Sever the Blight || Andy & Nicole
TIMING: current-ish. LOCATION: the woods in wicked’s rest. PARTIES: @nicsalazar & @declinlalune SUMMARY: andy goes with nicole to retrace her steps. CONTENT: drug manipulation, parental death, sibling death, alcoholism
Nicole had walked the same path more than once before. Never with company, however. Not even Leah. What she did any time she headed toward this portion of the woods wasn’t something she’d ever want to share with the woman she loved. Too risky. Few things could ever kill Nicole, but putting Leah in harm’s way, even unintentionally would be one of those things.
She kept her head down, watching her own footsteps, as if she were uncertain where she was going, despite how memorized the trail was in her head. It was easier doing that, than looking at Andy. Nicole wasn’t sure if she had earned this friendship yet. The loyalty. She’d sacrificed very little, disclosed far less than her companion had. It felt uneven. No— Unbalanced. Gratitude weighed in her throat with words that didn’t feel accurate enough. Her actions too small to demonstrate how much she appreciated the company and how much she needed someone by her side while she retraced her steps.
Andy knew more about this than she did. Or had an inkling of what the truth could be, at least. She was aware of Teagan’s encounter with the same hunter. They both knew what the fae had lost in their confrontation. Nicole had lost something too, was the obvious conclusion. Yet she couldn’t feel it. With the exception of that disturbing pain in her lower back. The one that shot up with no explanation or pattern. Andy’s theory hung over her head like a death sentence, each step they took towards the place where it happened drawing them closer to enlightenment. Nicole dreaded knowing, but more than that —as years of grief had taught her— she dreaded never knowing far more.
“Always take the same route”, she commented, rubbing the side of her leg. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe that man had spotted her the last time the spirit took over. Of course. That would make sense. It would. Rangers were trained to track people like her. “Think the… the—” she clenched her jaw, forcing the words out, even if it meant speaking them as a whisper, “the… jaguar likes it here”. She hadn't thought about it like that before. For all the overthinking she liked doing, she rarely thought of the animal. More comfortable keeping that separation between entities. Nicole was sure she’d been the one to choose the clearing, but now, trudging woods that held little meaning to her, she realized she had always been led to this spot by the pulse in her chest. By it.
“That night— uh,” she looked around, letting muscle memory guide her. “Left my stuff there. Shifted and…” the rest, Andy knew. Still, Nicole walked slowly towards the place she’d been found, Bloody piece of cloth, remnants of darts scattered around the ground. She tried to pick up any familiar scents, uncertain if she would be able to detect the hunter at all, if they would register in her human brain. But everything reaching her nostrils felt like it belonged in the forest. Natural. “Does it— You feel like they might have returned at some point?”
Deep down, Andy knew that Nicole’s friendship and trust meant to her more than she’d ever be able to put into words. After what happened with the ranger, and what happened afterwards, Andy would never be able to express how much it meant to her that they’d given her another chance, even if technically she’d never done anything wrong. It was hard to separate somebody from what they were, and it was something she was taught, but she had fought against it, and in a way, Nicole was doing that, too. Or so Andy thought.
But this– the trail, the path they walked together, the lingering feeling of something amiss. The way that Andycouldn’t get it out of her head that she knew what had happened here, even if she didn’t know anything at all.
Andy made sure to stay within step of Nicole, her neighbor on this long road– or a companion of sorts. What she knew was that her friend needed a friend, and somebody who could understand, or somebody who could see the evidence for what it was. Despite her time out of the community she was brought up in, she’d still be able to identify the devices used to make others’ lives a living hell. They were taped onto the back of her eyelids, horrible things meant to do horrible things, all for the sake of what? Eradicating something? It made no sense.
The interaction between Nicole and the hunter who had hurt her made no sense, either. Had it been about maiming and less about killing? That still made no sense, but it hadn’t with Teagan, either.
Nicole spoke and Andy listened intently, gaze sweeping over the trail that they ventured down. It was clear that the words she said were difficult to get out, and while Andy couldn’t understand them entirely, she knew what they meant to a degree.
Andy thought, very briefly, about the moments before finding Nicole in the woods, bloodied and left on the ground. She thought about the mess, about the way she had carried her through the woods and back to the jeep. About the worry in Leah’s eyes. Andy’s stomach twisted horrendously as she envisioned what could have happened had she not been fast enough, or if the hunter had decided to finish the job.
