Demi Gray Speaks

In-depth discussions on asexuality and other social justice topics by the admin of the advice blog @demigray. Do not ask me for advice here.

[demigrayspeaks]

Ace Toronto is happy to announce that we will be hosting an Asexual (Un)Conference for ace community members and allies.

Location: Ryerson Student Centre (55 Gould St., Toronto, ON) Date/Time: Saturday, January 21, 2017  10am-6:30pm; 9:30am check-in (with a post conference social)

Who is this conference for?: This conference is for people who are on the ace and/or aromantic spectrums or questioning whether they might be, and for their friends, partners, and family.

What is this conference about?:The goal of this conference is to create a space for more in-depth conversations among ace and/or arospec community members.

What is an (Un)Conference?: This conference will include set programming in the morning (e.g., workshops, panels, etc.) and an “unconference” format in the afternoon where programming is decided day-of.

For more information:

Conference details

Registration form

Call for programming proposals

Fundraising page (please help us out!) [url now fixed]

If you have any questions about the conference please e-mail us ([email protected]). We hope to see many of you there! @ace-toronto

Official Hashtag: #atuc2017 (for “Ace Toronto (Un)Conference 2017″)

** Please signal boost! **

Thanks to our Space Sponsor: @ryepride. 

[demigray]

Love is stronger than fear.

This quote is written on the first vaporizer I bought years ago. It’s a kind of hippie-ish company (unsurprisingly), so I didn’t think much of it until recently for unrelated reasons. It brought me a lot of comfort due to some tribulations in my personal life, but then it brought me comfort today.

I woke up this morning completely morose and afraid, though I felt a little better when I had my friend over and we just hung out. But I’d made some social commitments for the evening and felt ambivalent about going to them because I just didn’t feel motivated to leave the house. 

But I had RSVP’ed and didn’t want to flake so I went. I’m very glad I did. First, I went to a meeting of the Philadelphia South Asian Coalition. I’d never been before but everyone was so nice and when we went around introducing ourselves they asked for pronouns. And then we spent some time complaining about clueless white people. (If you’re white and reading this, don’t worry, the people we were talking about were like… actually really dumb lol.)

Then I took an Uber to meet a friend and in the car ended up with an older black man (the driver) and two college girls, one of whom I think was a WLW because she referred to her marriage rights. We all commiserated and as each person got off, we wished them to take care and stay safe. Today is a dark day but solidarity is popping up like weeds in cracks. 

Then I met up with this old friend of mine who I haven’t seen or heard from in three years. He just happened to be in the city and was leaving tomorrow so getting to see him was serendipitous. I was really delighted to see him and strengthen our friendship. We did a lot of catching up and commiserated. It just felt like it was meant to happen today. 

So to get to the point, people are important. Really fucking important. I am going to be okay because of the people in my life. I have been blessed to cultivate a group of excellent people—all of whom I actively found over the years—who completely accept me for who I am and want me to be happy. And if I put a little effort into looking, I can apparently find new good people too.

It’s easy to become a total misanthrope today (which I am, by default) and I know I’m lucky because I live in a big, overwhelmingly liberal city. But people online are real people, too, even if they don’t feel that way. We’re all real and here on Earth together and we love each other. I know we genuinely want each other to be happy and feel safe. Even if you feel alone where you are right now, you ARE loved. You are part of an enormous community of people who recognize what’s wrong in the world and care enough to live their love through their principles and actions. I shed tears when I think of people who don’t feel that love. I wish I could show you how real it is.

No one can make you feel happy or safe, but when you have those people in your life… You’ll know. Find them. Make it your life’s goal to surround yourself with excellent people. It’s not easy, but nothing in life is ever easy, no matter the circumstances. It’ll be the best thing you do for yourself. I feel blessed every day because I have the people I have in my life. Sometimes I just randomly tear up because I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve them. 

It may take a while to figure it out. I’m nearly 26 and it took me a while to find my groove. Most of my friends are queer and the ones who aren’t get it. And even if they don’t get it, they want to learn because they love me. None of you deserves anything less than this. 

I am afraid. But I have a lot of love in my life. Abundant love. I see it in all the communities I frequent, off and online. I saw it this morning when people from my online communities started the day by asking each other “Are you okay?” I saw it in the evening in the Uber I took. We’re all here for each other. It’s real. Love is real. It’s the number one thing that matters and it’s stronger than fear.

