octaviaspvcks:
— Every word felt like the sharpest knife to the most delicate skin. Designing patterns to make sure that she was constantly reminded of the mistakes she’d made. Hazel orbs flickering up to the face of the man she’d fallen in love with. Octavia felt as if her whole body was on fire; embarrassment, shame and guilt coursing through her veins. She hated disappointing the only man she wanted to impress and she could have not told him. But it would be so untrue to herself to keep it from him; she always thought he loved how honest she was with him.
“I don’t even know what to say to you right now, Lucas..” her voice wavers as she runs a hand down her face to find her hand wet, she looks at it for a second as the words pathetic ring loud and clear in her mind. “Yes, I fucked up. I let my emotions get the better of me and I gave up something I can never get back and I regret it.” She dropped into a chair as she dropped her head into her hands.
“Honestly all I wanted was for you to tell me to cheer up, that you’d make some kind of joke out of this situation. But instead..” she laughs as she rubs at her face. “I just feel so shit. That might be the hangover though, that much whiskey should be god damn illegal.” She groans.
“You were gone for a long time and maybe I changed, maybe everything you ever saw in me dissipated. Things happened while you were gone and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be the same again.” She offers a hurt smile, not to do with him but the hurt represented some of things she’d had to go through since moving here.
“You may not have directly asked me to be anything, but you always expected me to be the best I could be and I’m not saying it’s exactly a bad thing because I want to be around people who push me.” She looks back to him finally with watery eyes as she rolls her eyes at herself trying to lighten to the mood with him. The thing was she wasn’t always this serious, Octavia liked to have fun and be the one to create a room full of laughter but he’d caught her at a bad time in her life.
“But the need to impress has always been there and you loved that about me. You wouldn’t have chosen me as your right hand girl if I hadn’t been that way.” She hadn’t taken a proper breath as she stops for a second looking away from him and out the large window of her apartment. She tried to focus her mind but it’s still clouded with a thousand thoughts. “and the people I have to look up too? To compare myself to so I can be my very best? The women and people you surround yourself with are the exact replica of perfect.” She scoffs “If it isn’t flawless beauty then it’s an impeccable mind; if not both.” She shakes her head.
“I get that’s what guys are like. I don’t expect anything from guys, I haven’t met one that’s been interested in more than that yet. And before you say it I know you are the exception when it comes to males that walk on this earth but I’m talking about more than friendship here.” She sighs realising she’d angered him as she wraps her arms around herself; she hated upsetting him.
‘‘Not everyone can turn their feelings off at the click of a finger.’‘
with a deep sigh lucas inched closer to octavia and shook his head “make me understand what changed. tell me what happened.” she couldn’t go around claiming she has changed because of things that have happened and not tell him what exactly was that. for lucas, things were simple. people were the way they were since the day they were born until they died. this i have changed bullshit is when they try to hide their real self. people didn’t change. maybe circumstances did, but not people “i never compared you with anybody and you shouldn’t compare yourself with anybody either. i chose you for a reason, and each time i choose someone is for a different one. you’re different than everyone else, and if i pushed you was because i saw potential in you and i wanted you to get better for yourself. because you were young, you had a life ahead of you and it would’ve been a wasted to live it the wrong way.” he ran a hand through her soft hair “is that what you think? that i can turn my feelings off at the click of a finger?”