“I don’t see that anything was moved, not from what I remember.” Everything was just as it had been left; Nicole’s torture undisgraced. Andy crouched down, poking at one of the darts. She recognized them to be something like a sleep dart, but she wasn’t sure if that was right. Her tongue felt too heavy for her mouth as she picked it up, pinching it between two fingers. “Do you remember… uh…” She cleared her throat, “what it felt like, after being hit with these?” She pocketed one of them, knowing she’d need it for later, maybe. “Maybe there’s a serial number on it, you know, like… bullets?” Hunters weren’t stupid enough to leave their trace, but Andy could be hopeful. “I saw it on CSI once.” She rose from where she was crouched and looked over at Nicole. “Did you go anywhere else? What direction did you come from?”
Her mouth was shut tight, temples throbbing from the tension in her jaw as Nicole took in her surroundings. But despite all the signs of dread that came naturally with her existence, nothing stood out, nothing triggered her further. It was just grass and trees and— the spirit pulsed beneath her sternum, stirring. Okay, someone didn’t agree with her assessment. Good to know. She glanced at Andy, momentarily confused by the question but thankful for the distraction. “Oh… I— wasn’t hit with them, no.” She would’ve recalled something going wrong with her transformation. She would’ve sensed the hunter's presence had they been nearby before she shifted. But that night had been like every other night. The same lonely yet peaceful trek.
Nicole rubbed her collarbone, trying to get her memory to cooperate. “I remember after, though. Uh— Heavy. It felt,” she briefly forgot where she was when she woke up. That’s how hard she was hit by whatever was in the darts. “Like something knocked me out. Not— not bad knocked out. Didn’t feel wrong until—” her eyes closed and she swallowed, expecting her body to replicate the pain that shot up to her spine that night. She barely felt a throb. “Before I realized where I was— I only thought I overslept”.
She blinked curious at Andy, watching her pocket one of the darts. “Know anyone who could help identify those?” She wasn’t sure how loaded the question was, if Andy would think she was implying something related to her hunter background, or if she’d take the question for what it was. But curiosity prevailed, and Nicole had to ask. “Never seen that show. Any good?” She doubted television was truthful to real life. The only current example she had of that was that L World, Leah was making her watch. None of it felt true. But that was because she wasn’t the messy kind of lesbian. It wasn’t lost on her, how jarring the idea of talking about television while they were out here looking to understand her own attack was, but she’d seek levity in whatever form she could get it. Otherwise, she’d sink deeper into the horrible thoughts that have been plaguing her head for the past month. Horrible thought that might lead to horrible mistakes that would derail her life. Bile rose up her throat at the reminder.
She let out a shaky breath, pushing those thoughts away, keeping her head where it was needed. “No. Nowhere. Parked my car at the head of the trail, went up by myself”. Normally too many questions would’ve overwhelmed her, the impulse to hide would’ve overtaken her, but the more questions Andy had, the more Nicole understood she was simply trying to complete the puzzle. “Tried to get as far away as possible from—” her eyes shifted to Andy’s. She knew, of course. Nicole didn’t get a say on how Andy found out what she was. It wasn’t as hard to bring up the jaguar in passing. Yet, here it felt like it was still toeing some sort of invisible line. Like she had to defend her actions, separate herself from the beast. “Don’t know how werewolves work, but balam… I know nothing about what the spirit does,” but it was the deal. The jaguar got to roam free when Nicole deemed it safe. “I don’t want the— It… to hurt people, y’know? This spot’s been good for that. Used to be.” With perfect timing, something clawed inside her ribcage. It reminded her of another thing that escaped logic. “Don’t get why a ranger would keep a jaguar alive, though. Had the chance to— could’ve… but didn’t? Shit doesn’t make sense”.
Andy nodded. So she had been right, they were sleep darts. What kind of sadistic fuck went around shooting people with sleep darts? The kind that thought they were at the top of the food chain, she was sure. The idea that this happened to not only one of her friends, but two of them, made her feel ill. Even if she missed Leticia, she was glad that she had left, no matter how temporary. She hoped that while this asshole was on the loose, Leti wouldn’t come back for the sake of keeping herself safe. Then again, whoever had done this wasn’t the only thing to worry about. There were plenty of hunters in Wicked’s Rest who’d done terrible things in the name of keeping others safe. Delusional, Andy thought. They all were, and she was delusional to think that she could change a thing.
