Of love, cigarettes and other drugs

A veces no sé y a veces tampoco. Escribo las palabras que no me puedo fumar. Su nombre, por ejemplo.

[depressedat25]

I just broke up with my boyfriend. I feel stupid and ashamed. I wish there could be a way to numb all of this. This feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I don’t know how I will make it. I feel like I’m not myself anymore. I am not with him and suddenly the world feels bigger - in a bad way. Like, I feel overwhelmed by the amount of thoughts in my head. It’s stupid because I plan on not eating. I literally feel like I should take it out on my body. I’m so disappointed in myself. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself because of that decision.

[depressedat25]

So I started crying

Insomnia reminds me

That I'm the weakest person in the room.

So I started crying

And reminded myself

Of all the little things

I left unsaid.

The night I swore I would stop

The last time I chose myself

The day you knew I was gone for good.

I am the weakest person tonight

Because tomorrow I will reinvent myself.

Yes, I will declare

That I am born again.

That I won't do it again.

So I started crying

Again

For all those little times

I misplaced my sanity

For all those little lines

I always end up crossing.

Depression. The curve at the end of the route.

I started crying because that is what people do when they are depressed.

Kind like talking to yourself about yourself.

Psychosis.

Desperately clinging, like the last autumn leaf before winter arrives.

Snow, so very white and pure.

A cue laugh at the irony.

So I started crying

Quickly remembering

How much I'm going to hate myself in the morning.

[depressedat25]

I've built a house with glass walls in a world full of words that hit like stones.

From my list of broken dreams

[depressedat25]

Maybe we are all /

Like the leaves in october /

Losing brightness /

With every passing day.

Maybe we are all /

Like autumn leaves /

Dead on the spot /

But waiting for the perfect breeze /

To send us into freefall.

[depressedat25]

I don't know how to love you

How to see you / without crying

An inner cry / a feeble attempt

At grasping your beauty / your endless

Sweetness / the stroke of your hand

Against mine / that has never happened.

I don't know how to love you

And the wild thoughts / and the dull lust

Keep picturing / your perfect-picture-frame

Smile / the way your eyes laugh when you say my name

Truthfully, I count all the years / life miles

We are up against / and I can help but love

The idea of you / impossible / unreachable

Like the sun setting in the horizon

Which keeps repeating / but you could swear

It happens / once in a life time.

[depressedat25]

sometimes I think about killing myself.

[depressedat25]

Of broken pieces

You know you are broken when your insides hurt but your face is smiling. How long ago it seems you were trully happy, Almost a life time ago. I am broken because I won’t break the pattern, I still choose cheap sex over a good night sleep, and would still have my drink Rather than deal with my thoughts in sobriety, I am broken in tiny pieces and strokes of gray that don’t really make sense. I am art, but only for six hours. The rest of the day I despise it It takes me forty seven minutes to forget that quote I swore would make the day different. I am broken because I am human, or at least that is what they say. Because of my choices, because the second drink tastes even better, because the sex is not worth it but eases the pain. I play with the pieces of my broken self because I love puzzles, and in fact, enjoy the feeling of cutting myself with their edges, as to remind myself that to bleed is to be alive.

[depressedat25]

Like a third wheel

I cry because I feel sad and sad has nothing to do with being poetic. I'm disappointed in life In you, in us, That two letter word that still gives me nightmares. I roll around Like a third wheel Trying hard not to get Sucked into that void You left when you Didn't even bothered To say goodbye.

[ink-trails]

There are enough stars in your eyes to form galaxies but here you are crying over the girls and boys and other spiteful kids who broke your heart–darling listen to me, you mean more to this world than they will ever  comprehend because you are absolutely magnificent; you’ve got moons in your palms and the sun in your smile, you control the gravity around you, darling you make the tides turn and you are your own beautiful world– just because some people don’t understand space, doesn’t mean you should let them bury you in hatred.

Don’t let them take over your universe (via ink-trails)

[braveneworldballads-blog]

Me pregunto qué hace la gente cuando no la vemos. Me pregunto qué dice la gente cuando no escuchamos. Me pregunto dónde va la gente que despedimos. Me pregunto qué deseos guardaste entre tus sueños, Me pregunto qué palabras escondiste entre tus labios, Me pregunto qué sentimientos tenés a mis espaldas. Me pregunto si al ver en mis ojos entendiste.

[depressedat25]

Me quiero morir.

[depressedat25]

Of rum and love and love that's gone

It's past my bed time I'm home alone, I think of us And our stupid song; Tried to hold back the tears But gave in to my fears, The soundtrack I always play I fall in love, they go away. I see myself as light, Night can be dark, but I am so bright. Lie to myself, how pathetic To think that these words are ever poetic. The pain feels good, The rum is gone, Half- felt smile, Our love is done.

[steeped-in-ink-deactivated20191]

Advice to my brother who just graduated high school

Alcohol is not your friend. I promise you, brother, it is not a wish granter, not a dream come true. It is a nightmare that pours out of me while awake, That fermented sweat like the remnants of a paper mill, the trees screaming, the rain and thunder blocking out their (my) cries. I’m sorry, but the poison doesn’t feel as warm in the morning as it does at night.

I have thought about dying quite a bit. I think that only happens more as you get older, but what I mean is that I thought about what would happen if I took too many pills. Sometimes I wanted to hallucinate a happier life, other times I wanted to die, and I know we don’t talk that much, but trust me when I tell you, you can’t just talk to yourself, you will drown as your mind constantly throws dunk tank baseballs at that button, again and again, and you won’ t get a break, my friend, you won’t.

I apologize that this shitty advice is all I know. I know nothing of sex, only of love, know nothing of ambivalence, only of passion, and I’m sorry that this is all I have. This is all we have.

-ANF

[meladoodle]

I’m in a very long distance relationship with the moon

[depressedat25]

Before you, my own light was dying, slowly but steadily. Before your words, there were just memories empty, on the verge of being forgotten. Before your hands, there was only desire and anxiety wrapped in tears. Before your kisses, there was a drought that burned every inch of my mountains and valleys. Before you, the world knew no rainbows but only a tattered shade of grey.

[depressedat25]

That's how you get the boy

You want to kiss my body, But I'm just looking for someone to hug my soul.

[ink-trails]

Before I fell in love with you, my heart was small and blue. I had fallen and bruised and I had gambled just to lose, I had wasted my love on those who only knew how to say my name with a bitter aftertaste from a bad one night stand and I had torn everything warm out of my  chest and replaced it with stones just to feel something there but you– you took away the wall that those rocks had formed and you put a beating heart back where it belonged and my life has never had a greater purpose than it does with you.

Before you, love came in the shape of strangers and booze (via ink-trails)

[depressedat25]

Untitled

Loving you is awful is waking up without you at my side; it's bitter, like green tea with no sugar; Loving you is painful, means picking on a wound over and over again; it's eternal, struggling to breath and not cry your name; it's walking on the street without holding your hand; Loving you is impossible, like building our castle with the ashes of my burnt heart; it's delusional, Loving you is pointless, like standing under the rain and expecting not to get wet, it's spilling out words as if they somehow showed the way home.