Odious

Let them eat cake.

[depress-ed-me]

tempted to drink something that induces vomiting so I can tell work I'm vomiting without lying so I don't have to go to work today and fuuuuuuuuuuck

[depress-ed-me]

you know what we should stop making?

people.

we should stop making people.

[depress-ed-me]

so G is said to return to the country tomorrow and back to work on Monday. I bet he makes an appearance before that tho.

people in the office have said what a great job I have done etc etc and that they want it to continue...

things G will shit on when he gets back:

-me not taking AL

- labour costs being too high

- stock levels on things in 502

- cleanliness of 50

- everything in 502

- all of the new menu items (which he will stop immediately)

- will grill me on what I have been doing all the days we haven't been open and how none of it was necessary and that I should have let E and S do it all and just taken my AL

- will again go back to rostering me to clean 502 and not let me do anything palace related

- won't let me do anything in general that might put me in a good light

- will again talk me down to H and be straight back into making me feel worthless and wanting to quit so he doesn't have to ever give my money back. Would 100% actually want me to die to avoid it.

oh and lol, I'm out of meds so he may actually fucking win

[depress-ed-me]

dm is still overseas

have been spending time working alongside gm in regards to some menu changes, packaging options and the like. tho i feel like i am just the information gofer and she will take all the glory in the end, no matter how much credit she is giving me in the moment.

I pitched a rainbow cookie to her and she said that it would be a great addition to an upcoming pride event, but then went silent and today told me it wasn't happening, but without any context. my theory is either they don't want to pay me any extra and think that if I bake cookies, i might be entitled to more money or something, or maybe there was a hair in the cookie, or it made someone sick. I dunno, overthinking every possibility. She also alluded to dm returning next week, which sets off a whole other wave of anxiety.

other people in the office laughed and cringed at the thought of his return (nobody likes him)

He'll come in and be nice for a couple of weeks and then shit on everything I have done, finding every single fault he can to make me again feel worthless and I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with it

almost out of meds, scared to go back to doctor as he once again threatened therapy and tbh the meds didn't feel like they were doing a hell of a lot (besides making me fat) but am feeling more anxious and self harmey and s'cidal this week and just fuck

at least let me lose weight before I die

[depress-ed-me]

can feel every single inch of fat on my body tonight and I want to rip it from my bones with my bare hands

[depress-ed-me]

Sir David Attenborough is truly one of the only humans I can think of who I could have aspired to live like. Happy 100th birthday to a magnificent human being. One of a kind.

"We moved from being a part of nature to being apart from nature.”

[depress-ed-me]

Need to dump here before I feel the need to dump on twitter where I thought I'd made friends but they all got tired of my misery. I don't blame them, if I could get away from myself I fucking would too.

I have almost enjoyed my job the last month or so with my dm away. He's so toxic and not one person in the office is struggling or sad that he has been away (because of owing people money karma)

I have a really bad feeling tho, that he will come back and it will be back to the way it was before and I will no doubt plummet back into the depths of despair and no longer being medicated because my doctor threatened me with therapy so I can't go back will probs wanna kms and actually go thru with it this time

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

[depress-ed-me]

had a weird day

felt okay when I woke up and went to work

felt deflated after one conversation with OM and spent the next 3 hours staring at my computer, doing stuff but can't remember.

had chats with people I like, who in turn got in trouble for being in my office space for too long

had to fake it with the GM making stuff we said we'd do together and not ask all the questions I know she wouldn't answer (nacho/dm/om/iykyk)

was going to do pride project when i got home but ran out of spoons so opened a bottle of wine and now... physical pain to dull psychological pain

least one of them I can control

dm is still "stuck" in Singapore. seems he owes a lot of other people money other than myself and thinking about it makes me wanna kms but I'm weak so whacking the fuck out of myself until i pass out will have to do tonight

so fucking grateful I kept tumblr, at least I don't feel like people are laughing at me in private group chats like they do on twitter

[depress-ed-me]

bruising again

way too old for this shit

literally the only thing keeping me together atm

[depress-ed-me]

holy shit I haven't used this in forever and I looked back to when I last posted here and realised I am probably going to be depressed forever. I can't even work up the courage to end it and twitter has abandoned me and I once again have no one to talk to.

[depress-ed-me]

My arms are covered in bruises.

Bruises don't leave scars.

[depress-ed-me]

If I should die before I wake,

I don't give a fuck about the rest.

Please let me die in my sleep tonight.

[depress-ed-me]

People are sad when someone they love dies, no matter how old they are or how it happens. Why prolong the inevitable?

[depress-ed-me]

[depress-ed-me]

blank slate here but i kinda want to die

[depress-ed-me]

I had a conversation with a higher up manager today about being forced to take a certain number of days annual leave. In the conversation I was told that I needed to work on myself and just be more smiley and less grumpy. I said I was working on it and medicating. The response was "a lot of us have stuff going on"

Valid point, but don't say it when someone is reaching out for a lifeline

[depress-ed-me]

Something I can't stop thinking about is a conversation I had with GG before she took her own life, that I didn't think much of at the time but it keeps going round and around in my head. She sent me a link to a spreadsheet she'd made at work to list ALL the things people were responsible for ordering. I told her it was a good idea, but I had way too many things to put on her list. I told her I put the ones I needed from her. She said I should put absolutely everything down, "Just in case you're not here one day" this was 2 weeks before she did it and I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the signs. I can't stop thinking "did I know that was a sign at the time or am I just thinking about it now she's gone?"

I pushed thru on Friday - Tuesday to keep out of my own thoughts. I spent Wed and Thur thinking about it. They (upper management) cleaned out her desk on fucking Tuesday. Fucking Tuesday.

I have so many thoughts in my head that GG might have had in her reasons to kill herself that involve the workplace that I will never be able to share with anyone at work.

Everyone at work (not everyone) has gone back to "normal" I was tasked today to send out an email to my department to let people know about the memorial that will be held for her on Tuesday. My direct supervisor should have done it, he didn't care about her.

Her family are raising money for "It's okay not to be okay"

I'm not fucking okay.

She went to the ER the night before she did it, reaching out. I don't know what the circumstances were, or what she told them, but they sent her home. They fucking sent her home and now she's dead and I am always going to be sad about that.

Today would have been her 28th birthday.

Fuck.