deep within us

finding truth in people's imagination and experiences, shared as an open forum for interpretation and criticism. learn, hate, revere, or trust anything written, but the true answer is deep within us.

[deepwithinus]

My Opinions and their Ramifications

This has bothered me ever since I had this conversation with another guy I got to know pretty well:

Me: "So, what do you think of same sex marriage?"

Friend: "Oh, I don't like to share my views."

Me: "Come on, we've gotten to know each other pretty well, I'm not going to judge you"

Friend: "I just don't like to talk about it.  People get upset and I don't want to do that"

I have a serious problem with my friend's response.  Look, I get that people don't like conflict.  I don't really like to fight either.  But there is a reason why many things don't get resolved and it starts with not talking about them.  Many of our problems are problems because we fall in to the lazy thinking of "that's always how it has been" or "i can't change anything".  Governments start with the beliefs of their people.  Yeah, this conversation ultimately won't change anything.  But if you now understand a topic better and then you have a similar conversation with other people, can you see how one conversation can have an impact down the road?

If you are strong enough to share your beliefs, you better be ready to defend them.  I absolutely hate the defense of "well I was just saying my views".  That's same thing as making fun of someone and then saying "I was just kidding".  It's weak.  It's not a defense, it's a cop out.  Putting distance between your beliefs and who you are should be done by those who know and trust you, not your words.  Intent versus impact.  If you don't know why you believe what you believe or if you don't understand the topic, be honest about it and say you don't know.  Brazenly defending an opinion without reason makes you look like a fool.

I'm super concerned about the world when the people I surround myself with aren't able to handle being challenged.  The world isn't going to give you anything.  The world will challenge you to beat it.  Start now by realizing how you defend yourself matters.  Why you believe things matter.  This collegiate culture of not criticizing others is short-sighted and naive.  Criticism hurts for the moment, but if you critically examine yourself in the frame of mind someone else has shared, it will makes you better ultimately.

If I think you're doing something wrong I will tell you and my expectation is that you listen to me.  If you don't, I have the choice to not associate with you anymore just like you have the choice to do whatever makes you better.  But no one likes that view.  Everyone wants to be told they are special.  No one wants to work for it.

[deepwithinus]

Is This Love? ( by Anonymous)

I have a secret. It’s one that I’ve never spoken aloud and rarely let myself even think. I'm not sure if admitting this fact to myself will get me anywhere… in fact it might bring me down. But I think that it is time to say it, even if it is anonymous. I will never admit it to him. I have too much pride. Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that he knows. It’s all in that stupid, egotistical smirk.

This boy isn’t even worth dwelling over.  We were complete opposites and clashed in almost every way possible… He annoyed me to the point that I became this shrill, whiny girl that I hated and he hated… and well anybody would hate. He pushed me… and he teased me… and he took and took and took. And oh how I gave to him. I gave so much and I loved every single second of it.  Is that why I feel this never-ending empty pit in my stomach? Did he take just enough of me to leave me feeling this empty? To the point where it has been months and I still can’t look him in the eye for more than a second… And I ache for him. Oh it makes me sick how I ache for this boy. He left me like it was the easiest thing he has ever done.  Without a thought he jumped into bed with another girl.  He felt free… and was happy to be done. And yet, I ACHE for him.

And this brings me back to the principal question of love. How do you know when you are in love? Is it when you lay in bed at night longing for somebody? And how do you know if you love the person or you simply love the way that person made you feel? And then there’s the factor of sex. Sex complicates it all. Especially when it’s good… and it was GOOD. Is that why I feel this way about him? Because I’ve never been more intimate with another human being than I have been with him?

I don’t have him on any kind of pedestal. He’s really not a good person and I realize this completely. But when I’m in a room with him… its like there some sort of gravitational field. I just want to be near him. And the closer I am to him, the safer I feel. In his arms… I feel at home.

Damn that is so fucking cheesy and completely ridiculous. I feel at home in the arms of a boy who threw me away!?! He just threw me away without a thought. And like some tragic, self destructive idiot…

I still miss him.

