summer so far has sucked. i thought i would be out doing something almost everyday, but ive spent most days inside. plans that have been hoped for falls apart, my stomach churns at the thought of spending another day like today, and yesterday, and the day before, and all the days prior. my routine has been waking up late, staying in bed, watching tiktok, accepting follower requests on insta, checking discord, listening to the same playlists with the same songs, over and over again, watching youtube videos that i have watched before, masturbating and waiting for a singular text to release me from this boring cycle of misery. nothing to do, nothing to distract me with. my daily outfits consist with boxers and a loose, unwashed t-shirt that i have wore and slept in on and off for days. it may come across as disgusting, actually i cant deny that. it is genuinely disgusting. i only hangout with one friend and i havent been doing that often. it seems like i lose friends like clockwork, because another friend has blocked me. im probably the problem but i dont want to accept that, im not in the wrong here. im sure of it. im just unlucky, but that might be my victim complex talking...but im sure that i dont have one. maybe i am the victim....errr....i dont know... ughhh!!! life is so confusing. it feels as if i have been cursed with bad luck my entire life.
all my days have been following the same routine, it seems like they've all blurred into one big haze of nothingness. it doesnt make sense. I spend some of my time masturbating, not even because I feel like it but because it's the only way I can feel something. an orgasm might be one of the only things that can make me happy, I don't stop until I cry, my legs go numb, my head goes dizzy, my vision goes blurry and my ears ring. nothing else gives me pleasure. after laying in bed for a while, i go downstairs to the kitchen, not to get food, but to feel my bare feet on the cold tile floor. makes me feel less numb and more like a vessel of nerves. i then make my way to the living room, just to see if my cat is sat on his usual place on the sofa, or if my stepdad is watching the football game. maybe then i could utter a few words to him, to regain my ability of how to talk to another human. if he's not in a mood, i bless him with my presence for a few minutes. i do feel bad for adults, having kids take away their freedom. ive noticed how many adults dont have friends. i wonder how they can function without depending on others for their happiness. i go upstairs and go into my mother's office, where she's usually sat. i try to talk to her but her full attention is on her computer monitors. i check on my sister, just incase, she doesnt want to talk to me. she tells me to leave her alone, so i do... for now. i go back into my room and feel even more lonely, it became common knowledge that my family arent interested into getting to know me, they dont want to know about my interests or passions. their idea of hanging out is being sat in the living room in silence, ignoring every word i vocalise and then eventually leaving to have 'adult time' in their bedroom without announcing their leaving. their adult time is probably smoking. nothing dirty. it feels isolating getting abandoned in the living room, the blinds fully open so everyone can see how vulnerable i am on the cold, leather sofa, something boring playing on the tv, the phantom buzz of a notification going off on my mum's phone which actually isnt there. i still wait for them to come back even though sometimes they never do.
i dont have that much friends and i dont have family. i only have myself. which is sad. everyone is so distant towards me. so i push them further to see if they'll pull back, to see if i mean something to them. my family dont notice, so i act out, hoping they'll realise i need them. they get pleasure out of punishing me it seems like, as if they get points for every tear i shed. like they're playing a game. they torment me and then act like im crazy for reacting, they mock me to each other as if they're being discreet, they laugh at my misery. it does sometimes feel like they're my biggest haters. i see how my bestfriend's parents treat her, desperate for her love and attention. i do get jealous because mine don't do that. mine dont check on me like that. mine just lecture me about anything anywhere all the time. it seems like screaming matches are their hobbies. i only have my mum's side of the family, i cant talk to my dad's. i havent seen my dad in over five years, it feels bad to grieve someone who is still alive. its his fault though. but i do get sad seeing his facebook, old pictures of me and him, smiling. his comments on my nan's posts about me, showing off my dyed hair. he says how he misses me, he replies to another comment about my birthday in september, i feel shocked he knows that. i didnt expect him to know my birthday, i believed it was beyond his capabilities. the only things hes capable of is knife threats, violence and substance abuse. i look at the recent pictures of his face, he looks tired, his wrinkles prominent, white hairs stick out his ginger beard, he looks dull. i scroll down on my mother's facebook, looking at photos from many years before. i see a video of me and my dad doing just dance, it was my favourite one. the carmen overture from just dance: 2018. he states how he prefers to be the bull instead of the matador. i ask him why, he replies how he likes doing the foot scuffing part. his voice low and projected. i forgot his voice, his accent. it hurt listening to that recording, i havent heard his voice in a while. i shouldnt feel bad for him, hes terrible. he must be so lonely. i dont miss him, i just miss the idea of having a dad. i remember on the 17th of may, i went to my cousin's house just for a visit. we were all in the kitchen, i was looking at their dog who was sniffing my legs. i looked up and my youngest cousin ,who was born less than a year after me, and my uncle playfighting, laughing. it made my heart sting and ache for what couldve been if my dad wasnt bad. having a stepdad isnt the same because he sucks sometimes too.
