My throat is a bit sore right now. I'm struggling to write, because I've got bandages on both my index fingers. I also keep suffering from misspellings and/or from autocorrect. I'm struggling with many things. The fact I'm so tired isn't helping me to write, I'll be honest. It really isn't helping. But there are things I want to write. A couple different things, really. So let me just try to focus in on that.
I woke up at 5 am today. But I laid in bed, reading until 6 am. I keep feeling guilty, because I wound up reading a harry potter fanfiction. And I know harry potter was written by someone transphobic, so anytime I even think about the series…even when I want to just recollect an old innocent memory of it I have, I feel like I've gotta feel guilty and like I've been an active participant in oppression. So now I even feel guilty reading fanfiction. I don't stop doing it, because I still do occasionally read a fanfiction in that sphere. But I never feel super great when I'm doing it. I always feel shameful. And I don't know what it says about me that I feel guilty and still kind of do it. I feel like a bad person.
Because I woke up at 5 am, I'm still really tired. Really, really tired. When I try to adjust in this recliner, my underwear and stuff keep riding up. I'm feeling so tired that I just want to go back down for another nap. I've practically swaddled my legs in blankets, and I'm just so freaking exhausted. I don't feel great. No, not at all.
I checked my old amazon tablet as soon as I got downstairs. It's not charged much at all! It was at 69% when I got to it! And that's really stressing me out. My dad did buy me a 2025-2026 Lenovo tablet recently, but it feels different and new. It feels awful, and I hate it. I'm trying to cling for dear life onto my old tablet, but it's still dying! I hate this!
I've got dead skin on my arms. Small patches of it on the upper portion of the arm. I probably need to use a cream to get rid of it, but I'm too lazy and too forgetful. I've also still got facial hair. No matter how much my dad shaves me, it never comes off! Never! I just want to rip it all out!
My stomach still feels really weird. I'm definitely still constipated, because I feel gaseous (and like something has to come out of me). But still, nothing wants to come out of me. I'm stuck in this trap of constipation and gaseousness. sigh…
I'm getting new glasses at the end of the month. I forgot all about that one. But yeah, I am. I went glasses shopping with my dad in April or whatever, and I found new glasses that seemed tolerable. And I agreed to get them. Because my glasses are really old (like 5+ years old) and multiple prescriptions behind. It's not good, and I definitely need to replace them. But now that the replacement deadline is drawing nearer…well, I'm getting nervous.
I haven't read a physical book since June 2025, you know? High School ended in June 2025, and I haven't read a physical book since. I learned to read novels in Elementary School, and I learned to do it at Elementary School. I can't read novels outside a school setting. I've tried. Nothing works. It's school or nothing. When High School moved online in 2020 due to COVID, I stopped reading physical books! I resumed reading them when I returned to High School in 2023 or so, and I lost my ability to do it again when I left High School in 2025.
I keep promising myself I'll try to get my spark back. I keep saying tbigns like "I'll take those Dog Man books out from the library" or "I'll try rereading the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books I own." Those weren't really novels, not in the 200+ page sense. These are all graphic novels or something, which is more my level when I'm at home in an environment of countless distractions. But I'm still really lazy, and I can't remember to get around to taking them out from the library or rereading them.
My throat is still a bit sore. I legitimately just spaced out and tried to wake myself up by looking at erotica. I don't know if it worked. I haven't yet masturbated, so that's something. But the fact I spaced out for 10-20 minutes thinking about all this…that seems like a problem in and of itself. Or at least like an annoying quirk of my brain. But we can deal with that some other time.
The weather network keeps predicting storms today. They keep predicting it'll storm, and the icon showing lightning makes me nervous. I really, really don't want to deal with thunder and lightning. I'm easily scared, and those kinds of things put me on edge. So I'm worried about a storm. Even strong winds make me unsteady, if you want a picture of my severe anxiety. If it does get to storming later, I'll have to use my headphones upstairs to keep me calm. So I guess I should prepare for that eventuality. But maybe I shouldn't prepare too hard, because then I'll want it to happen anyways so I can follow a self imposed routine. I think I'll keep adding to this later. If I do wind up using headphones later or whatever, I'll come back and consider adding more here. But this is enough for now, I think.
I'm not sure if I should sympathize or be concerned or both. Hope a stiff wind doesn't come along. Being human is a challenge for all