“I’m not sure, but it doesn’t hurt, right?” To gather everything they could. Maybe Emilio would know where sleep darts like these were sold. Andy did her best to avoid all hunter hangouts, lest what happened with the last ranger happen again. She didn’t feel safe within their walls, anyway. “Mm, it’s alright. A little fucked up sometimes.” Andy had only seen a few episodes here and there, sometimes with a different cast. It took her a while to learn that there were several different shows with the same name, all hyphenated for their region. Andy didn’t quite understand that. She moved on from the spot she was crouched at, looking through the neighboring brush to see if there was anything left behind– a cigarette, a scrap of fabric, anything that might be able to tie the situation back to the person who had done this horrible thing.
“No, that makes sense.” Andy had spent enough time with Alex to understand what it meant when the other shifted. Maybe she wasn’t as well versed in what balams got up to, but she could imagine it animalistic in nature. Besides, she wasn’t worried about whatever Nicole was doing. That was her business. “I know, Nicole.” She offered her friend a small, reassuring smile, before turning her attention back to the place that she had found Nicole. “We’ll find you somewhere else, somewhere better.” Andy would make sure of that. She thought to offer up the clearing where Alex had been roaming lately, but the fear that other wolves were in the area made her close down on the idea. The last thing she needed was for her sister and Nicole to run into each other while shifted– who knows what kind of awful thing would happen.
Nicole spoke and Andy hummed under her breath, trying to make sense of it. “Maybe it wasn’t a ranger? Maybe they’re…” She struggled to find the words, “I don’t know. This happened to… others, kept them alive. Maybe it’s about collecting? About the harm of it?” Andy wasn’t sure that was any better than just killing something. Really, she was sure it was almost worse, because you had to be a sick son of a bitch to do anything like that to another person, especially one who could plead with you. “This person knew what they were coming out here to do. Their arsenal proves that.” She crossed her arms over her chest and scanned the area again. “I just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again.” There was only so much she could do and she knew that, but it didn’t mean she could just stop trying. “Come on, let’s go a little bit further up this way.” She pointed in the direction where when she arrived, she’d seen hurried footprints. They might have been from other individuals, but it was worth a shot.
No. Could’t hurt. Nicole figured any small trace from that day was useful as long as it helped find answers about her attack. Attack. Sometimes, more often than not, she was reluctant to use the right words. Some felt too strong, too real. Some were never easily accessible in her brain, struggling with some sort of severed connection that made it impossible for her to get a point across. But fuck— That was what happened, no? Someone attacked her jaguar, did things to it she dreaded knowing. Very possibly mutilated it. But she had to trudge through that sticky sense of dread, guilt, and pain, if not for her, for the spirit. Her chest pounded heavy with the acceptance that this had been her fault in the first place. And all she could do from now on was to atone for it.
The corners of her lips curled faintly, despite her muscles protesting. They always did when it came to such displays, it wasn’t new. Nicole wasn’t sure how anyone could be entertained with the type of show Andy spoke of. Wasn’t the real world already grim enough? To then go on and find escapism in similar fictional situations? It was fucked up. Though, she could gather she wasn’t the right audience for it. Nicole moved on with a non-committal hum, remembering to catch Andy up to speed on The L-word later. It was horrible, all of it.
When it came to comforting words, Nicole had rarely felt much. They were nice, of course. Intellectually, she knew that. She wasn’t ungrateful for them, but the cold was there all the same. They incited none of the comfort they were meant to do, and the inability to come up with a decent reply, one that didn’t feel fake or forced, usually made situations uncomfortable. But when it came to Andy, Nicole found herself wanting to believe her. And wasn’t that something, at least? There was a surge of hope, lukewarm at best, but still there. In a way that defied her usual logic. “Okay” she nodded, eyes dragging from the ground they were scanning to Andy’s face. “Alright, that’s— Thanks” Her lips pressed into a tight smile. Maybe the reassurance also came with an offer: They could go find a good replacement together. She wasn’t going to ask now, because approaching the subject still felt delicate, but she figured the use of ‘we’ was enough of an implication.
“A fucking psycho?” She supplied, filling in the blanks for Andy. Understatement of the year. So not a hunter then? Just some fucking asshole with supernatural knowledge and too much time on their hands? She blinked slowly, processing the rest of Andy’s words. She knew this too, but laying out the situation like that, made it easier for her to thread everything together. “Teagan,” she mumbled, a new sense of conviction taking form. They had to take care of this. Of whoever was responsible. Make sure it didn’t happen to anyone else. Andy, as if reading her mind, voiced a similar sentiment. She met her gaze, nodding curtly in silent understanding.
