Designated Diva

Sorry that my posts are borderline trashy and extremely bitchy. By sorry I mean "You're Welcome." twitter ~ @designatedddiva

[designateddiva-blog]

More Things I Hate

Yesterday I awoke from my 6 pm nap to find an envelope on my bed with my name on it. I was first intrigued, but then noticed my mother's stationary (personalized with our last name and family portrait....) and realized I wasn't being black mailed or anything interesting. I opened it up to find a detailed questionnaire about my favorite things and memories about each family member. After throwing up, I bit the bullet and filled it out. Anyway, this got my thinking about everything I hate. Which, you should know, is most things.

1) howitfeelstobeglutenfree's tumblr Not sure who this girl is, but from what I've gathered she can no longer eat gluten and all she does is bitch about it. She has one of those tumblrs with just gifs showing her reactions. Gluten girl is a drama queen and a half and every time I try and search for gifs this girl crying over her subpar dietary restrictions pops up.

She uses this gif to describe how her insides feel when eating gluten...Like bye.

2) Grey Leggings NO ONE and i mean no one looks good in grey leggings. They cause a perpetual cameltoe and innocent people should not be subjected to that. I understand if you want to be comfy and look like shit and wear leggings but PLEASE PLEASE just get black. The observant critical bitches of the world thank you in advance. If you own them do not take this personally, but do throw the leggings away.

3) People Who Think Anyone Cares About Their Grades I don't give a shit if you got all A's, neither does anyone else following you on twitter. Your mom is the only one that cares and if she is allowed to follow you on twitter you have other problems. I may be bitter because I got bad grades this semester, but irregardless what makes you think I care? I only want to see drunk tweets, twitter fights, and Scott Disick's biweekly selfies. NOT your grades, thank youuuuu.

[designateddiva-blog]

3 Lies That Are Okay To Tell In A Bar

1) "I've never tried ____ " Whatever drink your victim is holding on to is fair game. When they tell you what they're drinking, you obviously lie and say you've never tried it. Why? Because they feel the need to buy it for you, duh.

2) "What boyfriend?" I totally like my boyfriend and everything, but if I'm trying to sucker some poor guy into buying me a drink...talking about him/his existence is not going to get the job done. It's okay to lie about being single as long as you get the fuck out of there after you have the drink in hand. I usually say I have to go throw up so I can escape AND they have no desire to come after me. Mission accomplished.

3) Ridiculous Lies Ridiculous lies are always okay. I can't tell you how many people I've told that I'm on the cast of Breaking Amish and it's my first night away from cameras. Or that I'm a trust fund baby. Or I was a basketball player in the junior Olympics. Or that I'm celebrating my 14th bday (this is funny because than they feel sooo pedophile-ish). If you ever see these people again and they remember, you look like a psycho. But then you just lie again and tell them they're wrong. It is a vicious, but entertaining cycle.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER https://twitter.com/designatedddiva

[letsgetrealaboutit]

my thrill about designateddiva following me

This deserves a whole post because I have been reading this girls blog for a while now and I literally think we would be best friends if I met her, her stories sound so familiar to mine and shes fucking hilarious! I aspire to be her so I would go read her blog, like right now and i promise you will be laughing your ass off.

[designateddiva-blog]

i have a fan

[designateddiva-blog]

I aspire for my blog to be as funny as yours! You are hilarious

[designateddiva-blog]

3 Things I Will Never Understand

After a weekend of extreme studying and more extreme napping, I've accepted I'll never understand oxidation reactions, tangent lines, or how anyone can study successfully without a snuggie. Anyway, this made me think of everything else I don't get.

1) Wearing Red Lipstick This is stupid… I understand people want to look like celebs but this is overboard. Red lipstick is going to make you look pale and more importantly like a serious douche. Warning: this is especially offensive if paired with a middle part (or worse...faux leather leggings)

2) The Art Of The Accidently On Purpose Text I've accepted this is one skill I'll never have.I used to do this shit all the time and thought I was a genius. I would send a completely random text to whatever boy i was stage 5 stalking. They would text back and say what? (or they would just not respond, making me feel like flinging myself out of the window) and I’d be all "Oh wow sorry this is sooooo awkward but I meant to send that to my friend! But how are you its been FOREVER." sooooo smooth right? but not really cause they all knew …….. kill me.