[demigray]

(originally posted Nov. 10, 2016)

[demigray]

6 Signs Your Call-Out Isn’t Actually About Accountability

Here are some signs that you may be “performing activism” when you’re trying to hold someone accountable – and how to refocus on the bigger picture instead.

This is a HUGE PROBLEM in the ace community and Tumblr in general.

[queerascat]

been following the allosexual debate. it seems like it's not really about allosexual? it's about any term that groups non ace spec people apart from ace spec people, that it's harmful to talk in any way about people who aren't ace spec? because any non ace spec term could include people who don't identify with sexual attraction or who don't feel sexual attraction is important to or a defining part of their orientation? with the debate being framed on allosexual I'm not sure if I'm parsing right.

2 (I mean about the way that allosexual, or any term for non ace spec people, is intended to be used, as a simple “not us” grouping for discussion purposes, not anything extra/problematic someone might do with the term or lump onto the term)

indeed, many of the arguments that people are making against the usage of the word allosexual aren’t even really about the word allosexual itself. in fact, many of the same arguments are also being made verbatim against the usage of monosexual.

that suggests that it’s not just about a word being used to talk about the experiences of people identifying on the ace spectrum vs not identifying on the ace spectrum. no, there’s a lot more to it than that and i’m pretty sure that those making these arguments would agree.

i find it telling that no one making these arguments seems to be able to explain why these arguments, which are equally applicable to numerous other words, seemingly only apply to allosexual and monosexual.

…it’s almost as if they don’t care that many of the very same arguments that they make against allosexual and monosexual could similarly be made against words that they themselves use. apparently such arguments don’t apply when it’s inconvenient for them to.

[demigrayspeaks]

Yeah, I’ll be honest, I completely fail to understand why no one* is complaining about “cisgender,” which also lumps oppressed people with their oppressors (eg: black women and white men).

*by no one I mean people who are also protesting allosexual on these grounds

[acephobia-is-real]

You know what bothers me the most about 'ace discourse'? Before this current wave of hate, ace posts on my dash were about: how to make the community a safer place for survivors, boosting networks for more marginalized aces (ex: Muslim aces, Black aces), anti-intra-community ID policing, how ask blog runners can give better advice to people in abusive relationships (1/2)

You know what ace posts on my dash look like now? Asexuality is valid. Ace people don’t have straight privilege. Acephobia exists. ALL those IMPORTANT intra-community conversations are just, gone. I’ve heard a significant amount of ace-haters say, “we don’t hate aces we just hate the het aces who have taken over the community and are silencing everyone else!!” Well, guess who has actually silenced a swath of our community? Hint: it’s not het aces… (2/2) 

[demigrayspeaks]

The Closet Does Not Exist

DISCLAIMER—because I know Tumblr can be stupid sometimes—everything below refers to ME PERSONALLY and how I feel about this topic. If other people have other thoughts about how they personally feel, good for them.

The phrase “coming out of the closet” never really made sense to me for my situation, and makes less sense the older I get. For one thing, coming out is not a one time event. You come out to new people all the time, when you start a at new job, a new school, or simply find a new social circle. So “coming out” as if it’s some kind of life milestone does not really exist, because as long as certain identities are dominant and considered default, queer people will constantly be in a state of coming out, over and over again to every new person they meet.

In addition, I don’t really feel like I am in a closet because if you are closeted, the implication is that you are hiding your identity. But I am not hiding anything—I simply don’t really feel the need to share it with people because it’s not their business how my sexuality works. There are many aspects of myself that I don’t feel the need to share with people because it’s not their business how I live my life, but because I don’t go around telling people my sexual orientation, it is implied that I am hiding something—which I am not. 

So the whole concept of a closet just doesn’t make sense to me or apply to my situation. Sometimes I tell people I am ace, and sometimes I do not. It may come up if we are discussing the topic already, but much of the time, it simply isn’t the other person’s business. There is no closet that I am sitting in. I’m just a private person in general and don’t get why this specific piece of information (or any piece of information, really) has to be turned into an announcement or some momentous moment. 