Shaking some of the stiffness in her limbs, Nicole agreed to follow Andy along the path, wondering what exactly her friend had on her mind. She trusted her but— Did she plan on following footprints all the way to the aggressor’s den? That couldn’t— It didn’t feel safe. And she wasn’t thinking of herself at that moment. The cold sensation in her chest spread, less violent than before, and she was plagued with uncertainty. The spirit often liked to make its presence known when angry or scared. What was she supposed to be feeling now?
“Yeah, a fucking psycho.” Her thoughts ran wild, most of the time. The night terrors that were more frequent as of late– the ranger’s blood on her hands, of his face turning into her mother’s, into her father’s. She thought about what they would think of her, and she decided she didn’t care. She was protecting her own– protecting the people who loved her despite her background, even if she didn’t engage much with it. Andy feared whatever this person was capable of. If they could put down a balam or a nix, what else could they do? Would they go after a werewolf next? Was Alex in danger? Again, she was grateful that Leticia seemed to have left town. She just hoped that was the case and that later on, she wouldn’t find her dead in a ditch somewhere.
Nicole seemed to know about Teagan, and the silent explanation of just how important it was to take care of this situation bloomed between them. Andy figured it was apparent in her expression– the urge to put down the threat, by any means necessary. She didn’t like the bloodlust– didn’t like the feeling of wanting to put an end to something, but sometimes there was no other choice. Andy especially didn’t like thinking about it as killing some supernatural fanatic. What if this was a regular person? Shouldn’t the authorities be involved, then? But something told her that in the apparent skills they left behind, there was nothing normal about this.
Grateful that Nicole seemed to trust her call on moving further up the path, Andy kept her eyes peeled for any other disturbances amongst the green. Maybe there’d be more blood, or a wallet, or something else that could point them in the direction of who had done this to her friends. But the further they walked, the further they moved from the scene. It seemed like a completely different world, the further they got– serene, in a sense, except for the haunting feeling of fifty paces backwards. She cleared her throat after a while, stopping just next to Nicole. “I’m not finding much else.” Andy looked over at her friend, expression remaining neutral, “you don’t recognize anything, right?” Because she figured if the other woman had, there’d be some grand show of it. Nicole looked… out of it, and Andy felt her skin prickle with anger. “Do you want to take a seat somewhere? Then we can head back to where we were before, see if we missed anything.” It might have been a lost cause, but what Nicole needed was a friend, and Andy was just that. She wanted to be there for her, no matter what.
Nicole turned inward, hoping to pin down the sensation in her body. What was— Was the jaguar coming out? Didn’t feel like it, but she knew better than to trust her body. Or an angry spirit. If something was wrong— She had to warn Andy, had to get away from her, because the thought of the beast harming her friend— fuck. She missed Andy’s question. Nicole looked up, the puzzled expression on her face giving away the fact that she hadn’t been listening. But her ears processed the sounds with delay, catching her up with the conversation. She shook her head. Nothing of relevance around, no. It was nothing but endless forest. Not that she was paying attention to signs of her attack anymore. The purpose of their trek slightly inconvenienced by the fear rising in her chest. She had to breathe. Keep it under control. She wouldn’t release a frightened –and likely furious– beast into the world.
Andy sensed something was going through her mind –and her body– and offered to stop. Did she want to stop? Nicole considered it for a moment. She wanted the truth, more than anything. She wanted a lead, anything that would give away whoever was responsible for mutilating people. For mutilating her—them? It? And then… then. Revenge? She was hardly helping by being out of it though, she had to get it together first. A break. So she nodded, embarrassment tinting her cheeks. “Sorry. Something about the—” Only when she spoke she noticed how shallow her breathing was, “the woods and hunters and—” she apologized. There was more to it, she supposed. Unrelated disasters piling up, weighing on her shoulders, making this walk more of a steep climb. It was impossible to focus on one problem when she was inevitably reminded of everything else going wrong with her life. When bookstores burned, friends got turned into statues or— Her lungs shrank, cold wrapping around her ribcage. Squeezing. Her back muscles burned from the tension they were holding. What did the spirit want? “Right. We can… should take a break. Good…uh, good thinking. Thanks”.
She leaned against a tree trunk, sliding down until she was on the ground. She folded into herself, hands wrapping around her knees. Her reaction felt childish. Fucking embarrassing, really. The one thing stopping her from wondering what Andy would think of it, from going down that spiral, was the fact that she had to put that energy into breathing. She was fifteen again, ready to bolt. But had she ever felt anything else? She wasn’t sure she’d ever felt like an adult. Always out of depth, playing catch up. Incapable of articulating how she felt. Wired poorly. Maybe not wired at all. Defective. A mind still stuck in the tragedy, frozen in time. A body ready to escape, unable to cope.