[deepwithinus]

My Long Year

It's always interesting to look back at where you've come from.

One year ago, I was hosting one of my best friend's birthday parties at my apartment.  I knew everyone there.  It was an awesome time.  Life seemed like it couldn't get any better.  I had a girl I loved, friends I could count on, and I was happy.

Now, a single year later, I speak to exactly one person who was at that party.  I'm not with that girl.  I don't speak to that best friend.  All those friendships I counted on turned out to be empty wishes.  I was living in this facade of a life, right down to how I thought about how amazing my life was.

College is such a volatile time in every student who walks through the front doors.  If things are not changing around you in college, you probably aren't going through college with principles or you are incredibly lucky.

My college experience has translated into three serious relationships, four different jobs, driving three different cars, getting my first apartment, living on my own for the first time in another city, driving close to 30,000 miles on road trips, discovering my specialty, and realizing that change is the only constant that will ever be in my life.

That does not mean everything has changed.  I still have the two high school friends I keep in touch with.  I have my parents who are still supporting me. I have this platform to share what happens.

I am lucky enough to say great things have found ways into my life.  I've found someone who makes me want to do all the little things to make her happy, I've reconnected with a friend I should have never ignored, and I have 23 new brothers who I can count on and respect.

Do I wish things were different?  Of course.  I didn't want to lose a great friend.  I didn't want my old girl friend to break up with me.  I didn't want to say goodbye to my old life.  But things will always change.  Tomorrow will be a little different than today.  Slight changes add up to big changes.  All we can do is be ready for the future without losing sight of today.

[untappedinkwell]

The Untapped Inkwell: Omissions

[deepwithinus]

We all have a story to tell. A sequence of ups and downs that have defined us and made us who we are. For some people, those downs and ups are deeper and steeper than for others. 

As for me, My story is more about the people in my life and the people who have influenced me than it is about me. My story is about the uncle I lost to suicide, the boy who taught me how to love, the friends who fought to protect me in school, the manipulative ass who broke me, and the friends who put me back together again. 

But sometimes I wonder if the story we choose to tell isn’t the interesting one. I wonder if the story we don’t tell—the ones we edit and hide from even ourselves, I wonder if that story is more interesting. 

For me, the story I haven’t told is the story I don’t want to admit to myself—the one of my family, the people who let me down, the friends who betrayed me. That story and the fact that I omit it might just be more interesting than the stories I will tell. 

We all have a story to tell, but what we omit speaks more about our true selves than what we own up to. 

[deepwithinus]

My Bad Relationships

**These are all my conjectures derived from my experience.  I understand this is a touchy subject because I call out both sides of relationships.  It's incredibly interesting to me so comment if you have a different opinion**

At one point or another we've all been have of a bad relationship.  But what keeps us in them? What blinds us to their negative impact on our lives?

I've never been a woman in my life so I won't pretend I know what makes a woman want to be with, what us guys deem as, a "bad guy".  From what I can gather, for all the faults in the world, women want to be with guys who are in control.  Growing up, I was always told to make the women I'm with feel safe.  I think it's a complicated bond of these two components where somewhere in the middle lies the insecurities that burden women.

Since I'm a guy, I usually don't talk to the man-side of a bad relationship.  Many guys don't want to talk about how bad they treat their partner since most men in that position don't think they're doing anything wrong.  I can safely assume every guy in that position loves the power that comes with it.  Feeds on how much the woman will submit to him.  That or he doesn't think she loves him or cares for him enough so he pushes harder and harder and that's all he knows because he once beat up a kid to get his candy.  

There are no good partners in bad relationships.  It's not just the guy's fault.  The woman on the opposite end of this abuse either plays it by subtly fighting back or avoids conflict like the plague and just says everything is OK because it's easier that way.  Neither of which is a good solution to an entirely dysfunctional relationship.

When did men become relient on their egos to create self worth in this world? When did women decide it's better to let the bad happen now so the good, that they think will come, will return?

