. Had that been the plan from the start? To sleep and Dream and until death took them and then continue in the Simulation until the Stranger failed? Such didn’t sound like a fun existence to Auri, too stagnant and cowardly, but perhaps their neurology was different to point of that being just fine for them. Regardless they’d done it and now Auri had found out how.
Next step was figuring out how to transfer these files to their ship’s computer so they could look at them whenever, wherever without having to break in here every single loop. And then would come time to learn the language the rest of the way and then decipher all of this. Also easier said than done but learning about aliens had been what brought them to space in the first place. And then once they had that perhaps they could make changes to the Simulation? Or perhaps upon freeing themself of the loops they could figure out how to make their own digital world to do who even knew what in? The possibilities weren’t quite endless but they were vast and exciting. Auri couldn’t wait to get started.
Campfire Fest Day 5: Study, Crossover (Subnautica)
@outerwilds-events
[A/N] I wanted to do this one as a full fic that I was going put in its own fic posting but by the time I got to it, I had only like a week left before the event started so I didn't have time. So it remains a drabble and thus gets put here.
~
Auri’s ship was destroyed; bad. Currently the only part accessible to them was the cockpit; bad. Even if they had all the parts, fixing it would be hard given the whole having been knocked out of the sky by a beam of light causing the reactor to explode thing; bad. And then there was the question of fuel too: where were they were going to find the means to make rocket fuel on an alien ocean planet? The live alien of obvious intelligence directly interacting with them, had saved them even; good.
On a logical level, that list looked pretty bleak. Saying the good and bad evened out would be a stretch even for the most optimistic of people. The alien was very cool though. They’d followed Auri around while they’d explored their base, getting a lay of their new surroundings, and had now settled back down with them in the ship workshop area with the arms holding the alien water-ship. Presumably they were just as intrigued by Auri as Auri was by them.
“I guess I’m gonna be here for a while,” Auri said even though they couldn’t understand. The alien had been talking to them on and off during their exploration though and so they’d been returning the favor in case verbal communication was particularly important to them and not responding, even when no understanding was present either way, would be considered an insult. Also, being able to talk to a living alien was just plain cool. Having done it before with Solanumand the Prisoner didn’t dampen the excitement of it much. “I hope you don’t mind.”
The alien’s response was just as nonsensical as their own words were to them. Would deciphering their language be possible if Auri studied it for long enough? Probably, right? The Nomai’s had been and they could’ve done so with the Owlk too if not for the whole burning most of their records thing. And Auri would have an actual alien to work with in that deciphering. They would have to get some kind of photographic communication thing going to exchange ideas and hopefully teach each other stuff. So it wasn’t going to be easy but it would be fun and exciting. … Hopefully they would be able to help Auri get back home somehow too. Their base seemed to have some pretty advanced technology after all so hopefully the means to make a space ship wasn’t too far out of their reach.
***
Getting the fabricator to build gear that fit Ryley’s new alien friend was easier than he would’ve thought. Teaching them how to use it took a bit more work but the fellow was seemingly invested in all his tech stuff and thus applied themself to the lessons. He in turn was quite interested in the tech they managed to salvage from the wreckage of their ship. The teleporting lander thing that took pictures was particularly cool. He didn’t dare try to take it apart they way they did with some of his stuff because unlike them he almost certainly wouldn’t be able to put it back together.
Their disposition was obviously impossible to read but they didn’t seem to be too upset about being stranded. Though it was very possible they were just distracting themself with studying him and his stuff because they were obviously a fellow scientist. Speaking of which, one more thing they should be studying was the virus. Maybe they’d have more luck with it than he had so far. Together they surely stood a better chance of figuring out how to deal with it, hopefully before it killed either of them. And then they would have to figure out how to get off this hellhole of a planet. Easier said than done but one thing at a time and finally there was a little bit more hope.
[A/N] This is based off a Outer Wilds Youtube video I watch a while ago in which the guy filming crashed the ship into the Interloper in an attempt to knock it out of its orbit and thus prevent its fall into the sun. They technically succeeded, the Interloper ended up hitting Giant's Deep. Though, if I recall correctly, this wasn't because it was hit but instead had something to do with the player being launched far away and stuff isn't rendered or calculated the same way when the player is too distant from it, resulting in funky stuff happening sometimes, such as the Interloper entering Giant's Deep's space. I figured it made for a fun 'crack fic' idea and a key feature is crashing so it was perfect for this day's set of prompts. And I made it Time Buddies because Giant's Deep is where Gabbro hangs out and thus they would be effected by the Interloper crashing into it.
~
Being flung up into the upper atmosphere by the cyclones always provided a welcome view of the Outer Wilds system. It never changed much, especially since the loops had started, locking all the planets into the same three day (relative to Timber Hearth) cycle. Which made the fact that it was different this loop very surprising. Gabbro had to do a double take, closing their eyes and opening them back up. … Yep. That was the Interloper headed straight for Giant’s Deep.
And then they were headed back down, falling below the cloud cover and ultimately back onto their hammock. Lowering the flute, they lifted a hand to their helmet’s controls to pull up the satellite image overlay. … Yep, that was still the Interloper, way off course to the point it was mere minutes away from crashing into Giant’s Deep. How had Auri managed that? Even if this wasn’t their intent, whatever they’d done was quite impressive. Gabbro wasn’t going to survive long enough to ask this loop.
Turning off the image, Gabbro quickly attached the flute to their harness before hopping off and heading to the opposite side of the island. If their guesstimate on the angles and directions were correct they should be able to see… Ah, there it was now; the Interloper chewing through the cloud cover on entry. Probably not even Auri had died due to tidal wave caused by massive meteor impact so Gabbro would have one unique death under their belt. And it did look quite cool so they weren’t terribly bothered by this.
Next Loop
Gabbro could finish putting up the hammock with their eyes closed by now. If only the loop had started five minutes later or they’d been five minutes faster in putting it up, they’d have been saved a ton of trouble, equating to probably by now hours of hammock set up time. By the time they were done, their radio was buzzing. That would be Auri, presumably so excited to share their feat they were doing it via radio before coming all the way here. Eager to know what that feat was exactly, Gabbro hurried over to answer.
“I didn’t mean for it to hit Giant’s Deep! I’m so sorry!” Ah, not excitement then but undue worry.
“It’s fine. We’re in a time loop. What was your plan though and how’d you do it?”
“I wanted to see if I could knock the Interloper out of its orbit enough that it wouldn’t fall into the sun. The best way to do this was by crashing into it very fast with my ship. I ejected right before which flung me off into space so I had to watch through the satellite map. Which let me see that I succeeded, yay, awesome. But also that it went into Giant’s Deep instead, not so awesome because that’s where you are. Are you sure it’s okay?”
“Yep, it was kinda cool actually. Also, very impressive, good job.” The autopilot wouldn’t allow for that so they’d had to have done at least some of it manually.
“Oh, all right. Thanks! … Want to do it with me? The timing is gonna be tighter if I pick you up first but I think there’s still enough of a window to hit it before it goes into the sun.”
“Hmm… sure, sounds like fun. Maybe the different timing will make it crash into another planet this time.”
“Ooh, if it went into Dark Bramble and killed one of those awful monsters in there, that’d be super cool and Feldspar would probably be fine so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting anyone. I’m already on my way, see you soon.”
The campsite at the base of the launch tower wasn’t new. It had been there pretty much since the launch tower had been built. The tower’s location had been chosen with the idea that there would be a campsite underneath to accommodate the astronauts’ tradition of sleeping out underneath the stars the night before launch day. Despite all that, it felt new and exciting.
Auri set up their sleeping bag but didn’t lie in it yet. Instead, they sat on the log by the fire. Tomorrow was finally the day. Soon they would be in space. It was merely a single sleep away! … And one last chat with Hornfels to get the launch code which would require a walk through town. Such was another tradition to facilitate a go-through of saying ‘see ya when I get back from space’ to loved ones.
Probably Auri would talk to everyone who was out and about, they liked talking to people after all and wouldn’t be able to do so in person again until they returned or met up with one of the other Venture members. Or maybe they’d be too excited and go straight for Hornfels without pausing to talk to anyone other than Hal and probably Gossan. Slate would be here in the morning too on the off chance that something needed fixing with the ship last minute so Auri would probably chat with them too no matter what. They would decide who all they talked to tomorrow. Tonight they were sitting at the fire, watching it dance.
Soon they’d lie down in their sleeping bag and stare up at the stars until they fell asleep. And then this time tomorrow, they would be in space or on an alien planet, exploring, learning more about what was out there. The secrets of the universe were theirs to discover. … Or maybe not the universe but the Nomai for sure. The translator tool was going to be a great boon in finally learning more about them. Maybe Auri would even find out what happened to them. That would be cool! Or maybe, just maybe, they’d find a living Nomai. Probably not but they were allowed to dream a little, right?
They’d dream for just a bit longer. Tomorrow their adventure would begin. It was going to be fun no matter what happened. For now the world was quiet, the crackling of the flames the only sound. It was peaceful.
I have made a maybe poor decision in writing the first chapter of two different multi-chapter fics. In my defense, one of them was supposed to have been just a 'wouldn't it be fucked up if' one shot so I wrote it first but then realized 'oh no, there's some good potential here, I want to continue it'. But also, I was excited for the other idea so I wrote the first chapter of that one too. Now I want to continue both of them but don't know which one I'm excited for the continuation of more.
So which fic do I work on/finish first?
Bonnie starts looping with Siffrin
Mira starts looping with Siffrin
Write the first chapter/one shot of a secret third thing first instead
Voting ended onMar 23
Basic concept explanations for each below the cut.
Bonnie starts looping with Siffrin. The idea here is that everyone in the party is capable of looping/remembering the loops, they just have to trigger a loop via dying first and then they're in for the long haul alongside Siffrin. Bonnie is the only other 100% confirmed death (Mira is perfectly capable of using her shield without Sif's input and thus they might not have died when they went into the House alone and Sif dies first when they lose to the King) so I decided to explore this idea with them. (This is also the one that was supposed to be a 'wouldn't it be fucked up if' one shot but there's some interesting potential here for Sif having to force themself to be slightly more hinged in order to be there for Bonnie through this.)
Mira starts looping with Siffrin. The idea here is that a key piece to leading to Siffrin's conclusion that results in their Act 5 meltdown is missing, resulting in them being stuck for much longer. Time Craft is supposed kill the user, it doesn't because of Wish Craft helping, but it still doesn't seem to be free of physical strain. Upon reaching Act 4, Siffrin is mentioned as being constantly hungry, no matter how much he eats. So they end up looping until they're weak enough from it that any more would render them unable to continue and thus Mira because the fuel for the loop in their stead because the Wish still holds. And thus she remembers and is the one looping now. (Her first loop is Sif using the dagger on themself in front of her because they have zero reason to think anything might change with the way the loops work; no way she would feel like she could continue after that, right?)
Secret third thing. I have an idea for a scenario in which Isabeau might start looping with Siffrin too. The secret is the method because I'm not 100% set on it yet but it's different than the upper two ideas. I would also like to do one with Odile but only have vague ideas of how she might start.
They'd Surely Hate Him If They Knew: Chapter 5/5: So Loyal, It Hurt
Chapter One
Previous Chapter
~
Sif was particularly cute when sleeping. Facing Isabeau and curled up slightly, they looked at peace in a way they rarely did when awake. As always, it was a lovely sight to wake up to. The temptation to reach out and touch them was strong but Isabeau mustn’t. Except well, maybe it would be okay if he did? One of the many things Sif had revealed about themself yesterday was that they actually didn’t dislike being touched, they just needed a heads up about it. Which couldn’t be given when they were asleep, so actually, yes, still a ‘no’ right now. Maybe later.
The light coming in through the curtains said it was well into morning if not fully daytime by now. Not surprising, getting through the House had taken all day yesterday. The sun had almost finished setting by the time they reached the top thus the excitement about defeating the King had quickly shifted into relieved exhaustion. Presumably today there would be more celebration. Well-earned too. No one had died and they’d saved a whole country. Fantastic, the best possible outcome to their quest. It was wild to think it was over, that they’d finally done it. They’d won!
Isabeau was happy and proud of all of them but also… Sif. Despite the late hour they’d dragged him to the House’s infirmary last night to have him looked at by a real doctor sooner rather than later lest whatever had caused his amnesia be a time sensitive issue. The doctor had thankfully been willing to help also despite everything else going on as thanks for the whole saving the country thing. He’d been given a clean bill of health. Whatever had caused the amnesia wasn’t getting worse and hadn’t seemed to have caused any other problems either. Good news of course but the doctor also hadn’t been able to figure out what had caused it. Which made the likelihood of it being fixable all the lower. And then there was the everything else Sif had accidentally revealed they were also dealing with.
