FIELD NOTES FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES

The muggles had watergate. The magical community had the hog's head scandal. The wizengamot has at last ruled to release the information passed from an unspeakable's journals to a hogsmeade barkeep. herein lie excerpts of note....

[amortentiafashion]

It’s been fab

But after 2 and a half years, I think it’s time for me to move on from this blog. I’ve created a fairly substantial archive of my vision of Harry Potter Universe fashion, and I’m gonna let this blog stand as the sum of my contribution to the fandom. While I will not be active on this blog or answering posts any longer, I will not be deleting for archive purposes.

Thank you so much to everyone who made this blog so much fun for me, especially @essayofthoughts (check out her HP blogs @themonsterblogofmonsters, @thelethifoldwitch and @wandmore), @headcanonish, @thepostmodernpottercompendium, and @departmentsofmysteries.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Huge kudos for your fabulous contribution to fandom! Everyone give @amortentiafashion the sendoff it deserves!

[departmentsofmysteries]

Agent Meridian (tussanuspostea)

Third sector, enthusiastic collector of priceless Department artifacts squirreled away and kept in desk drawers for safekeeping; notably time-turners and special-edition Stubby Boardman chocolate frog cards.

Agent Friday (221badger)

Sector eight, Herbology expert with a particular affinity for the selective breeding of hallucinogenic Bubotuber pods. World record holder for most times transfigured into a vampire bat for a single person.

Agent Salt (gonewaseverytraceofyou)

Born on Department grounds as a result of a miscalculation on the part of a very dedicated mother. Seventh sector Obliviator and Arithmancer. Capable of reciting any Millicent Bagnold political victory speech on command.

Agent Glass (az-files)

All-star Jeopardy champion as part of Undercover inquiry into Muggle sociological development. Fourth sector Magizoologist. Unique in the ability to employ multiple wands concurrently to equal result.

Agent Apollo (@iunia-kallistrate)

Eleventh sector eagle-eyed mastermind behind the foiling of the eight assassination attempt perpetrated against Cornelius Fudge. Notable for refusing to conform to standard Departmental uniform codes and turning out in floor-length ballgowns daily.

Agent Falcon (@cannotgiveafuck)

Amateur concert pianist responsible for discovering the link between rock music and fungal growth in the inner ears of Antipodean Opaleyes. Chair of the Department social activities committee running unopposed. Fifth sector potioneering prodigy.

Agent Lotus (Anonymous Ravenclaw/Slytherin)

Sector Six. Responsible for the restoration of invaluable Department Head portraits through use of oil paints mixed with Ashwinder Saliva. Inexplicably followed around at all times by three solemn-faced alligators walking on hind legs.

Agent White (@bringonthemimosas)

Champion for the cause of certification of trained Alchemists. Successfully turned lead into bronze, to slightly underwhelming acclaim. Third sector champion of break room Jenga tournament (a title likely obtained through broad cheating).

Agent Omicron (Anonymous Gryffindor/Slytherin)

Sector ten. Engineer of international Portkey web and lesser-know international swordfish jousting tourney. Wandwood historian, celebrated for surprisingly innovative ventriloquist act at New Year’s Eve parties.

Agent Sapphire (laurelynfaye)

Fifth sector. Designer of world’s most streamlined Pensieves, though some models may have a troubling tendency to overlay memories with a running loop of ABBA’s lesser-known hits. Known for slipping canary creams into every bag lunch ever brought to the Department.

Agent Eleven (mrsunderhill)

Long-time master of ceremonies for the Traveling Warlocks’ Circus, a three-ring spectacular featuring more dragon fire than sense. Recruited to the Department to outfit Norwegian Ridgeback hatchlings with body cams for a staggeringly ill-fated research project. Sector nine.

Agent Atlantis (@dragonschilde)

Third sector. Arrested for smuggling a literal boatload of erumpent horns into Britain but sprung from custody in exchange for services to the Department. Charged with cataloguing and devising fast-acting antidotes for all three hudnred and twelve types of love potions in existence for the Azkaban for Amortentia campaign.

Agent Stingray (@endoftheiine)

Sector eight. Responsible for the Department’s stealth marketing campaign to rehabilitate its image during the unfortunate era of ‘‘Dementor-friendly’‘ financial backers. Ultimately transfered to second sector to accomplish the much simpler task of repairing the unraveling space-time continuum.

Agent Bluejay (Anonymous Hufflepuff/Gryffindor)

Sixth sector. Transfigured into a hyperintelligent polar bear for the majority of contractual employment. Volunteer keynote speaker at the annual Departmental sensitivity training seminar, leading to an unprecedented eight hundred percent obvservable spike in workplace sensitivity.