I saw that one of my facebook friends, who confided in me that her boyfriend abused her through high school and college, is engaged to that very type of man.  I've dated woman who's ex's treated them like crap yet they were with them for multiple years.  I've watched my friends get destroyed by women who crave bad relationships, or just crave telling guys who care about them how bad there relationship is then breakup with that boyfriend to date the friend only to break the friends heart and go back to the bad boyfriend (i know that was rambling but still...bad situation).  I've listened to women telling me their significant other is great all the other times when he isn't telling them they're fat or throwing them against a wall.  I don't get it.

This is my challenge that will fall on deaf ears because we're all too proud to change anything in our lives, especially when someone else says it.  Look at your actions, be conscious of them and their consequences.  You will hurt someone, that is inevitable.  But if you harm someone else's self-worth to make you feel better because you have a crappy family, or you're grades are suffering, or you're unemployed, then ditch the bad family, crack open a book, and fill out ten job applications to mcdonalds and whataburger.  

Do not destroy other people when you think you're doing them a favor because, in reality, you're crippling them.   

[deepwithinus]

My Image

My image does not merely exist in the world between two people anymore.  It is on the internet and a computer as well.  Where things can be misinterpreted and spread faster than wildfire now.  It's really interesting looking back on my life and seeing the use of computers evolve from those simple power point and word documents we made in elementary school to advanced calculus, social networking, and the sharing of complex, meaningful ideas, and, for most of us, our lives.

I posted a three part blog earlier on this site about my junior year and a particular relationship that transpired.  If you didn't read it, I can't post it again because I was told that I would be sued for slander if I didn't take it down.

There are a few important things to note in this situation that I found out after a lot of research.  1. It's called slander if by spoken word, libel if by written. 2. Libel is defensable by the truth in Texas and many other states, something I could have easily used in my defense considering nothing I wrote was false or even dramatized.  and 3. The landmark case for libel in the press (which this clearly is not, but is still a place for information to be shared) was:

New York Times v. Sullivan:extended the protection offered the press by the First Amendment. L.B. Sullivan, a police commissioner in Montgomery, Ala., had filed a libel suit against the New York Times for publishing inaccurate information about certain actions taken by the Montgomery police department. In overturning a lower court's decision, the Supreme Court held that debate on public issues would be inhibited if public officials could sue for inaccuracies that were made by mistake. The ruling made it more difficult for public officials to bring libel charges against the press, since the official had to prove that a harmful untruth was told maliciously and with reckless disregard for truth.

The other thing in the posts was that I never used a name, nor did I ever say she did anything wrong or illegal.  I merely told my story, something I'm apparently free to tell to anyone face to face but not by anonymous blog post, even though many of you know who I am.

It also got me thinking about how we handle the things we do.  None of us want our secrets revealed to the world, especially when they could harm our relationships in the present and the past.  But when you wrong someone, you can't really look at them and say, "Oh by the way, I don't want you to tell anyone what I did to you, because that will make me look bad." 

Duh, freakin' duh it makes you look bad.

The fact of the matter is, if you don't want to look like a jerk or someone who does terrible things, don't be a jerk and don't do terrible things.  Yes we get to make mistakes in our lives but that doesn't mean they don't come without the consequence of having something in our lives taken away from us.  Whether it be respect, friendships, or just a loss of innocence, nothing that we do to hurt people goes unpunished.  The sooner you accept that axiom of life, the more you'll think about your actions before punishing the people you supposedly care about.

[deepwithinus]

Reflection Within (by Untapped Inkwell)

We're raised to believe  Parents are good, strong, and right Friends are a good back up when your family isn't there Family is the most important thing

We're raised to believe We are not enough Our feelings are the result of over-analysis and lack of sleep Pleasing others is the most important thing. But the years pass And the seasons change We grow and realize the world around us is not what we thought Dreams fade into nostalgia  Hopes fade to mediocrity

The years pass We are enough Our feelings are real and valid (sometimes) Being ourselves is the more important thing. 

The years pass Parents turn into people who screwed up and have problems Friends become more important--and others fade away Family importance might be replaced Slowly but surely We must realize that while it may not be what we'd hoped for What we'd wanted It's still okay. And it's still beautiful. And so are we. 