The plan had been that everyone would go home after killing the King, right? None of them had properly discussed it, it had just been kind of assumed and it made logical sense. But where did that leave Sif? They were mentally unwell and didn’t know where home was or where they’d been heading before joining the group. All they currently knew was the group.
Isabeau had failed them on so many levels. He should’ve gotten to know more about them, had actively wanted to even, but had been too afraid to ask for anything they weren’t openly volunteering. If he had, he could’ve helped them more with all the stuff they’d forgotten. And they hated themself. If he’d known before he could’ve been helping, right? He knew what not liking oneself was like after all. It was something he still wasn’t quite entirely free of but he was a lot better than he had been, so he could’ve been someone to talk and relate to if nothing else. And… and… the kiss. He’d pushed them away and they’d looked so scared. He’d made whatever was wrong worse. After apologizing for it, he’d felt better but turns out part of that ‘worse’ included Sif getting struck with amnesia. The specifics of how that worked or what exactly happened there didn’t matter, the timing of it was too precise for them to not be related. Or maybe he was falling into the same self-blame trap Sif had and it was just a coincidence that it lined up so perfectly. It was hard to know for sure.
Regardless Isabeau had to make it up to them. The plan had already been to make some changes after finishing the quest anyway. Here was one more; be a better friend. He’d avoided thinking too much about what exactly that would mean once their quest was done because they’d all needed to focus on getting through the House alive first but that was blessedly no longer a factor. It was time to make a decision. What was Isabeau going to do to help Sif?
The most obvious thing was to not leave them, right? Unless they wanted to go back to traveling alone anyway but how likely was that? They were so loyal, it hurt to think about. They’d gone into the House despite the amnesia and had outright admitted to be willing to die for everyone even after only consciously remembering them for a day. That was a lot and intense and… gosh Isabeau loved them so much. If only he could scoop them up and hold them close to make all their bad feelings and problems go away. But alas, that’s not how it worked. So he was going to suggest they stay together. Whether that meant inviting them to come back to Jouvente with him or going with them to look for their home and/or wherever they’d been headed to before joining the group was up to them if they agreed to the suggestion.
If they were traveling together more though maybe they could start with taking Bonbon back home to their sister? Someone had to after all, why not them? And it would give all three of them more time together which would be nice. Especially since things had been awkward between the two of them since the eye incident which the amnesia added a new layer to. Some more time to navigate that would probably be beneficial to both of them, right? Also a chance to meet Bonbon’s sister and say ‘hey, your little sibling’s a real good cook and helped us save the country, you should be proud of them,’ would be neat.
Would Mira and Madame Odile want to come too? There was no reason the completion of their quest had to be cause for an immediate ‘goodbye, see you later’, right? They could all stay together for a little bit longer, not just for Sif but also just because they enjoyed each other’s company and it would be pleasant to experience that without the King’s curse weighing over them. It wouldn’t hurt to ask. Though it would be kind of scary, wouldn’t it? Mira and/or Odile might have important things they needed to get back to or might just prefer to return to their own lives in general. Putting them in a position in which they’d have to reject the idea of staying together as a group would be uncomfortable for everyone. But well, perhaps if they’d all been more open to asking vulnerable questions of each other sooner they would’ve known Sif was struggling and maybe somehow that might’ve also possibly prevented whatever caused his amnesia. So Isabeau was going to be brave and call a group discussion to suggest the idea.
Decision made, Isabeau turned his attention back on to Sif sleeping peacefully next to him. Carefully, oh so carefully, he lifted a hand and brushed their hair out of their face, revealing more of it. They had no idea of just how wonderful and fun they were to hang out with. Isabeau was going to do his best to help them see that side of themself going forward.
With that unspoken promise made, Isabeau pulled away and carefully extracted himself from the bed. Sif had always been a somewhat heavy sleeper but even more than usual, he deserved to sleep in – they all did after yesterday. He tucked Sif back in, taking a brief moment to gently stroke his hair again, before heading off to get ready for the day.
Upon finding his way downstairs, he slowed to a stop as he entered the kitchen. Mira was present at the coffee pot. Not surprising as she hadn’t been in bed but she looked tired, indicating she probably hadn’t been up for long yet. Upon catching his gaze, she smiled. “Good morning. Even though uh… I guess it’s only arguably morning by now. Want some coffee? I was going to make tea but I think something stronger would help more so I made coffee instead.”
“Good late morning to you too and coffee sounds great.” Isabeau wasn’t usually big on it either but after yesterday a stronger pick-me-up to get going again would be welcome. He grabbed a mug from the cabinet and brought it over to pour himself a mug. “How you feeling?” The lead position was naturally more stressful and the quest had started as hers alone thus there’d been quite a lot of weight on her shoulders yesterday.
“Uh… good, I think. Still a little tired but good. I’m glad that whole thing is over. It’ll be nice to just… not have to worry about all that anymore.”
“Yeah, it’s certainly a relief, huh? You did a fantastic job yesterday by the way. Thanks for leading us to victory.”
“Thanks for helping and being there. I couldn’t have done it without you guys. And um… speaking of that, I think we need to have a group discussion about what we’re gonna do next once everyone’s up.”
“Oh. I was also gonna suggest a group discussion.”
“What about?”
He took a sip of coffee. It was hot and still slightly bitter even with all the creamer he’d added to make it palatable. The taste alone was enough to wake him a little more. “We’ll discuss during our group discussion.” Bringing it up with everyone all at once would be easier than doing it one by one.
She looked disappointed for a moment before nodding and taking a sip of her own coffee. “That’s fair. But uh… while it’s just us two, I have a question about you and Siffrin, if that’s okay?”
“Go for it.”
“Okay so, not to bring up an awkward topic again but um… yesterday when we were discussing the cause of Siffrin’s amnesia, you both said something like ‘it would’ve been fine if it was okay’ about the kiss, right? I thought it was odd at the time but… there was a lot going on in that discussion already, so I didn’t want to interrupt and ask. But what did you two mean by that exactly?”
Everything about that failed kiss was a mess. If Isabeau had handled it better… Too late now. “It means uh… if he’d kissed me and it wasn’t so sudden and it wasn’t so obvious that something was wrong with him, I would’ve been very happy. So um, it would’ve been fine if everything was okay with the entire situation but it uh… wasn’t.”
Mira’s eyes widened with surprise. She liked romance in fiction but seemed discomforted by it in real life so her not picking up on Isabeau’s feelings for Sif wasn’t a surprise. “Oh. I thought it sounded like that but I didn’t think you two were… But you’re not, are you? You would’ve told me, right? And.. and now um… ” She cut off, covering it with a long sip of coffee to calm herself down with. “Sorry. I probably shouldn’t ask.”
“Nah, it’s fine.” Everything had pretty much already been brought out in the open already anyway, might as well clear it up to get everyone on the same page. And he’d wanted to tell her anyway but hadn’t for fear of it being an uncomfortable topic for her. She’d been curious enough to ask though so probably it was fine. “I’m uh… kinda madly in love with them. I was planning on confessing after we killed the King but… you know.” After the conversation they’d had the night before when he’d basically already confessed just without saying it outright, he’d been so sure he’d have the courage to say it properly when it came time to.
She grimaced. “The amnesia.”
“Yeah, that makes it a bit awkward. We did kind of talk about it the other night when I uh… took advantage of that amnesia to make him to do the dishes with me. Oops.” It was supposed to have been his and Mira’s turn to do the dishes but he’d pulled Sif in instead and she’d let him. So in a way they’d both taken advantage of his amnesia.
“To be fair, you knew you were taking advantage of his memory issues already. They’re just… worse than normal now.”
“It still feels kinda bad though.” He’d felt kind of bad about it at the time too but calling them out in front of everyone would’ve felt worse. And he’d wanted to apologize about the push because even if they didn’t remember it he’d still felt bad about it and turns out he had good reason to. “But I just… wanted to make sure they were okay.”
She nodded. “I’d been thinking about pulling them aside too, actually, until you beat me to it. But I guess we now know why they were staring at everyone so intently.”
“Yeah.” He’d probably been desperate to pick up whatever information he could to keep up the illusion of knowing what was going on because he’d thought they would hate him if they knew. How sad. Should Isabeau have tried to pull him into their dinner conversation or would that have made it worse? “Anyway uh… that’s when we talked about it and I told him it would’ve been fine if it was okay.” And the reason he’d ask that question was likely more just wanting to know stuff. No wonder he was confused about his own feelings though. “So he knows how I feel and so does everyone else. I uh… really wish it had come out differently.” Something exciting instead of as part of Sif spilling his metaphorical guts all over the place in a self-hating tirade.
“It’s… unfortunate. I’m sorry.”
Isabeau looked down into this coffee mug. It was half empty by now. The conversation had probably woken him up more than it had. “Do you think it was my fault? Sif’s amnesia’s, I mean.” He couldn’t look back up at her as he asked. It felt like his fault, like everyone, especially Sif, should be holding it against him. Which made him a hypocrite because Sif had made clear they felt that way about it too which he didn’t want them to. They were the victim though, the one with amnesia, all Isabeau had suffered was a bad kiss from someone he would’ve been delighted to kiss under better circumstances, so surely it was different, right?
“Hmm… no. I don’t think so. I mean, we don’t even really know what happened, right? So I don’t think either of you are at fault and blaming yourselves isn’t going to help. Even though I know um… saying that probably doesn’t make you feel much better, huh? Something bad happens and you feel like ‘oh, if I had been better, or done something differently, I could’ve stopped it or at least helped more but I didn’t so it must be my fault’ and it’s just…” she let out a heavy sigh, “unfortunate.”
Today was supposed to have been nothing but celebration. They’d defeated the King, freeing the country from his curse and themselves from the stress of the country’s fate resting on their shoulders. None of them had died or been seriously injured. So everything should’ve been fine but it wasn’t because Sif still had amnesia and it was maybe at least partially Isabeau’s fault. The reveal that they’d apparently been feeling pretty damn awful about themself for who even knew how long made it worse. But nonetheless, Mira in particular should’ve been celebrating. She’d been on the quest longer than any of the rest of them and thus deserved a break from stressing about stuff. Before he could apologize for bringing her down though…
“I assume from the expressions on your faces, you’re talking about Siffrin’s amnesia?” Madame Odile said as she walked into the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Mira said as she and Isabeau stepped to the side free the space in front of the coffee pot.
“It’s hard not to think about it. We were kinda too busy to yesterday so I guess today’s the day we’re thinking and thus also talking about it.” And Isabeau was probably going to be thinking about it for a long time because how could he not? Even if it wasn’t directly his fault, he still could’ve prevented it, right? If he’d just responded differently to the kiss itself or followed up more on the realization that Sif was a bit off or had just been there for them more beforehand in general.
Madame Odile was silent for a few thoughtful moments as she prepared herself a cup of coffee. “I still wish we knew more. The whole situation is odd. We’re missing something. But on a somewhat related note, I believe we should have a group discussion once everyone’s up and had breakfast.”
“Ooh,” Mira said, her tone mirroring Isabeau’s interest, “we both had that thought too. I guess today’s the most logical day for a group discussion, huh?”
It was indeed the most logical day for such, it might be the last after all. Hopefully not if Isabeau’s idea was agreed to. What were the chances both of them were thinking along similar lines? … Not terrible, right? They all liked each other’s company, someone needed to escort Bonbon back to their sister, and saying ‘bye, come visit sometime,’ to Sif who only remembered knowing all of them for a bit more than a single day would surely feel at least odd to everyone. The temptation to ask right now was strong but it was indeed something they should discuss as a whole group which meant waiting for their last two members to wake up and make their way down.
~
Bonbon came down a couple minutes later, looking about as tired as everyone else. They perked up the fastest though to no one’s surprise, no coffee needed even. Naturally, they weren’t going to be expected to cook today and so Mira took them out to get food from elsewhere because she had some people she needed to say ‘hello’ to as well.
By the time they returned it was closer to an early lunch time than breakfast. Sif still wasn’t up yet though. Isabeau volunteered to be the one to fetch them. So back upstairs he went.
Sif was lying flat on his back now… staring up at the ceiling because he was very obviously awake. Had leaving him up here alone been a mistake? Too late to do anything about it now if it was.
Isabeau approached. “Hey pal.”
