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dreaming BIG

I’ve been walking around

With bloodied band-aids swinging off my elbows,

I haven’t been able to wash the same way.

Not able to cleanse my body when my soul and spirt are still so raw,

I’m washing around my elbows and letting them sit,

I guess this isn’t all bad,

It’s OK to hurt a little while.

I’ll sit in the blood, sweat and dirt for as long as I need to.

I’ll bear the bandaids a little while longer,

Sit in the funk.

Because fighting, is still fighting and its OK to hurt.

Because surviving, is still surviving and its OK to live.

Because a party, is still a party,

and to my liking, only happens every once in a while,

when back femmes begin to dream,

and i’m still dreaming BIG.

I did a feature for To Queer Things Up a while back, check it out here :)

Joshua Allen attacked--statement on 7/30.

Yesterday night I attended a party called Maricon at 128 Tropical at 128 Elizabeth Street in New York, NY. I spent the majority of the roughly two hours at the club being accosted by white gay men who grabbed and pulled my hair, touched my body without consent, and treated me as if my black femme body deserved no dignity or respect. I received reprimands and was called belligerent from the hosts of the party as well as the security team for "causing trouble" which, in all reality was me demanding the my body not be violated, my hair not be pulled and that I not be pushed or disrespected by white gay men in a club.

I exited the club and spent around 20 minutes talking on the phone with a friend because the energy and space showed itself to be completely unenjoyable, and something I didn't want to subject myself to any longer. I hear an argument going on and walk up to find my sister and best friend being yelled at and berated by one security guard, and another quickly followed up behind them. The argument escalated and within 2 minutes the security guard pushed my friend with so much force they were off of the sidewalk and into the street. My friend pushed back, rightfully so and a fight ensued from there, with 2 men from security attacking my friend. I quickly involved myself in the fight as I can not, and will not watch another black femme be physically attacked without fighting back. At that point another man (wearing a different color shirt than the security team) that was well over 300 pounds charges me, picks me up and body slams me into the street, causing bruises and bleeding wounds all over my arms and legs. Even while trying to de-escalate and backing away from this huge man he kicked me while I was on the ground and continued to chase me after I tried to get away from him.

In total 3 security guards attacked me and my friend and a 4th person attacked two of my other friends who were present when they tried to step in. And by attack I mean chased, threw full forced punches and kicks at and body slammed. Meanwhile a crowd of gay club attendee's were all outside and did NOTHING to intervene in the violent attack against us. One other black person who stepped in was hit SO hard by one of the security officers that they are now in the HOSPITAL with a concussion.

Fearing for my life I ran to the corner were I saw a few empty bottles, picked up a corona glass and ran to the side of my best friend and pulled them and my other friends to the other side of the street. The security guards stopped what felt like an endless attack on my life once I was armed with the bottle. Someone called the NYPD and as expected they continued to perpetuate a victim blaming campaign, telling us to just go home even though my friends wallet and phone were still missing in the aftermath of them being jumped.

The NYPD proved to be of NO help to us, only a hinderance. Outside onlookers did nothing to stop the violent attacks. Some people tried to talk to the security team to get the phone and wallet but were unsuccessful. The anti-black event organizers named us as belligerent did NOTHING against the vicious attack on us AND told us to stop arguing and go home, that they can "find the phone later." After more harassment by the cops and a verbal argument the security team we left the club and got into a cab to heal and recollect at 4:09AM.

I am DEMANDING full accountability for this attack and will not stop until I have it. Please join me in SHARING these demands and actions steps, as well as performing them:

1. Call the venue Tropical 128 and DEMAND that they issue a public apology for the vicious attack that occurred and the IMMEDIATE firing of the ENTIRE security team that was present and that assaulted us last night. Venue number: 212-925-8219 (they open at 5PM).

2. Post in the Facebook group page for the event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1437744826553620/1444392259222210/ DEMANDING that the hosts issue a public apology for their complicity in the attack against us, statements about our "belligerent behavior" which was actually demanding that our black bodies be treated with respect, demand that they fulfill their RESPONSIBILITY to recover my friends wallet and phone (or be prepared to monetarily offer a replacement) and to lay out a detailed plan as to how to protect black trans-femme and GNC folks in their party spaces. If this is not done, then they must discontinue their parties IMMEDIATELY.

3. Stay posted and be prepared to mobilize for a direct action VERY soon outside of the 128 Tropical Lounge venue. What do we do when black femme bodies are under attack? STAND UP FIGHT BACK!

Joshua Allen, Kiyan Williams, and Jamal T. Lewis in conversation about Blackness, Gender, Prison Abolition, and Afro Futurism at Afro Futurism Conference hosted by the Students of African Diaspora at The New School.

Orange Moon

Today I realized that I wrote a book for you,

I watched and smiled

As all of the colorful phrases I wrote swirled off of your tongue,

And into consciousness.

I saw the world adorn you with praise.

Each time I look at you I am reminded of architects and carpenters,

How they can so easily make a life out of building a home

And then gently walking away from it

I think it's time I let us go.

I've offered sweat and heartache and happiness to build this home,

And I think I finally respect us enough to say good bye.

My mother used to tell me:

“A carpenter’s hands only shake when they don't know what they’re doing”

I was lying to myself this whole time,

Working through shivers

Claiming that this process of loving--I mean building,

Was just unfamiliar,

Pretending that my hands have ever possessed the skill to build a man.