[deepwithinus]

Doormat

I’m sick of being thoughtful.

I’m sick of being understanding.

I’m sick of being sweet.Those are all things that people call somebody right before they walk all over them.

I’m done being optimistic.

I’m done looking for the best in people.

I’m done expecting others to be there for me when I need them.

It just sets me up for disappointment and heartbreak.

No more looking to others for all of my answers.

No more measuring my self worth by how much love I receive.

No more desperate longing to be appreciated by others.

I need to answer my own questions and love and appreciate myself, regardless of other people.

I want to be strong and independent.

I long for carefree happiness.

I’m desperate to find meaning in my own life.

If only I knew how.

[deepwithinus]

The Internet Vs. IRL (Submitted by Untapped Inkwell)

Every so often I see random posts or statistics that suggest that people who spend more than x number of hours on the internet are more likely to have psychological problems, or are more likely to be withdrawn/anti social. And at first, my instinct is to scoff and brush it off, because the same could be said for people who watch tv or people who play video games. 

But after a while the thoughts start to sink in, and I start thinking about what it is that makes the internet, or gaming, more enticing than the real world. And I don't have a concrete answer, and what I have is based on opinion and speculation, but in thinking about this the last couple of days, I've come to a conclusion.

It's not the internet. It's not the games. It's the people.

The internet and gaming have provided us with new ways to connect to different people. These mediums allow people to select who they want to spend their time with based on what people like and what people do rather than the proximity of someone IRL who may or may not share one's interests. In not knowing the people that we interact with online (or in not knowing them as well) we are more likely to accept things about them and accept who they are and the way they express themselves. 

What I'm saying is, because we have access to people all over the world that we didn't have the ability to connect with before, we're no longer restricted to the small batch of people that we know IRL. Maybe the batch of people IRL can't be what a person needs. Maybe they're judgmental, mean, or just ignorant. Maybe they just don't get it or aren't interested in the same things that a person is. Sure, you can go do stuff with them, but you won't have the connections that you could have.

Now obviously, this is not the case for everyone. Some people (myself included) have been blessed enough to have IRL friends who work like internet friends. Those friendships are based on acceptance and being yourself AND you can go do awesome things together and hang out IRL. 

So why does it matter if you spend more time on the internet if the people you have to interact with on a regular basis aren't what you need them to be? Why conform to a societal standard of having "real life" friends if you don't actually get along with any of them? Why is it considered "anti social" if you choose to spend your evening raiding a village with a bunch of gamers from Australia? 

The world around us is changing very quickly, and so is the way that we communicate. So, I'm sorry, statistics, but I think you need to reevaluate this one. It's the people that make the difference--not the medium.

[deepwithinus]

My Important Decision

"have fun sitting in the front of the class, austin."

is the second thing she had said to me after i met her.  full of sarcasm.  full of accusation for my study habits.  it stung.

she caught my attention.  it was so blunt.  so honest.  so different.  her tone suggested that i was lame for sitting in the front.  it was...

perfect.  i can't describe how she made me feel.  it was a challenge.  it made me sit on the edge of my seat and think about what i should do.  i had two choices: stay where i was and be comfortable, learn about dynamic systems and control and do my work or i could take a chance and learn about her, maybe get nothing out of it, learn nothing.  it was like the world stopped for a few moments for me to think and decide.

i knew it was going to be an important decision.  i didn't know just how important.  i think you can guess which one i picked if you know how my life has changed in the last 33 days.

i'll give you a hint though.  i'm happier than i've been in a long while...and i don't feel quite as alone anymore.