Nicole had been running and running. But she wanted to stop and catch her fucking breath before continuing. How long had it been since she’d done that? Two years, when she met Leah. She’d wanted to stop then too. And she did, forced by an unexplainable urge to be seen, for once. And it got her to a good place, but it didn’t solve everything, it didn’t fix her. Reality was, there was no fixing her. But there was this. There was… patching up. She had to keep doing it, every now and then. Andy would help, Nicole knew she would. Tears prickled in her eyes even before any words formed in her head. The violent pound beneath her sternum almost left her breathless. Adrenaline kicked in, stomach twisted in anticipation of the words threatening to escape her mouth. Words as dangerous as they were vulnerable. Those two always went hand in hand with her. There was no explanation for the response, for her body to act like she was in imminent danger. She hated not understanding why. But if she could brace it, if she could wait it out for a moment then…
“Ever told you…” No of course she didn’t. There were things Nicole didn’t talk about. Things that felt physically impossible to approach. The words didn’t want to come out. The more she considered doing this, unburdening herself in front of Andy, the more she felt dragged into the depths of her memories. Memories she had decided to leave alone before they destroyed her. But then this fucking psycho happened, and all of the problems she’d been juggling, the horrible things she had swept under the rug in hopes of preserving her sanity— “I was fifteen—” she sighed, and so much than air left her body with one sentence. But that didn’t make too much sense, she wasn’t sure if there was a structure to what she wanted to say. “When— First time I ran from a hunter? I was fifteen, uh” She’d started wrong, she was inaccurate, and she felt the need to correct. “More than one, actually. Can’t remember how many. Too fucking many”. Nicole always remembered the one whose blade sank deep into her shoulder blade. The pain of a flesh wound insignificant compared to what that night's slaughter brought.
“It was—” had been a special day. A celebration, her culture on display. Was that part of the plan? Knowing it was a family gathering, more chances to get all of them at the same time. Was that the reason? She shook her head, she supposed it was irrelevant to what happened, and she decided to switch her wording. “One night we just… we got ambushed.” Nicole was transported for a moment. She wasn’t in the forest with Andy, but in the backyard of her grandparent’s house. The light of day replaced by the inky black that suffocated that night. She heard it again, as she hadn’t in years: Her mom’s ear-splitting scream cutting through the night air, and the memories snapped faster, the way Nicole remembered, blurry, incomplete. Her father’s plea to run with her siblings. The ghost of a kiss on her forehead, the one they didn’t know would be the last. Her baby sister’s small hand slipping as she tried to keep up. Too small. So fucking tiny. The terror in her brother’s eyes, usually so flippant about everything, seeking reassurance from his big sister. And Nicole wasn’t good enough for them. She didn’t live up to what was needed of her at that moment. “So we had to run… I had to run— my siblings needed—” me, she couldn’t say. She blinked the tears pooling in her eyes, running hot down her cheeks. ”We were gonna hide, wait for— I was supposed to— but my…the jaguar. It came out. Ran. Saved me, but—” her face contorted in pain, never ready to verbalize what came next. She couldn’t.
She had to let the silence sit with them. If Andy understood where everything started, if Nicole supplied her with the beginning, she’d be able to make assumptions to fill in the blanks. Based on her own experience. She knew what hunters did to those who couldn’t escape. She had to understand why Nicole made an effort to tell her story but couldn’t quite push herself to the finish line. What verbalizing that ending did to her. She was fine with assumptions. Better than being the one to clarify. To open that wound again and let all its putrefied content spill out in the open. Her family died and she carried the responsibility. Partly. Partly. Leah had helped with that, making her see it wasn’t all on her. But still— “Ah—” she pressed her lips tightly, teeth digging into the soft inside, and Nicole hoped the pain would distract her from the tears she was anticipating. Heavier than before. Her chin quivered. The worst part was still to come. Her throat weighed with emotion, what felt like a ball of concrete preventing words from getting out. She swallowed, allowing for a small opening. Air went in, words decided to come out. “I didn’t— five years went by— The jaguar… I was stuck for five years.” Five years exiled from her body, not experiencing the world, not existing. “One day, it’s… I just— I’m awake. And— and I can’t speak, or think…or— or understand all this shit around me. Words— sounds.” And maybe it was a blessing that she turned to alcohol to get by all those years ago, because when she thought about it now, when she looked back to what she lived through? She couldn’t comprehend how she was able to come back. How her twenty-year-old self had the strength to piece herself together, relearn her own tragedy, and keep herself afloat. How the fuck did she do it?
