I dont care the world is drowning in it's own blood.
this was always going to happen. we dont live in a safe world. they're arent magic angels keeping everyone safe.
but all I think about in these times are you.
I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm in love with someone who isnt in love with me. it was the only thing I knew how to do right; dedicate my soul to you.
I know it was kind of a fetish to pretend to have kids together. like a naughty make believe. but i.. that's something my body innately wants to do. and my mind chooses you.
it blows my mind to think I actually wanted kids with you. kids period. like who knows of I would have ever brought it up or wanted to follow through.. but that's still.. big.
my mind spends so much time thinking what I can do or say to get you to leave him. I never have any ideas, because I recognize the behavior and shut it down, but it starts right up again the second I try to forget about it.
I guess I never tried asking. Will you please leave him for me? I still love you. I miss you every day. I want to treat you the way you're supposed to be treated for the rest of our lives. I will always hold you at the top of my list and love you as hard as i can.
but I know you dont have faith in me. a lot of that rattles around in me. you saying you want to have faith in me. it doesn't make sense. you either have faith or you dont. trust is something you want to have in someone. that's something given over time. faith is innate. like. agnostics want to have faith in god, but it will never happen. faith is... a certain understanding. its seeing how everyone around is affected.. its seeing how your life changes. its understanding that the other person, even alone, is still there for you. no plots or schemes against you or behind your back. they're there and honest because they want to be, not because they have to.
I'm thinking about blocking you from my stories.
I know. it might not make immediate sense. why now? didnt I say I wasnt going to do that?
what I said was: "I promised myself I'm not going to spend myself anymore for you." and by that I meant, I will not spend any extra thought or emotional strength in relation to you unless I choose to. I would run myself ragged trying to calm your anxieties or get you to take a break. trying to help explain away your fears so your logical mind could rest. I know what its like to be as smart as you and overthink. I spent a lot of my time trying to support you. trying to support your mind and feelings. I managed my own and yours as best I could.
anyhow. I didnt block you at first because I was mad. I wasnt trying to intentionally spite you, but if you saw my pain or my happiness? good. eff you. etc. it wasnt good and it wasnt evil. and then I started to notice you noticing. I started to hope for it. I wanted you to see me in pain and I wanted you to reach out. I miss you and I wanted to cry for help. you're the only person I can say, "I'm scared and I dont know if I'm going to survive" but the lack of faith comes in. to you, to someone who hasn't any faith left, that's a manipulation tactic, it's a way to get you to do something. but that's assuming that I think you'll do anything for me. we're so far apart now that nothing like that can or would work, even if that WAS my tactic, which it's not.
the real and sad truth is: I'm flailing. I'm drowning in my own head and I'm reaching out for the person I need when I think I'm going to drown. and the sad part is: it's you. who thinks this is all a play. all a game. all a tactic. but I cant stop myself from thinking about the love you two share. I cant stop thinking about how he takes care of you now. I cant stop thinking that hes who you're sharing your emotions with. and I know that he is. you pretty much said as much.
it's how you work and I know that much. he likes you, so he'll listen to anything you want to complain about. you could cry about anything and hell just ask for more. you're cute enough and he barely knows you. it's the same thing I would do.
anyhow. I cant turn those thoughts off. I cant. just like you cant turn your anxieties off. or your fears. this is my truest, most ultimate realized fear: you moving on. my mind is panicking. my heart is racing. my dreams and nightmares are filled with you. the only manipulation I want is for you to love me and I'll say it flat out. I miss your care and I miss you. we learned how to communicate 1 second too late and its tragic. you must understand how immensely tragic that is.
but I also do know you. you didnt leave kenny when I asked you to. I know in your head, you did. but you went back to him within months. you cant break up with someone on tuesday and date them again on friday. that's not a break. that's nothing. you know for a fact I would leave everything for you. you literally just have to say the word. but you're not like that. you're practical. you're pragmatic. you want the best bang out of your buck and with no faith in me, what would happened if you did choose me, I was bad, and you burned a bridge with your current boyfriend for no reason? youd be in the cold, looking like a fool.
and I know that's what ultimately stops you. "self-preservation" some might call it. or even "selfish". it really depends on who you're going back to.
and I know you still see me as a monster. but as you get older and start to lose yourself to pain and the normal human anguish.. you'll understand that you're not as solid as you though. you'll change and flail and understand. I was a good man in a bad time. I would've changed the world for you if you asked.
anyways.. that's neither here nor there. blocking you. now that I'm craving you. now that I miss you and want to see you and think about how good our conversations are..? I long for you. I pine for you. I try and hold onto the anger, because it makes me forget about you. but I cant hold onto it like I did before we talked. you helped me process it and I'm left with the infinite sadness.
if I do end up blocking you, it's because I know my stories are just gossip to you. it's something to talk about when the conversation has a lull. you dont care about what I'm going through. not enough to do anything. you care enough to watch it unfold and watch me slowly drown and die. it's all a tragic story to you that's a million miles away. but it's my life. its my day to day. I check my viewers now so I can see you saw it and it's all wrong. I cant be doing that. whether I'm angry or sad... I have to forget about you. because you wont embrace your emotions and come back to me. that's not how this story ends. we're not in some fairy tale where you finally understand and I show up to interrupt your wedding and say, "I have an objection!" and steal you away on my motorcycle. theres no surprise party waiting for me. the story just... ends. unceremoniously like it almost didnt even happen.
I dont want to be something for your tokien curiosity to inquire on. I want your love. I want your secret calls at 2am. I want you to flee and find yourself in your car outside my house. I want to embrace you and hear you whisper that I'm better.
so if I stop showing up for you.. you'll know why.
I might even end up deleting this space.
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