[deepwithinus]

My Old Life

i think about my old life every now and then.  there are people on my facebook who i used to be so close with, but now we pass each other on the street with a simple hello or even just a wave.  it's time and it's life getting in the way.  it's sad really, there was time and effort put into those relationships and now they withered with no care.  to find fault with either person takes away from what actually happened, simply, that it was time to move on.  the purpose for which they were in my life was served and i, hopefully, benefitted them in the time they wanted me around.

i have a hard time trusting people because i don't really even trust myself to do the right thing.  i know that i have the option at anytime to just be a jerk or don't do the nice thing in a situation.  i'm looking out for me and i assume everyone else is.  i don't do kind things out of this inner drive for people to like me or to impress others, it's much simpler than that: i do nice things because i want to.  but now i have new people and i want to do nice things for them.  they've shown me what it means to be a friend, to be a brother, and to being that person's someone. 

there's this part of me that wants my old life.  the one with other people and other things.  it's comfortable to think about, to dream about.  but i know the life i have now is special and, without regard for the past, it is going to be better for me to move on, strong, and with poise, to tackle what is my greatest challenge of my life now: tomorrow.  understanding the next challenge, questioning the core of what it means to be happy, doing the things that put me on the right path.  i want to have the comfort of my old life, now, with the people i want in my life at this moment.  i'll get there, it just takes time.  i know that you can't hope to achieve greatness without adversity and growth.  i just hope the seeds i have planted grow into something so great, i could not imagine what i did to deserve any of it.

[deepwithinus]

My Unapologetic List

10 things that anger me:

1. People who don't recognize their actions have consequences 1a. People who also think your an ass for holding them accountable for their actions.

2. People who tell me to grow up.  (I'm taking my time people, making strides when I need to)

3. People, I knew in highschool but I no longer talk to, that friend me on Facebook or try to follow me on Twitter.  Seriously?  No.

4. People who purposefully force their way into my life when, let's be honest, they don't deserve a place in it.

5. When musicians sound terrible live.

6. People who don't understand relationships are give and take.

7. People who feel their sole intention in life is to make other people's lives better.  Yeah sure, it's great, but when you do hurt someone, you try to make it better and that's just stupid. How can anyone take you seriously?

8. People who don't stop when it's obvious that they should.  Obliviousness is the second worst trait someone can have.

9. People who want to be friends again after they torture you for months.

10. When there is a hard line that you draw and people continue try to cross it.  It's frustrating and people should really listen the first time.

[deepwithinus]

how do you turn the bad into good?

there is no bad, there is no good. it is all relative to what we believe. so is there any way to turn something bad into good. to change negative to positive would take changing how a person thinks about something. to change what one person thinks is bad into something good would require that you make them change the way they think.

how do you change the way someone thinks? no one but the individual can determine how and what they think. no one can change how someone else thinks for their own wants and needs. i can believe that i did what was best, i can try to explain what i did and why; but if it is something that you dont believe or something that you would have done, it seems bad. you can possibly understand what i did but never agree with or forgive my actions if you believe them to be bad. 

so we're stuck. each thinking what we think is best and what we think is wrong. it would be nice if things were different. let me know if you ever see things change.  

[deepwithinus]

"A Reminder"--Submitted by Untapped Inkwell

[deepwithinus]

My Sacrificial Hypocrisy

I fight myself thinking that there is no way that I could ever sacrifice my own happiness for someone else.  It's not a pride thing.  It's a survival instinct.  It's the part of me that wants to not feel pain, to not feel like crap, to not worry about the next moment or the next second. 

But if I were to tell you that I haven't sacrificed part of me for the people I love, it would be a lie.  It takes losing everything to realize how much I really do give people.  It's my own personal hypocrisy that is actually a "good" thing, something I would want my children to aspire to.  I want other people to be happy.  I really, really do.  I just want to put this at an arms length where it can't affect me.  But the truth is, I know that it's right up against me a hair's width away from hurting my core.  This reality is harrowing.  I want to a rock and know that I'm going to be OK every day.

But the reality is that we all want different things.  I care what people what.  If that's not me...well.   I think anybody would be hurt.   Why am I any different?

[deepwithinus]

I am sorry.

To anyone I've ever known, loved, or hated.

I am sorry.