3) My Ethnicity  I remember meeting my first Jew. She was sitting in the pre-school carpool van. I could tell she was cool/worthy of my time by the fact that her and her American girl doll (Josephina–who was not one of the popular ones, but she could make it work) were dressed in matching outfits. Anyway, i thought she was really cool and my mom later explained to me she was a Jew. From then on, every Jew I met I loved. I have three favorite compliments 1) you have nice nails (cause i don't) 2) you have good hair (i think i do) 3) you look Jewish (because i want to be). some people ask me WHY i love Jews/want to be one really bad but i don't have an answer. But, I do know that i was supposed to be Jewish and something got messed up somewhere.

[designateddiva-blog]

Shoutout To My Lithuanian & Polish Readers

but who are you and exactly how much time do you have on your hands

[designateddiva-blog]

The Biggest Assholes of 2012

As 2012 comes to a close, I think it is important to address all of the people who have been total idiots this year.

1) Lindsay Lohan She has made my annual mental asshole list since she wore these awful tacky square-shaped hoops in Mean Girls. It should come as no surprise that she has once again been a total psychopath in 2012. Naturally, she is the only famous person (except Abby from Dance Moms) that I follow on twitter. As if her live tweeting the presidential debate was not enough, she also weighed in on hurricane Sally aka Sandy. Her twitter is prime literature, hands down.

2) Scott Disick He has really come into his own this year on Keeping up with the Kardashian's. Routinely referring to himself as "lord" or "daddy," he obviously made the cut. He sucks soooo bad but he's kinda hot and is the only person besides Khloe and baby Mason with a brain on that show.

3) People From My High School I don't want to name any specific names, because being bitchy is obviously not in my nature. Some people CONVENIENTLY forget they had a child at the respectable age of 15. Some people feel the need to weigh in on the devastation of our society and the destruction of America's sexually active youth. Well SOME PEOPLE can shut the fuck up and stop wearing fugly cheetah fedoras (and maybe start wearing some braces).

4) Pat Young Local celeb, bellybutton ring thief-at-large, and hearse snatcher are just some of the phrases thrown around to describe him. It's no surprise that the overnight success of his single "Cereal Time in my House" forced him in to the public eye. His most notorious antic involved the grand theft auto of a local funeral home's hearse. His significant other (who he has also stolen-from me), Connor Mccoy, declined to comment on the incident. His long list of burglaries justifies him being on this year's asshole list.

5) More People From My High School

....... dream big, Kell High School, dream big.

[designateddiva-blog]

An Inconvenient Truth: A Blog On Everything You're Wrong About

Well........ 3 inconvenient truths. I just wanted to play off on the name/make fun of Al Gore a little bit.

1) Shark Week= Overrated I like to consider myself an animal rights activist, so obviously I'm all over this redhot issue. I don't even begin to understand the sudden fascination that conveniently only appears when shark week airs. No one cares about them the rest of the time. Also, I think it's unfair for the rest of the animal kingdom. Why don't they get a week for people to pretend to care about them? I feel like TLC could totally hone in on yet ANOTHER opportunity for quality television and one up Discovery Channel. My suggestion to you geniuses over there would be "Lhasa Apso Week." Preferably starring my angel and best friend, Sonny. So, your move TLC, your move.

2) Unique Doesn't Always Mean Cool I might blind side you with this...but there IS a reason you are the only one with those straight across bangs. Like yes, they are different. Cool? That is a negative, Ghostrider. It's totally fine to be "different" but don't think you're cool for wearing those overalls or wearing a fedora or whatever.

