I wonder what it feels like to be normal. To wake up without that heavy feeling in your chest that never seems to go away. To look forward to tomorrow instead of feeling dread wash over you. To be able to go a day without feeling like utter shit because of something as minimal as not being able to manage your emotions. But most of all I wonder what it feels like to be able to be honest with yourself and not look at yourself as a disappointment. For as long as I can remember, my confidence was overshadowed by the dark cloud of insecurity that always seemed to follow me around. I could never get rid of it, and to this day it’s still there. Sometimes it lingers in the back of my mind long enough to forget that it’s there, albeit only for a few moments. When this happens, I function as well as can be expected. I become a little more content with the world around me. I am able to have semi-proper conversations with the people in my life and don’t dwell on the future as much. It becomes easier to carry the weight of my dark thoughts. But good things never seem to last. The dark cloud comes back in the most inappropriate of times, like when I have something important happening the next day and it’s 1:40 in the morning. It’s nights like those that always ruin me. The darkness surrounds me, it seeps into my bones and from the inside out it consumes me. The silence is deafening. Thoughts of not being good enough, of not being beautiful enough, of being a disappointment, wreak havoc in my brain. And it takes everything in me to be able to get through those hours of desperation. When I wake up, it usually is 10 to 12 hours later with a raging headache and swollen eyes. It’s another day of the same cycle, I put on a facade and go about my day. People might ask if I didn’t sleep well, but I’ll brush it off as stress from school or home. On the inside, I’m screaming at them to notice that it’s a blatant lie but I could never speak my truth out loud. The fear of people not caring is what holds me back and binds me to the confines of my mind. I get lost within myself.
1:40 A.M.