Words Are The Tracks We Leave Behind

Venting Blog

[deertrxcks]

(you proved me wrong) (and i’m very glad you did) (i miss being able to see you)

[deertrxcks]

i deleted my mood tracking app bc nothing ever changes and i have no space on my phone but boy oh boy would this bring the whole mood score dooown. i feel so awful. and it’s worse bc i have been feeling decent... even. hopeful. so the fall is further. harder. and the holidays are always awful for my mental health. haven’t been bad yet this year. but i’m a little worried where this might lead

[deertrxcks]

i feel like my whole life has lead up to this

[flowersforfawns]

It’s 11:16pm, mid January. It’s -1°C which is considerably warming than the weather we’ve been having in Edmonton winter. I’m sitting outside in pjs, and a blanket around my shoulders, listening to After Laughter and crying. Dexter’s pacing the backyard.

[deertrxcks]

01/19/17

[deertrxcks]

01/17/17

My anxiety was really bad today. I don’t go to school until the afternoon on Wednesdays but I woke up early because I had to finish my assigment. I only had about ten minutes left of work but depending on my mental state, that could take me up to an hour or more. I finished it before 10:00am leaving me with two and a half hours before I had to leave for my bus and I spent the whole time incredibly anxious. It didn’t go away once I was on the bus or at the university. I wanted to go to class. I only have one on Wednesdays and it’s my favourite of them all. But I was anxious to the point I couldn’t think or concentrate on anything. I could feel it in the veins of my arms and it burned. Right up until the ten minute mark before class started. And you sat down next to me. If anything that should have made me nervous. But it was the first bit of calm I felt all day.

[deertrxcks]

I wrote this like a week ago on my twitter.

[deertrxcks]

the passing of the new year just slipped by as if it meant nothing... it wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. i spent it with my best friend... but i feel empty... here’s to 2018

[deertrxcks]

09/03/17

Good times with even better friends.

[deertrxcks]

09/03/17

... Ready For It?

[deertrxcks]

09/02/17

It's getting worse.

[deertrxcks]

08/25/17

I hope that someday maybe I'll just float away

and I'll forget every cynical thing you said

[deertrxcks]

08/07/17 Beach front. Diving boards. And a WHOLE lot of East Of Eli.

[deertrxcks]

08/05/17 Happy happy happy

[deertrxcks]

07/31/17 There's a reason I've always struggled to keep journals. The second after I write something down, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel even feel as if I've ever felt that way. Everyone emotion I have is so fleeting. Nothing lasts. Nothing is mine.

[deertrxcks]

07/31/17 Forever grateful for the people I spent the night with. Escape room. McDonalds. Animated storytelling. These are the nights worth living for.

[deertrxcks]

07/31/17 Right brain. Left brain. Establish communication.

[deertrxcks]

07/22/17 It's been a really long time since I've connected with anyone in a substantial way. I haven't had a real, honest conversation with some in I don't know how long. Nothing really makes sense inside of me. Most of the time I don't feel anything, and when I do it is so fleeting, and the second it's gone I can't even remember what it is. This makes me forget how bad it is. I feel so extremely guilty because a lot of the time I don't feel like I'm mentally ill or neurodivergent enough, which is absolutely ridiculous. When it hits it's like a wave and it's so overwhelming. But once it's gone....... did I even feel it at all? I want to die, but there's no substantial feelings behind it other than not wanting to be alive. I don't know why I feel this way, but I also know there's nothing in my life (spare my dogs) that encourages me to stick around. I cling so hard to anything that gives me any sort of feeling, but none of it means anything and none of it last. I feel like I have nothing. I don't have anyone. I feel so uncomfortable existing. And no one even knows. Normally I'd have people I could at least talk through the existential-shittiness with, but I don't have a single person I feel I can open up to. And even if I did, what is there to say?