3) Your Color Contacts I love Asians. In fact, I totally wated to be Korean in fourth grade. However, I have an issue with the Asians that wear blue color contacts. I am not sure who you thinking you are fooling, but it surely isn't me.

[designateddiva-blog]

You are a terrible person and I hate you. How can you not like Jack Black? Do you have no sense of humor, or no soul? And how can you possibly not like Dave Matthews? He is dripping with talent. Have you HEARD his guitar, his voice, his lyrics?

and btw:

[designateddiva-blog]

My 3 Fav Foods To Eat When I'm Drunk

1) Gilroy's The pizza is not that good and the owner is a pedofile, but it's free.....kindve. If you're willing to have no shame for a few seconds it's worth it. 

2) Thin Mints/Peanut Butter Ok take 2 thin minutes and spread peanut butter on them to make a sandwhich. It sounds disgusting but I promise your mouth will thank you.

3) Jimmy John's Not that good, but it's cheap AND they deliver really fast. I always get the same thing (cheese sandwhich) so it's not that exciting for me but it does the job.

[designateddiva-blog]

Scary Situations And How You Can Avoid Them

1) Running Out Of Alcohol When it comes to alcohol it's every man for himself. There's a simple solution to make sure you will not run out of this precious commodity: hide it. It's obvious, but you'd be suprised how stupid people can be. As soon as you get to the party hide a couple beers in the microwave or the cabinet or something and you're set. Make sure no one sees you because it could be awkward when the host of the party comes into the kitchen and you're sitting on the ground throwing beers into the oven. Not speaking from personal experience or anything....

2) Looking Like A Crackhead The Morning After As the night goes on, I look more and more like Samantha Ronson or Sarah Jessica Parker or my college algebra teacher. This is unfortunate for me because once I get drunk I am under the false impression that I am a supermodel. My eyes get blood shot and I have an Asian glow that does not do my appearance any favors. However, I discovered maybe the best thing EVER last week: Urban Decay makeup setting spray. If you spray this on after you do your makeup you will literally look good as shit all night and the next day. It lasts 16 hours, so you are good for one night and through the morning. If you need a product that lasts longer than that, you are a mess and I want your life. Anyway, this thing is awesome and I now don't fear what I look like in the morning.

3) Telling A Story No One Else Thinks Is Funny I have a weird sense of humor that maybe 3 other people plus my dog understand. Occasionally/almost everyday I tell a story that I think is obviously hilarious, and my audience isn't all about it. When I realize my story is going downhill and I'm losing my people I start to panic. I first collect my thoughts I rack my brain for how I can regain myself. All you have to do is make something crazy up at the end and act like it's a shocking story or something. There's nothing wrong with a little embellishing. Like play it off like your aim was not a funny story. Just end it with something along the lines of "then i hit a car" or "then I threw up" or act like you just remembered something you needed to tell them and interupt yourself like "OH wait I almostttt forgot to tell you, so and so is pregnant." In my mind, I'm disappointed in my audience at this point. They aren't the people I first thought they were. But either way by the end of this little song and dance, I still think I'm funny so I'm just like everyone sucks, f this noise.

[designateddiva-blog]

I don't know how many followers you have, but you deserve 1,000,000. My sister and I laughed our asses off last night while reading your blog. Cheers!

hahahah thank you

[designateddiva-blog]

Dealbreakers

Obviously it's a dealbreaker if the guy is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or is unfortunate looking or something. But because I am such a nonjudgemental all around nice person, I have a nontraditional list of unattractive things I won't tolerate.

1) Bad Drivers A guy who does not have the ability to drive a car well is sooo unmanly in my opinon. I know I'm not the best driver, so therefore I need someone who can take care of me aka drive me around. Maybe I've been reading too much Cosmo and I'm buying in to this prehistoric evolutionary bullshit....but if you cannot drive a vehicle (preferably an escalade) how can I expect you to be able to reproduce viable offspring? 

