Monday January 23, 2017 2:18 AM
So I skipped my blog post last Thursday in case you didn't notice which probably no one did. I had been working a lot writing posts for our other site so when I was done the last thing I wanted to do was write more. I put it off until Thursday night and by the time I got to it I was way more than a little tipsy and I tried writing something worth reading and it was absolute shit.
I started my diet again on the 9th to lose some weight. I was at around 137 after the holidays which was ten pounds more than when we got married a year and a half ago. Along with a calorie deficit I was going to just give up alcohol. I had drunken a fair amount around the holidays, especially when hanging out with my in-laws which is super stressful and anxiety causing for me. Even when I wasn't doing anything with them and I was just hanging out at home I wanted to drink because I was still stressed out about things that had happened or while thinking about things that might happen in the future.
I didn't even last a week. I think at some point in the middle of that first week back on my diet I drank again. I factored it into my calories for the week and didn't skip any of my workouts to drink or because I was hung over but I wasn't crazy about having let myself down.
So I started a new standard that I discussed with my husband and he thought it was a good idea. Basically, I would eat about 100 calories less than my goal each day and then on the weekend to celebrate or have fun with him I would have around 600 calories I could eat or drink.
I didn't even last a week. When he went to his small group on Tuesday the 17th I drank and filmed some videos on my phone that no one will probably ever see. I don't know why but drinking when I am home alone and can kind of just do my own thing is a lot of fun for me. I actually planned on writing my post for Thursday on that day and I did not do that obviously.
On top of this, on Friday it was raining a whole lot and my brother in law called my husband and asked if we wanted to go hiking in the mountains with him and his gf. I had a bunch of work I wanted to get done but it doesn't normally rain out here so we decided to go. I don't know why but I thought we were going to be able to get to the mountain (which is about 50 min drive away) before it got dark even though my husband said it would be. I thought it would just be dusk which is one of my favorite times to hike so I was actually pretty excited. Well we got stuck in traffic and I started getting pissed cause I realized it would be pitch black and I no longer wanted to go at all.
Not to mention that my brother in law called again and said he was going to be like two hours late. I don't know why this even bothers me anymore, he is literally ALWAYS late. Like, every single time we plan something. At this point I was so over it and really didn't want to go because we went way out of our way to accommodate their schedule and then they are gonna pull this shit?
So me and my husband decided to go to Pizza Hut and get some dinner to kill time and I said I wished I had drunken before we left and he said we could fix that. We went to a liquor store and got a bottle of wine, picked up the pizza, and then headed to his parents' house to wait for his brother cause his parents live about 15 minutes away from where we were going to be going hiking.
When we got to their house we drank the entire bottle of wine while eating the pizza. His mom also suggested we make margaritas because she was going to make one for his dad later the celebrate inauguration of Trump. I think I ended up drinking two margaritas with only about a shot in each but that plus the wine got me pretty buzzed.
I was actually trying to drink as much as possible because I reeeeeaally didn't want to go on the hike at night. I have hiked at night in the rain a lot growing up in Oregon and I just didn't want to. I tried to get everyone to want to go the next day since it was Saturday but no one wanted to but me. I was miserable.
Over the last entire week I have also been pretty depressed which is pretty normal for me the week before I get my period (which I got yesterday) but it always makes me feel really bad about myself and life. I also cut again a few days ago for the first time in months. So on Friday night, on a hike I really didn't want to go, I was very buzzed and very uninterested in life.
We were looking for this waterfall that we had hiked to a couple other times but we missed the turn off on the trail for it so we ended up walking about two miles all the way up, all the way back down, and all the way up again before we found it.
Along the way I grabbed a rock, carried it in the pocket of my hoodie and scrapped it across my wrists while we walked while chanting in my mind âyou're stupid, you're worthless, you're an idiot.â
The hike wasn't that bad actually just because I was numb to my own suffering from the alcohol and we did end up finding the waterfall. It was actually really gorgeous because there was tons of water from the rain and there were mountains all around us that had snow that looked really cool. We sat by the waterfall for a while before hiking back and then driving back to my in law's house where we had left our car.
When we got back to their house I grabbed my change out of our car and me and my husband headed inside so I could change cause I was soaked from the rain while my brother in law and his gf stayed in his truck outside.
I finished changing and then my husband came in the bathroom and we were just drying off and stuff and then his brother, after having not even come inside to say his to his dad who had not been home when we stopped by earlier or hang out at all, yelled from the front door that he and his gf were going home and for us to have a good night.