They turned their head to look at him. “Hey.”
“You feeling all right?”
“Yeah. … Do I normally sleep in like this?”
“Not usually this late but you are the last one up most of the time. When we were on the road we often had to wake you so we could eat breakfast and get going.”
Sif did their little ‘good to know’ nod as they no doubt filed that piece of information about themself away. When he had the chance to, Isabeau would have take them to a theater. Maybe he wouldn’t even tell them that they liked plays beforehand and would instead let them figure that out for themself. He’d have to find where their wood carving tools went too. And… the stars. He would have to take them stargazing one night. They would never have all the pieces of their past though as they’d never shared much about their personal life and no one had ever asked. Why had Isabeau never talked much with them about their past prior to joining the group or where they’d planned to go next after the quest was done? He’d wanted to know. Too late now.
“But uh… you’d tell me if you weren’t all right, wouldn’t you?” Isabeau apparently hadn’t talked to them enough about their current well being before either. In part because they’d never volunteered anything and obviously still would rather not, right? So… “Or wait, no, I’m gonna go ahead and change that to ‘please tell me if you’re not feeling all right’. Because apparently you’ll only willingly come forward with your problems if keeping them to yourself increases the chances of everyone else getting crushed by a giant boulder. Which, while I appreciate you being brave and doing the scary thing of talking about your problems to help us keep safe, your well being matters too and we want to help. So please even if it’s not life or death, talk to us when you’re not feeling good.”
Sif grimaced slightly. “You got me there. I’m uh… I don’t know. I’m just not sure what I’ll do next, I guess. I’m sure I’ll figure it out… somehow.”
“Actually, after we eat, we’re gonna have a group discussion about what we’re gonna do next. So maybe don’t stress too much.”
Sif sat up, his gaze intense enough that Isabeau almost couldn’t meet it. “I thought everyone would want to go home.”
“Well, that was maybe the plan but someone’s gotta take Bonbon to reunite with their sister. And while I do have plans, there’s no reason I have to go back to Jouvente to do them.” In fact, staying on the road for a little longer might help with those plans. From very near the start he’d been noticing how even just small stylistic preferences could change from one town to another. It’s what had got him thinking more seriously about taking his hobbyist interest in clothing design and doing something more involved with it. Being able to slow down and focus on that kind of stuff more would be nice. “I don’t know what Mira and M’dame are thinking but that’s part of what we’re gonna talk about. So time to rise and shine! We got a day of talking ‘bout stuff and celebrating our victory yesterday ahead of us.”
Sif stared at him for a few moments more before returning his smile – real or fake? It was hard to tell – and moving to get out of bed. What were they thinking? Isabeau had often wondered that before because they were so mysterious and cool but things were different. Sif was a mystery to themself now too. How uncomfortable must that be?
~
Food with friends was always great. If the group discussion didn’t turn out how Isabeau hoped it would, he was going to miss this. So he did his best to enjoy it as much as possible even if not quite all his worries had been taken care of with the King’s defeat.
Afterwards they gathered in the central room, seated around the now cleared off table. Despite also having the idea for a group discussion neither Mira or Madame Odile immediately volunteered to speak first. Isabeau could’ve but he wanted to give them a chance to, especially since his thing was a big thing to ask. Sif naturally didn’t volunteer anything either, they hadn’t said much during the entirety of breakfast/lunch. Which left Bonbon to pick up the slack.
They raised a hand as they spoke. “Um… if no one’s saying anything can I ask something?”
“Of course.” Mira looked about as relieved as Isabeau felt that someone else had broken the silence.
“What’s Frin gonna do now? ‘Cause uh… they don’t remember anything from before and we don’t know where they were going or why so we can’t tell them to go back to doing whatever thing, right? So what you gonna do now Frin?”
Sif shifted their gaze onto the table as they pulled their hat down, hiding their face. They’d done similar stuff before but when they did it now, it was more blatant, no attempt to obscure their intent to hide their face at all. “I don’t know. Just… wonder around until I find… something, I guess.”
“Oh.” Bonbon frowned. They too felt bad about the idea of just saying ‘bye, see you later’ then because who wouldn’t when Sif only had one day’s worth of memories in general including of all of them? Given enough time they’d probably put the pieces together on how to possibly fix that. There was no need for them to because it opened the perfect opportunity for Isabeau’s idea.
“Actually Bonbon, I was thinking…” “I was just thinking that…” “That is actually what I…” he, Mira, and Madame Odile all started at the same time, cutting off together as well.
“Wow,” Bonbon said in the silence that followed. “No one wants to talk and then everyone wants to talk and then uh… you all stop at the same time too. That’s weird.”
“We’re in sync, neat. But uh, why don’t you go first M’dame?” Isabeau smiled and gestured at her.
She frowned and crossed her arms. “Someone else can go first.”
He exchanged a look with Mira, sitting across from him. She looked anxious and had probably had enough of being the leader yesterday so his turn even though he was anxious too. He could do this though. If they all might be thinking it, someone needed to say it out loud for everyone’s sake and looks like that someone was going to be him.
He took a deep breath, in and out, like Sif did, both before the amnesia and after, so ingrained the habit was in them. It helped. “Okay, so,” he turned his gaze back onto Bonbon seated on Sif’s other side, making their seating arrangement unintentionally ideal for this suggestion “I was thinking about Sif’s situation earlier too and yours as well Bonbon. Sif you don’t have anywhere to go, right?”
They shrugged. “Nowhere I remember.”
“And Bonbon, you need an escort back to Bambouche to reunite you with your sister.”
“Nah, I don’t need an escort, I can take care of myself now. But uh… company wouldn’t be bad.”
“Fair enough. So I was thinking we could solve both of those problems at once. Me and Sif could be that company if you’re both open to the idea of traveling together for a little longer.”
Bonbon’s eyes lit up. “Oh! I like that idea! That way you guys can meet Nille! She’s uh… she’s real cool. I miss her. I think you’ll like her.”
Sif didn’t immediately respond but had the same look of stunned disbelief on his face as yesterday when everyone had assured him they didn’t hate him, weren’t mad, and still thought of him as a friend even with the amnesia. Had he not considered anything other than going off to wander aimlessly around on his own? Sadly after yesterday, that wasn’t surprising. Not wanting to press him yet, Isabeau turned his gaze away. Now came the hard part. “And uh… Mira and M’dame, maybe one or both of you would like to come along as well?”
Mira’s eyes sparkled as she nodded. “Oh, I would love to! I was actually thinking about suggesting basically that exact thing too. It would’ve felt bad to leave Siffrin alone so I wanted to stay with them and someone needs to take Bonnie home. We brought them all the way here so it just makes sense if it’s us, right?”
Madame Odile’s turn. “I was thinking of suggesting the same thing for the same reasons. And well, it might be enjoyable to spend more time with you four without the weight of the country’s fate hanging over us all the time. We could certainly relax more during the journey.”
See? Asking about these kinds of things was good. Isabeau would have to do his best to keep this energy up in the future. He turned smile back onto Sif. “So Sif pal, what do you think? You like that plan? Maybe even after we reunite Bonbon with their sister, we could stay together for longer if we still feel like we don’t wanna say ‘goodbye’ yet. We can discuss that later when we get there. For now though, your thoughts?”
Sif did their breathing thing twice before responding. “Even after I lied to everyone about the amnesia, you guys still want me around?”
“Yes! We still like you! Stop thinking we don’t!” Bonbon’s tone was edging into exasperation. Which was fair, they were just a kid, patience was hard for them, but it wouldn’t help. If it became a problem Isabeau would pull them aside later to explain the importance of at least trying to be patient with Sif. Getting over self-hatred and all the doubt about how others felt that came with it wasn’t easy and wouldn’t happen overnight just because everyone reassured him that they loved him once or twice. It took work and time.
“You already made pretty clear that you did that because you were scared,” Mira added, not adding that he’d specifically been scared of all of them which was still sad to think about. “So it’s okay.”
“Personally,” Madame Odile said, “I’m curious whether anything related to your mysterious bout of amnesia will ever come to the surface. Probably it won’t but I would still like to know what happened. So in addition to your lie not being an issue and the fondness I’ve grown for you four despite myself, I would also like to keep you around to possibly one day sate that curiosity.”
Isabeau would like to know more about what happened too, in part so he could also know exactly how much fault he held for it, but also it was just odd. Being unfortunate didn’t make it not a mystery that begged to be solved. Maybe one day it would be, maybe it wouldn’t, only time would tell. For now though… “We want you around, Sif. I know that can be hard to believe when you don’t want to be around yourself much but I assure you we do.”
“Okay. Thanks. I would very much like to help bring Bonbon back to their sister. Also uh… sorry for making everyone reassure me again.”
“It’s fine,” Mira waved aside his worry. “Everyone has to reassure me all the time too. It’s kinda nice to be the one doing the reassuring for once. And um… speaking of that, group hug time? Since we now know you’re not adverse to being touched would you like to join too, Siffrin?”
“Uh… yeah, sure.”
Isabeau was always down for a group hug. So he gladly stood for it and gathered everyone in his arms as soon as they were near enough to do so. Madame Odile didn’t join but she was nearby watching with fondness. They’d all made it out alive and well. Victory didn’t have to mean ‘goodbye’ but instead it could be a start of a new adventure. Maybe somewhere along the way Sif would get to know Isabeau properly again and figure out his feelings. Whether those turned out to be romantic or not didn’t really matter as long as he was happy.
During the loops Auri had gotten good at fuel management to the point that they’d never needed to refuel. Granted that was often because leaving themself in a situation that left them without enough fuel to return to Timber Hearth hardly mattered when the loop was destined to reset everything soon anyway. Nonetheless because of that fact, it had ceased being something they had any reason to give much active attention to. Which meant this situation wasn’t their fault and thus there was no need to be embarrassed by it.
Despite that, they continued to stare at the radio instead of picking it up to request assistance from ground control. Their first flight since convincing everyone that they’d spent enough time grounded for mental health reasons and they’d run out of fuel like a reckless moron. On the bright side, they’d landed and merely didn’t have enough fuel left to take off again instead of running out mid-flight and trapping themself into drifting until they hit something or floated off out of the solar system. So they were safe at least. But still what a rookie mistake. They hadn’t even done that on their first real flight.
There was still fuel in their jetpack though so maybe they cold siphon that into the ship’s tank and maybe that would be just enough to get them back to Timber Hearth if they were careful? … No. There was no way that was enough. They had to call for help or continue to sit here until someone came looking. Prompting a whole big search and rescue would be more embarrassing.
With a sigh, they picked up the radio and… didn’t turn the knob to ground control’s frequency. They were set up to communicate with Gabbro who was spending a lot of time on the Quantum Moon. Meaning they might not be reachable, if they were though, they were good at keeping secrets.
They pressed the button. “Hey, Gabbro, come in Gabbro. Aurichalcite here, requesting assistance. Over.”
A beat or two passed before a reply came in. “Hey, time buddy, what’s up?” Gabbro had never been one for observing proper radio communication procedure. Which was great because it was kind of annoying anyway.
“I’m on Brittle Hollow. I don’t have enough fuel for take off and thus also not enough to get back to Timber Hearth so I’m kinda stuck. Any chance you can come by and help me out?”
“And you’re radioing me instead of Hornfels ‘cause you’re embarrassed about running out of fuel.” A statement, not a question. They knew Auri well.
“Maybe.”
Gabbro chuckled. “All right. I just got done refueling so I got more than enough to help out. I won’t tell anyone either.”
“Thank you! Thank you! What would I ever do without you?”
“Probably you’d call Hornfels and they’d give you a lecture because they don’t understand. I do though so you’re spared a little bit of embarrassment and frustration. I’ll be there soon as I can.”
[A/N] I only did drabbles for the event this year but I still got 2 somethings for every day. I also filled all four prompts for every day, go me.
~
“This is the third thing you’ve broken in the past month,” Slate said as Gabbro placed the supposedly broken Little Scout on their work table. They didn’t even need to take a close look at it to know the ‘break’ was more of a disassembly; Gabbro had taken it apart on purpose.
They shrugged before settling into the chair on that side of the table and leaning back further than was probably wise. “Oh you know me, so clumsy.”
Slate studied them. What was their game here? Clearly they were after something but what? As always, their return gaze was casual as it was inscrutable. “Why don’t you fix it yourself? You’re perfectly capable.” They’re the one who’d disassembled it after all and even if they liked to play dumb sometimes, everyone knew they weren’t. Slate had seen their Quantum Theory and the maths they’d done supporting it, they were more than capable of reassembling their own gear.