The second reason I don’t tell people I’m ace is because it too often requires an explanation. I don’t tell people I smoke weed because they can be super judgmental about it. I don’t tell people I’m pescetarian because they’ll give me shit about not eating bacon. There are many situations in which it’s wise to keep quiet about something because people will be dumb and/or rude about it, and keeping quiet about something does not automatically mean you are closeted. Let people speculate.

[prismatic-bell]

Okay, but can you not say shit like “the closet doesn’t exist”? For me, a super-religious child in a conservative town, the closet most certainly existed. I was desperate to keep my sexuality a secret so nobody would know I was hellbound.

Maybe for you that wasn’t reality. But it is for plenty of others.

[demigrayspeaks]

Please read my disclaimer: this post refers to ME PERSONALLY AND NOT OTHER PEOPLE. I’m not dumb; I know closets exist for other people. I specifically put a disclaimer saying that this is ONLY about how I personally feel because I knew someone was going to say something exactly like this.

[demigrayspeaks]

The Closet Does Not Exist

DISCLAIMER—because I know Tumblr can be stupid sometimes—everything below refers to ME PERSONALLY and how I feel about this topic. If other people have other thoughts about how they personally feel, good for them.

The phrase “coming out of the closet” never really made sense to me for my situation, and makes less sense the older I get. For one thing, coming out is not a one time event. You come out to new people all the time, when you start a at new job, a new school, or simply find a new social circle. So “coming out” as if it’s some kind of life milestone does not really exist, because as long as certain identities are dominant and considered default, queer people will constantly be in a state of coming out, over and over again to every new person they meet.

In addition, I don’t really feel like I am in a closet because if you are closeted, the implication is that you are hiding your identity. But I am not hiding anything—I simply don’t really feel the need to share it with people because it’s not their business how my sexuality works. There are many aspects of myself that I don’t feel the need to share with people because it’s not their business how I live my life, but because I don’t go around telling people my sexual orientation, it is implied that I am hiding something—which I am not. 

So the whole concept of a closet just doesn’t make sense to me or apply to my situation. Sometimes I tell people I am ace, and sometimes I do not. It may come up if we are discussing the topic already, but much of the time, it simply isn’t the other person’s business. There is no closet that I am sitting in. I’m just a private person in general and don’t get why this specific piece of information (or any piece of information, really) has to be turned into an announcement or some momentous moment. 

The second reason I don’t tell people I’m ace is because it too often requires an explanation. I don’t tell people I smoke weed because they can be super judgmental about it. I don’t tell people I’m pescetarian because they’ll give me shit about not eating bacon. There are many situations in which it’s wise to keep quiet about something because people will be dumb and/or rude about it, and keeping quiet about something does not automatically mean you are closeted. Let people speculate.

[starsdontfadeaway-archive]

This is an actual message I was just sent on grindr. I understand that there are some that have experimented with their sexuality at a very young age and have turned out fine, and I’m not trying to make generalizations. However, legally, age of consent in certain areas exists for a reason. As a younger teenager, I turned to sex as a form of making up for physical affection as well as a form of self harm. I also had heard stories of all of these guys having sex by 14 or 15 and wanted to see what it was all about. It became expected of me, and I began coupling my compulsive sex with substance abuse for nearly 2 years straight to deal with a lot of deeper internal issues (as sex addiction usually implies). I was abused and taken advantage of physically/sexually on more that one occasion. It’s a miracle that throughout that time, I didn’t develop any sexually transmitted diseases, especially because of how Texas’ Sex Education system works (abstinence only, cover of diseases transmitted through vaginal sex, no oral, anal, or contraceptive coverage of any kind). All of my advice comes from personal experience, and, factually, I do have something to add: LGBT men (especially young gay and trans men), experience the highest rate of eating disorders among the male demographic. As a general whole, queer men are EXPECTED to have as much sex as possible with as many muscled bodies as they can. This is why bears, twinks, and other subsets of the gay culture are more shamed for things they do that aren’t actively participating in their assigned sexual roles. The hypersexuality of the queer community is extremely harmful to younger people. It’s our job to stop this stigma and educate people before it fucks them over.

[king-koala-cub-deactivated20160]

this is fucking iMPORTANT

[balleri-no]

This is so real.

[oldmanviggo]

I’ve posted this before and it didn’t get much attention. I’m still in the same place so I’m hoping more people see this and donate this time.