i think about what my life would be like if my family was good and we never moved hours away from my hometown, if i stayed with all my friends, in my old house. life wouldnt be so bad. i would have strong, yearlong friendships, socialising would be easy, i would be comfortable and happy in my large house, i would walk past the greenish mirror in my hallway and i would be tall enough to see my reflection without having to jump to see the sight of my face. during christmas time, we would walk down the streets, admiring the decorations all the rich houses put up. we would go to grandma's house on boxing day, the whole family, and we would walk around my grandma's garden, looking at the pond and groaning in disgust when a frog emerged from the waters. if i was bored i would go to my dad's mint green cabin in our back garden and see what he's listening to, i would admire all the collections of vinyls and records he had, i would look at the crystals and weird items he had, i would sit on the sofa as he shows me a rick and morty clip on his computer. my bedroom walls would still be pink, i would look out the window on the landing outside my room, opposite the stairway to the third floor, at the large trees that ive had nightmares about. maybe we would go to the local pub, walking around the large carpark that used to be farmland, the stables still up that i swore used to be alot larger. me and my sister would go into the pub and go to the other outside area. there would be some event going on with an bouncy castle, but we would be too old to go on. i would walk down to the co-op outside my old primary school, the community centre would be there too, where i had birthday parties, brownies, breakdancing club, ect. i would still visit my grandparent's house, not as much as i used too though. maybe we'd bake, or watch tv together, sitting on the comfy chair in the corner with a blanket over me, i would attempt to play my grandad's electric guitar. i wouldnt have to climb onto the counters to get something from the cabinets. i would sit in my living room with lavender walls, maybe watching a movie with my parents. everything would be so simple. life would be good. instead im hours away from that town which was once so familiar, barely any friends, i barely see my family, the town i live in currently full of people who dislike me, i have lifelong issues and trauma that will never leave. it hurts to think of what life would be like if nothing was messed up. im sad that perfect life was taken away from me at such a young age. nobody seems to understand how much thats affected me, or how privileged they are to have the life i dream about.
but my life was never gonna be like that, my dad was terrible before i was even born. sometimes i hate my mother for bringing two children into this world with a present father like that, she knew. those two mistakes have ruined two innocent lifes. i wonder if shes ashamed. she didnt have to give birth to me and my sister, especially with that man. it was her evil choice.
boring, dull days like these keep me thinking about the past, present and future. what else am i supposed to do? theres nothing to distract me anyways. i can try to listen to music or watch whatever but the small amount of pleasure it gives me is temporary. trauma is permanent. nothing i can do will get rid of it. no amounts of laughter, music, social media, or anything will fix it. i am not something to be fixed but to be thrown away. i keep my phone on do not disturb, ive learnt that texts exhaust me even though i crave the attention. i dont know what i want. all i have is my sad brain. i lie to everyone saying im okay, its not like they know what to say. nothing can help me. ive stopped telling people stuff, they just overlook everything anyways. ive started keeping to myself, every traumatic incident that happens frequently, how the abuse ive went through has never ended, how i sabotage everything, i dont know why i do it. im not a violent person. they think my behaviors are random and arent caused by the years of abuse and trauma. it hurts how they dont notice, dont ask how i am. even though i would lie about it.
i just want someone to directly tell me they care. that they love me. to notice when I'm gone. to crave my presence. thats all i want. I get the overwhelming feeling of how nobody likes me, not even my closet friends, how they're only in my life out of pity because I'm so pathetic and how I keep on sabotaging everything good in my life. I've been thinking about killing myself. I don't think anyone would miss me if I was gone. I wonder why I don't just do it and get it over with, to stop everyone from waiting.
I wish I was dead.
summer days like these make the temperature feel cold, makes the skies feel cloudy, blocks out the warm sun. life repeats these dark cycles. over and over again. never stopping. i have no control over my never ending thoughts. i would do anything to make them stop, and i mean anything. all my bad, shitty traits consume me as a whole, my positive traits shrink.
trauma doesn't make you stronger, it makes you weak, it changes your behavior and ruins your life and there is nothing you can do to stop it. there's no such thing as 'healing'. you have to accept you've became what you've feared all along, accept that you're violent and angry, accept you are horrible.