“Yeah, but you’re better at it.”
After a few more seconds of a pointless staring contest that gave no new information, Slate settled down to start reassembling the Scout. They didn’t mind necessarily. Gabbro didn’t do this often enough to be properly annoying and it gave them a break to work on something simple that they could finish in a single sitting, giving the satisfaction of having completed a project. And Gabbro’s company throughout wasn’t necessarily a problem either, they were one of few people who could hang out in a room with someone else without feeling the need to fill the air with incessant chatter. But it was weird. They were after something and Slate couldn’t figure out what.
If they were going to get anywhere with Gabbro about it, they’d have to ask, huh? Which was well… no thanks. They’d figure it out eventually… probably. Or maybe Gabbro would be the one to get annoyed with them for not asking – assuming they wanted Slate to ask which they had to, right? – and broach the subject instead. They could outlast Gabbro in a test of patience. Until then Slate would just keep fixing whatever ‘broken’ thing they brought in.
They'd Surely Hate Him if They Knew: Chapter 4/5: New Personality Trait Unlocked
Chapter One
Previous Chapter
~
The switch was hidden on the left side – relative to viewing it from the direction of the hall’s entrance – of the broken pillar so if Siffrin had tried to look for it by themself they’d likely have missed it. As it was, Isa found it and after gathering everyone around the pillar flipped it. In response, a massive boulder fell from the ceiling. Being under that would’ve been unpleasant.
They checked the rest of the pillars, just in case, but found nothing and thus soon moved on. From there the House opened up. In terms of the size and function of the rooms anyway as the big door leading further in was locked. There were more Sadnesses too, in the main room as well as the side halls, meaning more combat.
This time the battle strategy detour was solely for Siffrin and thus was blessedly much more in depth. They taught him the basics of combat in general as well as Craft which proved to be easier in practice than the explanation had made it seem. Muscle memory was helping a little even if it couldn’t carry him entirely. With some practice and purposeful observation of Odile’s ‘slow down’ spell he even figured out how to speed everyone up too, pretty cool.
The search for the keys and the lookout for more traps was a group effort. Supposedly it was usually entrusted mostly to Siffrin because they’d apparently been good at it. Traps, keys, and puns had been their specialties; good to know. Everyone needing to look presumably slowed things down especially when coupled with the the extra combat practice. No one complained though so while it wasn’t good Siffrin had slowed everything down with their incompetence, it at least didn’t seem to be a terribly time sensitive matter so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.
Several items as they searched and went through the various rooms sparked conversations amongst the group. Siffrin didn’t have much to contribute so they mostly just listened to everyone else until someone addressed them directly. It was pleasant and they occasionally caught a new bit of information about the world and/or someone in the group. Was such silent observation normal for them? No one commented on it but no one was expecting normal behavior from him anymore so who could say?
Eventually they found the key that allowed them to go through the big doors that led further in. On the other side of which was a large Sadness. Supposedly they’d gone against such Sadnesses before but they were rare. The fight was long but not particularly difficult, mostly it an endurance test. On the other side of it, Siffrin felt significantly more like they knew what they were doing in combat.
Also on the other side of it was what seemed to be a safe room. The conversation prompted from that realization lead into the decision to settle down for a snack break. Of which Bonnie was apparently the leader of. Not surprising information at this point, but nice to know nonetheless and good for them.
“Siffrin,” Odile said as they all settled down to wait for Bonnie to finish preparing the snacks, “heads or tails?”
“Huh?”
“I’m going to flip a coin,” she held up a coin where they could see it. “They’re known for having two sides, heads and tails.” She turned it, showing each side. “In the interest of making sure you feel included in our conversation I’ve chosen you to be the one to make a call on what side it’s going to land on. You win if you guess correctly, I win if you’re wrong. It’s a low stakes bet, basically. So, heads or tails?”
“Oh.” Being purposefully included was nice and she’d patiently explained what she was doing. The memory loss really was okay with everyone, huh? “Uh… heads then.”
She placed the coin on her closed fist and flipped it into the air with her thumb. It went round several times before landing on the stone floor with a soft clatter. She leaned over to look at it for a moment. “Hmm… interesting. Looks like you win, congrats.” She picked it up and pocketed it once more.
“Ooh, what do they win, M’dame?” Isa asked.
Before she could answer, Siffrin cut in with, “Can my prize be an explanation about something?” They were feeling almost steady now and thus ready for more information even if it wasn’t something they necessarily needed.
“I told you to ask if you feel like you need to know something. But I guess I should officially change that to ‘ask if you want to know something’ since you were apparently fine with coming in here knowing absolutely nothing. But sure, your prize can be an explanation. What do you want to know?”
“What’s the deal with the King exactly? And why is it us specifically who are on this quest to kill him? Basically how did we get here?”
On the other side of the circle Mira gasped. “I can’t believe we forgot to explain that. That’s like super important. It’s why we’re here. Why didn’t you ask before now?”
They shrugged. “I don’t really need to know. Just going along with you guys is fine but I am curious.” Mostly about how they all got here as a group but the King seemed potentially interesting too.
“Okay, okay. Um… I should start from the beginning, I guess. It’s kind of my quest after all.”
Mira went on to explain the King, his attack on the House, and how that led to her quest. After an interruption from Bonnie to dole out snacks, she continued as they ate, giving an overview of how they apparently all joined her one at a time as she encountered them in on her journey to collect the Orbs. Which ultimately led them all being here at the end of it.
It brought the question of what were they going to do after? They’d all been doing their own things before and living their own lives. So with the quest done, the country saved, would they all separate and go back to that? Siffrin almost asked – it was technically something he needed to know, right? How else could he know what he was supposed to do after they killed the King? – but… the break had already dragged on long enough. Maybe later.
~
The second floor was much like the first. One big room in the center, the door leading further in locked, with two hallways to the left and right with more rooms. There were more Sadnesses too, different than the ones downstairs, stronger. The more Siffrin fought, the more comfortable he grew in battle though. Probably he wouldn’t be as competent as he’d been before but hopefully by the time they reached the King, he’d be able to hold his own in the fight well enough to not be hindrance.
He continued to follow and listen, doing his best to help with the search. Now that Odile had specifically stated she’d intentionally included him in conversation, it was hard not to notice that the others did so occasionally too. Not much or often, never pressing for anything, but enough to be noticeable as intentional now that he was looking for it. They wanted him to feel included. Which meant he was welcome to include himself too, right? Especially since Odile had amended her command for him to ask if he wanted to know something. Where to start though? There was a lot he wanted to know about himself, his friends, and the world at large.
The garden room was small and cramped but everyone seemed to make a point to give Siffrin space while searching for anything interesting and/or useful. Which brought to mind Isa’s earlier comment about them not liking to be touched. And before that, when Odile had asked Mira to check them for a fever, they’d gotten the impression that being touched was expected to unpleasant for them. But it hadn’t been, they’d quite liked the feel of her hand on their forehead. What was that about? That probably wasn’t a good question to jump straight into but they could build up to it maybe?
“Is it normal for me to not say much?” A good starting point as they were already fairly certain of the answer but proper confirmation couldn’t hurt. And a more firm idea of just how quiet they usually were would be welcome.
Everyone turning to look at him wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier but it still made them squirm a little. It was Isa who answered. “Yeah, you’re normally pretty quiet, especially in group settings. But feel free to speak up whenever you have stuff you want to say. We’d love to hear your voice more.”
Mira turned away from the sad dying plant on the table she’d been frowning at to smile at them. “Yeah. We would love it if you talked more. And I know we already told you this earlier but just to make sure you haven’t forgotten, don’t feel like you have to be exactly like you were before. Especially since…” her smiled faltered a little, “we now know you probably weren’t feeling great about yourself. So talk as much as you want to, okay?”
“I want to be like how I was before.”
Bonnie squinted up at them as if mildly perplexed. “Why? I mean uh, you don’t like yourself, right? And Dile said that that’s not new. So why would you want to be the same when you could be different and like yourself more instead?”
“That’s… a good question.” And a contradiction Siffrin hadn’t known they’d been holding within themself. They’d been searching for their old normal from the very beginning while also completely certain they weren’t a good person now and hadn’t been before either. “I guess uh… I just don’t know how to exist as a person. But I probably knew how to before, right? It’s part of what I forgot. So if I could figure out how I was before, I would know again. And just in general, maybe if I can piece together enough things about my past, I’ll make sense to myself.” And maybe then everything else would be less confusing too.
Bonnie frowned. “That doesn’t make sense. You exist as a person by just… existing and being a person.”
How did Siffrin explain this to a kid when they didn’t even fully understand it themself? “I don’t feel like a real person though. Like all the pieces that stacked together to make me… me have been scattered and now I’m just… lost. We’re shaped by our pasts, right? But I don’t really feel like I have one anymore even though I know I do. I still feel things and know things from before but I don’t remember why or how any of it connects. So… where does that leave me? I’m missing an important part of myself.”
“I understand,” Odile said, drawing his gaze over to where she stood by the cabinet. “I can even relate in a way. I wish I could offer some real advice on how to handle it but I don’t think you should push too hard for being exactly how you were before. I’m not sure that that’s even possible unless your memories come back. Which isn’t impossible but I don’t think it’s likely.”
“You’re a real person,” Mira said, “even if you don’t feel like one yet. So be kind and patient with yourself.”
“Feel free to ask questions about yourself if it’ll help,” Isa added. “But M’dame’s probably right, you shouldn’t push too hard for being exactly how you were before. Be yourself as you are now, that’s allowed to change and you’re allowed to take your time figuring out what that means, okay?”
They were being so nice and understanding, leaving Siffrin unbalanced still. Why had he been so sure they would hate him? What kind of monster thought their friends would be so cruel? … But if questions were not only allowed but now being encouraged… “Where am I from?” Where had that question come from? They hadn’t actively been thinking about it and the name wasn’t likely to mean anything to them but now that it had come to them, it made sense to ask, right? Where someone came from was important. It was the basic starting blocks of who someone was. If they had a place name they could look more into it later. They could even go there and learn more about themself through seeing it.
Everyone exchanged a brief glance before Odile answered. “We don’t know. You never told anyone.”
“You also never talked about your family or any of your other friends or uh…” Isa paused, grimacing as he looked away, “really many personal details about your past in general. So we unfortunately can’t help you with that either.”
“We know you traveled a lot and went to a bunch of different places,” Bonnie said. “But that’s really it, I think. You didn’t like to talk ‘bout yourself.”
“You were kind of mysterious,” Mira said as she fidgeted with her hands. “Which was cool but um… now it’s unfortunate, huh? Sorry.”
Each new non-reveal was like a slap to the face. Things they would never know about themself again. All their own fault too for being awful and then accidentally giving themself amnesia about it. They were an idiot. “So uh… I guess I won’t be putting those pieces back together anytime soon then.” Or ever. This was their life now. What all had they lost? Basically everything, right? … Everything except these four people. And even there he’d lost everything they’d done together before today. What would that leave him at the end of this quest? … Time to change the subject and think about anything other than the answer to that question.
Everyone was watching them with worry and pity. Not good. They shouldn’t be making everyone feel bad just because they did. It was selfish. Change the subject! Distract everyone, including and especially themself! “Can I ask one more question before we continue?”
“Just one more,” Odile replied, “because we should indeed continue soon.”
“Okay. Is it true that I don’t like to be touched?” A totally different subject and the question that had prompted them to initiate a group interaction.
A brief pause as everyone exchanged another look, probably figuring out who should answer. In this case, it turned out to be Mira. “Now that I think about it, we never talked about it with you but we’re pretty sure you don’t.”
Not surprising but it still made their chest hurt. “Oh. Okay.” Time to move on because whatever caused that feeling wasn’t something they had the time or desire to unpack right now. Maybe asking questions about themself was a bad idea after all, so far it had mostly been making them feel various kinds of not good. Before they could start for the exit though…
“You sound disappointed.” Odile was frowning at them the way she had when they’d been acting weird. So the question was weird and so was their answer. Oops. Doubly, super time to move on then.
“I um… I don’t know. I guess… maybe a little. But you guys would know better than I do so… we should continue.”
“No, no, no,” Mira said as she stepped to block his way. “I think it’s time for us to ask you a question. We probably should’ve asked before to make sure but better late than never. Do you,” she pointed at them, “not like to be touched?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I…” They cut off with a squeak and a flinch as Isa’s hand landed on their shoulder.
