#07.22.17

[unbeeknownst]

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t become someone else. I couldn’t even be a little better. I’ve failed you. Failed. I’m a failure. Failure. Failure.

My ear hurts. My jaw. Hurts. Hurts. You were right.

I just want to be treated like a baby. I wish you’d dominate me like that. When I’m a mess, grab me and put my pacifier in my mouth. Hold me, rock me, stroke my hair or my back. Please. Please. Please. I don’t even care if all it is is holding me, the physical part only matters a little, really--- put on a movie or a game, shush me. Tell me all the nice things about me, call me yours and call me special and unique and pretty and make me feel like I might be worth something.

...God, I’m so selfish. You hurt worse than me every day but I can’t shut up and be happy if I don’t get attention. I fucking hate myself.

[deertrxcks]

07/22/17 It's been a really long time since I've connected with anyone in a substantial way. I haven't had a real, honest conversation with some in I don't know how long. Nothing really makes sense inside of me. Most of the time I don't feel anything, and when I do it is so fleeting, and the second it's gone I can't even remember what it is. This makes me forget how bad it is. I feel so extremely guilty because a lot of the time I don't feel like I'm mentally ill or neurodivergent enough, which is absolutely ridiculous. When it hits it's like a wave and it's so overwhelming. But once it's gone....... did I even feel it at all? I want to die, but there's no substantial feelings behind it other than not wanting to be alive. I don't know why I feel this way, but I also know there's nothing in my life (spare my dogs) that encourages me to stick around. I cling so hard to anything that gives me any sort of feeling, but none of it means anything and none of it last. I feel like I have nothing. I don't have anyone. I feel so uncomfortable existing. And no one even knows. Normally I'd have people I could at least talk through the existential-shittiness with, but I don't have a single person I feel I can open up to. And even if I did, what is there to say?

[deertrxcks]

[deertrxcks]

[swift-and-styles]

lol oh gosh, on Monday, my mom told me when I get my period.. my dad asks what's wrong with me and all she says was "you know..." pauses. "she has her period." and my dad probably gets all weird. and all he ever does was looking away and says "oooooh" I don't know about you but that's hella funny to me.

[whoopsfeelings-blog]

you fucking destroyed me and all i want is your hand to hold and tell me it’ll be okay.

im sorry i cared