The last chapter I wrote for you is waiting in the sky.

When you lie awake at night and stare up at the moon,

Come and find me there,

Offering soft whispers into the night sky,

Reminding you that the moon is only reflecting the light of the sun.

I've stumbled aimlessly and found myself trapped in a world where being a brilliant black, femme slave is to be adored.

One that solves all of your problems, fixes all of your messes and dedicates themselves entirely to your servitude is to be loved.

To be a runaway slave in a world full of shackles is to be hated, vilified and violated. It is to be left and abandoned.

To devote yourself to a project of self love is to be brave, is to be daring, is to be free.

I have committed myself to breaking all chains (starting with my own). I choose to be free.

Question: "When do I get to be Asian?" Response: "When the police are present and they have guns. You get to be Asian when I get to be black."

On re understanding our blackness and our black-selves outside of colonization re: queer, trans & gender-non conforming identities--

"Unfortunately in the U.S today we're thinking about gender variant experience as a caveat into blackness. As if somehow we need to include trans-ness into blackness or queer-ness into blackness. When in fact, these identities have been a part of black histories and legacies for millennia --that's no joke, for thousands and thousands of years. We seem to have this monolithic understanding of blackness that comes from white supremacy. We need to begin to think about blackness from a decolonial, anti-imperialist framework."

On building solidarity past guilt, tears & feelings--

"When we talk about race & solidarity people tend to talk about their feelings, talking about their guilt. Talking about how its hard to live in a world where imperialism has benefited them, but killed us, taken money from our communities and literally left us destroyed. As opposed to talking about ways in which we can rectify the issue, and that's not just a white issue, its a brown issue as well. In a conversation about black to brown solidarity we must default to those most affected."

On Black-Palestinian solidarity, the Afrikan diaspora & the re-imagining of blackness in social movements across the world--

"Black people exist in Palestine, and in the same way that people in Palestine are very much so a part of the #BlackLivesMatter movement U.S we [blacks] are an essential part of the liberation movement there as well. I think that we must reframe the ways that we think about solidarity building. Especially in the world that we live in, a world that's heavily globalized and ravaged by imperialism. We need to think about what the Afrikan diaspora did-- what it did was left black people in every corner of the world. So when we say #BlackLivesMatter we're talking about the Palestinian liberation struggle and every other liberation movement in the world."

On systemic racism, anti-blackness & the prioritization of black struggle--

"One thing that I want to make very clear, whether or not we want to acknowledge it, hear it or accept it as truth is that: the entire system of racism is built on anti-blackness. The entire system of racism is built on anti-blackness."

On the hyper-conflation of people of color--

"The hyper-conflation of POC just ends up, once again, being of detriment to black people. We begin to co-opt movements, and behave as if this is a struggle that we are "all a part of." Yes absolutely this is a struggle we are all a part of, but the way it impacts us is very, very different."

phatphemme

Greetings & Introduction

Hello friends, comrades & lovers! I recently created this new blog to keep track of my writings, videos, photos and other work. Excited to embark on this journey with you all.

Really great mini-doc on black queer and trans organizers on the front lines of the movement!

thisisluvproject

From Joshua Allen (pictured, center right):

As a queer child, I’d always resented growing up in a ‘black power’ family. Falling so easily into the racist fallacy that black families are inherently homophobic. I resented that they were so invested in the freedom of black folks, but so closed-minded when it came to gender and sexuality.

I have vivid memories of taking an hours long car ride across a humid, rural North Carolina on Sunday’s. Listening to complicated conversations and bickering that seemed to stretch on as endlessly as the cornfields that bombarded the view from the window. On Sunday’s like this we would get dressed up in fancy church clothes, take this long ride to church and my Uncle (pictured, far left) would always readjust the buttons that I’d buttoned-up incorrectly before gently waking me upon our arrival. In my younger years I didn’t possess any words greater than ‘church’ for this congregation of black families, political organizers, educators and community members who adorned themselves in everything from Afrikan garb, to professional attire, to house-clothes. Most times I would spend the morning holed up in political education classes with my older cousin and older sister (pictured, center-right & center respectively). Some Sunday’s I would sit clutching my grandmother’s arm (pictured, far right) and hear words like abolition & pan-afrikanism— those were my favorite. The parts of the conversation that I could comprehend just felt like a far away world to me, but other things felt much more present. I was constantly chastised for running into the girls bathroom with my big sister or holding my plastic fork with a certain flare whenever I ate. I always felt an unspeakable tension with my family growing up. As I experienced a white world as a queer teen I resented my family for being so ‘progressive’ with race and not sexuality. I hated that they could see my skin, our culture, our blackness as glorious but marked my gender and desire as transgressive.

Over the years my resentment has turned into appreciation. The world teaches us to see our identities as separate, but upon arriving at an intersectional reintroduction to myself, my family and my desire I recognized just how supportive my family has always been. My blackness is not separate from my queerness. In a colonized world the same systems that have left me ‘othered’ because of my race have done the same in regards to my queerness. My grandmother and my Uncle taught me how to celebrate myself. Learning about abolition & black liberation theology served the purpose of arming me with tools to free myself. Through arguments and disappointment they taught me how to speak up, how to always hold my head high. They taught me a commitment to my people and my culture. Upon letting go of my resentment I was able to accept the multitude of talent, skills, gifts and experiences my family has bestowed upon me, in acknowledging my blackness as inextricable from my queerness.

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