2) My Dog Doesn't Get Along With You My dog and I are completely in sync with who we like and don't like. I remember when it all began... I was taking him on a walk and my annoying neighbor was outside. Sonny and I looked at eachother and obviously were both thinking "fuck this girl, she needs to stay in her own yard." We both hate the same neighbors, like string cheese and snuggling, and demand attention. If my dog doesn't like you then I'm going to have to follow suite and see ya never.

3) You Like Stuff I Hate Coldplay, Jack Black, cats, spending time outdoors.....I can't put up with any of this bullshit. The only thing worse than the things I listed are people who like them. We are obviously not compatible if you enjoy listening to whiny music and petting an animal who just spent all day licking itself and cannot even do any cute tricks. To each his own I guess, either way liking this shit is a total dealbreaker.

4) You ACTUALLY Enjoy Dave Matthews Technically this should fall in the above category, but the issue at hand is not that I personally don't like DMB, I just didn't know anyone genuinely did. I thought people just claimed to like the music because it's "in" and went to the concerts to get drunk. I'd be suspicious of someone who enjoys this yelping..sorry I meant music.

[designateddiva-blog]

Lies You Need To Stop Telling Yourself

“I’m going out, but I am NOT drinking tonight.” In my experience, everytime I say I’m not gonna drink I get significantly more fucked up than usual. Anyone who says this needs to stop. You know you want to drink, you’re not fooling anyone.

“We just made out.” you only made out ….. k.

"I'm looking cool in this fedora." This may not technically be a lie if you honestly think you can rock the trying too hard to be fashionable look. Either way you look dumb so I'd consider it somewhat of a lie. Also bonus points if your hat is cheetah print or something equally tacky.

“I’m gonna get some fresh air really quick.” Let’s be real you are going to go throw up outside in the bushes and you don’t want anyone to know. Happens to the best of us.

“I actually don’t even want an iPhone.” As the owner of several flip phones, chocolate touches, etc. I insist that I actually don’t want a nice phone because I know I’ll break/lose it. Anyone who is okay with having a shitty phone is either foreign or a liar.

[designateddiva-blog]

It is literally creepy how much I can see about the people who look at this blog.....Also who the f are the people in California and Canada reading this. Interesting choice of how to spend your free time

[designateddiva-blog]

Please Tell Me More

Just some things I love to hear people talk about. So please tell me more. Please.

1) Would you mind telling me again how many retweets you got on that one tweet last week? And what did you tweet word for word again? I just wanna hear for the 10th time.

2) Oh and can you make sure not to summarize that story you were telling. Could you maybe describe both sides of your conversations. Literally. I wanna hear what you were like and then what he said and then what you thought then what you thought he thought. And anything else you'd like to add.

3) Can we start talking about your friends from college that I've never met and will never meet. Could you maybe list of 10+ people and expect me to remember all of their life stories?

4) Tell me about your big. What color hair and eyes. How tall is she? Where is she from and what's her mom's name again? Tell me how much you like her again! Please.

5) Remind me for the 5th time how drunk you were last night. How many shots and of what? Please be specfic.

6) Would you mind telling me your every thought on the bachelorette. I don't watch the show, but just tell me everything. Including why you like/dislike every guy. Don't forget to tell me again and again about this Emily girl.  

7) Tell me about your 4.0 at your bullshit school with your bullshit major. I'd love to hear about the difficult A you snagged in your health class.

[designateddiva-blog]

Important Things You Can Find Out From Twitter

1) When Mean Girls Is On TV My timeline is flooded by quotes from the movie. Mostly ones that don't make any sense unless in context. The most popular? "She doesn't even go here!" It's not that funny.....calm your tits. Or "You can't sit with us!" Moderately funny. Tweet worthy? Not quite.

2) What Team Is Winning I don't care about anything related to sports unless it relates to one of the Kardashian sisters' love lives. Unfortunately, the night/day of some sort of sporting event I am informed against my will about sports. These worst is when someone complains about bandwagon fans...these people are the athletic equivalent of the annoying people who knew about Twilight "first".

3) The Weather Oh it's raining? Thanks I did not know.