He immediately pulled back, renewing that strange ache in Siffrin’s chest. Cringing and pulling his hands in, he took a step back. “Sorry, sorry. I just figured that… we were talking about it so…”
“It’s fine. I didn’t dislike it.” They disliked more that he pulled away too quickly to give them a chance to be anything other than surprised by it.
“But you flinched.”
“And squeaked,” Bonnie added, “kinda like a mouse.”
Wow, embarrassing. Siffrin needed to not be having this conversation anymore. On the other hand though they hadn’t disliked it. And being honest about the amnesia had turned out fine somehow so… maybe this would too? “Yeah but… it was just… I didn’t dislike it.”
“I’m confused,” Mira said. “If you didn’t dislike it, why’d you jump like that?”
“I don’t know. I’m confused too.”
“Ooh, ooh, I know.” Jumping slightly, Bonnie raised their hand. Mira stepped back to let them stand in front of Siffrin. “You don’t dislike it, you just want to know when it’s coming, probably, right? That’s how… I know people like that. You can’t just touch them outta nowhere, you gotta ask or like… let them know somehow that you’re gonna touch them. Like this; I’m gonna poke you.” They stepped forward and lifted a finger, holding it up high to ensure Siffrin saw it before poking it into his chest. He still flinched a little but not nearly as much and he didn’t yelp. “Better?”
Their holding it there was slightly uncomfortable but not necessarily bad. He didn’t feel the need to pull away. “Uh… yeah, better.”
With a triumphant grin, Bonnie stepped back. “Finally I knew something you guys didn’t.”
“Looks like you did, good job.” Isa smiled at them before his gaze back onto Siffrin. “Okay, with that new information, let’s try this again.” He raised his hand towards their shoulder again, “I’m going to touch you, is that okay?”
“Uh, yes?”
Gently, he placed his hand down. Siffrin tensed in anticipation, enough to stop an instinctive flinch. Once it was firmly in place though, they let themself relax. Through the cloak, they couldn’t feel much other than its weight but that was… pleasant? Yes, pleasant was the right word. Isa’s hand on their shoulder was pleasant.
“All good?” he asked, his expression hopeful.
They nodded and smiled, a genuine one this time, go them. “All good.” But if this wasn’t part of their normal from before maybe they shouldn’t encourage it? Except they’d just established that normal would be forever unattainable so what did it matter anyway if it was nice?
“Ooh, can I?” Her eyes sparkling, Mira raised one of her hand towards Siffrin’s other shoulder. At his nod, she placed it down. It was smaller than Isa’s, making it weight less noticeable but it was still pleasant. “All good?”
They nodded again. “All good.” It was a little embarrassing though, making their face warm as they looked down at the floor.
“You wanna touch Sif too M’dame,” Isa asked, prompting Siffrin to look back up at Odile.
She was watching them with her arms crossed, expression unreadable. “Hmm… perhaps later. I for one can confirm I’m not big on touch. It’s fine sometimes but only sometimes. But if this answers the one more question, we should probably get a move on. We can return to questions and petting Siffrin more later.”
~
Also like the first floor, there were locked doors aplenty, requiring a group effort to find the keys for due to Siffrin’s memory loss continuing to make him unreliable. Still no one complained and upon finally asking about it, Odile admitted, “It’s not ideal but it also can’t be helped so don’t worry about it too much.”
Siffrin wasn’t worrying about it too much. They were worrying about it a normal amount. But at least even though they’d failed the group it was only slowing them and not getting anyone killed or injured as could’ve easily been the case. They did their best to be as useful and attentive as possible to make up for it.
Despite that best effort he still would’ve missed things if he had been in charge. He never would’ve thought to check the underside of the drawer of the Head Housemaiden’s desk the way Odile did, barely saving them from disaster once the rock fell, blocking the way back in after exiting. And Bonnie found a key in a notebook he’d distinctly decided not to touch because it said ‘Don’t Touch’ on the cover. In the lead the decision on which wall of Tears to use their one Star Crest on fell to Mira. Luckily she got it right but would Siffrin have? Probably none of that stuff was worth speculating on but knowing if things had gone as they were supposed, they would’ve been in the lead and in charge of keys, traps, and such decisions made it hard not to at least consider. There was a good chance they would’ve messed it up.
Once finally on the other side of the big doors, they encountered not one but two large Sadnesses this time. Not particularly surprising after the first but also scary. Just like the first though, they ultimately won in the end as everyone else picked up Siffrin’s slack. They were competent like that.
Blessedly on the other side was another safe room and thus another snack break was in order. This time the conversation took a dour turn rather quickly as soon as Bonnie was no longer confirmed to be listening. The thought of any of them dying still made Siffrin feel ill. If only he was strong enough to protect them but he wasn’t, he was the weakest link other than Bonnie who didn’t count because they were a kid.
Naturally of course the question eventually came around to him with Isa’s, “And Sif, I know you really don’t remember stuff and hopefully it won’t happen but… just to cover all our bases, you got an idea what you would like?”
They shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t care.” They didn’t remember being conscious for long enough to feel particularly attached to the idea of remaining that way so what happened to their body afterwards didn’t matter. Except that didn’t make sense, did it? They remembered their friends for about as long and were very attached to them. Was that normal? “Actually uh… I got a question. Is it normal to not feel bothered by the thought of dying?”
That got them worried looks. Was that a bad thing to ask? Should they not have? But they’d been told and encouraged to ask questions.
It was Isa who answered. “That depends on what exactly you mean, I think? Like, are you at peace with the idea, you’re not afraid to if it happens, or is it… something else?”
“Um… I’m not sure. The thought of any of you dying makes me feel ill but when thinking about my own possible death it just feels kinda like… it wouldn’t matter. Is that normal or is there something wrong with me?”
“Not normal,” Odile said, prompting them to turn their head to look at her. She was frowning. The same ‘that’s weird’ look they could recognize fairly well by now. “Or, I suppose there are plenty of folks who do feel that way, making it normal in a sense, but it’s not good to.”
“Yes.” Sitting across from Siffrin, Mira was giving them a similar look. “We don’t want you to feel that way. It would matter if you got hurt or died.”
“All right, another thing that’s wrong with me, good to know. I uh… don’t think knowing that fixes it. So maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. Oops.” All he’d done was upset them.
“No, no,” Isa said. “It’s good you brought it up. Talking about that kind of stuff is what you’re supposed to do. It won’t fix it by itself but it can help. We’re here for you.”
It had upset everyone though so wouldn’t it have been better to not talk about it to avoid that? And it wasn’t like Siffrin actively wanted to die or anything, he just wasn’t bothered by the idea of it beyond it making them sad. Was that really so bad? Which was why’d he’d asked; it hadn’t seemed that bad, just a strange counterpoint to how the thought of everyone else’s death made him feel. Prior him probably would’ve known better than to bring it up. But at least it was one more thing to add to the list of things he knew about himself. That list had a lot of bad stuff on it.
“You don’t even remember most of this quest,” Mira said. “So… you don’t have to come all the way to the King with us if you don’t want to.”
“I want to.” Dragging them down by being weak and stupid was bad but he wanted to be there for them. “I would die for you guys. I’ll try not to,” because it would make them sad, “but I would and will if I have to.” Saying that was maybe out of character and possibly even another something he shouldn’t say out loud because it was upsetting but he’d already upset everyone anyway so what was a little bit more? It was true. And this was all he had. His whole life was the last day of this quest and afterwards, if he survived it, he would have nothing. So why not say it? Being the mentally unwell amnesiac freak was apparently who he was now after all. New personality trait unlocked. He was one step closer to being a real person again.
“If we’re being vulnerable anyway,” Odile said, “I would do almost anything for you people. However, let’s all agree to try not to die in general or for each other, okay? No self-sacrificial nonsense.” She was looking directly at Siffrin which was fair given everything they’d said during this conversation.
He ducked his head away from her gaze. “I’ll be good.” Since spilling his wretched lies and somehow not being hated for them, that’s all he’d been trying to do already anyway.
“I would also do anything for you guys but I promise, no self-sacrificial nonsense from me,” Isa said, holding a hand on his heart.
“Me too,” Mira agreed. “I think I’m close to figuring out a stronger healing Craft and we got plenty of tonics and Crafted Waters. And Siffrin reminded me of something that helped me figure out how to Craft a good shield yesterday before the whole… kiss leading to them getting amnesia incident. Which um… I still have a question about but now’s not the time. So I don’t think it’ll be easy but I do think we’ll be okay.”
“And we have one more floor to go,” Odile said, “room to pick up more supplies and prepare a little more. So I am also feeling fairly confident.”
“Good.” Bonnie was back, standing close enough that they’d had to have heard at least some of that conversation. How much of it? Hopefully just the end part. “Cause it’s snack time.”
~
The mirror was large and eye catching. Seemingly this room was solely to house it. Siffrin hurried closer, passing Mira and Isa, resulting in him reaching it first.
Their was face was… just as unfamiliar as everyone else’s had been upon first waking up. They pulled their hat off and pushed their hair out of their face to get a better look at it. Taking the eye patch off too revealed the eye was still there underneath it, just inert and slightly clouded over. The scar over it held it half closed. Their hair was interesting though, bright but quickly fading into dark halfway down. Dyed and then left to grow out probably.
The rest of the group came to halt a short distance behind him, Mira’s hand on Bonnie’s shoulder keeping them back. They were apparently giving Siffrin a moment to study his face. Which reinforced the idea that he should feel something when looking at it, right? But he didn’t. Or he did but… it wasn’t a feeling of familiarity. What kind of person forgot what their own face looked like?
He put on a smile. Did it look natural? … No, not really. He let it fall and tried again, purposefully moving his face differently this time. That was better. He tried a few more expressions, trying to make them look natural. It was important he know how to move his face so he could hide under it if he ever needed to. … How much was the feeling related to the amnesia versus just how he’d always been? Lying and pretending to be fine had come so naturally after all, it couldn’t have possibly been new, right? They were just like that.
They took a deep breath, in and out, before putting the hat and eye patch back on. The others apparently took this as a queue to finish their approach for their own closer look at the mirror.
“So what do you think of your face?” Mira asked as she came up besides them.
Not breaking eye contact with the mirror, Siffrin shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“I guess you would’ve forgotten what your face looks like too, huh?” Bonnie said. “That’s… kinda sad, actually.”
Hovering over their shoulder, Odile frowned and looked away. “I can’t imagine what that must be like.”
Siffrin could only shrug again. … Actually there was a joke opportunity here. “You could even say it’s… tear-ibly sad, huh?”
Odile gave them a stern glare through the mirror. “Do not start that again.”
“Sorry Sif,” Isa said, “but you need to face the facts, that pun has run its course.”
“Upon further reflection, I agree. Trying to mirror that incident was unwise.” They’d messed it up and pushed too hard earlier but it did feel good to come back around to this. Making jokes with Isa made them happy.
Bonnie groaned. “Why couldn’t you have also forgotten how to make bad jokes?”
“I think I did because so far all the jokes I’ve made have been pretty punny. Sorry Bonbon, but wordplay is fun.”
Mira sighed. “I’m glad you’re having fun. Please don’t take us complaining as us telling you to stop.”
“Thanks. … I have another question though.” The longer he stared at himself and everyone else in the mirror the more obvious how visually different they all were became. Not that he hadn’t noticed before but adding a visual representation of himself to the picture made it even harder not to actively notice. “Where’s everyone from?”
“Jouvente. It’s down south-west of here.”
“Bambouche. It’s like north, I think.”
“Dormont. Which is where we are right now. I actually lived in this House before the King attacked. We’ll uh… probably stop by my room sometime soon.”
“Ka Bue. It’s a whole different country and on the other side of the world.”
Siffrin nodded as if any of those names meant anything to him. He could look into them more later though so they were nice to have no matter what. But everyone would probably want to go back to their various homes after this quest was done, right? What else could they possibly do? They all had their own things they needed to get back to once the country was saved. Siffrin had presumably once had something to go back to too but what? … He couldn’t remember so might as well have nothing, right?
In the mirror his face had fallen, giving away his less than happy train of thought. Oops. He put a smile back on. Such felt natural to do and it maybe even looked real.
With a telegraphed motion, Isa planted on a gentle hand on their shoulder. They flinched a little but knowing it was coming did help. And if Isa noticed he didn’t pull away this time. “You okay?” Apparently he wasn’t fooled
“I’m fine.”