She sniffled, and a hand immediately swatted at her nose. She didn’t want to run anymore, but she wanted to hide. She didn’t want to be seen anymore. But she dared to look at Andy, knowing she wouldn’t find judgment, she’d find care and friendship and— it felt like too much. Always did. But it was needed, if only to confirm Andy was still there, listening. Someone was listening. “Been scared of— of… losing control since then. Missing two days or… fuck, five years again, I can’t—” Missing Leah. She didn’t want to think about that. It would send her into a binging spiral. She gestured aimlessly to the forest. “Thought I’d figured out a system. I had a system.” It had taken so long to understand the jaguar was there to keep her safe, that they could coexist, that it was meant to be that way. And this psycho— The heel of her palm pressed against her eyebrow trying to release some pressure from the imminent headache she was getting. “I… I keep losing parts of m— I keep losing. I keep losing” God, how embarrassing was it? To have a tantrum in the middle of the forest? Shame fueled her anger and sorrow burned in her throat. She swallowed a sob. “Don’t wanna lose anymore.” Her words were nothing but desperate air.
Andy knew panic anywhere. She’d seen it in the reflection of a mirror more times than she could count— could trace the outlines of it with her eyes closed. She could feel it in a vibration from Alex, seated just next to her when they’d go into a town they didn’t recognize. She could see it written across Nicole’s features. Andy had lived in panic all her life, so when she watched Nicole’s back slide against the trunk of the tree, she waited. Silence warped around them and she welcomed it— the sound of the birds, the rustle of the leaves from something moving between that and other brush, it was all a backdrop to what was happening here.
The truth would come out one way or another. Whether that was in relation to what had happened to Nicole, or what was pulling at her friend like marionette strings to relive those panicked moments, Andy wasn’t sure. What she did know was that grief could taste like sugar if you ran your tongue along the right edge, but this seemed sour— something putrid. Andy felt like if she reached forward, she’d be transported to the memories that Nicole began to recall. They were mismatched, cut between the panic and the recollection.
Andy made no sound as she wordlessly sat across from Nicole, her own knees tucked to her chest, arms wrapped around them. In those moments where Nicole spoke of her past, for once, Andy was not transported to those set of woods— she did not hear her own mother’s scream, but instead she tried to piece together what Nicole’s family might have looked like. She did not feel Alex’s hand in her own, small and fragile. Instead, she felt the crushing weight of it not being enough, of losing to the pull of something greater. But there was no greater pull for her. She was just Andy. Nicole was something greater— and she was punished for it.
It seemed that even the world around them was listening. Andy had been taught that in the quiet, especially out in the woods, that it should bring you a sense of caution, but she pushed herself to believe that this was out of respect for the story Nicole had to tell. Andy allowed herself to feel— allowed Nicole’s story to wash over her. Her expression that often remained neutral had a dent in it, sorrow bleeding through an expression she always kept tight.
Though Nicole’s story had finished verbally, she knew that the ache of it ran through her friend’s body. It was evident, even now. The story would never end as an echo, but it would reverberate inside of her from now till the day she died. Andy knew that feeling well.
After a few more beats of silence, Andy spoke.
“You’ve got me, you’ve got Leah. You’re not going to lose anything, not anymore.” It was bold, to assume that either she or Leah could fix Nicole, but that wasn’t what she was getting at. The simple nature of having somebody around you— of being able to take care of another being, it was different than the empty feeling of running it alone; of splitting at the seams, everything unraveling until there was nothing left. The only reason she’d never gotten to that point was because of Alex. She could be an Alex to Nicole— had to be.
Andy knew that if she were on the other end of this, being touched would be the opposite of what she needed. What did Nicole need? She figured it to be the same. Maybe by touching her, it’d reignite the loss of those hands in hers. Andy felt that sometimes, too.
“Nicole, look at me.” She waited a moment before continuing, “you’re stronger than you think you are, and I know that sounds like bullshit, but the fact that you went through something like that and you’re still standing—“ Andy shook her head, voice wavering, “it sounds like bullshit, I know it does, but it’s not. You’re strong, and you’re not going to lose anything else. You’d fight like hell to get it back, I can already tell that much.” She offered a smile, and it reached her eyes, surprisingly. “You’re…” Andy let out a breath, “more than you think you are. I promise.”