people say how "you are the reason people leave your life. you are the reason you hate yourself. not your trauma. stop using your past as an excuse to hurt people" OHMYGOD SHUT UP?? they shouldn't be saying that unless they're actually traumatized. people act like it's extremely easy, if it was easy I would be healed and happy but it's NOT EASY. they have no idea what it's like to go through what I've been through, they have no idea how trauma effects the brain and body. sooo annoying
I haven't posted on here for a while. whoops sorry! I've gone through a friendship breakup and I'm kinda upset about it. I tried to talk to her about ending our friendship and she was kinda mean about it so yeah. that was yesterday at school though. after school me and my best friend went out to hangout for a bit before the party that my older friend invited me to! I did have a mental breakdown in the park so my eye makeup was smeared everywhere...! anyways I calmed down and we got there and my cool older friend introduced us to most people and we were there for a few hours. Some people were surprised because we're in year 9 (14) and they're in college/year 11 (16-18) but it was really fun. Everyone there was so nice! they let me and my best friend share stuff with them like cigarettes, vapes and alcohol!! It was so fun omg!!! everyone there was so cool. maybe they'll let us have some weed next time. one of my older friend's friend's were really high and drunk and he was screaming at us for most of it, he's very funny though. he was kissing alot of people, especially boys... IT WAS SOOOOO FUNNN OMGGGGG!! I feel so rebelious. so even though I lost a three year friendship over a stupid misunderstanding, atleast I got to hang out with older kids and smoke and drink!! thank you universe for this opportunity, when a door closes, another opens!
thank you for reading, i'll catch you between daydreams!
oh my god. I had a sleepover with my best friend and we snuck out!! so basically at around 1:40am we went downstairs to her kitchen and filled up a plastic bottle with vodka. we had three plastic bottles, one with redbull, one with the vodka and one empty bottle. we went out of her living room window and by 2:00 we were out of the house. we went to a park and drank there. VODKA IS SO DISGUSTING!! we poured a bunch of the vodka into the empty bottle and put some redbull but it tasted so bad because the redbull was white peach flavoured!! whenever I drank some I literally recoiled, IT'S SO NASTY!! she was then super duper paranoid so we had to move locations. as we were walking I realised that I had lost my ability to speak properly and I did not feel like a real person. I was being really annoying so she slapped me in the face and it definitely woke me up...ouch! we sat down in a alley thing and we drank more and I chugged the vodka redbull mix but I started dry heaving because it tastes like ass. that lead to me not being able to walk normally, it was so fucking freaky because I was like stumbling about and I couldn't stand upright. I felt like a ragdoll like my limbs felt super light it was so weird. I kept on recording videos on my phone so she took my phone away. we stayed there for a while and then we decided not to drink anymore because I was incredibly drunk and she poured it down a drain. she then had to hold me up and drag me to the field. at this point I've been holding in a piss for ages. there was this weird building with a porch on the field and we sat against there. I was laying in her lap, trying to sleep but I couldn't because I was twitching and jolting every 2 seconds. when it hit 5:00am we decided to leave because I felt myself loosing consciousness. we got back about 15 minutes later and I climbed back through the window and she told me to go piss as she climbed through so I did and it felt so good to take a long vodka piss. we went upstairs back to her room and thankfully her parents wasnt aware we left!! I stripped down to get changed but I showed her my bare tits. jeez...how embarrassing. she said they looked nice though so yay I guess. we then slept but it was hard to fall asleep because the caffeine in the redbull. I think that whole thing put me off drinking, maybe I'll wait until I'm at the legal age requirement and then I'll try again. so yes that was my night!
thank you for reading, i'll catch you between daydreams!
I love my bestfriend so much. we are eachother's best friend and I'm so grateful for her, I don't know what I'd do without her. my motivation for getting up for school is knowing I will get to laugh with her even if its just for a few minutes. we've gotten even more close recently. it's just us against every other boring person! we just get eachother, we laugh alot and I feel like I can be myself around her. we're both weird, whimsical perverts and I love every moment I spend with her. she is my best friend ever. sure I have other friends but they don't compare to her. our friends are different from us...they're mature and smart, we're silly and stupid! we're just whimsical and fun and joyful. it's like everyone else in the world are dull shades of grey and we reflect the bright colours of the rainbow - like iridescence! I love being around her, she makes me the most happiest!!! she's like a divine being to me; out of all people she could be best friends with, she choose ME? I'm a complete loser and she's just so awesome...we have the friendship I've been craving for years and I'm so grateful for that!! we're always laughing together, so much that our friends have gotten annoyed at us because of it. they're just not on our level of whimsy, silliness and joy!! thank you universe for blessing me with such an amazing person!!!!
thank you for reading, i'll catch you between daydreams!
at the end of the day, I dreamed a dream, who am I?, fantine's death, the confrontation, master of the house, stars, the ABC cafe, do you hear the people sing?, a heart full of love, one day more, on my own, drink with me, bring him home, javert's suicide, empty chairs at empty tables and finale!!
areudirty
titsay
stormborns
2087
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
izzy806
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