No one except for Bonnie who might’ve missed it anyway, looked convinced. After a beat of silence, Isa removed his hand and took a step closer to the mirror. “Well if you’re sure uh… The mirror, if it’s what I think it is then…” He ran a hand along its side. “Ah!” Apparently he found whatever he’d been looking for as he stepped back.
A second or so later, a flash of light filled the room. “Tada.” Isa held something up where they could all see. A picture of all of them standing in the mirror. Presumably there was Craft magic at play here.
After some discussion, the picture was ultimately entrusted to Siffrin. The large pockets in their cloak made sense for that but still it seemed to be an awfully sentimental thing to trust the known amnesiac with. He wasn’t going to complain though, he wanted it after all. And upon turning around, he was the one to spot an almost missed key this time so he wasn’t completely useless, just unreliable.
~
“Three ways to go and only one Star Crest,” Mira said as they huddled in the central room. She held said Star Crest in her hands where everyone could see it. Scouring the floor for more had yielded only the one.
“So which way do we go?” Bonnie asked.
“We got a two third’s chance of being wrong,” Isa said.
“There’s no guarantee any of the paths have anything useful behind them either,” Odile added. “We don’t even know what we’re looking for.”
Something sharp and strong enough to break through the hair blocking the way forward. Siffrin, naturally, had no ideas especially since Bonnie’s idea of stealing his dagger to test against it had already failed. There had to be something somewhere though, right? Or was this a doomed quest?
Mira squirmed, fidgeting with the Crest. “I guess we just have to chose one and hope for the best, right? And as the leader that’s… up to me. … Yay.”
“I trust you to make the right choice.” Isa gave her a smile that was filled with an impressive amount of optimism. … Was he faking and just good at it or genuinely that optimistic?
Mira closed her eyes and took a step back, breaking their circle. “To the left and then the other left path further down that way is… something… maybe. I don’t know if it’ll help.”
Odile stepped back too. “If it even might, that’s probably out best bet.”
“All right. Let’s go then.” And with that, Mira took the lead once more.
~
The privacy of a bathroom stall was the perfect place to dig through their pockets for forgotten treasures. First a quick review of their non-forgotten treasures. Bell pendant; a peace offering from Mira because she’d thought they were mad at her. They would treasure it forever. A poem they’d picked up off the library floor on a whim that they still weren’t sure how they felt about but it had been there for the taking so why not? Also the card they’d drawn from the closest in whatever room and floor that had been in – why hadn’t they picked up the whole deck? Their most recent acquisition was the chain. Wait, maybe they could use that with the bell pendant? … Nope, it was too big to thread through. Just one more thing in their life that didn’t go right but at least their memories didn’t extend far enough back for that to be a terribly long list yet. Then there was the mirror picture, no one but Isa had known the picture was being taken, making for a candid moment. Siffrin’s fake smile was still on and everyone knew it was fake. … Moving on to the stuff that they were digging through their pockets for in the first place.
First was the coin they’d discovered earlier and had been messing with on and off since. Silver, shiny, and satisfying to play with… it was important. How and why were a mystery but it felt significant as they looked at it. Next was a four-pointed leaf. Nothing special but interesting shape. And then finally there was the piece of paper, the real mystery. Perhaps they’d written something important down that would solve all their problems or at least give them something new about themself. Pulling it out they unfolded it. … A child’s drawing of them and their friends. Not an answer to anything – in fact it only added another one; where/who had he gotten it from? – or helpful but it was cute.
He’d really loved these people before and he still did now. They loved him too, Mira had said and no one had contradicted her so it must be true on some level at least. It was just too bad Siffrin wouldn’t remember anything of their time together other than this last day. They would all go home after this. He could avoid thinking about it all he wanted but it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. Everyone had been pulled away from their lives to join this quest and would want to go back. Which left Siffrin where?
He had nothing to do, nowhere to go. According to Mira’s tale, he’d been traveling alone before and if he’d had a destination in mind, he hadn’t shared it with anyone. Leaving him high and dry now. All his own fault too. His friends may not hate him for it but it sure did make him hate himself. And then there was whatever ingrained thought process had led him to believing so strongly that they’d hate him for that. He was a bad person for that alone but he’d also lied to them with the full intent of continuing to do so forever. They were good people who deserved better.
So after this, he wasn’t going to make a fuss and force any of them to let him follow them around like a lost dog. Maybe if he wandered around on his own for long enough he’d find where he’d been heading to initially or maybe even where he’d come from. … If he did though, what were the chances he’d recognize either as such? Probably not good. What else could he do though?
With a sigh, he folded the drawing back up and put it in his pocket with everything else. He took a deep breath, in and out, steadying himself before putting on a smile – one that was hopefully good enough to fool the others – and exited the stall.
~
Judging based off the others’ reactions getting supernatural help from presumably the Change God wasn’t normal in general or for their group. Siffrin likely wouldn’t have minded if not for the fact that he was the one put in charge of the KeyKnife. He shouldn’t be in charge of anything. An attempt to give it to Mira was denied with, “They probably gave it to you for a reason. And it’s not like you don’t know what to do with it, right?”
It’s intended use was indeed obvious so they obediently followed her and Isa up to the blocked door. Upon use it cut through the hair, clearing the doorway enough to allow passage through it, but broke in the process of doing so. Unfortunate in one sense as it likely could’ve been good to use against the King but also it absolved them of any further responsibility carrying a gift from a god they knew almost nothing about might’ve saddled them with.
On the other side was another large Sadness. Probably the strongest one yet but ultimately they still took it down without too much of an issue. Past that though was unfortunately something that was an issue; Mira’s roommate frozen in time. Ultimately resulting in Mira needing a big group discussion to help her feel better.
After how lovely and kind she’d been way back at the start of the House, Siffrin did his best to return the favor. It seemed to help. He’d finally done something right. Now all that was left to do was to kill the King and hopefully not die in the process. If he did though, it really wouldn’t be an issue.
They'd Surely Hate Him if They Knew Chapter 3/5: The Weirdest Thing Anyone's Ever Done
Chapter one
Previous Chapter
~
Mirabelle slowed to a stop a short distance into the new hall. Looking past her there was… nothing. Just an empty hall. But still she stood there, looking around for several long seconds before turning back towards the group. “This is the Death Corridor.” She spoke a whisper as she wrung her hands together. “I think. If I remember correctly anyway. It might be a different hallway but I’m pretty sure it’s this one.”
“And what does that mean exactly?” Isabeau asked.
Siffrin stepped to the side so the two of them could more easily talk.
“It means this room is probably trapped unless whoever is in charge of setting the trap got frozen before they could.”
“We shouldn’t count on that,” Madame Odile said. “Which means it’s time for our resident trap expert to stop sulking and do his part.” For some reason she was looking at Siffrin as she said this and then so was everyone else.
“Yep. Time for you to do your part Frin,” Boniface said, imitating her serious tone.
“We’ll stay out of your way. You got this!” Isabeau gave him a smile and a thumbs up before stepping back. Mirabelle followed suit. She looked like she might’ve wanted to say something but didn’t.
Apparently Siffrin was a trap expert. Who could’ve possibly guessed? Certainly not them. They’d had no idea. They were learning so many things about themself. This was still good information to have but… this wasn’t just a fact about their prior self but an expectation being placed upon them. A thing they were supposed to know how to do.
Holding in a groan, they stepped forward and to the side so that they were centered shortly before the first two pillars before turning their gaze deeper into the hall. It was a hallway. About as long as the one leading to the prior room. No Sadnesses. Pillars, some in more disrepair than others, sat evenly spaced and perpendicular to each other all the way to the end. Nothing about any of it stood out as odd or out of place. Not that they even knew with much accuracy what ‘odd’ or ‘out of place’ would’ve looked like.
They didn’t consciously know what vision through more than one eye was like but surely having only one was doing the opposite of helping here. What were they looking for? Traps, yes, but what did a trap look like? They were supposed to hard to spot otherwise what be the point of setting one? … Muscle memory couldn’t help them much, could it? It would take knowledge of what to look for and how to safely disarm it. Both areas of knowledge they could no longer actively call on. Possibly if confronted with a trap directly the part of them that just knew things would be able to figure out how to safely handle it but they’d have to spot it first before testing that idea. Which they were trying to do now but nothing stood out as even maybe trap-like. Because there wasn’t a trap or because they just weren’t seeing it?
Walking forward until he triggered it and then just trying to survive whatever came at him was an option. A tempting one but… what if he missed it and one of the others triggered it instead? Or even if he was the one who triggered it, one or more of them might get caught in it too. They wouldn’t even think to be prepared to dodge it because they trusted him to deal with it. And this hall was apparently called ‘the Death Corridor’ too, meaning the trap was supposed to kill thus one or possibly all four of them could die a result of it being triggered.
That thought made Siffrin’s insides clench and nausea rise up in his throat. Any one of them dying because of he failed to do his job would be far, far worse than any of his other crimes. All four was literally the worst possible thing he could imagine.
Maybe he could send them out and wander around until the trap triggered, guaranteeing that he be the only one hit by it. He’d probably die. … Not a particularly distressing thought as it would at least mean he didn’t need to worry about keeping up his lies anymore or being caught in them and hated as a result, but still not ideal. It would make the others sad and Boniface was a kid, meaning whatever kind of corpse the trap left behind would be particularly bad for them to see. Avoiding traumatizing them and the rest of the group was second to keeping them all alive but still important. That left Siffrin with only one real option though, didn’t it? Bad but better they all hate his disgusting lying guts for eternity than he let even one of them die because he forgot how to do his job.
Seems then that they’d dug their hole of lies as deep as it could go. It was all about to come toppling in to bury them alive. They would probably have to come all the way clean too as only forgetting how to deal with traps didn’t make much sense. There’d be questions and poking and prodding for what happened and why, ultimately resulting in the rest being figured out too. Maybe they could pretend to have been lying about being a trap expert before? … No. Chances were they’d demonstrated that mastery at least once, probably multiple times if they’d really been adventuring together for a while, so that lie would almost certainly be caught immediately and then they’d have to admit to the truth anyway.
It really shouldn’t matter that much if everyone hated him, right? He’d consciously known them less than a full day by now. … It did matter though. The thought of them hating him hurt. All his feelings from before, negative and positive, still stuck around after all. But better to lose his friends to admitting to being a disgusting awful liar of a person than to let those disgusting awful lies lead to any of their deaths. Maybe having lost his memories would make getting over them leaving him easier. He could only hope, right?
He took a deep breath in and out before turning to face them. Everyone but Boniface who was looking disinterestedly at a wall was watching him. Perhaps they already knew and had put him in this situation to force him to admit it. … No, they weren’t awful people like him. He’d been lying and manipulating them, not the other way around.
“Usually you walk around a bit more when looking for traps,” Isabeau said. That probably made sense as that would allow for a better look of everything in the room. One would have to be careful not to trip the trap while doing so though.
Siffrin put his hands in his pockets on the inside of the cloak. He grasped the bell pendant, running his thumb over it. His other pocket had what felt like a folded piece of paper in it that he would have to look at later when he got a chance and a coin. Or something coin shaped as the gloves made it hard to tell the material it was made of. He rolled it between his thumb and index finger. … Say something, idiot! Standing here and fidgeting with stuff in his pockets wasn’t helping.
“Something is wrong then.” Mirabelle’s tone made it a statement, not a question. “What is it? You can tell us.”
“Is now really the time?” Madame Odile asked. A fair question given the fact that Siffrin was supposed to be looking for and disarming a trap right now. Alas, that’s what made it the time.
Letting go of the coin, Siffrin reached up grasp the brim of their hat instead. Pulling it down, they titled their gaze to the floor, hiding their face and the view of their soon to be ex-friends. They took one more deep breath, in and out, before speaking as levelly as they could muster. “Remember outside when it was mentioned that I forget things a lot?” It was easier than forcing humor but they still heard and felt a tremor in their words.
Boniface gasped loud enough to draw his gaze up to them as they turned to face him now too. “Are you saying you forgot how to do trap stuff?”
He set his gaze firmly back on the ground. No looking at their faces, that made it harder to speak. “Have I ever forgotten everything before?” Maybe if this wasn’t the first time they’d only be mad at him for lying about it and not hate him as much for the forgetting part.
It was Isabeau who answered. “As far as we know, no, you haven’t forgotten everything before. But um…”
“Are you saying you’ve forgotten everything now?” Madame Odile finished.