How could Andy be sure? She, above all, should have known better. Had she not suffered enough loss to refrain from speaking such things? There was no fucking certainty. Never. Especially in a place like Wicked's Rest. She shook her head, caught by surprise by the rush of anger. But it shouldn’t have. Of course a part of her, the part that felt she’d been wronged in so many ways, repeatedly traumatized, wished to fight. Nicole exhaled another shaky breath, discomfort sinking in the pit of her stomach. Before she could lash out, she acknowledged her rage was misplaced. Nicole clenched her jaw, biting down harsh words Andy didn’t deserve. She would have despised herself had she hurt Andy because she couldn't sit with her own unpleasant feelings.
One thing was being vulnerable, and another was dealing with the fallout. Nicole may hate that part even more. Shame and guilt were a potent mix, and even now, when she was able to articulate feelings and memories she usually couldn’t, it all seemed pathetic. Unearned. Were feelings meant to be earned, though? The voice challenging her own thoughts sounded eerily similar to Leah's. She rubbed her jaw and let out a low hum in gratitude, Andy’s words caused too much conflict in her heart to come up with anything more eloquent than that. There were more things she wanted to say. Perhaps, tell Andy what happened after that. What being exiled from her body did to her. The vices she engaged in order to cope. Wasn’t it the perfect opportunity to dig into the chambers of her pain? Right when it seemed there was an opening? Maybe she could explain how things started to balance. How she found something worth sticking around for. How her relationship with the jaguar had evolved. From antagonistic to something akin to acquaintances. It all felt a little too hazy in her head. Out of her grasp, ideas too fucking abstract. She sighed again, words choking in her throat.
Pushing herself out of the spiral she was stuck in, caged inside body and mind, Nicole tried focusing on Andy. She seemed to be studying her, trying to gauge how to proceed after an emotionally charged moment suddenly sprung on her. She never related to her friend more. She wished Andy knew there was nothing she had to do. Being with her was enough. Listening to her story was enough. Everything else was a bonus. Maybe she could help with this, reassure her. Her hand moved towards Andy, nervously reaching until it rested atop her friends. She didn’t know what else to do. It was one of those… grounding techniques, wasn’t it? Smell, touch, sight. It used to all sound like bullshit. But when she felt Andy’s warmth, the agony came to a halt. She nodded, eyes still blurry with tears, but nothing spilled. She wiped them, getting a better look of her friend. Her body felt heavy. Cold. It wasn’t exactly a panic attack, but it had been something else. It weighed on her. The ‘thank you’ died in her tongue, eyes overflowing with appreciation she couldn’t quite express. So instead, she let out a weary sigh. And a nod, she kept nodding. The urge to apologize was strong, it tightened her chest. But she resisted, she knew there was nothing to be sorry for. Friendship was a two-way street.
And Andy waited for her in silence, until her breathing felt less shallow and her head a little clearer. Nicole replayed some of her friend's words, hoping they’d stay with her. That they would serve as a raft to weather future storms in a similar way Leah’s wisdom constantly got her through her darkest moments. And— what now? How did they move on? How did people do this more than once a year? Constantly, in fact. “Can’t get back… what was taken from me—” not her family, the years lost to the jaguar, or the years destroyed by the alcohol abuse, “but this,” her gaze moved from Andy’s to the forest, still waiting for them to continue their search. “But I have to— need to see this one through.” For herself and others who were suffering because of that sick person’s wrath. She tried to get back out there, mentally prepared for the rest of the hike, but as much as she willed herself to get up, her body didn’t respond. Stiff and heavy. She huffed, frustrated. “Maybe— five more minutes…if that’s—” her ears felt hot, but she brushed it off, eyes seeking Andy’s. “Thank you” she whispered, an apology implied in her words, but she knew her friend would have none of it. “I know it can’t be easy— hearing about… Uh— I know how you and Alex…” she trailed off, letting go of Andy’s hand. She didn’t think she was used to physical affection, the same way Nicole struggled with it. It had probably been too long of a handhold anyway.
Nicole’s expression reflected the plethora of tragedies she had faced, and Andy felt a certain anger, too, without understanding that the woman across from her was staving off her own frustrations. The questions she wanted to ask slid down her gullet, poisonous with the what if’s attached to them. There was no reason to lean on them and she knew that, and there was no reason to push Nicole further into a distraught state. Andy hadn’t ever seen her friend like this, and while it scared her, she knew she’d come a long way from not being able to deal with the emotions of it all to attempting to talk her out of them at all. Now wasn’t the time to be proud of herself, though.