Agent Echo (rjwrites22)

Sector four. Periodically undercover as international Quidditch star, a task unfit to intermingle with other duties such as dusting the Hall of Prophecy, eventually resulting in the cessation of all other Department activities so as to track down and wrangle eighteen rogue bludgers wreaking havoc with hundreds upon hundreds of glass orbs.

Agent Gamma (siriusleenott)

Sector seven. Prodigal curse-breaker and part-time opera critic. Hand-wove everyone brand new invisibility cloaks to apologize for that thing with the colony of pirrhanas in the icebox.

Agent Tartarus (@jaebird)

Sector six. Wixen viral microbiologist. Inventor of eleven new, devastating straings of Dragon Pox intended for research purposes only but ‘‘accidentally‘‘ sold by Agent Red to a multinational corporation for an exorbitant finder’s fee. Wonder what’ll happen next.

Agent Gemini (intertextualite)

Eleventh sector. Hired as a bounty hunter to neutralize seventeen disgruntled former employees who had formed a brotherhood hell-bent on terrorizing the household pets of high0ranking Ministry officials. Nine Krups, twelve Kneazles, and five Fwoopers saved from harm.

Agent Goldfinch (@notthepopeiv)

Eight sector expert on magical replication of eukaryotic cells. Also quite gifted at causing explosions. Knows the birthdays of every Professor ever employed at Hogwarts, be they spirit or being. For some reason.

Agent Oz (@daughterofwinterhell)

Poltergeist breeder, sector four. Enchanted the wallpaper in every sector to listen in on private conversations and repeat sensitive information at inconvenient intervals in a trumpeting voice, causing many inevitable Departmental tiffs to come to a head.

Agent Strawberry (airhead-td)

Sector nine, expert on human levitation without use of a wand, a skill requiring the difficult channeling of innate magical ability. Fell asleep at own desk and accidentally levitated every fragile item in the Department in an extreme case of telekinetic somnambulism, a common pitfall of the field.

Agent Candlewick (@fields-of-heather)

Sector three. Resident advisor in macro-conjuration, the extension of one’s spellwork on a very large scale. Inadvertently summoned the entirety of the Pacific ocean’s jellyfish population to the break room.

Agent Wolf (@herphantomglitter)

Seventh sector. Appeared on the cover of Witch Weekly as celebrated inventor of gravity-resistant Puffskeins developed in the Department, because someone (name starting with ‘‘A’‘ and ending with ‘‘gent Price’‘) was too busy cheering for the Tutshill Tornados to draw up the usual contractual confidentiality clause.

Agent Firefly (@karmakaze)

Sector five. Recited the cerulean speech from the Devil Wears Prada during job interview, to immense confusion. Hired on the spot. Responsible for repurposing old Alchemy equipment into time-travel friendly safety boots.

[departmentsofmysteries]

[x - written and submitted by the incredible essayofthoughts who actually took me at my word just now]

Agent Caries Field Notes Copy: March 19th, 2002

There are, at present, several theories as to the biological immortality of Lobsters. Not only are there the scientific reasons beloved of muggles (as the department was informed by an excitable Agent Epsilon several weeks ago), but there may also be some magical means.

As is well known, magical creatures - especially witches, wizards and the like - have rather extended lifespans, thanks to magic, as well as great immunity to most mundane diseases. Due to the existence of the unfortunate Mackled Malaclaw (which this Agent has had the misfortune of being bitten by before), it may not be unlikely that some Lobsters have before bred with these [curses removed] Malaclaws.

If indeed this is the case then not only would the creatures have the scientific reasons so beloved by Agent Epsilon to gird them to the passage of time, but also magical genes, to aid their aging.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Your scribe is screenshotting, consolidating, and mass-answering false identity submissions. They will be posted in batches of thirty or so, as soon as possible. In the meantime, you may distract yourselves by pondering the biological immortality of lobsters. Discuss.

[departmentsofmysteries]

[x]

Agent North Field Notes Copy: March 15th, 2002

Muggle Herbologists (Botanists, possible nonsense term) subscribe to something known as the Exorphin Theory, which states that plants may have co-evolved with humans so as to reward us for cultivating them by releasing a neurotoxin which activates pleasure centres in the brain. Some extremists even go so far as to suggest that this makes us nothing more than cattle bred by plant life so as to cultivate them and feed them once our bodies return to the ground and decay.

It has long been the observation of erudite Department Agents that magic, in its purest form, may operate much the same way. Though wixenkind has always believed itself to be the elite, chosen to manipulate the powerful forces of magic, all evidence in fact points to the fact that magic has, so to speak, been cultivating us. This is a difficult pill to swallow, one which only the most open-minded do not fear to face head on. But the fact is that, though using magic can impact the world around us, magic has its own impact upon the perpetrator. The use of certain types of spells--dark, offensive, defensive--often engenders a greater propensity to use these same types of spells again.

