※ SHIT I HEARD AT COLLEGE: YEAR III ※
the thrilling saga of shit i’ve heard at college continues; these are all from my first semester of junior year. feel free to change names/pronouns/etc.! more ‘shit i heard/said’ starters!
“Bippity-bop, is that the name of a song?”
“I’d like to die in Spain, in my lover’s arms. Or just not be murdered, that’d be cool too.”
“You’ve gotta hydrate before you die-drate.”
“We are going to steal Niagara Falls.”
“Roundabouts are my bitch.”
“Being confused with a freshman isn’t the worst thing to be confused with. Better than being confused with a serial killer.”
“It was when I was three and almost burned down the house.”
“Is that in the interview? How’s your immune system?”
“The devil’s weakness is shrubbery.”
“I have a very strong immune system because I’m gross.”
“It’s supposed to help my hairline… it’s not gonna help my hairline.”
“You have to rest to fight the chairs.”
“If you scroll back far enough, you’ll see her post pictures from her mission trip, as the whites do.”
“She used to be full of sunshine and rainbows and then she turned into a bitch.”
“No hand holding. Only blowjobs.”
“Elon Musk is gonna cry.”
“Are you about to be in a porno but in real life?”
“Autocorrect is a Jewish saint.”
“He’s a claymation penguin and he will change your life.”
“Our fridge was just organized like… shitty Tetris.”
“I had two bananas and six pieces of cookie dough… I need to go to the grocery store.”
“Goodnight, you… people…”
“There’s only four very very sticky coffee colored pennies.”
“When you’re kinda kinky: spank-esque.”
“Officer, you can’t arrest me. It’s gameday.”
“Welcome back to Sophie Doesn’t Know How To Accurately Portion Food. On this episode, we’re making a fuck load of pasta.”
“On a scale of one to ten, he was fine.”
“I’m gonna pour barbecue sauce all over my finger and act like I cut it off.”
“The cornbread might be a minute, but the porn-bread won’t be.”
“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you.”
“After this game, we could go to the dining hall and get unlimited biscuits.”
“We took a vote. You’re going to have to start needlepointing.”
“I thought it couldn’t rain in here…! I thought that was a myth…!”
“No, I can make soup. I can’t make pie!”
“The leather riding crop. A classic.”
“You want me to distill the water? Harvest a fucking raincloud?”
“I need to straight up snort caffeine pills for it to work.”
“You do your homework, you die.”
“If you accidentally stab me, it would be really funny?”
“Do you guys take ghost money?”
“When I was little, I really liked showering in the dark.”
“Not to be dramatic, but are you going to tell him you love him?”
“Somebody broke into my car last night and smoked meth.”
“Maybe they were talking about someone else, but now I’m sad.”
“Am I eating sawdust or cardboard?”
“And then he sent three pictures of Mediterranean food.”
“Just stand there and be sad.”
“There are no more Toys R Us kids. Only Crate And Barrel adults.”
“That cake almost killed me. I’ll have more, please.”
“Would you like some Jesus?”
“I don’t care how convenient it is, never buy milk at the gas station.”
“He just destroyed his table with an ax that he found on the street.”
“Deep fried Coca-Cola…! Solidify it, deep fry it, eat it.”
“You Uber to class? Like… all the time?”
“I’m not even going to try. No, you know what? I am going to try.”
“How do you pronounce "p-h-t-h”?“
“That’s a good cloud! Let’s cheer for that cloud!”
"Also, I was sad and drunk, so…”
“What happens if you pour beer on a candle?”
“Nobody minds a little violence in October.”
“Apparently, they don’t poop out of their mouths.”
“Are you ever $270 in credit card debt and you just don’t care?”
“You know what we had to read last year? 1200 pages of Don Quick-sote.”
“She had an attack of religious conscience and she was like, mmm, the devil.”
“I’m Billy Wilder, and you can go fuck yourself.”
“I paid for these with student loans and complaining.”
“I was so stressed I blacked out.”
“I was listening to a sad audiobook, about to cry on the Stairmaster.”
“So God comes out, dick swinging…”
“It’s only from May to September, because that’s… prime goat season.”
“Really tempted to buy a dog or a raccoon right now.”
“He’s such a cute little tall man.”
“Tell me I did a great job.”
“I’ll speak for everyone and say we have no idea what’s going on.”
“Maybe we can have an affair next week.”
“The colors of the wind need to chill.”
“It has 18 wheels! That’s too many wheels!”
“I had a nightmare about that ham.”
“It’s almost like Groundhog Day, but awful.”
“Come to the darkness. We don’t have cookies and we have sad but like still come.”
“Alright, let’s go eat this ass.”
“Military hardware is not my thing.”
“Put me down for two scoops of pain, please.”
“Gotta get away from the capitalists.”
“Color schemes like this are what happens when you don’t have any gay men in your life.”
“Can we kill death itself?”
“Stuff on bread – a category I can get behind.”
“If I can’t be gay in my own home where can I be gay?”
“There was a little tiny towel that I used to dry most of my body.”
“Frazzled onions - they have an exam tomorrow.”
“Everybody loves you and the ones that don’t, they’re going to jail.”
“It’s no big deal, but Buzzfeed told me I’d find my husband abroad, so…”
“These two men, a combined height of 12'10”…“
"It was one AM and I was not about to get into the Pussy Discourse but I am now.”
“That’s my 1/100th of a cent that I worked for.”
“They misspelled canoeing ‘canerfing’.”
“I sent nudes in a Waffle House bathroom”
“On Monday, let’s all get together and cry.”
“I’m never going to do that again. But probably tomorrow.”
“All I know is that those two glasses look like six.”
“If you play a draw four card, I’m gonna sneak into your room and slit your throat.”
“I don’t wanna drink for men.”
“We are stressing in Chili’s.”
“I’m just going to start violently screaming.”
“Now you’ve become a catfish with a cause.”
“Blessed be the power of bullshit.”
“I love that movie. I’ve seen it one time. I love that movie.”
“Taco Bell could fist me in the ass.”
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