She felt Nicole’s hand on her own and she turned her palm overtop of her friend’s, squeezing tightly. Andy wanted to siphon the agony from Nicole, pour it into the spot that she’d been found in and bury it. She hated the way that those around her continued to get hurt, and she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it, but god she was sick of it. So fucking sick.
Finally, Nicole’s voice broke through the silence– raspy, buried beneath the quell of anger she was surely feeling. Andy looked down at their joined hands. “I’ve learned it’s not so much about getting it back, but… about getting through it, above it.” It had taken her a long time, and it wasn’t until recently that she understood what she needed to do to do just that. But to compare herself to Nicole, especially when their existences were so different… it was inhumane, at best. She knew what Nicole had meant with her words; seeking revenge. It was something Andy could understand, and it certainly wasn’t something she would direct Nicole away from. If Nicole wanted to tear into the person who’d done this to not only her, but several others, then that was her right, and Andy wasn’t going to move to stop her, even if it was another hunter. Maybe she’d even help, if Nicole would let her. Just to make sure it’d only be one person poised over death’s hook.
It was odd, seeing the person Nicole was past the comfort Leah brought. Leah wasn’t here, and it was just the two of them in the quiet of the afternoon, the winter sun pooling through the leaves. Even if she’d been uncomfortable once upon a time by the idea of friendship leading to intimacy like this, she was grateful that Nicole had opened up to her. “Five more minutes, ten. Take what you need.” Andy leaned back, sitting down completely, slightly to the side of Nicole, her hand still overtop the brunette’s. At her apology, Andy shook her head. “Different circumstances.” It sounded like Nicole loved her parents. Andy had despised hers, especially for what they had put her sister through. “You don’t need to apologize.” She offered a smile, the memories of her parents gore in the woods flattening over the scene before her. Andy inhaled sharply and squeezed Nicole’s hand again. “When we get back into town, we should pick up some tea for Leah and head over, yeah?”
It was difficult to hold on to any sort of advice or consoling words after breaking down so entirely. However, Nicole clung desperately to Andy’s words, much like she did her hand. Squeezing tightly, like her sanity depended on it. She would overcome it. The deranged person mutilating others. Her shitty year. All of it. Get through or above it, if necessary— She had to. She had put in too much effort building herself anew to allow herself to be destroyed.
She watched, brows knitted in confusion as Andy settled more comfortably beside her, making her intentions clear: She’d wait for Nicole. Her heart pounded with gratitude, mixing with the constant pang of... inadequacy. Not sure if she was worthy of this sort of friendship. Of this sort of comfort. Yes— yes she was, whether she struggled to articulate her feelings or not. Fuck it. She deserved it. Just like Andy did. She knew if the roles had been reversed, there would be no doubt in her mind. Nicole hummed in agreement after a moment of quiet contemplation, unsure of how to interpret her friend’s statement. She didn't know much about Andy's parents, other than the fact that they weren't exactly the best examples of steadfast support. Perhaps, that was all the information she needed. They weren’t good people, and that was it. No good parent would inflict the hunter lifestyle upon their young children. Sympathy bubbled in her chest over her friend’s trauma. She returned the gesture, squeezing Andy’s hand before letting go.
It seemed like a fruitless search. Nicole battled with the disappointment, and the lingering shame over cutting the hike short. There was a dart, though. There was a dart. It was something— Had to be. For now. Maybe they could take a second trip. Maybe they could share their findings with Teagan, or any other victim. Sooner or later that lunatic would fall. However, the thought of traveling back home brought a sense of relief. Especially now, she ached to relax among those who meant something to her. Those she felt safe with. Contrary to what her mind had attempted to convince her of, she wasn't alone and it wasn't all lost. She needed to find her feet and keep going.
“Yeah… That’s— yeah” she sighed, a corner of her mouth tugging upward. She missed Leah. Nicole knew she would be worried when she saw them both walking into the apartment. She’d know immediately that something had gone down, always possessing a remarkable talent to read her mind, weeding through the many incoherent or incomplete thoughts swarming in her head. She swallowed against the knot in her throat and inhaled deeply, feeling her own racing heart slow down to its natural beat. The laugh that came after was barely a huff, but her entire body felt lighter. “Bread. Don’t forget the bread” she rasped out, watching as a smile crept up on Andy’s face. She committed it to memory, for when her mind decided to trick her into believing she would never be good enough, or brave enough, or human enough. Here with Andy, she was all those things. They both were.
