For Our Sanity

Life is a labyrinth, trail and error is our only guide, every mistake begets wisdom, and every step of progress is a triumphant victory against circumstance

[dermondor]

How many times am I gonna have to go to the ER in my life before someone can figure out exactly whats wrong. I'm soo tired of seeing doctors only for them to tell me the same general diagnosis and the same generic "pop Advil till it goes away" treatment.

[dermondor]

On this episode of "Trainwreck: a Dermond Story"

Our hero discovers that he seems ineffibly attracted to people who are either already taken or emotionally unavailable.

[lovemeorlovemycloset]

open and raw communication with your partner may be uncomfortable and feel so ugly and vulnerable but it solves soo many problems in the end

[hellfresh]

The idea that was sold to us of "love is effortless and you should communicate telepathically with your partner" is false. Love is awkward as hell. It's A LOT of straight up talking and realization of your self - your own needs. It's important to make those needs heard. Do not deny yourself full love

[sylviaplathstypewriter-deactiva]

that idea robs us of so much intimacy, the intimacy that comes with honesty and vulnerability and being known.

[dvnsart]

[dermondor]

24

I sit here on my existence’s anniversary with months of growth and change at my back years of promise and potential ahead of me I feel embraced by the affection of those i cherish This love is the greatest thing I can ask for For no gift could match the fact that they are present.

[dermondor]

Life just seems to get harder and harder... Thank god, I have a few good people in my life. 

[glittergluekintsugi]

not to be dramatic on main but this is the peak of my artistic career and that’s that

(100% inspired by this post)

[dermondor]

You ever just want to talk to a person, but you’ve felt like you expended your ability to reach out to people for a little while?

[dermondor]

Never beg for someone’s presence in your life. Relationships of all kinds, be they familial, platonic, or romantic, are acts of sharing the precious gift of your life with another. If someone doesn't appreciate that gift, they are undeserving of it. 

[dermondor]

At what point does the extenuating circumstances stop and the blatant ghosting begins? How consistently does one need to be ignored and then forgotten about before they should start taking it personally? Asking for a friend. 

[dermondor]

Patience

There stands a brilliant monument of virtue Pitted against the elemental forces of uncertainty Worn and withered by waves of apprehension Scoured by scathing squalls of doubt Frustration and unease punctuate the hollow rhythm of the meandering, inexorable march of time.  The Keeper watches solemnly atop his tower. Moments stretch into millennia, while only seconds pass Armed with only his will of stone, and faith as his mortar The Keeper silently, but deliberately performs his labor.

[along-the-meadow-path]

Studio Ghibli + Running Water

[radiantbabey]

i wish people (even in the mental health field) would acknowledge that trauma doesn't necessarily have to be an extreme, earth shattering horrifying event in order to affect us. we forget that we are gentle animals. have you ever stopped to think that maybe you being picked last for kickball every time was traumatic? have you thought about the fact that you internalized false messages that you aren't good enough, you aren't athletic, you aren't desirable because of moments like that? nobody acknowledges that seemingly insignificant points in our lives like this in childhood development can be traumatic! and so we grow and we live our whole lives with these ideas in our heads and they aren't recognized because maybe they aren't "shocking enough" to be treated, maybe they aren't taken seriously. but they should be. they really really really need to be.

[scoutbert]

I experienced psychosis. This is what I want people to know.

TW: talks of mental illness, mention of suicidal thoughts/ideation.

I don't really talk about this that much because there is SO much stigma and misinformation. Like so bad. And it's really personal and I feel like people get shit on for talking openly about it "too much" or whatever. But I have experienced psychosis and occasionally I get some symptoms of it. Most people hear "psychosis" and immediately think of something like a naked man running around in public, or someone wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the government out of their brain. While those things can and do happen, that's more of a generalized stereotype. Experiencing psychosis is NOT the same as having schizophrenia; psychosis is a symptom rather than an illness. Psychotic episodes may last a few hours or several weeks. Below I have a list of some experiences people who are psychotic may experience. The parts in asterisks are those I have firsthand experienced.

Behavioral: aggression, agitation, *disorganized behavior*, hostility, *hyperactivity*, hypervigilance, lack of restraint, nonsense word repetition, persistent repetition of words or actions, *repetitive movements, restlessness, self-harm*, or *social isolation*

Cognitive: belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren't one's own, *confusion, difficulty thinking and understanding, disorientation, false belief of superiority, memory loss, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, thought disorder, thoughts of suicide, or unwanted thoughts*

Mood: anger, *anxiety, apathy, excitement, feeling detached from self, general discontent, limited range of emotions, loneliness, or nervousness*

Psychological: *depression, fear, hearing voices*, manic episode, *paranoia, persecutory delusion*, religious delusion, or *visual hallucinations*

Speech: deficiency of speech, *excessive wordiness*, incoherent speech, or *rapid and frenzied speaking*

Also common: *nightmares* or tactile hallucination

Most likely, someone who is in psychosis is NOT VIOLENT OR A THREAT. People with mental illness are as likely to be violent or criminal as neurotypical people. Most aggression stems from the beliefs of being persecuted or confused and disoriented.