I am one man with an incredible amount of displacement from reality.  From what I am told is reality, what is the truth.  This is not easy to write nor is it easy to think about.  I want everything and nothing.  I want to be the hero but I want to be the thought that never crosses your mind.  I am in constant war with my place in the world.  How I am connected.  How I am real.  Every day seems like the last.  A battle.  A misunderstanding.  A mess.  I don't know where I came from and I don't know where I am going.  We humans can think beyond our physical bodies to find that edifice we yearn for congratulations from.  That edifice is yourself.  You want to call to a man in the clouds, that's your decision, your choice.  He is real to you.  I will never understand this reality.  It is that conflict that makes me apologize to anyone that has a relationship with me on any part of the scale.

I am in control but I am in chaos.  I find pleasure in the little things but with no big picture who could move on?  What is it that drives men to murder?  Simple.  Too simple.  There is a call in our hearts to do what is right only to ourselves.  There is an understanding beyond our comprehension, yes.  It is in each of us.  It is the way you look at yourself in the mirror.  It is in every word that comes from the deep insides of your mind.  It is the soul that we cannot prove but every time we reach for something that isn't there.  Love, hate, anger.  None of these exist but are manifested in simple simple simple terms.  Finding what we truly believe is not a release.  It doesn't save us.  It haunts us.  We are insecure to the point of suicidal thoughts.  Broken bits.  Never whole but only fragments of what we were supposed to be and who we believed we would become.  We choose to fight our own happiness.  We are attacking ourselves.  There is no way to understand when it comes.  It comes in the middle of the night.  In broad daylight.  In a storm.  In our cars.  We all must face our own mortality.  Our own weakness.  Our own struggles.  So that we may diagnose the simplest of issues that plague the human race. 

There is nothing there.  No answer.  It is a farce that we were told to search for from the beginning.  Directors call it films.  Artists call it paintings.  Singers call it songs.  It is a perfect world.  It is our subconscious crying out to the reality of our lives, saying we are alone.  We have no purpose but to find purpose.  We can analyze and talk and cry and laugh about our lives but we reach the harsh reality that we will die.  We will no longer exist.

I am sorry.  I am afraid I have said too much.

[deepwithinus]

Truth: A Definition

Yesterday defines us, whether we want it to or not.  

Truth is something that is has been a mystery to me for quite some time.  It started mostly in my senior year when I started to contemplate how I fit in the world I was put in.  This is a formal writing of my definition of "Truth."

Truth is a human expression of how you and the rest of humanity build the "world" around you.  It is the experiences that a person defines their life by and their image of how people view them.  Defining what is true is an individual process where someone comes to terms with what they have experienced.  It is more than understanding what has happened, but what people feel and express about an event.  An action with no response has not occurred and is thus ignored by everyone (1).  There are an infinite number of "truths" and a universal truth exists only in the realm of what is accepted universally, but may not actually be THE truth.  This universal truth can never exist nor be comprehended, but is only an evaluative summary of what people choose to think others believe about an event.  Everything is permitted because nothing is true.  A truth exists but cannot be shared for this an event itself, and truth springs from this on an individual basis alone.  Life defines truth, which defines our next move. 

A human's understanding of truth is its god.  They will follow it to the darkest of days, because we cannot comprehend anything else.  Truth is our next move.  It is our only move.  Truth is life and life is truth.

(1) Yes this means if a tree falls in the forest but no one is around to see it, it might as well not have happened at all because it does not exist in ANY individual's "truth."  This is not to say this does not affect people indirectly, thus attributing to a truth.  It is just a matter of how deep you want to imagine one small tree has on the world.  (See: Law of Conservation of Energy)

(The funny part of my conclusions is: I cannot be disproved.  I finally understand what Christianity's "God" is.  It is the truth that we can never know because it changes as soon as we think about thinking about it.  I can barely comprehend what I am arguing but I know it is true for what it can be.  Definitions and words would obviously lend themselves to creating a new truth which don't mean anything to someone who doesn't speak English.  It is a giant cycle that we cannot escape from.  The only way to destroy my argument is to say it is not true.  But this of itself would fit in my definition.)

((If something like this is written anywhere (the argument part) could someone point me in that direction? THANKS! :D ))