There was no going back. Time to admit to being an awful person. “I uh… yes. I passed out yesterday after kissing Isabeau and now I don’t remember anything. My first active memory is waking up and being confused and not knowing anything. I didn’t even know my name until you guys called me by it. I’m sorry I forgot. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry.” Tears stung their eye, threatening to spill over. They didn’t let them. “And… and… the only reason I’m coming clean now is because you’re expecting me to disarm the trap but I can’t. I didn’t even know I was the trap person until two minutes ago when you told me. So you definitely shouldn’t trust me with traps or with anything in general because I’m a disgusting liar.”
There’d he’d said it. Come clean. Told the truth. Let his wretched hole of lies fill in with him at the bottom. They hated him now but at least they wouldn’t trigger a trap and die because he couldn’t find and disarm it. Hopefully they would be able to take care of it themselves now that they knew not to trust him. What if they couldn’t though? He’d failed them that badly and now the whole adventure was in danger because he was worthless idiot who couldn’t do anything right.
Boniface broke the silence with, “So you kissed Za, yesterday and now you don’t remember stuff?”
“Wait, hold on a second Bonbon,” Isabeau said, “I think we should be focusing on the second thing much more than the first.”
Maybe Siffrin shouldn’t have mentioned that part because it sort of dragged him into this too but if they were coming clean anyway they should come all the way clean, right? So… “They’re related.” They resisted the urge to look up at him or any of the others to see what kind of faces they might be making. In their pocket, they clutched the bell pendant, running their thumb around and around the bottom of it. “I only know about it because you told me but you said it was weird and awful and that I passed out right after. And I know you said it would’ve been fine if it was okay but… it wasn’t, it was weird and bad and my fault.So I must’ve decided I was going to pass out and forget it ever happened but oops, I forgot everything else too because I’m too stupid to do whatever I did right.” Except that was a lie because they probably hadn’t been the intended target of whatever they’d done. Before they could correct themself, Madame Odile spoke up.
“Since this is going to be a whole big conversation, can we not have it in the hall labeled the ‘Death Corridor’ please?”
“Yes,” Mirabelle said. “Let’s figure this out first and then we can worry about the trap. C’mon Siffrin, let’s head back to the prior room. It’s gonna be okay, all right?
He looked up at her as she opened the door and gestured for him to go through. She didn’t look mad. None of them did. Maybe they were all just better at keeping the lid on their emotions, containing them within themselves. They could easily be brewing with hate under the surface and were about to let him know about it in formal, controlled terms. He went through the door.
Everyone else followed. Running was technically an option, a tempting one. The front door had closed behind them though, what would the chances it would open back up to allow his escape? Probably not good. With that being the case, there wasn’t enough space to properly get away from facing the consequences of his lies. Better to just stand and take their disappointment and ire. He deserved it anyway.
They formed a loose circle in the center of the room. Naturally of course, as soon as they were settled they all turned to look at Siffrin. Unable to meet their gazes, he looked down at the floor once more. His hand in his pocket still held the bell pendant. He didn’t deserve it. Mirabelle had given it to him because she’d thought they were friends. He forced himself to let go and pull that hand out of his pocket, leaving his hands with nothing to do.
Mirabelle spoke first, her voice gentle and not mad. “Okay, Siffrin, it’s going to be okay.” How could this possibly ever be okay? “I promise we’ll figure this out. You’re going to be all right. We’re here for you and we want to help. Now, you say you don’t remember anything?”
“Nothing from before waking up yesterday.”
“So,” Isabeau said, his voice also gentle, “you didn’t just forget what happened immediately before you fainted but everything? The first thing you remember is waking up in the Clock Tower and us coming in worried about you?”
“Yes.” Because they were a horrible friend who’d made it even worse by lying about having forgotten everyone.
“Okay.” Mirabelle again, still sounding not mad. “And… just to make sure, this is why you’ve been acting weird all morning?”
“Yeah.”
A beat of silence… “Oh thank change. I thought it was because you were mad at me.” The rush of relief in her voice was enough to make them look up at her. She’d folded her hands front of herself, fidgeting with them. She flinched a little as she caught their gaze. “Or um, no… sorry, sorry. You having amnesia is worse than you being mad at me, of course. Much, much worse. But um, I’m still relieved you’re not. Unless you are now because I blurted that out in which case I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
Isabeau had seemed to think they might be mad too and Madame Odile had thought they had a ‘grievance’. “No, no, I’m not mad.” How could they possibly be mad at her? She hadn’t done anything wrong. They were the one being a bad friend. “Can I ask what I did to make you think that?” So they could avoid doing so again in the future. Though what were the chances they’d even have the opportunity to?
“Well, first you forgot you agreed to take the lead but I wasn’t sure if you actually forgot or were just pretending to so you didn’t have to actually ask me to take point instead. I thought maybe you were annoyed I didn’t pick up on that sooner. And when Madame Odile called on you when we were going over strategy you got weird and were obviously trying very hard to stop us from continuing that discussion. So I thought maybe you were even more annoyed with me for being anxious about the Sadness in the first place. And then you were clumsy when you attacked it and didn’t do much when we fought the other two. Also, you called me ‘Madame’, which I don’t think you’ve ever done before. You rarely ever even call me by my full name and then you went and added a ‘Madame’ to it too, which is like super formal, not like you at all. So I thought you were mad and upset with me and being passive aggressive about it. But I couldn’t just ask because… because… I didn’t want to call you out in front of everyone especially if I was wrong. You could’ve been mad about something else or at someone else or maybe you really were just that nervous about today. So um… I’m relieved you’re not mad.”
“Oh. No I just… didn’t want to lead ‘cause I don’t really know what we’re supposed to be doing. And uh… I was actually grateful for the strategy overview but I didn’t know the answer to Madame Odile’s question so I decided to annoy everyone into forgetting I’d even been asked a question. But I don’t remember how to pretend to be normal so I was very not normal about it. And I called you ‘Madame’ ‘cause I forgot I wasn’t supposed to. Sorry.”
“Well,” Madame Odile said, adjusting her glasses, “you did succeed in making us forget you’d been asked a question.”
“By making us all mildly worried instead,” Isabeau added. “The puns were good though even if your delivery was forced. Waving your dagger around like that wasn’t great either. For prop work maybe try something less sharp and so close to you eye, next time, okay? And then the way you handled the Sadness brought us to very worried which is where we are again.”
None of them were looking at him or talking like they were mad at him. Where was the hate? He deserved it, didn’t he? He’d forgotten them. They were his friends who seemed to care about him but he’d had to consider himself lucky they referred to each other by name often enough for him to have picked them up. And then he’d lied about it too and would’ve kept doing so if that didn’t risk them dying to a trap he’d failed to disarm.
“I just thought you were being weird,” Boniface said, drawing his attention down onto them. They also didn’t look mad or like they hated him. As a kid they’d have had a hard time hiding it if they did, right? “Like weirder than usual. And I was right ‘cause you are being weirder than normal ‘cause you said you kissed Za and apparently crabbed it up so bad you somehow forgot everything. That’s like, I think, the weirdest thing anyone’s ever done. Congrats.”
“We don’t know that those two things are related,” Isabeau said. “Memory loss doesn’t work that way. You can’t just… decide to forget something and then accidentally forget everything, right?”
“Memory Craft maybe?” Mirabelle suggested. “It comes up sometimes in fiction when the author wants to give someone amnesia but not brain damage. So they just have the bad guy take the hero’s memories away instead. I’ve never heard of it being real though.”
“Time Craft wasn’t thought to be real either until the King showed up,” Madame Odile said, her arms crossed in thought. “So it’s not impossible. But I find it highly unlikely Siffrin’s known how to do it this whole time and it never came up until he messed it up so bad he gave himself amnesia on accident.”
“I could’ve been using it on all of you every time I did something that would make you hate me. You just don’t remember because I also made you forget I could do it. Maybe that’s why I had memory problems before, it’s the cost of using it or something like that. Or I messed up before and just messed up really bad this time.”
“Sif,” Isabeau gave them a worried look. “I don’t think that’s it.”
Undeserving of that worry, they took a step back from him and the group. “No. That must be it. It’s my fault. I know it’s my fault. I kissed you and it was bad because I’m a disgusting creep who didn’t ask first. So I was going to make you forget but I’m also stupid so I messed it up this time and I forgot instead. I deserve this.” And the hatred that would finally come their way now that it was all laid out and made clear. It didn’t feel good to let any of it out, everything inside them still screamed against revealing themself so thoroughly, but they had to. They needed to ensure no one would ever trust them again because trusting them was officially dangerous. “I’m a bad person.” Maybe they could take advantage of their memory loss to be better. Assuming that was even possible. What if it was too ingrained in their nature? And it was kind of too late anyway, they’d already spent the vast majority of their remembered existence lying.
“I don’t believe that,” Mirabelle said, her expression hard but still not angry. Why? “Not for a single second.”
“Yeah,” Isabeau agreed. “Sorry Sif but I feel like right now we probably know you better than you do. You got amnesia and apparently some self esteem issues so your judgment about what happened and why isn’t exactly reliable.” That was a hard argument to counter.
“Did I have self esteem issues before?”
“Uh… hmm… I don’t know. Before this I wouldn’t have thought so but…”
Madame Odile cut in at his hesitation. “Would they have really started feeling that way because they’ve had amnesia for less than a full day? We don’t know the cause of the amnesia but I don’t see how it could possibly have also made you to start feeling so negatively about yourself. So I would say, probably yes, you had self esteem issues before.”
“And we didn’t know.” Mirabelle gave them a sad, worried look. Still no hate or anger. “Now you also have amnesia.”
“Okay, I used to secretly hate myself, good to know. But now it’s not a secret so… oops, I guess.” It hadn’t occurred to them to try to keep that secret specifically, only that they were a bad person. Did it really count as having self-esteem issues if they hated themself for good reason though?
“Self esteem is when you uh… when you like yourself, right?” Boniface asked. “Like Frin’s been saying mean things about themself and now saying they hate themself too so they got self esteem issues ‘cause they’re bad at liking themself, right?”
“Correct,” Madame Odile said, giving Siffrin a look they couldn’t ever hope to decipher.
“Stop being mean to yourself Frin. It’s bad. Besides, you still remember how to talk and stuff. So even if you forgot even more than you usually do you didn’t forget everything, everything. You still got some stuff in there.”
Siffrin couldn’t argue with a kid. Something about that just felt wrong. But nonetheless… “One of the things still in here,” they gestured to their head, “is that it’s my fault. I don’t know how or if I was trying to do something bad,” they were pretty sure of it but Isabeau was right, their judgment on events prior to the memory loss wasn’t reliable, “but I know it was my fault. I messed up, did something and now I don’t remember anything.” They forced themself not to look down even as they took another step backwards, putting their back against the wall. This room was too small, too empty. There was nowhere to hide within it. The door leading back towards the entrance was to their immediate right, but they’d obviously be seen bolting for it. And there was nowhere to go past it anyway.
Madame Odile at least blessedly turned her gaze away and onto Isabeau. “Since they seem convinced their memory loss is related to this bad kiss, mind telling us more about it. I know it’s personal but… if it is related to their amnesia somehow, we should probably discuss it.”
Boniface turned to face him too. “Yes! I wanna know how he managed to crab it up that badly?”
And then Mirabelle was looking towards him too as he groaned and covered his face with his hands. Yay no one was looking directly at Siffrin anymore but… instead Isabeau was being stared at and put on the spot. Not good and for sure Siffrin’s fault. Oops. He at least would finally hate them now, right?
With a sigh, he let his hands drop and looked up at the ceiling. “Okay, okay. Maybe it is related. The timing does imply it might be. So… story time, I guess. I was at the Favor Tree and then Sif came up to me. I know they remembered stuff then because they greeted me by name. They were obviously tired and a little out of it but… mostly they seemed like they’d be okay. We started talking about the tree and they made a joke; ‘You could even say it’s a pretty tree-mendous tree,’ or something like that. I laughed ‘cause it was funny. I was gonna put a hand on their shoulder – I don’t know if that’s important but I remember intending to so I might as well mention it – but I remembered they don’t like to be touched,” – wait, really? Why not? – “so I started to pull my hand back. Or I would’ve but they uh… they stepped forward into my space to grab my shirt and pulled me down for a kiss. … It was more of yank, really.”
“Was it on the lips?” Boniface interrupted.
Isabeau groaned again. “Yes, Bonbon, it was on the lips.”
Mirabelle glanced at Siffrin for a moment. It wasn’t a glare, just a glance but was she finally judging him? Was she finally mad? “That doesn’t sound like something they’d do.”
