tw: disordered eating and mental health issues vent below the cut
genuinely like . okay so i don't often talk about it here beyond vagueposting but i have a huuuuge kink for food control, specifically like denial of that food. like feeling hungry turns me on for a lot of weird traumatic reasons about my childhood i needn't dive into. and i've been engaging with this about as safely as anyone can engage with a kink like that for years now, there have been times where i've lost like 10-15 pounds off my normal weight from a period of engaging with the kink but i've never felt . like this?
basically, i think it made my rather disordered habits come back (not that it isn't disordered to change your eating habits to get off, that for sure is disordered eating even if it isn't an ed but i digress) but i just feel like. bad about my body. like guilty for eating in a way i haven't in a while. idk it's just like i sat down for dinner and realized that by eating it (a very small portion of cheesy pasta) i would be going over 1200 calories i just hated myself? like i felt so guilty i felt like puking even though i was hungry and i hadn't eaten since like this morning.
i feel so fucking bad cutting things off with the dom (you all have seen how much i've enjoyed this!) but like for fuck's sake. i haven't felt this way since i was like 14 and insanely depressed. i'm starting classes up again in the fall and i have an insane workload and i have trips planned with my grandparents for the summer and i'm already dealing with so much, and to add this on top like. i genuinely dunno what to do
if you want to discuss or if you have any advice or ideas, on what i do (beyond telling him how i feel, because i already did that but due to timezones he's already offline) please reach out and dm or send an ask if you want to be anon or something (if you want to, specify if you want me to post the ask or not, as well)