The learned point to this effect when attempting to explain the bursts of uncontrolled, untempered magic which have so often plagued the Commonwealth these past decades. With great abuses in magic, such as those committed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, come great consequences. Robes strangling their hapless wearers. Relatives spontaneously disappearing. Household items swelling to monstrous size and attempting to crush their owners.

Magic has teeth, and it uses them to fight back.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Sam. Ravenclaw, veterinarian in training. Well versed in the knowledge of various mythologies and magical creatures. A talent for arguing and far too preoccupied with morality and the meaning of human nature.

Agent Titan,

Inducted into the Department under false pretenses with the help of Polyjuice Potion and treacle tart. Charged with detainment of fifty runaway Augureys who organized into a highly trained aviary militia intent on taking on the Americas.

Applications for Department identities are now closed. Better luck next time. Though in the strictest sense, of course, there is no such thing as luck. Or time, for that matter…

[departmentsofmysteries]

Ravenclaw, serious to a fault, always honest, and has a penchant for uncovering the truth and facts of the matter at hand. Enjoys charmwork and enchanting. Paranoid about conspiracies. Bit of a loner bonds with few people. Respects all walks of life.

Agent Frost,

Shipped to Denmark to work undercover with a clan of revolutionary Veelas, got in too deep and returned wearing all sorts of pro-Veela pins and buttons which, to Agent Price’s dismay, gained popularity and quickly spread among the rest of the Agents. Herbology specialist and shuffled between sectors seven and eight at whiplash speed.

Applications for Department identities are now closed. Better luck next time. Though in the strictest sense, of course, there is no such thing as luck. Or time, for that matter…

[departmentsofmysteries]

What is each Sector's speciality? I assure you I'm allowed such classified information, as my lack of subtlety should make clear. Really, would someone barred be so bold? Delta will put in a good word, right?

Brazen liars are rewarded in these parts, Sunglasses.

Sector One: Realm of Head Agent Price and his deputies, Pearl and Red, where resides the infamous locked room of “Love.” Also where they keep all the best snacks in their private icebox, those bastards. Home of the wall of portraits, where you can have a rather colourful conversation with former Department Heads.

Sector Two: Realm of Agents Sparrow and Pegasus before they vanished, as well as Agents Augurey and, now, Delta. This is where you can access the Veil of Passing, Time Turners Repository, and the Hall of Prophecy.

Sectors Three to Seven: Honestly, just a minefield of claw-footed poisonous ducks and man-eating Venus flytraps. If you’ve been assigned here, it’s either because they want to test your dormant potential, or want you to die. Realm of Agents Orange, North, Swan, and October, who work primarily with brain specimens, arithmantic astronomy, and cross-species transdifferentiation by way of negligible senescence.

Sectors Eight to Eleven: Where most of the paperwork gets done, which happens to be far more respectable than all the flashy spellwork those second sector show-offs get up to, as Agents Karya, Balanos, and all their beleaguered interns will tell you. Also the site of most interrogations and training grounds for new recruits. And it’s impossible to get all of the Poltergeists out of the bathrooms, so stop asking.

Sector Twelve: Don’t go there. It’s just Agent Clove and a bunch of bric-a-brac. Not recommended unless you want to be harangued into listening to interminable I Love Lucy references and slightly offensive rants about the Weird Sisters.

Of course, the location, purpose, and configuration of the sectors changes on a daily, if not hourly basis, so the above explanation is all but worthless. Good luck!

[departmentsofmysteries]

Im a Hufflepuff(almost a Gryffindor) who likes and plays music on guitar and saxophone I take a deep interest in history and language and magical beasts

Agent Ashwinder,

Patent holder for 3D wizard’s chess. Sector six, responsible for the upkeep of all Department-owned Mandrake co-op condo boards. Still stuck with those antlers following the interdepartmental dueling bracket tournament.

Applications for Department identities are now closed. Better luck next time. Though in the strictest sense, of course, there is no such thing as luck. Or time, for that matter…

[departmentsofmysteries]

Slytherin (possible Ravenclaw hatsatall, though this may be a bluff, or a double bluff if she deems you intellectually capable). Raven patronus. Defense Against the Dark Arts prodigy (though Defense Against is not always what is most appropriate, interesting, or useful.) Obsessive in observation. Blunt. Unwonted. May appear spontaneous, though (usually) plans and plots beforehand. Lack of tolerance for anyone who doesn't think before they speak (or think) about anything she has passion for.

Agent Wasp,

Ninth sector. Knows more about ancient runes than the rest of the Department combined, and isn’t afraid to leverage said knowledge to gain advantage. Voted owner of most fashionable collection of stuffed chimera-topped hats by a landslide. Particularly adept at advanced offensive magic when a pay raise may be imminent.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Julia, Recent Hogwarts graduate, Ravenclaw, Exceeds expectations in potions,charms, defense against thedark arts and herbology Outstanding in History of Magical Society for NEWTS. Inclination for divination through dreams (as she predicted the death and birth of no less than 2 grandparents and cousins). Lives in muggle York next to a small collection of inernational wixes. Has a big interest in non anglo magic and spells.