“Yeah, exactly. Something was wrong. And he was super tense and stiff, obviously uncomfortable and more proof that something wasn’t right. It was a lot all at once. I wasn’t ready for it so I uh…” He let out a heavy sigh as he looked down at the ground. “I pushed him away. Harder than I intended to and… he looked so scared and upset. And then before I could even start to say anything, apologize or ask what was wrong, his eye rolled back and he passed out.”
See? It was clearly Siffrin’s fault. They’d come onto Isabeau too hard and made him uncomfortable and then something, something, they had amnesia now. Not being able to remember the middle step didn’t make it not their fault. They should be hated for it, right? Trusting them with traps and/or anything else important to the group’s safety was officially off the table because they couldn’t be trusted in general. Instead of saying any of that though, they kept their mouth shut. Everyone was thinking it anyway, right? Let one of them voice it instead.
It was Boniface who broke the silence. “So you both crabbed it up so bad Frin somehow forgot everything?”
Isabeau grimaced. “Yeah, if they are related, that would be the case, huh? It would at least partially be my fault.” He looked back up at Siffrin, an apology already on his face. Why wasn’t he mad?
They lifted a hand, cutting him off before he could start to voice it. “No. I was creep. You responded properly. Then I made it worse by doing whatever I did that made me pass out and forget everything. It’s my fault.” Letting him take the blame and feel bad just wouldn’t do.
“I wouldn’t call you a creep for that. It was just… too sudden and uncomfortable. I already told that it would’ve been fine if… you know, if it was okay. So I’m not mad about it, I promise. But I probably could’ve handled it better or just differently so that maybe you didn’t do whatever it was you did or whatever happened didn’t happen. And then it could’ve just been an uncomfortable moment that would’ve required an awkward conversation to get through instead of you apparently losing your memory because of it. And we’re officially having an awkward conversation about it anyway and it’s even more awkward this way because it’s a whole big group discussion so you know… I probably could’ve done something different that resulted in things going better than they did.”
“But I was…”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Madame Odile interrupted. “We’re not arguing about who’s fault it is, especially since we don’t have all the pieces. We’re missing the most important two in fact. We don’t know how or even what exactly happened, only why and even that’s just a guess based off the timing of it. We can’t completely rule out a head injury but brain damage severe enough to cause that level of memory loss should come with other symptoms that you haven’t been displaying. And in general, a nap and some healing Craft shouldn’t have been enough for you to be casually up and about so soon after experiencing that kind of injury. Meaning it is possible that your guess is correct. Unfortunately, part of what you forgot is what you did or what happened so we may never know for sure. But regardless, is there a reason you didn’t tell us about this last night?”
Siffrin flinched and would’ve taken yet another step away if their back wasn’t already pressed flat against the wall. “I was hoping my memory would return on its own.” That was only half true though. They’d been hoping for that but it wasn’t why they hadn’t said anything about it. “And um… I thought you guys would hate me or at least be mad at me if you knew.”
They were all looking at him again now. None of them looked mad. If Siffrin had to guess he’d have said they all looked worried instead. He’d been so sure they would all hate him if they knew. The idea wasn’t even one they’d considered. It had come to them fully formed, an unquestioned assumption of fact. All the more reason to trust it, right? Because if it was something he’d felt strongly enough for it to have survived a memory wipe then surely it was very likely to be true. So why weren’t they mad at him? Why didn’t they hate him?
Mirabelle spoke first. “Why would we hate you or be mad at you for losing your memory? It’s not like you chose to forgot everything and even if you did, then it would’ve been because something was very wrong. Which would mean you need help. All we really feel is worried about what happened and why and what if this is just one symptom of a larger problem? And… it’s sad you don’t remember in general, especially our time together, but that’s not going to make us mad at you.”
Isabeau puffed out his chest and put a hand over his heart. “I for one could never hate you. And I’m not mad either.”
“Not even about the kiss?” Except Siffrin already knew the answer to that because they’d already talked about it last night and he’d said it again earlier too.
“Nope. I forgive you for that and if it makes you feel better I forgive you for the amnesia too.”
“I’m annoyed you didn’t tell us sooner,” Madame Odile said with a sigh. “It would’ve been good to know before coming into the House but… I suppose I can understand why you were scared. I feel like most people would be even if jumping straight assuming everyone will hate you for it is a bit extreme. And you did tell us once it became dangerous for us to not know. So, I’m also not mad. And hating you for something like this would be silly.”
Boniface’s turn. “Yeah, yeah, I’m not mad and don’t hate you either. It’s weird that you thought we would but I guess you forgot so you get a pass.”
“Oh I… uh… thanks?” What else could he say? They weren’t mad at him and didn’t hate him. Why was still a mystery but there wasn’t any reason to doubt them, was there? What would they gain from lying about such a thing? … There must be something wrong with him for thinking so lowly of them. Unlike him, they were good people.
“Of course,” Madame Odile said. “But now we need to decide what we’re actually going to do about your amnesia.”
“Doctor,” Mirabelle immediately suggested without missing a beat. “We should take them to see someone who might be able to figure out what happened. Even if they can’t fix it, it’d be nice to know.”
“But we can’t do that because we’re in the House and the entrance closed behind us,” Isabeau said. “And the closest doctor is presumably frozen in here somewhere anyway so even if we could leave, it wouldn’t do much good.”
And back to Madame Odile. “Which leaves us with one option; continue on our quest to kill the King and deal with it afterwards. I guess we’ll have to catch you up on combat stuff as best we can on the way up. We’ll also have to all work together to spot traps and find keys. It means this’ll probably take longer but I don’t think the King’s likely to go anywhere anytime soon.”
“Good thing I brought lots of snacks then! So we’re good to go for a while.” Boniface grinned and bounced lightly on the balls of their feet as they gripped their backpack’s straps, presumably where the promised snacks were held.
Madame Odile continued seamlessly around their interruption. “New walking order is Mirabelle, Isabeau, then Siffrin in the middle, myself, then Boniface. Siffrin, no more lying or trying to pretend you know what’s going on; you need to know something, ask. Understood?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She frowned slightly. “Okay, let’s address that next. I don’t have a problem with it and you may continue if you’d prefer, but you don’t usually refer to me with ‘ma’am’ or ‘madame’.”
Turns out they’d been messing up with something as basic as how they referred to at least one member of the group, possibly and probably more. They’d have eventually been found out for sure no matter what. “I usually just call you Odile then?” That would be much easier.
“Correct.”
Mirabelle raised her hand slightly. “Usually you call me ‘Mira’.”
Next was Isabeau with, “And me ‘Isa’. Don’t feel like you have to call us by our nicknames if you’re not comfortable or just don’t want to anymore. You still can if you like of course but amnesia is a pretty big thing to go through. So don’t feel like you have to be exactly like you were before, especially not right away, okay?”
“Okay.” They were being so accepting about this it made Siffrin’s chest ache. “Odile, Mira, Isa,” he pointed to each them before landing on, “Boniface, what do I usually call you?”
“Ugh. Not that. That’s what Dile calls me ‘cause she’s old and doesn’t like to use nicknames.” They paused for a moment as their face fell. “And my sister when she’s mad at me.” They shook whatever that was off rather quickly though as they looked back up Siffrin. “You usually call me ‘Bonnie’ or uh… ‘Bonbon’, whichever, I don’t care. But um… speaking of… stuff, you don’t remember how you lost your eye anymore, right? ‘Cause you forgot everything.”
“I uh… didn’t even know I only had one eye until Isa mentioned I usually wear an eye patch last night. So, how’d I lose it?”
They thought in silence for a moment before their face scrunched up in a slight scowl. “It doesn’t matter. You didn’t care anyway. We should get going.”
Should Siffrin have not asked them that? Did they have something to do with the lost eye? Surely not. It was probably his fault because he’d done something stupid, making it an awkward thing to talk about.
“We’ll tell you about it later,” Odile said. “For now, we should indeed get going. We have a long way to go.” She stepped back and gestured for Mira towards the door.
“Wait.” This conversation had already been a lot and things were apparently not terrible somehow but there was one thing Siffrin needed to know and Odile had told them to ask when they had such a question so surely this would be fine, right? “Can I ask a question before we continue?”
“Of course,” Mira said. “You probably have lots of questions. We’ll do our best to answer them.”
“Okay um… is it really okay with everyone that I don’t remember anything? Like… everything I felt about you guys before I’m pretty sure I still feel now even if I don’t remember why. But… I don’t remember any of our time together before last night or… anything else. That basically makes me a different person, doesn’t it? Not uh… the person you knew before and so um… are we still… friends?” In a way he’d replaced their friend. That person didn’t properly exist anymore and he was trying to fill the empty husk they’d left behind and so far not doing a particularly good job of it. So why were they still being so nice to him?
“Even if you are a different person now, that’s okay,” Isa said. He sounded and looked, as far as Siffrin could tell, completely genuine. “We wouldn’t expect you to be the exact same as before anyway. Change isn’t always pleasant and this instance is definitely unfortunate. We wish it didn’t happen but it did and right now it doesn’t look like we can do anything about it so it’s okay that you don’t remember us or yourself. You’re still our friend.”
“Yes,” Mira agreed with an enthusiastic nod. “You’re still our friend and we still love you.”
“Really?” They loved him? They did before and still did now? It sounded almost too good to be true but why would they lie?
“Yes! Also, change and becoming different people are actually important parts of our religion and culture. And by ours I mean mostly myself, Isabeau, and Bonnie, you and Madame Odile don’t follow it because you’re from other parts of the world.So being a different person now because of your amnesia isn’t a problem at all for us. And I’m sure Madame Odile doesn’t mind either even if her views on it are different than ours.”
Odile took that as her queue to speak. “I suppose it brings up the question of how much our memories shape who we are as people. I’m not sure of the answer but I don’t believe this makes you a stranger or anything close to it. Especially since you said you still feel how did before. It’s actually quite interesting that it works that way. I wonder if that’s common with amnesia or if your case being seemingly supernatural in origin has any effect on your emotional response to it. But regardless, I don’t consider your memory loss to be a reason to feel differently about you going forward.”
How was Siffrin meant to respond? It was more than just them not being mad and/or hating him for forgetting, they still liked him, loved him even if Mira was to be believed. What had he done to deserve that? Had he been a good friend before after all? He wasn’t a bad person? Or had he just been good at hiding it and had had them all fooled? … Isa was right; Siffrin’s judgment of stuff from before wasn’t reliable, especially since he wasn’t reliable in general. Which made such speculation useless. He could only go off what had what he had here and now in front of him. And what he had was these people still considering him a friend even with the memory loss. It didn’t make much sense but… what did?
“I don’t like that you don’t remember,” Bonnie said, filling the space left by his failure to come up with a reply. “But you forget stuff all time so I guess you just forgot a lot this time and that’s okay ‘cause that’s just how you are. So I don’t think that even makes you a different person.” They crossed their arms and looked away but their face said they weren’t done speaking yet. “And uh… you lost your eye ‘cause of me. A Sadness was gonna hit me and you jumped in the way so it hit you instead. And then you acted like you didn’t care but you should ‘cause it’s bad that that happened. I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I uh… don’t remember it obviously, but I don’t need to, to know that. But I’m sure I did care. I just didn’t want you to feel bad about it so I acted like everything was fine. I’ve kinda forgotten how to do that now but I still don’t want you to feel bad about it. It’s not your fault so don’t blame yourself, all right?”
They mumbled something incomprehensible as they shuffled their feet but ultimately they nodded. “All right, I guess.” Seems they still felt bad about it but hopefully they maybe felt a little better anyway.
“Thanks for telling me.” The fact that they’d cared enough about these people to do something like that for Bonnie wasn’t surprising considering how they felt now but it was another solid thing they had about their prior self. He’d cared about these people, loved them even. That was good to know.
“It was very brave of you to tell them about that, Bonbon,” Isa said as he patted them on the top of their hat. “Good job.”
Still a bit uncomfortable, Bonnie shuffled a bit more and nodded but otherwise didn’t reply.
Siffrin looked up and at everyone else. “And uh… thanks to everyone else too for answering my question.”
“You’re very welcome,” Odile said. “Are we okay to continue now? Or is there anything else you need to know before we do? Don’t feel shy, this is a lot to be thrown into suddenly without being able to remember any of the context.”
“Um… I think I’m good for now.” They were tired of talking and being vulnerable. Most of the rest of the things they wanted to know weren’t things they really neededto know anyway. And well, some time to process that this really was okay before asking anything else would be welcome.
“All right, let’s go then,” Mira said as she moved to resume her point position. “We’re going to get through this together.”