[demigrayspeaks]

If you have some extra $$$, this person could use some help.

[heteroabhorrent]

Petition to destroy the myth that every person who doesn’t identify as ace experiences sexual attraction in this one specific way made up by the ace community that is a universal truth for all non-aces. Sexual attraction is /complicated/, for a lot of people. This idea of ‘normative sexual attraction’ doesn’t exist. It’s a myth. Not every non-ace person has a straight forward, healthy uncomplicated understanding of their relation to sex.

Like I understand the need to have words to describe what yourself and what you’re feeling. It’s important, it’s helpful, it’s why I identify as ace. But acting as if these terms are somehow coherent identities with definitive separation from those who don’t identify with them is useless and grasping at straws as well as putting a lot of people into boxes that don’t exist and don’t make any sense.

Like if you want to identify as demisexual that is fine and okay, but at the same time you have to recognise that ‘doesn’t want to have sex with someone until you’re close to them/doesn’t develop sexual feelings for people until you’re emotionally attached to someone’ is true for A LOT of people, most of which do not and will never identify as demi.

The same goes for asexuality and the entirety of the spectrum; a lot of people, especially LGBT people and various other marginalised groups have complicated relationships with their sexuality and sexual identity and easily fall on the ace spectrum by pure definition, regardless of whether or not they self-identify that way.

To act like there’s a coherent group of ‘allosexuals’ who all experience sexual attraction in a similar way that is considered ‘normal’ without issue is troubling and flat out a myth.

[kaijuno]

Hmm maybe if the LGBT community wasn’t so sexualized, asexuals would feel more comfortable with aligning themselves with the community.

Maybe if the only LGBT spaces weren’t bars and clubs you’d have more asexual people participating in the community.

Maybe if people, hetero or otherwise, stopped making the LGBT community so sexualized, you wouldn’t get assholes that think “asexuality isn’t part of the LGBT community”.

MAYBE I’m getting fucking sick of asexual people getting excluded from the LGBT community because they’re not “gay enough”

[kaijuno]

This is making people that don’t think asexuals belong in the LGBT community mad keep reblogging it

[sonicthehedgegod]

maybe if people didnt literally murder us for being sexual we wouldnt need spaces to do it safely

its not that you arent “gay enough” its that you’re not fucking gay. period.

and you’re policing our fucking spaces to boot

[actualvetra]

Except that the most common LGBT places are actually over sexualized, aside from the fact ace people ARE part of the LGBT community there are also CHILDREN in the community. Kids who are underage, who DONT/CANT have access to these places (unless you want to expose kids to sexual situations which is a whole new problem on its own).

I, a transwoman, should not have to go to a bar or a club to interact with other LGBT members in public. I, a transwoman, WANT non-sexualized LGBT places to be a more common thing for kids, people who are ace, people who just don’t want to be in an overly sexualized place because it makes them uncomfortable.

Stating and acknowledging that the oversexualization of LGBT places is not policing them, its acknowledging that it’s a problem in more than one way.

[monsterkissed]

putting all the asexual stuff aside for a moment (i know, it sounds weird when it’s me saying that) we have got to, as a community, stop responding to valid criticisms of widespread issues with kneejerk defensiveness.

like here: admitting that there is a disproportionate number of sexualised spaces to non-sexualised spaces for lgbt people is not confirming what the cishets think about us or w/e, it’s protecting our youth and other vulnerable members, as well as just improving our support and community spaces overall. “cishets think we’re sexual perverts, therefore any discussion that mentions sex in the same sentence as negativity must be shut down” gets people hurt.

time and time again intra-community discussions are shouted down because “idk that sounds like something a cishet might say” and it’s tiresome. this is not how we assess the legitimacy of complaints.

and if you’re honestly gonna be like “well if having the vast majority of lgbt spaces revolve around sex, hook-ups and drinking keeps the asexuals out, then i’m all for it lol” then congrats on throwing minors, abuse survivors, recovering alcoholics and anyone who just wants to hang out with their community away from insufferable music and drunk people under the bus just to spite us, i guess.

damn, knew i couldn’t keep it up for the whole post.