Agent Nightingale,

Fourth sector, eidetic memory for Arithmantic configurations and always humming Hobgoblins Christmas Album under their breath while working, hands dotted with emerald ink. Terrific at coaxing Poltergeists out of the ninth sector bathroom.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Half-muggle artist and hobby naturalist with a particular interest in spiders (but with a great deal of fondness for all manner of critters and crawlies). Loves finding, catching, and sketching native wildlife. The sort of Ravenclaw who gets angry over her house being incorrectly represented with the wrong colors, or with a raven rather than an eagle. Socially anxious, but loving and friendly. Favorite tea Irish breakfast with milk, favorite dragon Welsh green, favorite candy gummy worms

Agent January,

Enthusiastic breeder of pastel Lethifolds, a useless practice but one which curiously attracted a host of grant money. Gifted at Fidelius charms and unconfined by sectors. Voted most likely to coddle you when you’re hung over at every Christmas mixer.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Slytherin graduate, bisexual/grey-aromantic. Writer and historian. Just as skilled with hexes as healing spells. Wishes she could change history to save the doomed historical figures she loves to study. Allergic to onions. Hopeless at transfiguration. Easily irritated.

Agent Valentine,

Haunted by the ghost of an irate Quidditch star, which made the job interview quite interestingly irregular. Sector seven, specializing in wrangling maladjusted Dementors who just want to pursue their photography. Never short on Goblin War trivia.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Malissa. Hufflepuff through and through. Quiet and unassuming. Lover of art and nature. Likes cooking in her spare time and will call you out on your bs in two seconds flat. Really trying to be a crazy cat lady.

Agent Helix,

Guardian of Pensieves, tenth sector. Impeccable attendance record, never late once, until it was ascertained that the reason might be they were kipping on a cot in the solar system room. What? It’s pretty. And there was always a fresh pot on in the morning…

[departmentsofmysteries]

Send in a brief line about yourself and you will be given an Agent name and security clearance.

There’s been a security breach. I don’t want to get into it or name names (AGENT RED) but the Ministry is up in arms about “thousands of bloody Muggles” knowing “all our bloody secrets.” Given that the Hog’s Head Scandal files were intended for wixen eyes only…

Therefore, I will have no recourse but to pull off the most ambitious cover-up of all time (what else is there to do when one works for the Department, anyhow?) and alter Ministry bylaws so as to make the induction of all this blog’s followers allowable ex post facto. Which means I need to make it appear as though you’ve all been hired as temporary freelancers at one time or another. The plan is brilliant, I know.

Just owl us a brief description of yourself. Hogwarts house, favorite power ranger, and such. And you will be assigned a covert identity and Department sector.

Cheers,

Your faithful scribe.

PS: Blacklist “red’s mistake” to avoid participating. If, you know, you’d like to spend the rest of your life in Azkaban. The choice is yours.

[departmentsofmysteries]

Over one hundred requests have come in, which I fear will strain the Ministry’s credulity. Therefore this project will be closed at 6pm CMT today. You have until then to put in for a fraudulent persona. Any requests received past this point will be deleted (by vengeful ghosts who know your name and social security number). Thank you for your participation!

[departmentsofmysteries]

[x]

Agent Orange Field Report Copy: March 14th, 2002

Misbehaving wixen children are often sent to bed with tales of the Giant Cemetery. According to legend, during the reign of Gellert Grindelwald, countless Norwegian Giants were slaughtered and their skulls mounted upon door frames as a symbol of wealth and position. The bodies were unceremoniously dumped in pits near a mountain range inaccessible to Muggles. (Tangentially, none of the European Ministries has ever paid reparations to the Giant Clans affected.)

Although it is well known that Giants do not produce ghosts, beleaguered parents have been known to threaten to send their children off to the Giant Cemetery to sleep in the midst of Giant spirits.

The Ministry has received a tip that the infamous Red Viper [1] has been spotted in the Norwegian mountain range in question. Rumors abound, each more outlandish than the next, from reports that the Viper has taken to dancing jazz duets with Giant Skeletons to claims that she has stolen a wixen wand and is somehow using it to raise a Giant army. The Department has taken jurisdiction of the matter at the Norwegian Minister’s request, as his Agents are currently busy dealing with a mass breakout from a seaside Dragon Preservation Habitat.

[1] See Agent Red’s report for more.

[departmentsofmysteries]

The distribution of falsified identities will resume tomorrow.

When I get off work and/or am no longer in the process of being handcuffed by a very miffed looking Auror with a jack-o-lantern for a head.

Many thanks for your enthusiasm. The requests have been overwhelming. No really, don’t you all have better things to do?