Literally every time we have gotten together, just the four of us or the whole family, they leave early and will never stay later. Earlier on in the night his gf had even suggested we hit the town later after the hike and now they leave without even coming in? I was so fucking done. I didn't even say good night or yell out âbye.â If they can't bother themselves then neither will I. I had already put a ton of work into a hike I did not want to go on for the good of the group and that is how they repay my politeness? Fuck that.
My husband went out and said bye to them, I finished drying off.
Then we made two more margaritas. I was pretty buzzed all night. My husband can drink like 5 times I can of liquor so he felt fine to drive home about 2 hours later.
We got home, changed, went to bed.
Last night (Saturday) I went and got groceries and I also got spiced rum and stuff to make pina coladas. I figured my diet was already screwed from the day before and I wanted to have fun with my husband. When I got home he wanted to clean the garage so I ended up basically drinking alone. I made us tacos for dinner which we ate together and then he got back to work and I went upstairs to go on my computer in our warm office.
I made two pina coladas with about a shot of rum in each and then took at least three single shots. I still felt really bad emotionally from the previous night and was kind of lonely and really wanted to cut again.
So, I showed and after the shower I cut again. It hurt and afterwards I kind of regretted it because it is such a pain dealing with it afterwards but at the same time it felt really good.
Here is the really fun part. I didn't drink enough water while I drank last night so I had a bad hangover today plus the fact that the first full day of my period I always get really bad cramps so I have felt like complete shit almost all day and have just been laying down, dying, sleeping, etc.
Now, my brother in law's gf, lets call her Elle, cannot function without a drink. Every time we have hung out, when she is sober she hardly talks and is so awkward. Give her a drink and she opens up, talks, laughs, makes conversation, smiles, etc. It is literally like two different people. She has admitted that she gets tired of hanging around people and just wants to be alone at the end of the day, which I have totally felt, but I don't think she can even really socialize without a drink.
I like to have a drink, it makes it way easier to deal with people like my in laws that I have a really hard time dealing with so I get her. But I do not want to be her.
Alcohol is not the answer. Lately every time we have gone out with them or my parents in law, or if anyone stops by our house without warning, I take a drink... or three.
I really hate people a lot of times. I have a lot of anxiety that plagues almost my every second.
Alcohol is becoming a crutch for me to be able to function socially. The bad part though is that it also makes my self harm addiction harder to stay away from. It makes a temporary shield against the bad parts of social encounters but all the anxious thoughts are still there later and I am not developing ways to actually deal with them, I just keep running away. One of my absolute favorite, if not my number one, place to turn to when I am running is self harm and the alcohol just encourages it.
I refuse to be Elle. I think she is weak. I hate that she calls herself this great Christian and is a school counselor and yet, I believe, has an addiction to alcohol.
I cannot describe how weak I think she is. To not even be able to hang out with us, and we are pretty chill, without a drink. I hate it. I have hung out with them plenty of times sober to try and have fun It makes it feel like she really doesn't want to be with us. Not to mention as soon as she sobers up at the end of the night it is always mysteriously when she wants to go home. Everything about her seems fake right now because I don't think she has ever been 100 percent genuine with me because the only time she seems herself is when she is drinking and that is not real, I know, I do it to hide myself and yet fit in with other people better.
So, I have decided something. I am not going to drink for a whole month.
The only exception will be if my husband wants to on Valentines day but that will be it, and it will only be with him and lead by him to make sure I don't go overboard.
I am also committing to not cutting myself again. It is not worth the stress of trying to hide it and get it to heal and it does not actually solve anything long term.
While committing to these two things I am also going to actively work on my anxiety and worry workbook and actually try to move forward with my mental health like I am with my physical health.
Alcohol isn't the worse thing ever and I think I will always like drinking. But I never want to rely on it to survive a social situation, that is how problems start. I am starting to rely on it way too much. My in laws are also drinking more than they used to which is not helping me.
I am tired of hang overs, I am tired of being unable to function socially without it, and I am tired of the depression I am left with days later because of it.
I will keep notes on how my mental and physical health are progressing and hopefully over the coming weeks and months we will see a positive change!
I will continue to update at least once a week on what I am doing, what's working, how my addictions are, etc. and if this helps out anyone else then great :) Sorry if this is kinda long, I am too good at writing too many words :/
This is my war, I'm gonna fucking win it. Â Goodnight.
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