When I was 15 I had an acute psychotic episode. I was hearing 2 voices, both of which basically kept telling me to kill myself whenever I was near something I could harm myself with. Walking over a bridge, near a highway/train tracks, cutting food, shaving, etc. I had nightmares every night about being chased and hunted by the mundane people in my life- teachers, doctors, family, friends. My grades plummeted at school because I barely knew what was going on. I had few friends. It was terrifying and lonely. I went to Butler Hospital (inpatient) and was stabilized but over medicated. Seroquel. Terrible drug. Killed the voices but made me gain a lot of weight and fall asleep constantly in public. I stopped taking it because I became convinced my doctors were part of a gigantic corporate scam to poison my "brilliant mind" specifically to stop me from being a whistleblower, a savior of the people so to speak. I am mostly stable now.

Lately I have been having a *few* symptoms. Mild ones- mild enough I have insight that I am experiencing them, rather than not having insight and being duped by the symptoms. I believe these are the product of certain substances I use recreationally. As a result, I am going to stop doing them.

The reason I wrote this post is because I am starting to realize sometimes the people around me might notice some of these behaviors from me. I may say things that don't make sense, only have "loose associations" to the conversation, talk too fast, too much, or use too many words to get a relatively simple point across. Or even fail to get a point across. I may not hear you at all, I may look like my brain is a thousand miles away, I might say strange things. You may notice me "zoning out" but I may be focusing on a subtle hallucination, which consists of psychedelic-looking overlay on normal items such as geometric figures, or warping of figures. I may seem nervous or fidgety/make repetitive movements like rocking. I might laugh inappropriately (when something isn't that funny or doesn't make sense to be laughed at) or have a lack of appropriate emotional response to certain things (not crying to very sad things, or being very emotional/angry over very little things.) Some of these are cross-occurring due to being depressed and having PTSD.

I want the people in my life to know I'm not a danger to them. I am in counseling, I'm on medications, I know when it's time to seek a higher level of care (hospitalization.) I ask for empathy, understanding, support and most importantly, your patience. I'm still the same Scout. All these things have affected my life for 5 years and I barely told anyone. In fact I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this didn't know most of this about me.

I really need people to educate themselves on this because the media is full of horseshit. It is a disgusting lack of truth and rife with stereotypes/misinformation. I also request that er stop throwing the words "psycho" and "delusional" around as insults to people we don't like/disagree with because it furthers the stigma and reutilizes the MEDICAL language so important to my life. I see everyone calling for people to be more sensitive about saying they're "so bipolar/OCD/ADHD" as casual adjectives rather than tangible disorders and also call for that same energy to be applied to things such as psychosis/mania/etc.

If anyone has any questions please PM me privately. Thanks.

[dermondor]

Rant: MAB,”Mutually Assured Benevolence”

I wouldn’t consider myself a innately distrustful person. On the contrary, I think that I, generally speaking, try my best to believe each person you meet and interact has a decent sense of basic human regard. However, I do find myself getting caught up questioning the intentions of others when they interact with me, and how those intentions relay their general regard for me.  We live in a world where it is expected that you should be nice to others. I’ve always agreed with the notion that you should treat others in the way you expect to be treated. It’s kinda like a benevolent inversion of mutually assured  destruction. Instead of all parties threatening destruction on each other to avoid destruction, it more like all parties enforcing cordiality on each other to avoid the absence of cordiality. While this “mutually assured benevolence” maintains an order of sorts, much like it’s more hostile cousin, it is still subject to similar failings. It creates a sort of social “Cold War” between almost all of our interactions with one another, where subterfuge is the name of the game. We rarely ever show our real beliefs and there is a disconnect between our intentions and our actions.  Yeah, sure this really isn't REALLY a new concept. People have been struggling with the notion of the widespread obfuscation of true intentions since man first began to think about how we think. Whether or not this is a problem to be solved, or a simple by-product of human psychology is not the matter of debate here for me. I am just wondering what can be done to better deal with being surrounded by well intentioned dishonesty, because frankly I find it exhausting. I find myself surrounded by so many wonderful people and rarely am I ever treated with any form of outward contempt. However, it is difficult for me to determine if someone is being “nice” to me because genuine positive regard or  the social duress of MAB. I want to think the former, but when I observe certain trends in my interactions with certain people, I can’t help but doubt where their heart actually lies.  When I see behaviors like non-committal responses, lack of any apparent interest in my endeavors, one sided effort in initiating contact on my part, constant ignored texts, and dropped or avoided plans, and empty promises it really brings into question how much someone actually cares about you. While I understand we are all human, and we all have done some or all of these to someone we have cared about at some point. At what point do these behaviors stop being just incidental occurrences and and at what point do they the start becoming indications of a lack of genuine affection. I have absolutely no idea.  My intent for this rant is two fold: Catharsis and to spark discussion. So I REALLY want to know what people think. Is this idea of Mutually Assured Benevolence more harmful than it is helpful? Is there some merit in obfuscating our true feelings? Do you think it is a necessary evil or can we actually gain something by being more honest with our feeling with one another? At what point do instances of mildly socially apathetic behaviors stop being incidental and start being indicative? 

[dermondor]

Hey, its been a while

Do I still even have any followers?

[anancientheart]

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[anancientheart]

whenever i post this it works  reblog if u want to feel good things & the universe will bring u something sweet