[warriorsdebt]

As a lesbian survivor of rape and sexual abuse, this is absolutely a topic that needs to be talked about within the community. I am deeply uncomfortable in spaces that are centered around sexual encounters, I am deeply uncomfortable in places that are implicitly or explicitly framed as places to meet sexual partners, and I am deeply uncomfortable in spaces that center liquor consumption, especially as a prelude to the aforementioned sexual encounters. This all means that I am excluded from the VAST majority of lesbian/SGA spaces in my city. There is ONE local group I know of [well, two, but one of my abusers hangs out at the other one] that has non-sexualized, all-ages meetups, mostly at cafes, and they happen approximately quarterly. Outside of Pride, which is a beast all to itself in terms of appropriate levels of sexuality, that means that I have access to 3-4 queer-specific events PER YEAR. How isolating is that? Hint: very. And isn’t it funny that there are multiple posts on tumblr about this very issue with hundreds of thousands of supportive notes between them, but as soon as you bring aces into it–and most of the ace people I’ve seen who are concerned about this are trans or SGA aces–it’s suddenly The Worst Idea Ever and everyone is willing throw survivors, minors, recovering addicts, sex-repulsed or celibate people, and other vulnerable trans and SGA folks under the bus as long as it keeps the aces out.  Nobody’s saying shut down all the gay bars and gay clubs and sexualized LGBT spaces. We’re saying supplement them with other, non-sexual spaces that are safe and accessible for all the members of the community.  [Oh, and, for the record? Nobody’s shitting on your right to have SGA-only spaces, either. Just stop pretending that every LGBT+ space is SGA-only, because you’re still throwing members of the community under the fucking bus just to spite aces and it’s shitty]

[blvkandasexual]

An important thing to note is that black people, more specifically black girls, are both hypersexualized and deemed disgusting at the same damn time. The jezebel stereotype, otherwise known as the idea that black women are prone to being sexually promiscuous, has been placed on us for centuries.

Black girls aren’t allowed to be asexual.

We’re supposed to have uncontrollable sexual appetites. We’re supposed to love and crave sex at all times. We’re supposed to have had tons of sexual experience from our teens on up.

Not to mention asexuality is often associated with being childlike and innocent, shy and unemotional. Traits that are obviously never associated with black girls.

[pinkfvr]

UH, this is wrong. the opposite of the jezebel stereotype is the “mammy” or the “educated black bitch”, which is still racist and highly unflattering. I get the point of this post, but that one sentence is wrong lol

[blvkandasexual]

Which sentence? I’m a little confused.

[pinkfvr]

“black girls aren’t allowed to be asexual” is kinda off. A lot of black women are frequently written off as asexual within the parameters of the “mammy” and “educated black bitch” stereotypes.

[blvkandasexual]

Oh okay! I have to agree with what @sweetbleach has written, however.

I do fully understand the whole “hypersexual or not” trope that black women deal with. However, asexuality is not the equivalent to never being portrayed as a sexual being.

Within the mammy stereotype, there is nothing there to sexualize as she’s usually seen as an advice giving mother figure. The angry educated black bitch stereotype thinks she’s too “classy” to engage in anything sexual. Asexuality is simply not experiencing sexual attraction to a specific person, not “being too good” to have sex or never showing any interest in sex. Our bodies aren’t sexually dysfunctional, and there are those all across the asexual spectrum who enjoy sex.

If a black girl were to outright say, “I am an asexual.” she would be met with more hypersexualization, acephobia, and blatant misogynoir. The idea that all black girls are supposed to love sex and are wild in bed would hang over her head.

If a white girl were to outright say, “I am an asexual.” she would be met with acephobia and misogyny of course, however the idea that a pale delicate white girl is asexual is much easier for people to wrap their heads around.

[demigrayspeaks]

So I’m not commenting on the other parts of this but I do want to respond to your definition of asexuality, Angel. Some asexuals do identify as asexual because they’re not interested in sex and/or the concept of sexual attraction is so meaningless to them that it doesn’t make sense to define their identities based on it. Asexuality is not just “no sexual attraction.” There are two good linkspams here and here which explore this further.

In addition, there are plenty of asexuals who have bodies which, most likely, the medical establishment or society would consider “dysfunctional.” Maybe they get zero pleasure from sexual touch, maybe they have vaginismus, maybe they have an intersection with a disability which causes them to identify as asexual, etc. So I’d hesitate to say that asexual bodies are sexually functional because it’s just not true.

[aceadmiral]

I got a message the other day I have no idea how to respond to. It was in response to my scattered thoughts on the depressed turnout from the last scholarship solicitation, and it said, to paraphrase, the individual did not apply because they didn’t feel “ace enough.” So I guess I finally have to cannibalize the 15 drafts I’ve started on this subject and talk about this terrible zugzwang we’re in.

Keep reading

[asexualunicorns]

well, the post has a hypothetical non-ace saying “how can someone devote their entire lives to something OTHER than sex??” which implies that the speaker *does* devote their entire lives to sex and finds it weird that aces don’t.

the hypothetical person also says “what do they do with their time, even, if they’re not fucking like rabbits or at least fantasizing about it,” where the speaker implies that they fuck like rabbits/fantasize during their free time, and can’t imagine aces doing something else.

the hypersexualization of non-aces by aces is a problem. especially because gay people, black people, etc. are already hypersexualized—the above lines are *exactly* the kind of thing people have said and continue to say about these demographics. aces shouldn’t contribute to this hypersexualization by making jokes about how non-aces think about sex all the time, are obsessed with sex, etc.

this link explains the thing about black people really well:

“as part of its dehumanizing efforts, white culture… has historically depicted black women and men as hypersexual, lustful, passionate beings governed by their genitalia. white cultural rhetoric projects black men as rapacious predators—"mandingo bucks"—and black women as promiscuous seductresses—"jezebels.” this sexualized caricature provided sufficient justification for the enslavement of black people. it also vindicated the inhumane demands of slavery, such as forced breeding. in effect, enslaved humanity was a sexualized humanity… to repeat, they were regarded as hypersexualized beasts driven by lustful desires.“

i know it seems like a harmless text post/meant as a joke, but for people who do belong to a hypersexualized demographic, it hurts to see this stuff in our own community.

I’m sorry that this post hurt you. I think it’s also notable to address that this was in no way meant to perpetuate hypersexualization of marginalized groups. This was not meant to spread racism or homophobia either. 

But this is also a problem that aces face too - the “well then what do you do then? if you don’t think about sex?” In this way neither party is completely, 100% blameless, however many are not privy to the fact that the other is hurt. 

Nobody actually thinks that non-aces obsess over sex 24/7, because that’s ridiculous, right? Of course they have other thoughts, just like aces have other thoughts than cake and world domination. It’s like saying that gay people obsess over rainbows all the time. However, the post never really implies that. It just says “people around”, not “non ace people think about sex 24/7 true fact”. 

I get that it can be unsettling to see the phrase “f*cking like rabbits” (I was a little startled too) but the intention of the post is not to spread homophobia or racism, but to address a common problem that aces face. Allosexual people do not obsess over sex all the time. Aces are not by virtue homophobic or racist. 

[demigrayspeaks]

If someone points out that something is racist or that it makes them uncomfortable you prooobably shouldn’t be defending it... Obviously people rarely intend to be racist or homophobic. It often happens by accident where well-intentioned people are involved. That doesn’t mean it’s defensible. This is like a textbook example of how NOT to make hypersexualized minorities feel safe in our community. I really think you can do better. (Link to the post in question)

[dogsaremypatronuspersonal-blog]

Me: just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean I don’t understand how sex works or think it’s weird or abnormal. 

*sees someone ask daddy to cut their food for them and then cum on them* Me: what the fuck is wrong with sexual people?

[demigrayspeaks]

You do know that some aces have kinks and enjoy BDSM too, right?

[demigrayspeaks]

Y'all ain't got nothin for me.

Awesome piece by a black woman on why she doesn’t associate herself with feminism as a movement or label.

[demigrayspeaks]

Hey. So I saw the post about the 2.7% statistic. I consider myself to be ace, and sex-favorable, but this identity is part of the reason I stopped going on AVEN. I didn't feel like I totally belonged because I was part of this small group of people with different views, and often felt out of place. I'm not sure if anyone else feels that way, I just wanted to say something here.

I often feel out of place as a sex favorable ace, so you’re not alone. There’s a lot of rhetoric about supporting sex favorable aces on Tumblr, but in reality, most aces actually are sex indifferent or repulsed (based on the AVEN Census stats). It can be isolating, but if you hunt around, you might be able to find niches, especially on Tumblr, where you’re more comfortable.